High Heels

I wore high heels to school today. I love that strange sensation one gets after taking them off for the first time in 11 hours. I feel like my heels are sitting in a hole in the ground and my toes are pointing straight up. Weird. Not uncomfortable necessarily, just weird.

I won't be team teaching next year. :(

My finger is still numb and i am going to eat more cheesy potatoes.

I am enjoying the air conditioning right now. That is what i bought last year with my summer school money. No summer school money coming in this year. . . but, i do have my loopie money. It's not nearly as much, but i can still buy a little something. We are going to be spending a lot of money this summer and not making any. Yikes. I am still glad that there is no summer school for me. :)

I visited my friend's freshly painted nursery. There is something so sweet about nurseries. . . the crispness, the newness, the freshness, and the excitement that comes with them. I can't help but wonder what little person (starr) is going to sleep snuggly (at times) in that crib? What kind of personality will he have? What will the shape of his nose be? How will his eyes look? What new facial expressions will he be learning? What is he going to fear? What is he going to enjoy and be good at? What won't come easy for him? What will his first words be? I love nurseries.

Camp Pendaluaon

The only thing that got me through our extended school day at camp pendaluaon was knowing that i had cheesy potatoes to eat when i got home. I am sticky from bug spray, smelly from sweat and exhausted, but at least i didn't have any children go ballistic like last year. The constant bombarding of gnats flying into my eyes was enough to drive me crazy, but i survived. I either got stung by something or jammed my finger during canoing. The whole tip of my finger is completely numb. Weird. Mmmmm, cheesy potatoes. This i write later in the day, after this morning's scale reading and a promise to myself that i need to get back to healthy living. . . . cheesy potatoes there is no denying you.!

Life is Good

I have many items with the above phrase on it. I love that phrase because life is good. Is spite of all the crappy things, the hardships, the pain. . . life is good. It is a decision to believe that life is good. Anyway, i just finished a loopie by Lindsey for a girl at work. Her daughter has loved hers to pieces (or at least until all the satin ribbon has been rubbed raw). She carries it wherever she goes. She carries it by the purple satin loopie. When she was littler she would put it around her toes and drag it around on the floor. Now, however, she sees that it is far worthier than the floor and she carries it in her precious hand. I also have cheesy potatoes in the oven. Yum. The smell wafts through the air and makes my stomach growl and my mouth drool. I haven't had those in a long time. It didn't take me long to find the recipe. My brother gave me the original mom recipe framed for Christmas last year. I love it. It sits on the shelf in our kitchen. It is scrawled in her writing, and splotched in her kitchen. It looks like it has seen better days, and i know the truth. I miss her. I wish she could come over for some cheesy potatoes (only jason and jered can read those words 'cheesy potatoes' with the right intonation that they deserve. Jason did you start that??). The house is finally clean. The grass is mostly cut. The heap of laundry is no more. My pile of papers to correct has vanished and the school year is almost done. When that happens, i promise to eat better and to work on my thesis.

A Dusting We Will Go!

This is what i needed- a weekend home, free of thesis work. I was finally able to unpack from last weekend. The sun is giving me energy i need to finally clean our house. It is already looking so much better. TJ is working on projects outside. As i type, he is lining our driveway with paver things, so our grass doesn't shrink our driveway more and more every time we turn around. We also ordered our blocks for the gardens out back. I cannot wait!!! This is exactly what i needed.

Friday night we had a date night. It was wonderful. We went to Spiderman and then went to Hobo's for munchies, including their homemade peanut butter pie with Oreo crust. Saturday, i started getting rid of the piles that were scattered around the house and we went to a birthday party for the cutest little Noah. He turned one! It was great to see our friends again. It has been awhile.

There has been a lot of sleeping in, which feels unbelievable. And to think, we still have tomorrow!

Phew!

Last night i hit the send button to my professor and e-mailed the attachment that included chapter one of my thesis. I had this sudden feel of despair in the pit of my stomach. I was scared to open up the e-mail from her today. But i did a dance (literaly) after reading it. She said it was "really, really, good." Hooray!!!!! She went on to say that i was essentially done with chapter one (it is not abnormal to rewrite it or do some major tweaking) and that she doesn't need to see it again until the end. I think i need to celebrate! Maybe i will enjoy this long weekend after all!

More Pictures

More pictures. . . thanks to my dad again!

Feelings of Failure

For the most part, i think of myself as a good teacher. I actually consider the kids lucky that they have me as a teacher. I am fun. I am creative. I do a good job of teaching the material that needs to be taught. Sometimes, though i am reminded that this is not really reality. It hits me in the face. I haven't felt like a good teacher in awhile. There is a lack of pats on the back from administrators this year. There is a constant flow of things we need to be doing better, things we need to teach better, increasing the number of kids that we can reach. Teaching can be such an unsatisfying job. I realize that there are always things i can do better. There are things i want to try, things i want to improve in. But, i need to hear that i am doing some things right. That i am making a difference. My kids took the released fourth grade MEAP test as their third grade post test. This is after teaching my little heart out every day. . . after staying up late planning and correcting papers every night. . . after spending my Sundays preparing and trying to figure out the best way to teach a concept. . . and i got the results from the test today. My kids did terrible. I am also responsible for teaching reading to another teacher's kids. I am sure her kids will do just as bad. I know that this is the MEAP test. . . and not everything can be measured on this test, but i still feel like a failure. It makes me wonder why i spend so much time. Would they have done any worse, if i just treated my job like any other job? Would they have done any worse if i saved some energy for myself when i got home and for TJ? Would they have done any worse if i didn't use my nights and sundays? There has got to be another way. I can still picture the bar graph that has my name on it and shows how my kids did. I try to remind my self there is inappropriate grade level material on there, but that doesn't help because i am still responsible for it. Third graders are supposed to label their answer to an area question cm2 or square cm. They are supposed to infer, synthesize, and summarize. They are supposed to take a stand after reading a non-fiction and fiction selections and back up examples from both selections. They are supposed to know how many vertexes a hexagonal prism has. They are supposed to know metric and standard measurement for temperature, mass, capacity, and length. They are supposed to know expanded notation of numbers and if a story is in the format of cause and effect, sequential, problem/solution, enumerative, or descriptive. They are supposed to know parallel, perpendicular, rays, and line segments. My head hurts.

My jaw is beyond clinched. I am going on my fifth day of not being in my classroom and leaving everything up to a sub. I am not nearly done with chapter one of my thesis. It is due in a week. I am going out of town this weekend, when i am still trying to catch up on laundry and unpacking from last weekend. I feel in over my head and all i really want to do is pick up the phone and call my mom. That actual thought raced through my head yesterday for a split second, until i realized i couldn't. I have a music program thursday night. Just a little recognition would be good. I never realized i was filled by some kind words and was given the strength to move on by just a few words. I have writing assessments galore to correct and a bunch of work they did with the subs for the last four days.

We're back!

It didn't take long for my muscles to stiffen around my neck and for my stress level to return to normal once i got off the plane in Michigan. California was absolutely perfect. The wedding was beautiful, simple, meaningful, and perfect. And the reception was exciting. Jason got out his guitar and sang Whitney a song. They did the cutest dance. . . i never knew my brother had it in him. My mom was greatly missed. She would have loved it and been so proud of Jason. It was truly perfect. To finish the night, there was a bonfire with smores on the beach. I was exhausted so i headed back kind of early, but it still was nice.

I loved spending time with my family. Jered and Jason picked on me, but i really wouldn't expect anything different. Dad and TJ got in on it too. During Jered's toast he said to whitney, "welcome to the family. I finally have a sister i can be proud of." My jaw hit the ground.

The two of them just glowed. They always seem to when they are together. It was awesome to hear such good things about Jason from Whitney's family. I don't know how many times, people came up to me and told me wonderful things about Json and about how Jason makes Whitney feel. I think my dad said it well. . . you can tell they both respect each other. Their vows were beautiful.

It doesn't feel good to be back. Time was too short. i could have hung out for a long time and spent time in touristy kinds of spots, but i am glad that i was able to go. . . and to go with my dad and brother. I haven't uploaded my pictures yet. . . first i am going to take my memory stick to meijers, but i was able to steal some pictures from my dad's website. Thanks dad. :)

yes- that is the ocean behind my brothers. Isn't it picturesque.

Jason and Whitney wanted me to do a reading written by Rainer Maria Rilke. It fit perfectly with my views of marriage, so i was excited.

This is the view from our balcony. I sat out there with my dad quite a bit, sunned my legs, drank mountain dew and ate skittles. I used the hot tub and went for a very brief swim. After that i felt so relaxed and refreshed.

Holy cow!

I am so incredibly tired, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, and sad. I really don't have time to be sitting here doing this, but i need to or i will burst. For a week or so, my jaw has been clinched and i just have this tight felling in my chest. . . i have my thesis hanging over my head. Chapter one is due May 24th and before then i am going to san fran, teaching, having a music program at night, finish a sewing project, going to wixom for a baby shower and to visit family, and doing end of the year crap. My students are going to have a sub thursday, friday, monday, tuesday and a half day wednesday. I am going to san fran, having curriculum meetings and then placing kids into a fourth grade classroom. Not only do i have to write my first 10 pages of my thesis, but i need to do research to know what to write. I have been working non-stop at work to leave sub plans, and i have not gotten any planning time this week. . . so i really don't have anything planned for when i get back into town, and then i am going to have to make more sub plans. AAAHHH!


Okay i feel better now. i am hoping that when i sit down in the plane, all stress will disappear. I am sure that is not the case, but i might be relieved a little bit. I am bringing a few articles and books to read about spelling.

i deeply miss my mom. . . a student brought me a trillium the other day. After telling her that they are an endangered flower i turned my head and pulled myself together and wiped the tears from my eyes. My mom loved her trilliums. They would always show themselves before the ferns took over. They were (i am sure they still are) right on the edge of the woods in our backyard. One time, she found one deep in the woods and transplanted it. I thought she was going to go to jail. She waited each spring for hers to come up. They were truly cherished by her. Of course, she was greedy and wanted more, when there are people who long for just one. I miss her more than i ever thought i could miss someone. Mother's day is approaching and my brother is getting married. She would absolutely adore his soon-to-be wife. One because she is a cool person, two because she makes him really happy, and three he is his normal jason self with her.

Well, i won't write for a while. . . probably. I might need to relieve some pressure that has built up. I do feel better. I think i will make it.

And so it begins

I woke up at 7:00, two hours later than normal, to start my Thesis Day. It will be one of many days spent in front of the computer, book, or journal article - armed with a highlighter and sticky notes - notebook and a pen. My head hurts at the end of the day. . . mentally and physically. My head was bent down far too much today and my mind was filled with information, ideas and statistics about spelling in children's every day writing. I stopped at plumb's on the way home from work yesterday to supply myself with snacks. I knew there was no avoiding them, so i tried to make good choices. . . fiber one chocolate and oats granola bars, fat free potato chips, diet sunkist, carmel rice cakes, 100 calorie pack hostess cupcakes, and carrots. The problem with most of those things is they give me unbelievable gas. . . unbelievable in the amount, in the smell, and in the sound. Just ask TJ. I figured since i was home alone, it would be a fine thing. That must be why the cats hid from me all day. I actually got quite a bit done. I impressed myself. I have so much further to go, but i made a little dent. And i guess the first chapter, actually the first paragraph is the hardest thing to write. I am probably going to have to rewrite it several times, according to my prof, but at least i have written it once already. If i was at school today, i would have gotten nothing accomplished, especially since i had library, grade level meeting during lunch, and indoor recess. Yes, i think i made a good choice. . . and i was able to get a hold of my doctor. . . who was supposed to call me back today. I guess we will play phone tag for awhile, since i will be at school the remainder of the week. Chapter one is due May 24. . . YIKES!