If I really could write you a letter, stick a stamp on it, and run it out to the mailbox knowing you would read it in a couple days, I would. I would write you all the time. But, this is going to have to do, and I am going to pretend, if just for a moment, that you are completely up to date with all the changes that have taken place since I have last talked to you- you know the stuff like getting a teaching job, buying a house, getting my master's degree, and being the mother to FOUR kids. If this was just another letter, I would stick to one topic, so here I go with the one topic.
I am sorry. I am sorry for all the times I teased you and laughed at you for all your nap taking. You have to admit Mom, you were a professional nap taker- anywhere, anytime, thru anything (kind of like TJ). Remember you would come right home from school, get into your pajamas and slippers and take a nap, a long nap? Looking back, I can't believe you even took your bra off that early. What were you thinking??!! Even though you drank coffee through the entire day, you were exhausted enough to take a long nap. I remember on the weekends, you would wake up about 9 and sit in your chair. Then you would shift to the couch and read the newspaper and look at the ads. Then, you took a nap. That was the nap I made the most fun of you for. Seriously??? Reading the newspaper made you that tired?
I am reminded of this often as I pull into the driveway after a long day at school, wanting so badly to take a nap, but knowing I can't. This Saturday after giving the kids breakfast and playing with the boys, I got an overwhelming tired feeling, like I just had to sleep. And I laughed. Knowing I couldn't sucked, but at that moment, I totally understood your need for a nap at that time. It's call catch up. Now I know that as a high school teacher, you were exhausted, like me. You corrected your little heart out every weekend. You parked yourself on the couch in your pajamas with your pink gradebook binder, your pink pen, and your pink coffee mug and corrected mountains of Shakespearean Essays, persuasive pieces, grammar tests, news articles for the school paper, and narratives. You worked endless hours, made countless lesson plans, corrected mountains of papers, and built relationships with hundreds of kids. That is exhausting. That is nap worthy.
So, I wanted to write you this letter to apologize, to let you know that I get it. I understand why sometimes when your head hit the pillow, you audibly moaned with glee. I now understand why you raced down the hall to get your pajamas on because I now race down the stairs to get my sweats on (i keep my bra on though. You really should have too!). I now understand why you took naps on the weekend, sometimes two a day. Teaching is exhausting. Being a parent is exhausting. I can imagine that being a single parent is even more exhausting. You did it all. And you deserved those naps. So, i get it.
Let's pretend that I write you all the time, but I just had to send this to apologize. So, I don't need to tell you how full my life is, yet there is still a hole from your absence. I don't need to tell you how amazing it is to be a mom of four and of twins. I don't need to tell you that TJ is the most incredible partner on this journey that I could ever ask for. He loves me for me. He loves our kids. He sees this as teamwork and gives 100%. We dream of growing old together and being a grandma and grandpa together (after we get to experience an empty nest, of course!). I don't need to tell you that I love my job and my students, but sometimes I feel like I am not going to make it. I don't need to tell you that I miss you incredibly because every letter would have said that.
I love you.
I appreciate what you did for us.
I get it.
I think i will go take a nap!
Love Always,
Lindsey
