Wonders, Worries & What-Nots

Happy Birthday Babe!

2012-01-24T00:00:00.002-05:00

I have started this post at least five times. It is TJ's birthday, and i am having a difficult time finding the words that describe how I am completely in love with him. I think back to when he was 16 and i was 17. Even then, i could see how amazing and compassionate his heart is. I could get a glimpse of what an awesome listener he is. Back then, i knew how intelligent and hilarious he is. But what i didn't know would later make me love him even more than i knew i could ever love a person.

I didn't know that he would someday be bathing both of our girls in the bathtub. I didn't know he would be the papa dragon and chase the Jaely princess and Cami princess into their Eric Carle Castle. I didn't know that he would be such an amazing cook who loves to try new things in the kitchen. I didn't know he would eventually be the grocery shopper of the family. I didn't know what a good kisser he was. I didn't know that he would be such an effective teacher who takes the time to build relationships with his students. I didn't know he would paint my toenails. I didn't know he would make snow angels with our daughters, rock them to sleep in the middle of the night, smother them with kisses, take them to numerous doctor appointments, apologize when giving me nightly fertility shots, hold jaely's hair back as she throws up, be my rock when my mom died, nor did i know he would tell me i am beautiful every day and would not let a day go by where he doesn't make it clear just how loved i am and how loved our girls are. I didn't know he would be such a wonderful woodworker, landscaper, chef, problem solver, reliable GPS, teacher, papa, counselor, friend, lover.

He is an amazing creation. An awesome blessing. A gift from God. Happy Birthday RR! I love you more than i ever knew i could love someone.

Silver

2011-12-20T11:17:00.002-05:00

This time of year, i love silver. Actually, i like it all year long, but it just has a special place during the holidays. I love how it shimmers and shines without being pretentious like gold. I love how it can make something that might be otherwise dull, seem magical. Silver can dress something up, make something a little more fancier, and add that little something something that was missing.

So. . . why is it that when i see a shimmering silver hair mixed with my dark brown hair, i twinge with disgust? I hate it. I hate how the light hits a silver hair and illuminates it making it say "look at me! Look at me!" It doesn't make my dull hair seem magical, it just makes me feel old. I hate how the silver hair grows up out of my scalp in a bent and crazy way, drawing even more attention to itself. However, the hair seems to become hidden the moment i come at it with tweezers.

Arg.

Decorating the Tree

2011-12-04T14:57:00.002-05:00

I remember decorating the tree when i was younger. I don't have many memories of when i was real little, or many of when my brothers helped decorate it. But since i am the youngest child, most of my memories are from when my older brothers were too old to help or completly moved out, but i was still around and wanted a tree decorated. I do have just a few memories of us all decorating it. My brothers and i would hang all of out homemade ornaments in the very front, knowing full well that my mom preferred them in the back. We each had our ornaments to hang up. My mom had her homemade ones that she had made out of dough. They were so incredibly heavy that they required a few branches to hang on and one to sit on. Over the years, her dough ornaments became moldy. It was so difficult to throw them away. Some of my favorites were the bubble lights. I think the old style was a fire hazard, but they looked so neat on the tree. I also liked my brothers big batman and superman ornaments. And then there were the mice made out of straw. The icicles were a favorite too, which is why i grabbed a similar set when i found them at Target last year. I remember we kept our ornaments wrapped in newspaper in an old xerox paper box. Mom would sit on the couch in her spot and delegate as she told me where to hang them and what spots still seemed bare. Our tree was always real and our tinsel was always hideous. We have had many tree toppers, but i will always remember the star that had fringes and would light up from behind.

There are some many other things we did as a family that i will always remember. It makes me wonder what Camryn and Jaelynne will remember when they are my age. We had the countdown candy cane holders that my mom made. I, of course, had an angel one and Jered was Santa Clause and Jason was a snowman. We were themed then, even for Christmas. The nails sticking out of the top of the pantry closet stayed year round. We had our red stockings with our name written in glitter. Later those would be changed to stockings that matched our theme of angel, snowman, santa and with matching stocking holders. My mom always decorated the chandelier with tinsel and little silver ornaments that would hang over our bright red table cloth, complete with red napkins in a poinsettia napkin ring. We would hang a giant stocking, one that Jered had when he was born (December 11), on the side door to our house. I don't remember our old tree skirt, but i remember the one that replace the old one. It was a big purchase for mom. I was with her and she really, really wanted it. Right now it is under our tree. It is a quilted one of angels with a dark blue starry sky as the backdrop.

I hope i have these memories for a long time. I sometimes wonder how much other stuff am i forgetting, lost forever. I can only hope that Jaely and cami are going to have lots of wonderful memories, too.

I am Done

2011-12-01T20:30:00.002-05:00

This morning was a bittersweet morning. I had decided it would be my last morning that i would nurse Camryn. She is over a year. I was still doing it because i didn't want to be uncomfortable over Thanksgiving with all that we had going on and, even though i am glad i am done, it makes me sad. It was uninterrupted time i had to stare into her eyes, to study her tiny fingers, to count her eyelashes. Yes, there were a few times when i would catch myself with my head tilted back, eyes closed and thinking of what i had to get done that day, but most of the time, i took that precious time and took advantage of it. Camryn doesn't get undivided attention from me very often. . . and as soon as she does, if Jaelynne notices, then Jaelynne wants attention. I get it, but it gets tiring.

I also am bothered because i don't know if i will ever get to do that again. I don't know if we are having a third and if we decide to have a third, i don't know if it will be thru pregnancy or adoption. I like to know when i am doing something for the last time, or if there is only one more cookie left in the package. It is just my thing. So not knowing bothers me.

I am proud of myself- for nursing. It isn't the easiest at time, but i did it! I couldn't have done it without my encouraging husband. . . he is the best! I am not proud of myself for all the weight i have put back on. I am disgusted when my clothes aren't fitting and my beautiful winter jackets are too small. And now that i am done nursing, i will probably put even more weight on. I don't want to. I am not in the right frame of mind to do something about it. I am tired and broke. It takes energy and money to eat right, to exercise and i feel like i don't have it in me right now. Blah.

Tomorrow morning, Cami is going to be so angry with me, but she will get over it quickly. She did when i dropped the evening feeding. I will GREATLY miss the snuggles. Maybe we will have to read a book quietly together before facing the world every morning.

Some Time for Me!

2011-11-29T21:32:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, during my planning time, i wrote out sub plans. I had a staff meeting until 5 and then worked in my room for 15 more minutes before heading out the door. I decided to take Tuesday off and i was excited! My original intention was to make a doctor's appointment for a check up and blood work for my thyroid. But, the more i thought about it, the more i just needed a whole day for me. And if we do decide to have child number three, that sick day i took off will become an unpaid leave day. . . and it was SO worth it.

I got up at 6 and got Camryn up. I fed her and got her dressed. When TJ left with the girls at 6:45, i went back to bed! It was fabulous. I rolled over at 8 and smiled. Then thought to myself, "just a little bit longer." Next thing i knew it was 9 and i finally rolled out of bed at 9:10. It was wonderful. And i was so glad that there was not a feeling of guilt or a feeling of time wasted. It was just what i needed. I haven't slept that late, at home, in over a year!

Next, it was off to do a little bit of Christmas shopping. I gave myself a time limit, and thank God i did. I was back by noon to eat lunch and then i started setting up my village. I just couldn't picture doing that with a one year old climbing around and a 3 year old wanting to help. I didn't get to set up my village last year, so it was a real treat.

Then, i set up the tree. I ran out of time to do the lights, but as soon as i get those on, Jaely is going to help me put the ornaments on. She is so excited! And we only had to tell Cami "No, miss" about the tree like ten times.

Jaelynne came home from Miss Amber's so excited. She saw the wreath hanging in the window and ran from the car screaming "Christmas! Christmas!" She was overly delighted when she walked back to her bedroom and saw her own little Christmas tree brightly shining in her room. Now, we will see if she is able to sleep with it in there!

It really was a perfect day. There is so much more i wanted to do, but i am really pleased with the amount of sleeping/working i did.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T23:10:00.003-05:00

I love that my family comes together on Thanksgiving. My mom would have loved to know that even when she didn't organize Thanksgiving, we would all come together and organize the menu, the timing, and who is bringing what. Ya, she would have been disappointed in the Grand Traverse Pie Company bought pies, but they are just so good. I remember TJ and my mom making apple pies in the harvest gold/avocado green kitchen on Echo. They were delicious. I am sure once tomorrow i will have to say "put some gravy on it" in memory of my mom who often told you how to enjoy your food. And although there will be no sauteed mushrooms or insulated gravy boats, we have added new traditions.

I love having Thanksgiving at our house. What started out as a convenient thing to do since we had a three week old has turned into something that we look forward to and plan. I do miss TJ's side of the family dearly, but it is so nice not to get out of a full day of work, pack things up and drive with two kids across the state for a weekend. I think we may get some rest on this long weekend. And. . . there is always Christmas break, which is long enough to travel and relax. Cannot wait!

I haven't seen Jason and Whitney in a year. Camryn has changed so so much since the last time they saw her. I know my mom would be so proud of us not giving up on family, still making a huge effort to come together and spend time. Jason & Whitney spending money and time to come across the country, my aunt and uncle driving across the state, dad taking a day (or two) off from work, Jered picking up jason and whitney and driving them around to places, all of us bringing food or tables or drinks to our house. I find myself keeping it simple and relaxed. Although i actually feel kind of bad serving dinner on paper plates. . . i may just change my mind on that one. I figure, they are family. The house doesn't need to look perfect. Jered and TJ will be the ones in the kitchen the most, both enjoy cooking greatly. And Jason has a fairly recent new found love for baking and cooking. He is making his homemade pretzels. I will clean up. . . that is where my talent is. I did make homemade mac & cheese and a cheese ball, but that is about all i am good for.

I can't wait. I have so much i am thankful for.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

2011-11-14T20:09:00.010-05:00

I crafted. Got out the glue gun and the paper cutter.
I had so much fun. Enjoyment. Relaxed and got lost in all the crafts.
I sure stuck with a theme. . . my mom would be proud.

InvitationsTesting out the bookmarks that the kids would make at the party

Made goodie bags, cupcakes, food tags. . .

Made Camryn's chair (TJ built it and i quickly painted it.) It isn't finished here. I added big dots, a sun and, of course, her name.

Preparing the food. . .

The decorations to hang from the ceiling and above windows.

Working on the cake.
Camryn's cupcake.

More pictures from the party!

I've Been Busy

2011-10-28T21:38:00.004-04:00

I love planning and creating. My crafting is such an outlet for me. When my brain just needs to turn off, and i don't want to think about school anymore or think about all the house work, i slip downstairs and create.

Jaely wanted to be a butterfly, but she is such a little scientist and reads a monarch butterfly book all the time, the store bought ones were not very realistic. I found this idea online and kites are very cheap, so we tried it. Now, Jaely can act like she is flying.
The kiteI cut it up the middle and sewed it to the back of her hoodie. We have a pair of antennae and black gloves. Kind of a lame costume, but i think she will be excited about it. I should take lame and simple while i can!I have been working on Camryn's birthday stuff. I wanted it to be comparable to Jaelynne's first birthday. The only problem is now i am working full time and have two kids as opposed to being a stay- at-home mom with one. I am trying for you, girl!
A Hungry Caterpillar with her monthly photos on it. . .The invitationsA bookmark the kids are going to make at her party with their fingerprints and names. We are also going to have coloring and painting in the basement. Our basement is far from finished, but we needed more room for all the people and the Very Hungry Caterpillar just screams art activities!
We will see if i can pull this all off. I also made streamers out of tissue paper circles and my sewing machine.

I am well past tired. And i can tell by the writing. Time for me to go.

Glen Arbor

2011-10-11T20:35:00.006-04:00

It seemed like ages ago that we ventured up to Glen Arbor for a long weekend. And the catch up that happened with our sleep quickly vanished upon our return, but it was a wonderful, beautiful, restful kind of weekend, full of complete conversations, quiet evenings and meals, soaks in the big tub, and shopping for hours at a time. The whole weekend was full of sunshine and fall colors. Our condo was up so high and on the side of a hill that when you looked out the windows, we were level with the tree tops. It was the cutest, cleanest condo.

It was so good to see my step-brother and step-sister. I am so proud of my step-brother. He always seems to have such a good head on his shoulders. It was great that i was able to watch him get married.

We rode the chairlifts up to the ceremony and so did the bride. It was beautiful. The ceremony was at the top of the ski hill overlooking Lake Michigan.

The Lodge was absolutely warm and inviting with flickering candlelight and beautiful center pieces of fall colored roses in pumpkins. TJ and i were a little surpised that we sat at table number 1 with Mike's mom, my step-sister and her husband and Mike's step-dad, but i realized that we are family and Mike doesn't have many family members on his side. George didn't come.

Married!
Back at the condo. . . i should have combed my hair before this picture!Loved, loved, loved this!

We were out and about in Traverse all day. It was FANTASTIC! This is at the Green House Cafe. Basically we ate early so we could eat a late, big dinner at Poppycocks! We like our food!
A big thank you to Lori and Gail for watching the girls and making so many memories with them. We were totally at peace knowing our girls were getting taken care of so well.

Mom

2011-10-01T19:39:00.002-04:00

I am having a difficult day. It would have been my mom's birthday today. I am having the hardest time as i snuggle with my girl or hear them giggle. She should have been able to experience being a grandma and my girls should have been able to know her. Jaely called her Nammy tonight to tell her about trying to put her shoes over her footed monkey jammies and saying in frustration "arg. this is driving me nuts." I would have loved to hear those conversations between Jaely and my mom.

There are just so many moments that i wish she could have been a part of. . .

I miss her. Some days are harder than others. . . this just happens to be a difficult one.

Reality

2011-09-13T20:14:00.002-04:00

This is the first full week of school and i am exhausted. I find myself on the way home from work having to dig deep to find some energy left for my girls. Today i successfully found some, but that isn't always the case. I still feel like i am waking up in the middle of the nigh when my alarm goes off at five.

It seems that i have a great group of kids. There are always a few that are going to make my job harder, but i still love it. Some kids are so neat. Some kids are so needy. Some kids are so funny. Some kids break your heart.

The word "nervous" is one of our vocabulary words for the week. We talked about what it means, we acted it out, we drew a picture that would remind us what the word means. I asked if anyone had any connections to the word "nervous." A boy raised his hand and sadly said, "i am nervous when i go to my dad's because he does drugs. He puts it into a needle thing and shoots it into his arm." Down to the counselor i went (to think TJ might hear these stories several times a day after he gets his masters). To this 8 year old, that is normal. That is his life. He has experienced things that i will never experience. That same day, his dad came to get him through the back door of our building that someone had left unlocked. His dad isn't supposed to see him, so the police were called when the dad was spotted. The child was quickly pulled from my classroom and taken away by his grandma as his dad (with a history of violence) was stalled in the hallway.

Since school started, i definitely have a heaviness put on my heart again to pray for these kids. Kids that have never been read to. Kids that don't have a mom. Kids that have had their cats put in the dryer by their step dad. Kids that have a mom in prison for stabbing someone 47 times. Kids whose parents have been going through a very messy divorce for three years. These are just the situations that i am aware of. . . it scares me to think what else is going on.

I look forward to seeing their smiles every morning. I could be the only one who reads them a book that day. I could be the only hug they get. I could be the only one who asks how they are. I could be the only one who looks them in the eye and listens when they are talking to me. My classroom could be the only place they can eat a decent breakfast. My classroom might be the few safe places they know and the most predictable place. What a HUGE amount of pressure that is.

Teaching

2011-09-04T21:11:00.003-04:00

One more day of freedom before 29 third graders come through my classroom door. Set up for this year as been stressful to say the least, but i feel ready enough to be excited about it. I put in 10 hour days last week and this weekend trying to get my room organized and ready. I was rushed. I was stressed. But now, i am ready enough. I had to move to a different room and the building was a complete disaster as it was getting renovated. It isn't complete, but they say it is safe enough for students.

Most years as i write the students' names on their goodie bags, i pray for our relationship. I pray that I would be the teacher they need me to be. And as i stuff their goodie bags i wonder what they are like and what i will remember about them in 5 years. Not this year. I was dropping things in as quickly as i could and i was half way through with slapping on the big smiley face sticker when i realized that i wasn't even paying attention to the names on the bags. Sad start.

This year, i won't start it pregnant and exhausted. I won't be gone for 10 weeks. I won't be out of sick days and i will get paid my full amount. I won't have to pump during my planning time, but i still get to feed Camryn in the morning and at night. I will miss my girls tremendously and am scared i am going to miss too much of their daily lives. I will cherish my time with them even more on the weekends and the little bit of time before dinner and bed time. Jaely is mad at me already for working, but she will adjust. We all will.

Thank God i have a supportive, loving husband. It is going to be a busy year as he gets his masters degree and does his counseling placement. He will be working full time and working on his thesis project. We will make it. We will each give 100% and where my 100% isn't enough, his will be and when his 100% isn't enough, mine will be. Hopefully.

I hope things slow down a bit. I have a feeling they won't.

Learning

2011-08-07T21:35:00.003-04:00

"Our Kids Are Worth What Ever It Takes" is the phrase that i have been chanting with over 200 teachers for the last four days. I have been attending a conference with about 13 other teachers from the district in which i teach. Although it is a long time to sit on my butt, especially when i am not used to sitting all day, i am getting wonderful ideas that challenge my thinking, but match my philosophy. This is the second time i have attended this conference and I am getting more from this time. I hope to apply a lot of what i am learning this year and i wanted to start doing Literacy Work Stations in my classroom. . . and i am moving to a new classroom. There is way too many new things this fall, but i am excited. I am excited to help more of my students be successful. I feel motivated and challenged. I still have four more days, so I think my mind might explode by the end. We will see!

Leelanau Peninsula

2011-07-15T22:32:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow our family of four is leaving our house for a week as we stay at a condo on Leelanau Peninsula. We will be surrounded by beaches, family, good shopping, and historical sights. We can sit poolside in our backyard (more like be in the pool with two little ones), watch private airplanes land and take off, ride bikes, climb up the old skiing mountain, walk on sand dunes, build sand castles, ride on boats, and read a book during nap times.

All the daily chores and cares will be caste aside as we inhabit a home that is not ours. We can crank up the air, do laundry (only if we want to), grill ribs all day, see how many beaches we can hit in a day, and go out on a date. I can't vacuum or scrub toilets. No dusting or cleaning windows. I do wish i could water my hanging baskets, but i can't so they might die.

It takes a great deal of planning and packing to get our family of four to the condo prepared, but i know it is worth it. TJ is staying up late trying to get ahead on some of his assignments for his grad class. I am just up late in great anticipation of leaving tomorrow

I will be away from my computer. I am leaving it behind. I will go through withdrawal, but then i will realize just how much reading i can get done without a computer!

See you when i get back.

It is July Already?!

2011-07-07T13:20:00.003-04:00

My days have been filled with smiles, giggles and adventures. We have been keeping busy with playing in the pools, going to an art fair, going to the beach, visiting with family, taking walks, hanging out in our pajamas all day, baking, going to the library, and shopping. Aside from the pure naughtiness that Jaelynne sometimes portrays, it is so enjoyable to hang out with my daughters. They are going to day care once or twice a week, which is awesome. Jaely gets to see her friends and i can run errands or clean the house. . . and take a nap!

I am reading a book about Literacy Work Stations that i want to try in my classroom next year, so almost every day i am armed with a highlighter, sticky notes, and a pen as i try to read my way through the book, stopping to think how i can implement some or most of the ideas into my classroom next year. . . without spending a lot more money than i already do on my classroom.

I am also trying to finish Jaely's ABC book. It seems like any free time i get, i am outside watering plants or weeding or tidying up the house. But i do enjoy those things.

Soon we will leave for vacation for a week on the Leelanau Peninsula. I am excited to relax and have a pool right in the backyard and be close to many beaches and to visit with family.

The girls are both napping now. I actually utter an audible sigh as i shut the second bedroom door and the house is quiet. . . the thought of "i made it" races through my head for an instance before i think "of course, i made it. I am good at this mom thing."

Now, for some me time. And packing. I am taking the girls with me on a little road trip to Nammy's house in hopes of leaving TJ with a quiet, undistracting setting for him to get a lot of graduate class work done.

Fathers

2011-06-19T21:51:00.005-04:00

I have been so blessed to have my dad in my life. I know he loves me beyond words. He gives advice, but only when asked. He is intelligent, hilarious, gentle, compassionate, and so incredibly thoughtful. Because i didn't see him on a daily basis growing up, i think our relationship during my teen years may have been somewhat strained. (ha! what relationship during the teen years isn't strained?!) Neither one of us are huge talkers on the phone, but as i got older and understood this and understood him, our relationship has really grown. When i think that his own dad didn't say the words "I love you", yet i hear that from my dad all the time, i consider myself very blessed. I know he loves me. That i will never doubt. I have loved seeing him as a grandpa. He is so thoughtful. . . always thinking of ways to help us enjoy things as a family (camping, bike rides, playing in our backyard, beach time). He is such a proud grandpa and as i type that i also know how very proud he is of me.

I put one of my hair ties in my dad's hair ages ago.

Three years ago, another dad entered my life, my husband became a dad for the first time. I have witnessed an incredible transformation, one that i cannot put into words. His patience amazes me (and at times, i must admit, surprises me). The way he laughs with our girls and plays with them brings great joy to my heart. He does so much for Camryn and Jaelynne and loves them deeply. Seeing TJ as a papa is an amazing thing to witness. I love him more and more because of it. I get a smile thinking of our girls growing up with a papa that is an amazing role model of how to respect and love women and how to be partners in life (with household chores, money, and decisions). I really should be sleeping, so this is not the best attempt at putting all this into words. :)

TJ with his girls in November-

Alanis says it best in her song Princes Familiar-

Papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
Papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar
Papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
Papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar
Papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
Papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

My Perfect Birthday

2011-06-13T20:26:00.009-04:00

After i got home from a short trip to school, i ate leftover cheesy potatoes and southern baked beans and then i headed out to the garden. I weeded, cut things back, sat in my swing, and pondered how to spend some birthday money. . . a hammock? A Pandora charm? A pair of Keen sandals? A free standing vine trellis?

Soon, the creeping Jenny will be covered with yellow flowers. The first couple popped open but there are thousands more to pop soon.

This place makes me oh so happy! I just love it!
When Jaely and Cami got home, Jaely made a cake with TJ. It was a texas sheet cake and it was delicious! It was made with a ton of love (and patience). TJ is such a patient papa.

Jaely sings me Happy Birthday.

Pure excitement on Jaelynne's face as the batter is poured into the pan.

My man also made me pasta a la caprese for dinner. Yummy!

Then Jaely brought me my gift. TJ was worried about frosting the cake, making out my card and wrapping my present. I told him not to wrap it since i would be tearing it off in mere minutes, so Jaely delivered my present.

(disclaimer- i do have shorts on. . . they just happen to be the exact color of my skin. . .creepy!)

I got a new Vera school bag!! My old one is falling apart! I also got a Life is Good mug for home for my chai latte.
Jaely said "Bye. I go to school now."

What a perfect day thanks to TJ and my two girls. I also got a number of cards, texts, calls, a delivery, and facebook wishes that kept me smiling all day!

Dirt

2011-05-29T15:36:00.003-04:00

I smell like dirt. I have it under my nails, down my shirt and in my bra. But I am happy. I hate bugs and worms, but when I see them when I am gardening, it doesn't bother me. I am in their territory. They do such good for my plant friends. I didn't have much time to spend outside. The weather is just not cooperating with my schedule. I could spend hours out their dividing and weeding and cutting back, but instead I get small snippets of time out there. I weed in random spots as I listen to the baby monitor, waiting for my baby girl to wake up. Today, I rushed around as I listened to the thunder roll in. I got the rest of the annuals planted and cut the creeping jenny way back. It is growing like crazy, getting ready to invade my peony. Doesn't it know I treasure that Peony and will kill it if it comes within a foot of my peony. Obviously not. Pictures will come soon enough. If I could just stop the weeds and baby maple trees. . .

Ugh.

2011-05-25T19:55:00.003-04:00

Camryn has a little cold. I rarely have to snuggle her to sleep, but tonight she needed a little help getting to sleep because she was congested. I stared at her and sang her "You are My Sunshine" and i thought that my friend, Kathleen, had once a long time ago did this to her then 6 month Greta. I am sure she looked into her baby's face and wondered what the future would hold and dreamed of everything her daughter would grow up to be. Greta was healthy at one point. I am sure she never imagined while looking into the eyes of her 6 month old that her daughter would get so sick with Leukemia at such a young age and for such a long time.

I just keep tearing up today, especially when i am carrying Cami and we were cheek to cheek. My heart is so heavy as my friend's daughter fights for her life as a second grader. I don't know many details. Those will come later. I do know that my friend is close to tears at school, that she longs to be with her daughter, but instead she is at work. I know that the docs have to run more tests. I know that Greta got her wish a couple weeks ago- to go to Disney with her family.

I don't know how much longer Greta can fight. She's been fighting for three years. There does not seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. Chemo has destroyed the three tiny bones in her ear. She is deaf in one ear. Chemo kills brain cells every time. Some of the side effects of treatments is other forms of cancer. The snippets i get of Greta holding onto her mom for dear life as the doctors have to rip her out of her mom's arms, of how no one will insure Greta when she is older, of the constant trips to GR and still trying to keep life as "normal" as possible for Grace, their oldest.

I don't know a lot of details. Kathleen doesn't like to sit and chat about it. I understand. I get it. But i see it on her face. When she needs something to eat, but doesn't have anything, i give her a snack. When she needs a pepsi, i scrounge around for change and get her one. I send her cookies and cards, hugs and prayers. I set yellow daffodils in her room. I feel so helpless. I know she is hurting so much today. She clammed up, held back tears and changed subjects. I don't know many details. I know i will later. She always tells me later, when things have settled down a bit, but i never get the full story. How can i? There would be so much pain in it, so much anger and sadness. So much doubt and guilt. In just one moment, so much can change. Greta was tired. . .. really, really tired so they took her to the doctors. Cancer. A three year struggle and for how much longer?

I am not making much sense, but if you are reading this please pray for a little girl named Greta who had red curly hair and likes to laugh. Pray her for parents, Kathleen and Rich and for their marriage. Pray for her bigger sister, Grace. Please pray.

More gardening

2011-05-21T17:13:00.005-04:00

I took this at night time as i was finishing up planting some flowers. It almost glowed.My peony is about to burst open. My mom would have loved to share and compare flowers. This peony was given to my by a friend. It isn't the kind that my mom once had (i wonder what it looks like now) but i do love it. And it seems really happy.
These little gnomes live in my garden. Whenever Jaelynne spots one she calls it santa claus. I move them around on her every now and then. They hide and aren't obnoxious (like some gnomes can be).

The new kid on the block- my solar powered glow in the dark lantern carrying fairy that i got from my dad. She is beautiful and the perfect size for her new home. Jaely hasn't met her yet. Darkness is just coming and you can tell her lantern has a little glow to it.

This is such a steep hill and it holds our air conditioner. I love what the sweet woodriff has done to it. There is some snow on the mountain at the bottom, too
The bottom garden is starting to look like a garden again after the flood two years ago. Things are planted. The shasta daisies and black-eye susan survived, although the black-eyed susan comes up all black and shriveled. I bought a healthy one to try to encourage the rest. :) There are also two coneflowers, dianthus, and two different kinds of bellflower (blue clips & another one). We also planted blanket flower for the first time ever because it was on super clearance, so i thought we should give it a try.

One of these things in this picture might be a weed. I don't remember so i am watching it carefully. It is huge and green and healthy. . . so it is probably a weed because it is in the lower garden.
I planted four columbine last night. They are flowers that definitely remind me of my mom. These ones are purple and white. They just always look so happy.

A new plant for the rock garden. A form of bellflower. I love the color.

Gardening

2011-05-19T20:51:00.005-04:00

Things have changed a bit since i i took these pictures, but they were uploaded and just waiting for words. So, here they are. The shade garden is looking awesome with our two huge bleeding hearts, wild ginger, Solomon's seal, jacob's ladder, sweet woodriff, hostas and ferns.

The back garden is getting there. I am really hoping the mulch helps me with the weeds. I have a lot of planting to do. I spent my gift card from Weesies. . . with great joy, i might add.

Just waiting to me planted. . .

So in love & so thankful

2011-05-17T20:51:00.003-04:00

So thankful for a husband who cooked dinner, cleaned up, ran the dishwasher, put Jaely to bed and put a load of laundry in the washer. Now he is snoring quietly on the chair as he takes a "nap" at 8:30 at night. Poor guy. He has the late night and now the early morning shift. I am so grateful that he truly is a partner in this journey with me.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T19:42:00.002-04:00

Being a mother is incredible, so incredible that i really can't explain it. I had no idea motherhood would be this amazing, challenging, rewarding, incredible, and exhausting.

Sometimes TJ and i just for fun think back to life before we had kids. It seemed so busy then. We were tired then and stressed. Now we just kind of laugh at ourselves because we had no idea what busy and tired really was.

I was treated like a queen bee today. I fed Cami at 7, but then TJ woke up so that i could go back to sleep. I slept for an hour more before i woke up and enjoyed scrambled eggs and buttered toast. TJ and Jaelynne made me a texas sheet cake. The sun was shining and i was itching to get out of the house. After Camryn woke back up, we all headed out for some perennial plant shopping, only to find that the place was closed. I was SO bummed! Jaely kept saying "it okay mama. It okay."

I worked in the garden a bit, went shopping for clothes for Jaelynne, ate my requested hamburger and cheesy potato dinner, avoided changing a very poopy diaper, and corrected papers on the deck.

I thought a lot about my mom, granna, and GG today. I thought about Dr. Dodd's and how thankful i am for technology and fertility treatments. I played with my girls, laughed and gave an enormous amount of kisses.

I watched my husband be an amazing dad and husband. I watched him think of all these little things he could do for me today as he showed my how much he appreciates me. Right now he just turned the dishwasher on, cleaned the table and is now cleaning the floors and chairs. He would do this if it wasn't mother's day. It is something he does often.

I have said it before, but I am so very blessed. Thank you for these gift you have given me, God.

I Know I signed Up for This. . .

2011-05-06T19:23:00.004-04:00

and i am so glad that i did. This being a mom thing is wonderful. . . more than i ever dreamed it would be.

But sometimes, i just want a little "me" time. It is 7:20. Both girls are sleeping (well, one is and one is in bed) and TJ is at class. I actually have a tiny bit of energy left, but i have so many things that i should do, and a few things that i want to do. . .

Should do

correct all those DRAs i did today (the written portions are going to take forever!)
Balance the check book- two months worth
pay bills
wrap a present
laundry
dust (has been on my list for awhile now. . . )
clean the kitchen
write two thank you notes
weed through the 700 pictures on my camera card

Want to do

spread mulch
scrapbook
read one of the three books i have started
read about the flowers in my garden
catch up on the DVRs of American Idol, Grey's Anatomy, Big Bang Theory and Desperate Housewives
find a babysitter so i could take advantage of the two Girls' nights out i was invited to this weekend.
paint my toenails
play Wii fit
quick trip to Chicago

So, what to do, what to do. Tomorrow, TJ is at class all day again. I won't get much done, but i will get a lot of quality time with my girls. That just means that my list, either one, will not get any smaller. In fact, one or the other or both might even grow.

Love

2011-05-02T21:08:00.005-04:00

I am just overflowing with love for my little girls. Squishy bottoms, personalities, conversations, contagious smiles, squeals of delights, drool, cuddles during a book, rice cereal and Kix cereal experiences, kisses & giggles and hugs of the grandest kinds.

What a deep, deep love.
Now i understand.
I get it.

Purple Hyacinths

2011-05-01T16:11:00.002-04:00

We worked in the garden today as much as two kids would allow. Actually TJ was the chosen one for getting his hands dirty and doing the labor. I had to keep my hands somewhat clean to swoop in and pick up Cami at an instance of warning. I really can't quite imagine playing outside all day without the play set.

Early this morning, i was inside while Cami was sleeping, so that i could get some laundry done. TJ was out with the bug. All of a sudden as i am folding a pair of jeans, i hear "mama! mama!" and a knock at the door. I opened to find this. . . Jaely holding a bowl full of hyacinths. It made me so incredibly happy. I said yesterday that i should cut some so i could enjoy them inside because i don't make it to the back very often during the week. I loved that she gave them to me with a big smile on her face. They are making our room smell unbelievable!
We are spreading mulch this year on the back gardens to help me with the weeds. I just couldn't keep up last year. It is the perfect time to do it because we got paid three times in the month of April. Hooray! I still have a gift card to Weesies that i am itching to spend. I am going to buy some flowers to replace the ones that got wrecked from the flood. I am so excited!!! The lower garden will have flowers once again!

The Month of May

2011-04-30T21:09:00.002-04:00

The month of May is going to be a crazy one, but once it is over, life should settle down. Not really, it will just be busy with stuff of our choosing i guess.

In May, school gets crazier with assessments and trying to fit all the curriculum in. There are field trips galore and field day and picnics and concerts. Our school is under construction so that is making the kids even wilder.

Every other weekend in May, TJ is taking a grad class in grand rapids. It will be nice to get it over with quickly, but killer on his already filled weekends and now add lawn and garden maintenance to that.

But, i got a little taste of summer today. We hung out outside almost all day. Jaely even got to play with her neighbor friend, Jaxson today. TJ shoveled mulch into gardens and Jaely charged up her climbing wall on the play set like she had done it a hundred times before. Last year she need our help and we basically had to push her the whole way up it. It was a tiring day and, at times, frustrating, but it was worth it. We have some happy girls!

I am nervous about how busy we have made our summer. But it should be a great balance of work and play and family time. I hope we don't spend a lot of money this summer. I hope we both feel rejuvenated by the end of it. There are Traverse City trips (work related), Upward Bound (teaching at MCC for TJ), a week long professional development for me, two camping trips, a week on Leelanau Peninsula, and trips to the zoo. See what i mean. . . i think after our busy May we will get a break, but not really!

Can you tell i am tired. My mind is bouncing around all over the place. Good night.

Our Weekend Adventure

2011-04-24T20:52:00.003-04:00

I had a FaBuLoUs Easter. Morning was kind of a blur. Camryn woke up early and Jaely woke up early with a horrendous cough. She is now to the barking stage, so probably doctors tomorrow. We managed to all take showers and get ourselves fancy. Thank goodness TJ took some pictures before we left for church. I was trying to pack most of our stuff up so we could head out as soon as possible after getting back from church and brunch. But in all the flurry of activity, there were these two smiles that made me pause in gratefulness.
It was a wonderful time. We colored Easter eggs, did an Easter egg hunt, hung out with trevor and lori and gail and steve, colored, read books, had an Easter basket hunt, sang Jesus Loves Me, went to church and brunch. We feel so loved, yet so exhausted. TJ and i tried to unpack, make dinner, put the girls to bed, clean up, and get ready for our week, but i feel as though i wasn't very successful in this. I feel completely unprepared for next week and we still have stuff everywhere in our house! But in the grand scheme of things, it is family and memories that matter. Seeing my girls with smiles on their faces made it all worth it. Jaely and Cami bring so many smiles to the people around them. . . TJ and i can't keep it all to ourselves. We have to spread the joy around. And i am so glad we did!

But. . . It is going to be a long week.

Florida Memories

2011-04-23T17:39:00.002-04:00

Every time over spring break, we would go to florida to visit my grandma and grandpa. I loved spending time down there. We would go to Adventure Island, Busch gardens, epcot, and Disney. We would go to the beach, have awesome food and go to the pool at the fitness center. I loved the Easter egg hunts. The chats with my granna and aunt. My brothers often picked on me, but i had dolls i could play with there and puzzles to do with my grandma and when i got older i liked to lay out in the back yard by the water, hoping i didn't get eaten by an alligator. I miss my grandpa and grandma. It is awesome to start making similar memories with Jaely. . . not only on Easter but the things we do during the summer too.

My grandpa and my uncle talking
Granna and one of her beloved dogs
A little excited.

I miss this warm place. . .

Panicky Thoughts

2011-04-15T19:46:00.002-04:00

The last couple of days i have had such a struggle with finding peace. I find myself staring at Cami and wondering what her future will be like. I couldn't still my heart last night as i thought about Jaely growing old in this world. Thankfully, TJ rubbed my head and sat with me on the couch as i fell asleep.

At work
Things are so stressful at work. Our school is broke. Resources are scarce and expectations are unrealistically high. The kids are fading and in the forefront is data, cuts, meetings, unnecessary paperwork. Teachers (friends) are not going to have a job next year. I am going to make less than i did this year, which was less than i made last year. There is talk of our union taking drastic job actions. Since we are both teachers, this is a serious event. Our district is constructing a beautiful building with bond money, but doesn't have the money to staff it or maintain it. We work our asses off, but are getting the message that we are easily replaceable.

In our State
Which moves me to my worry about the condition of our state. I want our girls to grow up in Michigan. It is a wonderful place to be, but can be so scary at times. Will they have the same opportunities TJ and i had when we were growing up? How will education change as they move through the grades? It is not looking good for the education system right now. Will we be able to afford to give them a comfortable life? Will we always be able to afford this house? Will things bounce back?

In our world
I heard on the news this morning that a newborn baby was left in a dumpster in a box. She was miraculously found alive. I heard yesterday that a mother drove her minivan off of a bridge, committing suicide and killing her children. Overseas is such a mess. . . well, so are we. Gas prices are so high. Japan is scaring me. Things become much more serious in my heart when my children are involved. I was more easy going, less bothered by these kinds of things before i had kids. Maybe i was harder, colder. . . i don't know, but i do know that now that i have kids, i lose sleep a lot more easily. My heart has a harder time being still. The "what if's" occupy my mind. I hear so many sad stories about cancer invading young families, especially in the White Lake Area and it is a reminder of how fragile life is- How your three year old can seem like a perfectly healthy happy girl, and then a year later you can be told she has a fatal disease. That a 10 year old's knees can be sore, but not with growing pains, with cancer. That is the world we live in. I know there are many amazing, miraculous things that happen every day. I am not saying that everything is horrible. I am just reminded so many times recently that life is fragile. That we live in a very broken world. That i can have all the love for my husband and all the love for my daughters, but sometimes that isn't enough to protect them from everything. I've felt tremendous pain in the past and because of that, i think i am scared of feeling it again.

Jaelynne had TJ and i laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes. She is so innocent, so fragile. I hate knowing that i can't protect her from everything. I need to just let that go. I love that my days are filled with kids, happy and healthy for the most part. I try not to concentrate on all the disturbing things- like a student whose mother steals her ADHD medication so she has to take it at school, or the student who comes to school with a cigarette burn on her cheek, or the student whose mother is in jail for repeatedly stabbing another person in front of the child. I try not to ponder those too much. Instead, i think of a group of girls running a mile and a half after school last night with Girls on the Run, or the huge amount of money that was donated for a needy family in our community, or those hugs i get every morning from students that are excited to come to school, or the pictures the nine year olds draw me, or their corny but funny jokes they can't wait to tell me.

The best though. . . you want to know the best things ever? The pitter patter of running feet across our wooden floor as i open the door to the house and i hear "mama's home! mama's home!" And Jaely runs to give me a giant leg hug and starts talking a mile a minute about her day. Or the contagious smile i get from Cami when she sees my face after hours of beng apart. . . her legs thumping up and down on the floor. A tender kiss from the most amazing partner i could ask for in this life. And to end the night, a family of four snuggling on the couch, reading about a pig who loves toast with a great deal of butter on it. Papa doing the characters' voices, mama holding Jaely's hand as she is wedged between her parents and a squishy, sleepy five month old sitting in my lap.

Life is good.
We are blessed beyond words.

Spring Break- Day 10

2011-04-10T21:26:00.002-04:00

The final day.

I got so used to being with Camryn and Jaelynne. To sleeping in until 7. To playing outside in the sun or doing crafts inside while it rained. I didn't get much done on my list, but it was kind of an impractical list. I got a lot done. . . much more than i would have if i was at school all week. The biggest difference i saw was the fact that i had so much more energy for my girls and my husband. It wasn't sucked all dry by the time i saw my family. That was refreshing and a glimpse into my summer.

So today, we played outside in the morning. It was a fantastic 81 degrees outside. TJ filled the sandbox with sand. The girls swung in their swings. I went shopping while the girls were taking their naps. I got a cute shirt and some more stickers for Jaely's ABC book. I vacuumed. Did some laundry. Corrected some papers.

In the evening we went to church. Our church decided to move the time and location to save some money and to save the exhausting chore of setting up and tearing down every week. It was wonderful tonight. It goes into Cami's bedtime, so she got a little fussy, but then perked up. By the time we got home, ate dinner and got ready for bed it was 9:10. Ouch. I put Camryn down right when we got home, but Jaely takes a bit more preparation.

Now, i really should go to bed. 5:00 is going to come quickly. I don't even remember what i planned to teach tomorrow. Yikes!

Spring Break- Day 9

2011-04-09T20:17:00.003-04:00

I had a wonderful ninth day of spring break. The weather was awesome and i got to spend some quality time with my girls. I told TJ to have the day to himself and do whatever he wanted to do. Although i didn't expect it, i was thankful that he helped out during lunch time. I needed to feed Cami and Jaely at the same time. Other than that, things went very smoothly. I put Cami in her dress for her 5 month pictures (i know, already!) and then we all played on the floor. Jaely insisted on wearing a dress because Cami was. After i put cami down for her morning nap, Jaely and i made Camryn a cake to celebrate her special day. I actually let Jaely stir real ingredients, instead of fake ones. It was great to giggle together. She just seems so old to me!

I told Jaely that as soon as Camryn woke up from her nap we would head outside to play on her play set. She was so excited. She wanted to wear her winter jacket and it was early enough where it was kind of chilly, so i let her. I bundled Camryn up in her stroller. She is such an easy going girl. She just watched Jaely play and stared at everything outside. Jaely was so excited to get back on her swings and slide!

When the girls went down for their naps, i dusted and cleaned toilets. I know, doesn't sound very exciting, but it was for me because it is something that i have been wanting to do. After the girls got up we went back outside where Jaelynne wanted to eat her snack on her new table. By this time, it is much warmer. We enjoyed our backyard so very much and got to meet our new neighbors that live behind us- two retired teachers. Jaely really enjoyed their two small dogs. TJ put Camryn's swing up and the glider. The girls could have stayed out there forever, but it was time to come in and get ready for dinner.

I had a wonderful day with my girls and TJ got some things done that he wanted to. I just painted my toenails a bright pink color in anticipation for sandal weather coming soon. As soon as Jaely sees them tomorrow, she is going to want hers painted. We will have to see.

Tomorrow, i do need to correct papers and do some planning. Reality will start to set in, but as for tonight, i am not thinking about school at all!

Spring Break- Day 8

2011-04-08T19:34:00.004-04:00

I had a wonderful, busy, exhausting, eXcITiNg adventure today. And i am tired because of it. We took the girls to the Grand Rapids Children's Museum. There was sooooo much there for Jaely to do. My mistake- i told her last night that we were going on an adventure today, but that we were keeping our destination a surprise. She really wanted to go to McDonalds, so i guaranteed her that it was better than McDonalds. Well, i think that caused too much excitement in that little heart of hers because she could not settle down last night. She was in her bedroom at 7:30, but did not fall asleep until a little after 11:00! 11:00!!!! And then she woke up at her normal 7:20 time. So we took a very tired bug on an adventure. If she was well rested, she would have investigated more and stayed longer at each activity. Instead, she wandered around from place to place never really settling for more than a couple minutes. Let's just say it was a busy morning.

By 12:00 we were all over stimulated and ready to go. . . so we headed out to Twisted Rooster and met Jered there. By the time we left the restaurant, Jaely was a tired mess. It was nice to see Jered and Jaely was really excited. I love that my dad lives just a little north and my oldest brother lives just a little south. I need family around me.

When we got home, we all took naps. Short naps, but they were naps. We didn't want the girls to sleep too late because we wanted them to go to bed tonight. Cami is already asleep in her crib and Jaely is almost asleep with her eyes open as she finally finishes up dinner.

It was an adventurous day. I am so glad we live close to Grand Rapids. There is so much to do there. We really live in a perfect place- close to ludington, grand haven, grand Rapids, Holland. Even pretty close to Chicago for a weekend trip. . .

Spring Break- Day 7

2011-04-07T15:30:00.006-04:00

My day can be separated into two categories- inside & outside.

Inside-
This morning after we dropped off the girls, we went to Toast & Jams for some breakfast. It was great to eat enjoy a quiet meal without any interruptions. Well, there was this one interruption that made me jumpy for the rest of the meal. The lady in the booth behind me went "PPPPSSSSSSTTTTTT" really loudly in my ear. She thought she knew me. She didn't. She scared the bejeebers out of me! When we got home, TJ worked on the built-in and i went downstairs to scrap.
This isn't finished yet, but doesn't it look beautiful?!

My A page for Jaely's ABC book. I have a lot done. . .

These i made with my Cricut. I am running out of stickers that start with different letters of the alphabet, but my Cricut came through for me!
Outside-
I have blisters on my hands from all the raking and i have dirt caked under my nails, but i LOVED working outside in the sunshine and warm weather. The back garden is quite a mess because i let it go by late summer. . . i was pregnant and tired. I am hoping to get wood chips to help me keep the weeds down this year. They got out of control last summer. There is some green this early on. . .

Hycinths

the reddish purple color of the peony

the sedum

a Hen & Chick

I filled the wheelbarrow many times with all the leaves and dead stuff.
The boxwoods are doing very well and the hostas in front of them are just starting to peek through the soil.
There are buds on the Fountain Cherry tree!

I have a hair appointment tonight that couldn't be switched. TJ is going to have to give Cami a bottle, entertain a three year old and get dinner ready while i sit in a chair and get my shoulders massaged. I feel bad. That means tomorrow we are going to the Children's Museum. I am bummed that Kevin Kammeraad won't be there like he is tonight, but going tomorrow will also give Jaely more time to play with things.

Spring Break- Day 6

2011-04-06T16:11:00.006-04:00

I decided to run out to the mall for Younker's "Best sale of the season" sale and then i needed to stop at Jo Ann's because they have their stickers on sale this week. It was wonderful to wander around and not have to worry about jaely getting bored or Camryn having to eat or to sleep. I wandered and probably didn't make the best use of my time because of it, but enjoyed the wandering. When i got back, i had to pump and eat lunch and then i was off to the basement.

The basement is where i set up my crafting area. I have all of my scrapbooking stuff down there. I can leave it out, which helps a ton. I get a lot more done when i can sneak down there and everything is ready to go and then when i am out of time or a baby is crying, i can stop what i am doing and i don't have to put it all away. My Cricut is always ready to go and Jaely's hanging artwork and pictures inspire me. Sometimes the sun pours through the window. It can be chilly at times and it is nothing special, but i LOVE it. I also have my sewing machine down there and my huge cutting table. Right now there is a huge pile of cut fabric and a storage tub of cut ribbon ready for loopie making. Today, though, i just concentrated on scrapbooking. And honestly, i was down there for like 40 minutes before an uncontrollable sleepiness came over me. One that had to be given a short nap. I didn't get much done today while the kids were away, but i feel like i got some "me" time and i needed that!

TJ was able to put together Jaely and Cami's new outdoor table that they got from Nammy and Grandpa. And. . . he worked on the built-in!!! The window seat is glued together. I am getting really ExCitED about it again! TJ also fixed the stool that i got for free for school.Now i am looking forward to when the girls get home. I love to play with Jaely. . .it is so much more fun when i have energy. And i get to fed Camryn. I love having that bond with her. Who knows what i am going to do after their bedtime. Cami has been a bit fussy in her crib that last two nights. Nothing major, but annoying enough where you have to stick close by to reswaddle or reinsert her binky.

Spring Break- Day 5

2011-04-05T19:03:00.004-04:00

Finally. . . sunshine and warmer temperatures. It actually feels like spring break. I tried to enjoy the sunshine while it lasts. I opened all the blinds and let the sun pour in. The cats appreciated it as they lounged in the warmth, sometimes stretching their bodies to fit in a single stream of light. Today was a very productive day. TJ dropped the girls off at Miss Amber's house at 9 and didn't pick them up until 4. We both got a lot done, independently of each other. TJ worked on reviving the truck. . . he swears it is saying "I'm not dead, yet." I beg to differ, but we can agree to disagree fairly easily on such issues. And i know there will be a time when i will be thankful that we have that truck. I just don't know how often that will occur or how soon it can occur. :)

While he worked outside on the truck and doing some spring cleanup, i worked inside. I cleaned out the girls' closets & cut tags off of their spring and summer clothes- some i had bought over two years ago at an amazing price. I washed them and then put them away. I was still not ready to put away long sleeves, sweaters, sweatshirts or jeans. So their summer and spring things sit in their closets, but they are ready to go when warm weather gets here. And when the busy end of the school year comes, i will be so thankful i got that done.

I also took on the task of catching up on Camryn's baby book. I was five months behind. That project spurred on the project of organizing pictures and albums. I labeled our albums with letters of the alphabet. In three years, we are already up to the letter S. Yikes! I scrapbooked quick pages of Cami's first Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Valentine's Day for her baby book. I had to go back on her blog and read about her at one month, two months, three months and four months so i could fill out that part of her baby book. That took awhile.

I am pondering about what to do tomorrow. I want to scrapbook Jaely's alphabet book, clean up the basement and go shopping for a few spring clothes (even though, i probably shouldn't). I need to have a plan of what i am doing before i wake up tomorrow. Maybe i should make a list. . .

Spring Break- Day 4

2011-04-04T20:28:00.002-04:00

Because of Spring Break, i am getting to spend a lot of time with these two people.
Mornings are slower paced and starting a little later. I love snuggling, reading, and playing with my daughters. Today, Jaely said she wanted to go to the mall and play. I took her to Hobby Lobby first. We got some stickers and some finger paint to help get us through some of these rainy days that sound like they are sticking around. Jaely could not stop talking about the finger paints. She kept holding up her hands and wiggling her fingers. I set up a table for her downstairs for some of her crafting. Then we were off to the mall. I loved walking hand in hand with my three year old through the mall. She was pointing out purses and shoes and clothes. When she saw cars parked in the middle of the mall she said "silly cars, mama!" We stopped at the gap and found some robot pajamas on clearance and a few other goodies. Then we went to the play area. Jaely stuck closer to me at the play area than she did at the Gap. She said "too many people, mama. I go home and play with toys." So. . . off we went back home. Little did she know it was time for lunch and a nap. Toys would have to wait.

I love having energy for my daughters. It doesn't seem all spent by the time i get to play with them. My two hour naps do wonders for me! Almost every day so far, we have taken naps all at the same time. TJ falls asleep on the couch in front of the TV, Cami goes to sleep unbelievably quickly in her crib, Jaely puts pajamas on a few friends before crashing, and i crawl into bed as the little bit of light peeks in through the windows. The cats curl up on the bed by my feet and everyone sleeps. Everyone wakes up at about the same time too.

Although i am not in Florida or getting my windows and screens washed, i am savoring my time off. I looked at the clock this morning at 8:20 and a huge grin came over my face because instead of standing outside my classroom door greeting my students, i was making Camryn giggle on the floor.

Spring Break - Day 3

2011-04-03T19:32:00.003-04:00

I had the perfect day. . . well, it may have been a titch more perfect if it was sunny and warm, instead of snowy and cold.

But. . . .

We got to celebrate the lives of two amazing three year olds today by dressing up and going to the Frederik Meijer Gardens. Happy Birthday Sophia and Jaelynne! You have brought so many smiles to people's faces.
It was so good to hang out with friends. With four kids there were quite a few interruptions in our conversations, but between chasing after kids, answering their questions, directing their attention and being interested in their experience we did manage to get a few conversations in. It was refreshing.

I think i might scrapbook tonight even though i am so tired. I just feel like relaxing, but being productive at the same time. And. . . it is spring break after all. I do not have to begin my day at 5 in the morning tomorrow! For that i am truly thankful.

Spring Break- Day 2

2011-04-02T15:27:00.002-04:00

Today has been a rather strange day, although I am not sure what started it going in a strange direction. I got to sleep in two hours again. This morning i fed camryn and then fed Jaely when she got up, which is something i rarely do. It was nice. Then i spent the morning playing with the two girls. We are headed out after naps. I was going to go to some garage sales this morning, but the weather was quite disgusting- foggy & drizzling. So we all stayed in our jammies. . . everyone but Cami. She always gets dressed!

I did get a two hour nap in again! Whoo Hoo! The remainder of my break i am not going to take such naps. I am going to try to do something productive, yet enjoyable. Naps don't fit into that category. The sun is starting to peek out and i am gaining back some motivation to do stuff. Off i go to do who knows what!

Preschool

2011-04-01T21:35:00.003-04:00

Of course I fell in love with the preschool we visited today. If i ran a preschool, i would totally set it up this way. Everything looked so organized and child-centered. The staff is very credible and seemed amazing. Jaely seemed so comfortable there. I loved the art section, all the cubbies, the small tables and chairs and benches, the murals and stage, the pets, and the exciting curriculum that i think Jaelynne is ready for.

But. . .
Next year is going to be a mixed up year anyway with TJ trying to finish his masters degree. The girls will have to be at daycare all day because TJ needs to work part time but also get his 600 hour practicum in. Which means all day day care but only getting paid as a half time person, plus the costs of all the classes (about $8000) next year. Time is running out to satisfy his degree without having to retake (and repay for) classes that he took when he started his degree. I support him in this and want so bad to make it work for him. He just seems like he would be an amazing counselor.

So we started the hunt for preschools. I felt like we don't have many options based on location. Neither one of us can really leave our job to run Jaely to Daycare mid day. The preschool we fell in love with is close to Amber so she has been known to pick kids up there and then have them finish the day up at her house.

Because the girls will be full time there next year, Daycare will cost the same if Jaely is there everyday or if she goes to Preschool three mornings a week. . . so basically Preschool will be extra, instead of taking the place of some daycare costs. I think Jaely would thrive at this preschool. I think it would be a great opportunity to learn more in the area of pre-literacy. She would also learn Spanish and sign language, participate in dramatic play and music, and learn more gross and fine motor skills.

With the increase in daycare costs and the amount of money to pay for the grad classes, i don't know if we can swing it. This is not what we intended. We wanted to not have to put our girls in daycare at all. We compromised with half days, and it turned out to be a wonderful thing. We are very happy with the set up we have now. There are few rushed mornings. The girls get plenty of sleep and plenty of play time with their papa. Jaely has learned to share and make friends because of daycare, but to be there all day is still not what we wanted.

Will i be okay with waiting until she is four to send her to preschool? Will i have regrets? Will the increase in pay once TJ gets his masters compensate quickly for this financially tough year ahead of us?

I just don't know what to do.

Arg.

Spring Break- Day 1

2011-04-01T12:28:00.002-04:00

I got to sleep in until 7, instead of 5. I enjoyed feeding Cami and not feeling as rushed as a typically do on a Friday morning. She is super cuddly in the morning & this morning i had time to cuddle and play and make her giggle. I also had time to sip my chai, not out of a travel mug while driving to work, but out of a latte mug while sitting next to cami. I even sprinkled some extra cinnamon on it. It is only 12:30 and we have had quite an adventure already this morning. We went to a garage sale with the girls. They had brand new crafting and scrapbooking things for super cheap. They also had precious moments for $5, but i resisted my temptation, especially since i don't have my current collection fully displayed as it is. We got Jae an awesome organizer filled with beads, never opened and a polly pocket car and camper. She is so excited to go camping this summer. She has already started talking about it.

In a few minutes i am going to take a nap. . .a guilt free nap, which NEVER happens. I should always be doing something else, but now that it is spring break, i can tell myself that i have plenty of time to get things done at another time.

This evening, Jaely and papa are going to Miss Amber's for some pizza and to see some of her friends. I am hanging at home with the Camster. This spring break, i hope to get some scrapbooking done, start weeding through stuff in the basement, maybe rake out the gardens, and if it is warm enough clean windows and screens. That is quite a list with a 3 year old and an almost 5 month old. We will see!

A year Ago

2011-03-04T05:17:00.001-05:00

About a year ago today, TJ was in Houston for school. Gail was in town to help me with Jaely. I had an early morning appointment in Grand Rapids with the fertility specialists. We were trying yet another round of hormones. . . more shots, more appointments, more moodiness. I had an appointment because i had already started my next round of shots. My previous round had ended with me getting my period, which means we weren't pregnant. That round didn't take. When i am on my shots, they monitor my follicles closely for growth. I was going in to the doctors like i had so many times before. It normally is a quick appointment and i can get to school to finish the afternoon. When i went in about a year ago, the nurse did my ultrasound to see how my follicles were looking. She got really quiet and stopped to double check my chart. I saw her reread it. She then asked me how my last round of shots ended. I told her that i had gotten my period. She asked if it was a normal one. She finally said that on my ultrasound she had seen something that looked like a pregnancy. She didn't want me to get my hopes up, but she was sending me to the hospital to get blood drawn stat. She said the "something" wasn't there at my last visit, but there was a chance it was something else.

I got in the car. I really didn't care too much about getting back to school. I called TJ. He downplayed it (his typical response). Then i called gail, who promptly pulled her car over with Jaely in the backseat and they prayed. I got my blood drawn and then went to school. I tried to act normal, but i just had to tell some of my friends that something was spotted in my uterus. I taught and then while my kids were in computers. . . i got the call. My blood work came back positive. POSITIVE! I tried calling TJ, but no answer. I interrupted my friends' classes to sneak in and whisper the good news. I was already 6 weeks pregnant! I knew with Jaely when i was only two weeks. I immediately thought back to what i had drank, taken, and done. All was good! I was worried about all the shots that i had already started, but they told me they won't harm the baby and, in fact could even help me keep the baby.

Camryn had somehow hung on. My period was probably a miscarriage (i had many follicles ready to drop an egg when i got my final shot, which could result in multiples).

I will never forget that day. Never forget when i learned we were going to have our second child. I was so cautious. Because it was such a strange circumstance, i kept waiting for something to go wrong in my pregnancy. . .but it didn't. She remained healthy and strong.

A year ago i learned that God had begun to knit another tiny human being in me. I learned i could be done with those awful hormone shots that make me turn into a witch. I learned Jaely would be a big sister. A year ago, i witnessed a miracle.

Camryn is "talking" very loudly next to me as i type this. Tears flood my eyes. What a miracle. What a blessing. What an unexpected answer to prayer

I Found My Groove

2011-02-26T08:05:00.003-05:00

I finally found my groove. Life has a predictable rhythm once again. It is a fast paced rhythm that leaves little time for errors, extras, and me, but i am just so glad i found it. I wake up in the morning at 5 (sometimes earlier if Cami wakes up earlier) hop in the shower with the monitor sitting on the counter, do my make-up and hair and then pack my lunch, get all the parts to my pump packed, and even measure out the milk and chai mix for my daily chai. I do everything i can to get ready for school, except get dressed. At 6, i wake up my little snuggle bug and feed her. Then i put her back in her crib after a few snuggles and get dressed. Put my chai mixture in the microwave while i start my car and load it and then i am off. I correct papers while i walk around the room watching my kids do their independent practice and activities. I pump at lunch and planning, help kids finish their work during recess or quiz them on their multiplication facts for the taco party they could earn, teach my little heart out the rest of the time and then get the kids on the bus. I then have 15 minutes to clean up my desk and room before heading out the door to see my hubbie and girls. I get home and have to pump and then i cuddle Cami a few moments before she goes to sleep. I play with jaely and then we pick up her toys for dinner. Eat dinner then clean up from dinner, nurse Cami, play with cami and get her jammies on for bed. Then once she is asleep at 9;30 ish, i can either do school work, tidy up or go to bed. Normally. . . i veg on the couch and watch a show or facebook while drifting off to sleep.

I am sure this is a typical schedule of anybody with two kids. It took awhile to figure it out, but i did. And thank goodness for weekends for cleaning, family time, and laundry. . . and most of all, thank goodness for TJ. His day is very similar!

Sounds

2011-02-22T21:39:00.003-05:00

The sounds of my snoring husband mixed with the heavy breathing and little squeaks coming from my youngest daughter make my heart a happy one. Cami is nestled and sleeping in the crook of TJ's arm, sucking ever so gently and rhythmically on her binky. Soon, her lips will part and the binky will fall out, revealing her perfect pink lips and she will continue to sleep soundly. I just checked on Jaely, the sound of her rain machine coming from her room and her night light shining through under the door. She has surrounded herself with her friends during her first night back in her bed after staying at relatives. She has changed her pajamas after we said good night and dressed Ella in the pajamas that she was wearing. She has each friend set up on a pillow and you can tell that she has read them a book before tucking them all in. She too is breathing heavily. She was one tired bug from all the festivities of her trip. She was asleep in no time.

The house is very quiet, except for the soft sound of the rain machine and the heavy breathing from all of its sleeping occupants. I enjoy quiet. Without Jaely home these last few days it has been too quiet. But when there is such potential for loudness, i love the quiet. . . the peacefulness, the tranquility.

TJ's snoring makes me smile (most of the time) and so does Cami's little sighs. I wish i could hear my mom's laugh one more time. I wish my mom would have been able to experience the quiet moment of holding her sleeping granddaughter and giggling with her oldest granddaughter. Jaely's laughter mixed with my mother's would have been a delightful sound.

I love our home. How quiet and peaceful it can be and how sometimes it feels like it is going to burst with energy and laughter. How every occupant can be crazily dancing in the living room one moment and snuggled under blankets the next. I love family, being so relaxed and loved for who i am. I love being still, being thankful, being quiet. Lately, this is a rarity, but i am thankful for it.

Some Time to Myself

2011-02-18T07:23:00.002-05:00

(sigh) i am sitting on the couch sipping a perfect chai, the kind with a little cinnamon sprinkled on top. I didn't have to wake up at 5 today, even though it is a week day. I am on break. Cami slept in until almost 7, so i woke up and fed her and put her back down. I decided to stay up and get some things done while everyone is sleeping, but instead i find that i just want to sit and enjoy some me time. I don't have much left, but i am enjoying every second. Soon, i have to shower, and hang with both girls while TJ runs some errands and then i am off to run some errands- one being a weight watchers meeting, where i know i will not like the numbers on the scale this week.

This mid winter break i have great plans. I want to finish our taxes, renew my teaching certificate, clean the entire house, grade papers, do laundry, and i would love to scrap for just a little bit. We are leaving for the east side of the state tomorrow after a birthday party in Grandville. We are coming back on Sunday without Jaely. I hope to get some things accomplished, but i am trying not to get my hopes up. Taxes take a loooooong time.

yum. What a perfect chai- what a perfect morning.

I am Doing Okay.

2011-01-28T21:21:00.002-05:00

I just can't seem to figure life's rhythm out right now. I can't find my groove, and when i think i found it in one area, i am either being mediocre as a teacher, a wife or a mom. Sometimes, i am not even mediocre. I am tired. I have a lot of guilt. I should be grading papers. I should be playing more with Camryn. I should be reading to her every day. I should be getting the house clean. I should be dancing with Jaely. I should be cleaning up from dinner. I should be a better listener to TJ. I should have more patience for my students.

I feel like i am going non-stop. Grading papers with one hand while pumping in my classroom with the other. Folding laundry while kind of playing with Cami as she lays on our bed. Laying out clothes for the next day while carrying Camryn around. Blogging while kind of playing with Camryn next to me. Nursing Camryn while asking Jaely about her day. Listening to TJ tell me about his day as i play with jaely. No one is getting my undivided attention, and it is driving me nuts.

Right now, i am just so tired so nothing is making sense. In a few more minutes i can put camryn down for the night and then i am down for the night. Well, i have to wake in a couple of hours to pump. I just need sleep. I didn't realize how important sleep can be for me. I eat worse when i am exhausted. I have no patience. I get overwhelmed.

I am so glad it is the weekend. At nap time tomorrow, do i clean the house or do i do a tad of scrap booking? Or maybe take a nap. Or grade the mound of papers i have. Or go on a family outing.

TJ

2011-01-24T19:14:00.002-05:00

Today is TJ's birthday. He is reading to Jaely her bed time book as i write this. He has made me smile so many times today. He has made dinner and emptied the dishwasher. He has fed Camryn a bottle and fed jaely a messy breakfast. He has tenderly kissed me and sent me pictures of cami today. He has balanced work at school and work at home. He let me park in the garage. This is his everyday. He is amazing. I am so thankful that God brought our paths together. I think of when we first met- When i giggled as i stuffed my nose into his armpit because i liked the smell of his deodorant. When he would drive me home in the Aerostar and kiss me in my driveway. When he would snuggle with me on the couch and rub my head. I loved him then, when we were so young and our worries were homework and what to do Saturday night. Now, our life is so different. We have bigger worries, but such huge joys. I love how he loves me. I love how he loves our girls. I cannot imagine life without him. It would be such a lonely path. I am so blessed and so thankful that God knitted TJ together, knowing that he would be perfect for me and knowing that he would have such an impact on the world around him.

Happy birthday Rescue Ranger.

Thanks Charity!

2011-01-20T20:24:00.002-05:00

I stole these pictures from my friend's blog. They are from New Year's Eve.

The kidsThe Guys

The girls

Jaely

Charity nursing Cami (Just kidding!) Cami likes to bury her face in armpits, so it can look a little awkward!

I am so thankful God put these friends in our lives.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho. . .

2011-01-15T09:23:00.002-05:00

It's off to work i go.

Blah. It is going to be so hard Monday to leave my 10 week old baby. When i set up my maternity leave, i pictured leaving a tiny fragile newborn. That, however, is not the case. I don't worry about her. . . i just am bummed that i am going to miss her and many of her firsts. I was home with Jaelynne for a year and a half, so i have never had to do this.

What i am worried about is pumping at work. Where will i do it? When will i get work done? Am i going to explode?! Am i going to leak? What am i going to do on days i don't have a break, like my first day back with students. I have fifteen minutes to eat my lunch and that is my only break for that whole day. Yikes!

I am so thankful for Amber. I truly have no worries handing our most precious gifts over to her for half the day and i obviously have no worries about TJ for the other half. I just hope he enjoys his part time job of staying home with both girls.

So, if you are one of the few that read this blog, please say a prayer for me if you think of it. I could use it. Camryn will be fine. . . it is me i am worried about!

New Year's Eve

2011-01-01T11:33:00.007-05:00

It felt so good to see friends, laugh and eat. There were 15 kids there, including a 2 day old Liam. It was crazy and loud at times and the kids turned the basement into a disaster zone, but it was so nice to reconnect with people.

Trying to get all the kids together for a picture.
Everyone needed to get in there spots before Liam and camryn were added onto their pillows.
Nobody really knows where to look!

Maya with her umbrella- they were a big hit.

And this is just the beginning of the mess that was created!
Noah liked this seat more than Keegan did!
Daniel giving Camryn her bottle. She ate at 11 and then didn't eat again until 6:40. Whoo Hoo!
Thanks Ang and Ryan for having all of us over. We really do need to get together more.

Intervention

2010-12-13T15:14:00.002-05:00

For the last five weeks, i have spent a lot of time on the couch. That is just what you do with a newborn, whether i am nursing her 7 times around the clock or trying to calm her down so she can go to sleep or snuggle with her or playing with her. It all seems to be done in the living room.

The nice thing is that we have a DVR, so i can watch anything i want at anytime i want. I caught up on Grey's Anatomy by watching it at 3 in the morning while feeding Cami. I can pause it while we go change her diaper or stop it only to resume later when we both are ready to go back to bed. When she is this little, we watch TV. As soon as she becomes aware of it, it goes off until she is about 2. . . or when Jae is watching it. Yikes!

My latest show that i am watching is Intervention. Such sad stories. . . unbelievable at times. The person's past is often talked about as being normal, yet presently they are so out of control. I have cried during this show, i have had my jaw drop, and i have wondered. One reason i am so enthralled with the show is that i have never done drugs myself. I cannot believe what the drugs do to the people and to their families. I can't imagine losing custody of Jaely and Cami because i chose drugs over my children. I am not judging. It could happen to anyone. It could happen to Jaely. It could happen to Camryn. I pray daily it doesn't.

Like i said previously, i am watching this while taking care of Camryn. I cannot tell you how emotional it is to watch people go through such horrors while staring at your 5 week old daughter, while caressing her cheek, or feeling her fuzzy head. I have found myself praying continuously for our girls as i watch this show. Praying that they may have a deep relationship with God, praying for their decisions in life, knowing that ultimately it is their decisions. . .not mine or TJ's. Praying for their hearts. I have to trust that as we bring them up, we are instilling enough good in them so that eventually we can set them free and they make the right decisions for them.

It is so difficult to look at a five week old or a two year old and think about them one day being picked on, hurt, disappointed, or lied to, but i know they both will be (they will probably even do it to each other occasionally). I hope and pray that in the end they have the confidence, the role models and the relationships to guide them.

Spending time in the living room also makes me reminisce over past Christmases as our Christmas tree shines brightly. I think a lot about my mom. I now have a better grasp of her love for me and my brothers. I wish i could talk to her about it. Ask her how it felt when she knew we were getting picked on, or when we didn't make the team, or when we made bad choices. Ask her what she thought as she held her tiny babies. We could talk about that deep love that exists between a mother and child. I could ask her when i stopped believing in Santa, what she told us when we asked how santa got in our house without a fireplace, and when did she get a chance to Christmas shopping without her three kids. This Christmas is a celebration, of course. A celebration of Jesus. A celebration of family. . . with a new addition this year. :) Yet at the same time, it is a time to remember GG. . . it will be our first Christmas without her. It already feels weird. And i know how gail must be feeling. I have been there. I am not sure if it gets easier around this time of year. We will remember Grandma Shirley & Grandpa Bud opening packages so slowly you wanted to go up to him and tear the paper right off his presents. We will remember Grandpa Howell. . . he would have loved to meet his great grandchildren. I will remember my mom especially. . . how truly excited she would become as her kids gathered around her at Christmas, coming home to visit. She would greet us with a kiss a hug and a dance around the kitchen as she wore a long velour robe. I remember helping make Christmas cookies and wrapping presents. I remember decorating the christmas tree all by myself and having to hang the homemade ornaments in the back of tree. I remember untying a candy cane a day off of the homemade things that hung from the cupboard. I remember setting up the tiny nativity scene in my bedroom and putting the candles in all the windows and hanging the stocking from the bookcase on our angel, snowman, or santa clause stocking hangers. I remember after opening presents we would have Chrisrmas brunch. . . my mom would plan such a menu. I remember my mom having to make coffee before the opening of presents could begin. I remember her themes, her laugh, her excitement, her cooking and her nagging.

We will remember the past and celebrate the present as we pray for the future. May God protect the hearts of our Camryn and Jaelynne.

Nine Amazing Years

2010-10-17T14:05:00.002-04:00

This weekend, Gail came to watch Jaelynne while TJ and i got a little anniversary getaway. We left Friday for Grand Rapids. I wanted to stay close because i am 37 weeks pregnant. We ate a most delicious meal at Twisted Rooster. TJ drank good beer, we both enjoyed a steak- mine came with unbelievable garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus. Then we both enjoyed a brownie stuffed with ice cream. I just a tiny bit. Once at the beautiful JW marriot, i went into the soaking tub. I couldn't wait! I fell asleep in there and luckily did not drown.

Sleeping in was the best. We BOTH got to sleep in. . . even though we were both awake at 7:30 (that is what parenthood does to you) we could lounge around. It was wonderful.

Who would think that the little bit of cream that was in my mashed potatoes would make the next day quite miserable for me? I was not happy. We had a day of shopping ahead of us. . . i don't know how many crackers i ate and how many restrooms i visited. . . all because of some mashed potatoes. I was pissed.

Meanwhile, back at home, Jaely and nammy were having fun with the train at the bookstore, making and baking cookies, going to McDonald's playland, and getting a bath. TJ and i had to come home on Saturday night because he had previous commitments at church. When we came home, Jaely still wanted Nammy to do everything with her. It was adorable "no. stop. Nammy."

Gail hung out today, and i got a lot done while the bug and her played outside. They went for a walk, played on the play set, pulled the wagon, and rode her tricycle.

I am so in love with the man i married. He had me laughing the whole weekend. It was great to relax together, to think of how our near future is about to change drastically, to talk without having to also entertain a 2 year old, to eat out and shop with just each other as we wandered around in no rush.

TJ never ceases to amaze me. He has been wonderful during this pregnancy (well, the whole marriage, really!). He takes such good care of his girls, makes me laugh, loves me no matter what i look like, lets me love him back, respects me, encourages me, has such an amazing heart, and listens.

I love you babe!

34 Weeks!

2010-09-25T19:47:00.004-04:00

I should have stood more to the side for a true side profile. . . this picture doesn't do my belly justice.

Wow- 34 weeks already! I feel just as big as the night i had Jaelynne. My heartburn is constant and my arms keep falling asleep at night. My belly button might betray me this pregnancy. The edges are slowly starting to protrude. I am exhausted.

BUT. . . i am just so excited to meet this little one. I love when she gets hiccups. I love when she moves and flips and kicks and elbows me. I love to think about what she is going to look like. How much hair is she going to have? What color will it be? Will her fingers look really long? Will she be chunky?

Jaely wants to name the baby "baby." She knows where her sister is and she knows she is going to have to share, but i know she is in for a HUGE surprise. . . and i know we are too!

I have a lot to do at work yet to get ready for my leave. Paperwork, sub plans, letter to the board and superintendent, notes about how my classroom works. . .

I have a lot to do at home. Clean the binkies, breast pump, and bottles. We need a new monitor and diaper pail.

TJ has been unbelievably helpful. I don't know what i would do without such a loving husband you takes initiative and does things he knows needs doing.

Kind of a Crappy Week

2010-09-03T08:26:00.005-04:00

It was a busy week back to school. It started with me having the stomach flu. . . throwing up while almost 7 months pregnant is not fun. And throwing up while trying to be mom to a two year old makes it even worse. But i survived, with the help of my husband. I don't feel ready for the school year, but it will be okay. My group this year seems like a good one. . . we will see. Ask me in a month and i can give you an honest opinion! Sometime this weekend i need to go into school to plan for the week.

TJ's grandma is not doing well this week either. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i carry with me everywhere. I want her to be comfortable and i think of gail, Scott and Deb often. I pray and wonder and pray some more. I love that woman.

We went to Grand Rapids today. At our first stop, Jaely fell and chipped her tooth big time. She split her lip and blood gushed from her mouth. Her lip is very swollen and she won't let either of us get close enough to look closely. We called her doctor and he did put us at ease. Basically, we have to watch and give it some time. A pediatric dentist ($$$$) might be in our near future.

Dreading Night Time

2010-08-28T03:28:00.005-04:00

I used to be such a good sleeper. I could sleep for 12 hours non-stop with no problem. Lately, i have been dreading night time. Right now it is 3:30. I have been up since 2:00. My mind is ready to sleep. . . it is turned off, just waiting to be completely asleep. It is my body that won't let me. I am so sick of sleeping with four pillows (two under my head, one between my knees and one under my belly). I am sick of only having two sleeping positions- on my left side or on my right side. I am sick of turning over in bed and having to fling the covers off of me to get the pillows situated after i turn to my other side. I am sick of it taking so much energy to just flip over in bed.

But what i am REALLY tired of is the itching. I think i have four different rashes/skin conditions going on right now. I go to the doctors Tuesday and i was hoping i could make it till then. Ever since camping, i have heat rash under my arms and in my inner thigh. That is the easiest to find relief for. . . cortizone. On the top of my hands i have the itchiest little bumps. . . that have since moved from the tops of my hands to my wrists to my palms and then to the sides of my fingers. I cannot stand itchy palms. Caladryl (sp?) lotion works for a bit, but an ice pack works the best.

I won't go in to the different itching i have on my stomach, my boobs, or my elbows. The bathroom is filled with lotions that bring some relief for some, but don't touch the others.

A couple nights ago i took a Benedryl. I am allowed to during pregnancy, but i try to limit medication i put in my body. That night, i slept so well. I didn't wake up during the night with such intense itchiness. I wasn't conscious of rolling over repeatedly and having to adjust my pillows. The ice packs stayed in the freezer and the couch didn't get my usual middle of the night visit. It was wonderful. But i also didn't hear TJ get up or Jaelynne. I was OUT! I should have taken another one last night. . . it is too late now. I would ruin my whole Saturday by being in a sleepy trance. Although, it looks like i may be anyway. . . going on two hours now.

I should chop all my nails off, then maybe the itching won't be so satisfying as i am doing it but so horrible once i stop.

I don't know when the next night time will be when i sleep soundly. After pregnancy there won't be any relief, but i look forward to a year from now when i don't dread night time, but rather look forward to it.

Bye Summer!

2010-08-23T08:03:00.003-04:00

Sunshine. Waves. Beaches. Sunscreen. Bug Spray. Leland. Leelanau Peninsula. Family. Sailing. Lake Michigan. Duck Lake. Pools. Sun Sets. Camping. Outhouse. Campfires. Fresh Air. Zoos. Polar Bears. Goats. Petting Farm. Penguins. Lions. Late Nights. Ice Cream. Pontoon Boat. Speed Boat. Crystal Lake. Orange Drink. Glucose Tests. Third Trimester. It's A Girl! Family Reunion. Play set. Parks. Slides. Swings. Shopping. Our Camper. Heat Rash. Heart burn. Afternoon Naps. Eating outside. Watering Plants. Food Poisoning. Green Toenails. Rocks. Purple Toenails. "Dampa." Pictures. Sand/water Table. Bubbles. Sprinklers. Buckets. Petosky Stone. Lake Charlevoix. Ball Tent. Trampoline. Sun-streaked Hair. Suntan. Balls. Ummi Zoomi. Walks in parks. Walks on the beach. Walks in the breeze. Wheelbarrow. Reading. Scrapbooking. Parade. Firetrucks. Pekidills. Picnics. Summer Rain. Sidewalk Chalk. Tank Tops. Air Conditioning. Stars. Swollen Ankles. Chrysalis. Spider Webs. Sunglasses. Airplanes. Jet. Sand Dunes. Frogs. Yellow Floaty. Smiles. Giggles. Excitement. Pure Joy. Friends. Car Naps. Driving. Miles. Black Flies. Horse Flies. Variety Pack Cereal. Nap Diapers. Potty Sticker. Skipping. Sandy Raisins. Wheels on the Bus. The Mixed-Up Chameleon. Hush. Petting Annie. Molars. Missed Naps. Birthday Gathering. Yummy Food. Missing Family. Sandals. Bathing Suits. Petunias. Baccopa. Potato Vines. Cherry Icee Drink. Apple Juice. Sleeping past 5:15. Michigan Rocking Chair. Pond. Talking to Frogs. Izzy. Ricky. Wagon Rides. Play Kitchen. Grilled Veggies.

Family Picnic

2010-08-21T21:40:00.001-04:00

I don't get to see my mom's side of the family very often, so when i got an invitation to a family BBQ, i planned on going. It was great to see aunts, uncles and cousins. I haven't seen them in awhile. . . there were people i hadn't seen in over 10 years. The weather didn't start out the best, but the sun came up towards the end. We had to leave a little early because Jaely needed to get some sleep. As it was, she still didn't get to sleep before 9:30- two hours after her bed time. I am so glad we went though. Oh, and did i mention the cheesy potatoes, pasta a la caprese, texas sheet cake, ribs. . . .yum!
Jaelynne putting her beloved stick in Jered's pocket
Evelyn. . . my cousin's daughter who is about 6 months younger than Jaely.
Jaely stuck her beloved stick in the cone
Evelyn showing jaely her camera and jaely showing evelyn her stick

My mom's sisters and brother

They are hilarious!

Victor & Johnny

The girl cousins

The girl cousins and kids

Jaely loves being an airplane!

The whole group!

27 Weeks!

2010-08-08T20:23:00.001-04:00

Pasta A La Caprese

2010-08-06T20:49:00.003-04:00

I made this last week. I followed my mom's recipe that my brother framed for me after she passed away. So special. The recipe. The memories. The thought. My mom used to have me remove the seeds of the tomatoes under cold water. She said it hurt her hands too much. Now that i am 32, i understand what she meant. Although i wouldn't go so far as to say my hands hurt, they definitely weren't comfortable.
One of my favorite things about this dish is the leftovers. They might even be better than when you first make it. I also like that following the recipe doesn't give you my mom's pasta a la caprese. You had to make it with her to know that she used dry basil and jarred sweet peppers, instead of fresh. I used a little fresh basil this time and a little dried. I remember her trying to figure out how to keep the mozzarella from clumping together.
I would have loved to have her sitting across the table from me, TJ, and jaely and eat with us. I would have loved to chop the tomatoes for her while she minced the garlic. I would have loved for her to watch her granddaughter put her finger in the hole of the mostaccholli before eating it and giggling at this discovery.
The leftovers are gone. . . i think i need to make more.

24 Weeks

2010-07-16T16:59:00.003-04:00

I love being pregnant. I love the kicking, the wonderment, the miracle of it all. This pregnancy has been quite different. In fact, if it were still during the time when they could not tell the sex of the baby, i would think it was a boy because of all these differences. I am so so tired. I know that this pregnancy is different because i am running after Jaely, but i am still so tired. I still cannot stand the thought of food in the evening. I make myself eat dinner because i know i should eat, but i rarely enjoy it and never feel good after it. There are still certain things that are not allowed to be made in my presence. TJ plans on making them the moment he hears i won't be home for dinner- pizza, spaghetti, tacos, lasagna. I also have consumed more Tums than i did when i was pregnant with jaely. One normally does the trick, but it is one after almost any time i eat, including a snack. I feel better in the morning, than in the evening. My skin is also different with the pregnancy. When pregnant with Jaelynne, what acne i had immediately cleared up and stayed clear. Not the case with this one. I have at least one major zit on me at all times. Yuck.

I am feeling really good. Time seems to be going so quickly. Not being able to decide on a name is driving me crazy. We have our favorites, but our favorites change daily from a list of four. Thankfully, TJ and i agree on the list of four. I am almost to the point of telling other people so they can help us decide, but then again, that could certainly add to the indecisiveness if everyone likes a different one.

My ankles haven't been swelling up like they did at the end of school. The heat, and packing up my room and standing a lot did not do well for my ankles. Lazy summers in air conditioning and drinking lots of water have helped immensely.

Jaely gives her sister lots of kisses and every name we use, she points to the baby. I would like to start getting the nursery more ready for Ollietta, but nap times are kind of crazy for jaely. I would like to move Jaely's clothes into her dresser in her room and get the 0-3 month clothes from downstairs. The only problem- jaely empties her dresser during naps and tries to dress herself and all of her friends 9stuffed animals) in various clothing. Moving more of her clothes in there would make things worse. Right now, there are only a few pairs of pants, a couple shirts and pjs.

I need to feel ready before school starts because once school starts, i am going to be way more tired and busy. And i thought i didn't have any energy now. . .

A Family of Four

2010-07-06T08:54:00.002-04:00

Ollietta is due in exactly four months!! We are so so excited and filled with anticipation. We are excited to see what she is going to look like. Will she be born with thick hair? Will she have big feet and long fingers?

I am so excited to see Jaely be a big sister. The other day while working the nursery at church, a baby came in. I put him down in his car seat. Jaely came right over and put the binky in his mouth and said "rocka, rocka" as she rocked him gently in his car seat. It was absolutely adorable to watch her be such a nurturer. I know that won't always be the case, but i think it will be like that many times. When i think of how many times i sat down to nurse jaely and didn't have the boppy or needed a diaper or a burp rag. . . now jaely will be able to fetch those things, and probably be really excited to do it. She is such a helper when she wants to be. Hopefully the jealousy thing won't last too long.

All the Chapple girl cousins didn't have sisters and our mothers were so close. I am so glad Jaelynne will have a sister. I don't know how we will handle two kids, but people do it all the time, so i know we will be okay.

As i write this, i can feel Ollietta move around. It is the best feeling ever! Four more months. . .

Race in May

2010-07-01T19:44:00.004-04:00

I know it was back in May, but i just had to share some of these pictures that i recently got through e-mail. It was a frigid day in May. . .we had to find our winter jackets again. My brother was running in the river run in GR and my dad, my aunt & uncle and the Ellis family went to support him. I admire my big brother so much for his determination and hard work. I could NEVER do what he did. Jaely wasn't quite herself all day. . . i think it was the cold, the crowds, and the unfamiliar place, but by the end she warmed up a bit to family.

This picture cracks me up. . . what an expression on each of their faces.

The Runner

Father and Son

we went out to eat afterward, and Jaely was definitely her entertaining self.

Fulfilling a Teaching Requirement

2010-06-19T14:33:00.003-04:00

I am leaving tomorrow night for Lansing. . . I will be gone for a week. In order to get my teaching certificate renewed i need to take classes. I just have three credits left to get before next June and after next week, i will have satisfied that requirement. I wanted to get it done before having our second child. . . i am imagining a pretty crazy life at that point. I am going to miss home, miss TJ, and miss Jaely so incredibly much. I am staying at a hotel with a friend, so that should help keep my mind off of things for a bit, but not enough.

I am going to miss TJ's kisses and Jaely's giggles. Hopefully Jae will talk to me on the phone. . . sometimes she is just not in the mood for such silliness.

Vivid Dreams

2010-06-17T19:39:00.003-04:00

I had forgotten what amazing dreams i have when i am pregnant. They are so vivid- so real. One time i woke up and thought "i could make that into a movie" because it was so suspenseful. Not scary, just exciting.

Last night, i dreamed i was gardening with my mom. It was absolutely am amazing. I could swear i smelled the dirt i was digging in and the smoke from her cigarette. At first, it was just George and i awaiting my mom's return home. Sometimes she comes back in my dreams, but most of the time she doesn't. Most of the time she is away on vacation or she has moved or she is lost. . . but last night she did return.

We were planting perinnials by the stumps in the big garden. The hens & chicks were there and the bee balm. We were adding blue chips and coneflowers. What i loved about my dream is that my mom wasn't just the good qualities that i remember (i often ignore the things that drove me nuts about her) it was Lynne- the complete package. She was awesome and laughed a lot, but she also kept nagging me to plant the flowers closer together. I got just a little snotty back at her. I remember thinking that she had hardly done any planting between standing up and directing me and smoking her cigarette. It was such a typical time. . . i miss those times.

I wasn't pregnant in my dreams. . . i wish i was. I want to have a conversation with my mom about it at least once (even if it is just in my dreams). And since she was such herself, it would have been an exciting conversation full of pink items, smiles, questions and of course nagging to visit her more. :)

I have 5 more months of vivid dreams and i hope i see my mom again real soon.

My Husband

2010-06-13T19:42:00.002-04:00

I am so incredibly exhausted, but i just had to come on and write some thoughts. I had an amazing birthday today. TJ thought of the whole menu, sent invites to family, cooked, made my favorite cake, set out the dishes, and even cleaned up. He is amazing. And because he did all of those things, i was able to enjoy family time and watch Jaely enjoy family time.

He amazes me. Thank you, TJ for making such a special day for me and for working so hard to make it a tasty and fun day. I love you.

School is out. . . really?

2010-06-11T20:52:00.004-04:00

I am waiting for it to sink in. The end of the year sneaked up on me. I don't know why. Maybe because the weather stayed cool for the most part. Or maybe because i was rushing around until the very end folding report cards, writing notes to each student in their third grade memory book, writing a note in their summer reading book, meeting next year's class, and refolding report cards. Maybe it sneaked up on me because this year just flew by. . . it seems to go a lot faster when you have a two year old at home.

I am just so relieved, ready to relax and spend time with Jaely. I must admit, i am a little nervous spending so much time with her. . . it has been awhile. Will i keep her busy enough? Will i be too easy? Will i break with every pout and whimper? Will i lose my patience?

And then i think of the zoo, the beach, the parks, camping, condo, visiting family, farmers markets, libraries, art fairs and i realize it will be a good summer as a family!

Amazing. . .

2010-06-05T15:35:00.003-04:00

I just read that Baby Ellis will be born with 300 bones in its body. As he/she grows some bones will fuse together to produce a total of 206 bones by adulthood.

Unbelievable. Amazing. Our bodies are crazy and God is creative!

I Felt the Baby Move!

2010-05-31T12:44:00.002-04:00

I felt the baby move for the first time last night. There is nothing like it. I just stayed still on the couch and waited and thought. It is amazing how much we love this baby already. It is an awesome love. . .one that is not based on choices or decisions that this child will make. It is not based on personality or preferences. We love him/her just because she/he is a gift from God. Nothing can make us love it more or less. What an amazing love. Now i understand how my parents loved me, regardless of mistakes i made, choices i made, goals i've accomplished, and my faults.

Gardening

2010-05-27T20:38:00.003-04:00

I know i have said it before, but i just love gardening. I love all the memories that come with it and the enjoyment that comes with it. It is overwhelming at times, like today when i went and looked at the gardens and saw more weeds everywhere. But for the most part it is so enjoyable.

My clematis vine has at least a dozen blooms on it at a time. It looks fabulous!

Birkenstocks, Greenhouses, and Pregnancy

2010-05-22T15:15:00.002-04:00

Lately my mom has just flooded my thoughts, and although that is not a bad thing by any means, it is an emotional and fragile thing.

Friday is casual day and i had on my jeans and my blue Montague Wildcat shirt. After i got dressed and was deciding what shoes to wear, it occured to me that i could wear my blue birkenstocks. I was not always the owner of these shoes. These shoes had formed to another person's foot, but they were still comfortable to me. These blue birkenstocks belonged to my mom. She LOVED them. When she passed away it was one of the many things i gathered. We had the same shoe size and she had good taste in shoes. I would put them on with a smile on my face as i remembered her and i always made sure my toe nails were polished. On Friday when i went to put them on, they didn't fit. My feet have grown a full size since i was pregnant with Jaelynne. I was so incredibly bummed. For a couple days they sat by the bench at the foot of our bed. I wasn't sure what to do with them. Right now, they sit in the trash in our bedroom. Sad.

We visited one of our favorite greenhouses in Allendale this morning. I am never prepared for this experience. I always get tears in my eyes as i remember going many times a season with my mom. I would help her pick out flowers, go fetch the alysum or the lobelia or the pink impatience, and help her load everything into the car. When we got home, we had a big planting celebration. Perinnials were the most exciting to buy. These were big decisions that required my opinion because they would be around for a long time. Today, i still find myself looking for the same flowers and wanting the same ones my mom had. TJ is always drawn to other ones as well, and i am just never sure of them. Thankfully, my mom had a pretty broad range of flowers. I missed her so much as i went up and down those aisles looking for a good combination to plant in a huge ceramic blue pot. She would love our gardens and the ability to exchange plants.

And then there is the 16 weeks pregnant thing. What pregnant girl doesn't want her mom around? What girl doesn't want her children to know her mom. I look at jaely often and think how much my mom would have loved her and i can just picture how excited my mom would be at being a grandma again.

Gardening

2010-05-09T18:30:00.004-04:00

Today, for Mother's Day, i spent close to four hours in the garden soaking up the sunshine while i weeded. It was the most perfect day. It started with Jaelynne in the morning. We made a quick trip to target and then spent the rest of the morning outside playing. I came in and gave her lunch. Then played with her inside until her nap. As soon as TJ got home, i raced outside to begin weeding. It was perfect. No bugs, not too hot, and very sunny! I worked as my ipod jammed my favorite tunes. After working out in the yard, i am so incredibly sore. TJ made grilled steak and grilled veggies for dinner. . . my favorite.

I should correct essays, but i just can't. I need to go to bed soon!
The bleeding hearts are getting HUGE! This picture is a little past its prime. the blooms are faded, but it still shows how large they are getting.
I weeded the lilies today. I like how little maintenance they take, their foliage, and how they cover the area.The top layer of the garden needs help. . . after all the rain last spring, there is a sink hole near the edge of it. My hens & chicks are growing in the hole fairly well, though.

My clematis is growing like crazy. This is only its second year. . . i am so excited to see all the blooms open.
The bottom garden got hit hard with the flood last spring. Many of my flowers didn't make it, but for the first time in two years, i weeded it. I found some survivors, but mourned the lost.
I think TJ put the kids' play set in the most perfect spot

Thank you Jaely and TJ for my Mother's day present. I already enjoyed swinging in it and look forward to many more moments with it.

John DeBoer

2010-04-25T17:26:00.001-04:00

Before even pulling into GVSU this morning i was emotional, having to wipe tears from my eyes much sooner than i had anticipated. John DeBoer was speaking his final sermon to over 800 people today- alumni, current students, family, staff, and professors. While making the drive to GVSU, i thought about how much of an impact John has had in my life. Going to Grand Valley was my second choice. I wanted to go to Hope, but my mom said it was far too expensive. I wanted the comfort of going to a Christian College, but God had other (much better) plans for me. At Grand Valley, i had to make a conscious choice to follow God. As a freshman, away at school trying to figure out who i wanted to be, i started attending Campus Ministry events and church. John remembered my name after the first time we met. His sense of humor is awesome, his teaching from the Bible amazing, and his care for students unbelievable. I remembered while pulling onto campus that John had traveled across the state on Valentine's day to attend my mom's funeral and offer support. . . that was long after i graduated from GVSU. An act like that means so much. Nine years ago, John married us. His John-isms like "100%/100%" and "it's a non-issue" are still heard in our house. His marriage to Sherry is incredible. He always said that couples need to be two independent trees that grow with each other, support and shade each other. I loved that Sherry did her own things, went on her own trips, but supports John 100%. A Friday a month, they would open their home to sometimes 100 college students for a mini retreat. They would grill food and feed us. We would sing songs and do a Bible study with John. Friendships were made, God was praised, and we learned more about having a relationship with God. John has an amazing way of making the Bible make sense and applicable to my life. I have never felt closer to God than i did at college. With his titanium hips and Captain Kangaroo looking face, he loved, taught, and listened to his students at GVSU. He has such a deep understanding of grace and mercy, and such an incredible way of sharing his knowledge and understanding. He was the first one to have me think of things differently. . . to sort them out for myself. Topics like abortion and capital punishment were pondered and i was able to draw the conclusion that we are not the ones to judge. God teaches us to love, not to judge or hate. He doesn't need us to judge. . . He can handle that on his own. John is the eternal optimist, the cheapest first generation Hollander i know, the guy that always wears blue dress slacks & a short sleeve button down shirts with his tennis shoes that he covered the white with permanent marker . His favorite verse, "His mercies are new every morning" has been etched in my mind, especially during rough days.
He lives in Muskegon, so we are able to get together with him now and again. As i saw over 800 people gather to celebrate John today, i was overwhelmed with how many lives John has touched. He started ministry work in 1962 and hasn't done anything but that. He has made an impact on the world as i think about how far people have settled from Grand Rapids and all the kids and babies that were there. He has affected generations. . . even Jaely will be affected by John through her parents.

Thanks, John. I don't think you will ever be fully aware of how you impacted me, TJ, and our marriage.

A little over 10 weeks

2010-04-13T20:17:00.003-04:00

ya, not attractive. I kind of look like a large man with breasts, but oh well.

Today, i didn't do up my pants all the way and just depended on a belt to hold my pants up and my long shirt to cover the undone button. I can't believe how fast a baby bump is appearing this time around. I refuse to wear maternity clothes this early. . . i just can't imagine wearing it until November. It is best to put it off for as long as possible. I am glad that i have the scale to let me know that it isn't just me getting fatter, but that it is indeed a baby bump. All of my maternity clothes are for winter. . . guess i should go shopping soon.

The Best Not Feeling Well Ever

2010-04-10T20:26:00.003-04:00

I feel like crap. My stomach is never really happy. . . whether it has food or not. This morning i actually felt like i was going to pass out and i had to sit down. I decided after awhile that i probably needed to eat. I remember waking up between 1 and 2 in the morning and my stomach was hungry. I should have gotten something to eat right then and there, but i didn't. When i get really hungry, i get nauseated and then NOTHING sounds good. That is what happened this morning. I tried to eat some crackers and yogurt, but i don't think that was enough. I have yet to throw up, but i am in almost a constant state of nausea.

The good thing is. . . it is because i have a baby growing in me! It is so worth it. . . i just have to remind myself that this will pass and it is for a very very very very very good cause.

My week of being able to take daily naps and relax when i want to is coming to an end, but i think soon i will get my energy back anyway. I am 10 weeks now and it seems to me that with Jaely i woke up one morning with my energy back right around 12 weeks. . . so i keep waiting for that feeling.

Soon, i am going to bed. It is one way to feel better (i can't feel like crap when i am sleeping) and i am bringing crackers to bed with me- just in case i wake up hungry again. I want to avoid a day like today. It was not good.

Baby Bump

2010-04-09T19:11:00.002-04:00

I really shouldn't be showing yet. It seems a little early to me. My pants were all getting tight and i blamed it on gaining weight and getting fatter, but when i jumped on the scale this morning and it told me i lost 5 pounds, i knew that it was indeed a baby bump that is making my pants tighter! Whoo hoo! I love being pregnant. It is the coolest thing!

I guess when ice cream and cookies don't sound good and nothing sounds good after dinner, i lose weight. I have not eaten anything past 6:30 in about a month. . . my stomach just can't handle it. Well, i guess i have had some tums after 6:30.

Wow- a Heartbeat!

2010-03-18T19:30:00.003-04:00

I still can't stop thinking about it. . . how this tiny 6 millimeter life in me has a heart that beats. At first we saw the baby and the heart flash on the screen, and then seconds later the doctor turned the speakers on and there it was . . .a heartbeat- oddly strong for its tiny state. With each steady beat it was saying "I'm here. I'm strong. . . I'm here. I'm strong. . I'm here. I'm strong." It was the sweetest sound to my ears and i am so thankful TJ was there to hear it too. I smiled when i saw the fuzzy picture of the little being, and i teared up when i heard its tiny heart beat so strongly. Not even five weeks ago did this exist. . . and now it has a heart beat!

With Jaely, i was considered a normal pregnancy after the heartbeat was heard and was shipped off to my OB doctor as soon as we heard the heart beat. Not this time. They want to keep me for awhile and for that i am glad. I have quite a large cyst that seems to be growing just a little instead of shrinking and it is causing me some pain, but not all the time. My other cysts on my other side is shrinking. The doctor also said that because of the "circumstances around my pregnancy" (having a regular period) he would like to continue seeing me. He calls it "circumstances," i call it a miracle. At first my bleeding was referred to as implantation bleeding, which happens to some, but mine was not that. I know it wasn't. The second time it was referred to as a period. His cautiousness makes me cautious. . . but i am still very excited.

Sometimes i think the word 'miracle' has lost some of its power or has been taken for granted. Growing a human being is truly a miracle. Reading about all the science behind it proves to me what a miracle it is. Cells dividing and already being designated as a lung cell or a mouth cell at such an early time is a miracle. I am so blessed that i get to be apart of this miracle.

I am PREGNANT!

2010-03-12T20:24:00.002-05:00

So, i am pregnant. It still feels so weird writing that. I am six weeks along, but have only known for a week. It is actually harder for me to grasp than it was with jaely because with jaely i was expecting a yes or a no, but with this one, i already had my answer. And it was no. I had a period. The doctor called it implantation bleeding, but i am still calling it a period. It, without going into much gross detail, was a heavy flowing, yucky five days of a period

Either way, God's timing is amazing. And because of the circumstances, His greatness is seen even more. Looking back His fingerprints are all over my decisions and the events that took place. I cancelled an HSG test because i was tired and didn't want to be away from my students for three out of five days. The nurse later told me it was good i didn't get that test done- wouldn't have been good for the pregnancy. I had some friends over two weeks ago for scrap booking. We had mexican food and i was so bummed when i discovered that the Margarita mix had expired. So, i settled on a mountain dew. I did take some cold medicine, but there is nothing i can do about that now. We made this baby on the very date that my mom passed away. One life ends and another begins. Our due date is/was my granna's birthday.

It was a little odd to find out when TJ was out of town. I am glad gail was here so i could celebrate with someone close. TJ was with no one he knew.

I am ecstatic (and exhausted) about this .23 cm little baby growing in me. I cannot wait to hear the heartbeat and know that it is indeed a healthy pregnancy. I will hopefully hear it Wednesday.

What a wonderful gift that i am able to experience. Now, i must go to bed. . . i am growing a human after all!

Another Major Roadblock

2010-02-23T11:10:00.002-05:00

I literally clapped when the nurse told me i had just a few cysts and could start my next round of shots right away. This is the first time that i was not instructed to take a whole month off and let my body "rest". I could get going right away!

I called TJ on my way home from GR. I had the three papers in my hand of dates, and appointments, of plans, and instructions. I rattled them off at him. . .and then he said it. He reminded me. He is going to Huston for four days. For four days that just happen to be when i probably need him close to me. . . very close to me, if you get what i mean. But we are never sure of the dates until we get to it. You can't really plan, but it just seems like it is very likely.

Argh. I cried and hung up the phone. What now? I already started my shots last night. The nurse instructed me to go ahead and then if i did have cysts, i would stop. I don't know what to do. . .

Things just aren't working out right now.

Life Comes to a Standstill

2010-02-20T21:18:00.003-05:00

Every time i find out that we are not pregnant after a month of shots, moodiness, doctor appointments and subplans, my day kind of stops. I can have the greatest intentions of getting a lot of things done, be in the best of moods and then all of a sudden just want to crawl into bed and cry. My motivation gets sucked out of me. My smile and laughter fades. I have a hard time finding a dry spot on my pillow to rest my head. I know it isn't the end of the world. I know people are suffering far more than we are. I know we are blessed to already have Jaelynne. But it still sucks. It is such a tiring process and it starts all over again so quickly. I probably need to go to the doctor Monday to see if i have cysts or if we can start all over. Maybe after three rounds they need to further investigate things. Who knows?

Right now, all i know is that i feel like crap. My hopefulness quickly changed to hopelessness. I am crampy and crabby. I am uncharacteristically negative, and i don't know how to handle it. It is an unfamiliar quality that my heart doesn't know what to do with.

I don't want to go to church tomorrow and take care of other people's babies. I want to stay in bed for as long as possible (probably until 9:30, for me) and then mope around and play with Jaely.

I know i will snap out of it, it is just the waiting until then that gets old. My appointment will probably do it. I will have a plan then. Guess i need to make sub plans, but i am not sure for what day or for half a day or all day.

Little Mern

2010-02-13T16:37:00.002-05:00

I used to love visiting my mom's classroom. I would help her every year in the late summer preparing her classroom for teenagers. i started going when i was real young and i was only good for cleaning desks. By the end i was climbing on chairs to hang posters and alphabetizing and organizing a number of things. I would go in to her school a few times during the school year too. When i was young, i was kind of shy, but towards the end i was quite the show-off and remember putting great thought into what i was going to wear. Her students called me "Little Mern." My mom's nickname was Mern. Almost every student called her that instead of Ms. Michael or Mrs. Dungan. I liked when students called me that because i so wanted to be like my mom.

On Thursday, TJ brought Jaelynne to my classroom to our Valentine's party. I don't think he realizes how much that meant to me. You know what my students said when they saw jaely? "Oh look! It is a little Mrs. Ellis!" "It is a mini you, Mrs. Ellis." They had know idea what it felt like to hear those words. They were excited to finally meet this little girl that they hear so much about. She walked around their tables and pointed to the kids. She even attempted to hand out valentines like the kids did. And. of course, she wore her pink tutu with her heart shirt.

My Mom Dreams

2010-01-28T22:42:00.003-05:00

Last night i dreamed that i was dancing with my mom. It wasn't that unusual for my mom to take me and dance with me in the kitchen. . . even when i was older. I remember coming home from college or visiting home with TJ after we were married, and my mom would still hug me and then not let me go as she danced me around the kitchen. Often times i picture her doing that in her blue terry cloth robe with a cigarette in her hand. The kitchen usually smelled of something cooking or baking. She always had quite a spread when i (later we) came to visit.

Dreams are the closest i can get to my mom. If i close my eyes, i can still kind of hear her laugh, but when i dream of her it is crystal clear. I dream of the details of her fingers and nails, her clothing, and her voice. She is always happy to see me and i am, of course, ecstatic to see her. Years ago, when i dreamed of her, i was a little angry that she left me. . .i am always angry with George in my dreams. I tattle on him to my mom when we get a chance alone. Yikes.

I hope tonight we meet again in my dreams. I miss her so very much. Being a mama to Jaelynne, makes the pain worse, at times. My mom would have loved being a grandma. I have yet to dream of Jaelynne and my mom seeing each other. It is always me coming home or my mom and i meeting somewhere. Maybe i don't dream of her at our house because she never saw it.

Good night. Sweet dreams.

Focused

2010-01-27T20:54:00.002-05:00

I had the first of a new kind of shot for round three tonight. With that shot, not only did liquid rush into my body, but so did emotions of hope and strength. I can do this for another round. . . it could work this time. The baby would be born sometime in November. See, how my mind travels. . . from being a little hopeful to almost seeing it as reality. Scary what optimism can do.

I have things to focus on. I am trying really hard to lose weight before i get pregnant. . . that may be next month or it may be months from now. Either way, i am going to work my butt off until then. Okay, now i feel a little guilty as i write that. I ate little debbie snacks and went over in weight watcher points, and i am not exercising tonight. I suppose i could still change the last one, but i don't think so. . .

Tomorrow is a new day!

"Hope is the Thing with Feathers. . . "

2009-12-28T09:34:00.003-05:00

-Emily Dickinson
It is hard for me to remain unbiased. I sure feel pregnant, but the feelings have more to do with all my shots than with the actual hormones that being pregnant releases. I even look pregnant. . . my ovaries are over stimulated by all the shots and grew huge follicles that are pushing my tummy way out. The pressure and bloattiness is even giving me heart burn. I actually feel like i am waddling and none of my clothes are fitting and i am uncomfortable. Bending down has become an obstacle. But again, i have to remind myself that that is the result of a month of shots. If i am pregnant, i won't feel it for quite some time. I won't know for awhile either.

Of course i am hopeful. . . over hopeful? Perhaps. Since this was the second round and Jaely was created on the second round, i am hopeful. Since i had four follicles that were ready to drop an egg and i had three waiting in the shadows that were so close to being mature that the nurse wanted to give me my trigger shot right there in the office, i am hopeful. Scared to death of multiples (and a wee bit excited), but hopeful.

If my optimism guides me down a path that turns out to be incorrect, i will be devastated. . . just be warned. I want this time to work. I want to have a baby before Jaelynne gets too old. . . before i get too old. I don't want to face all the shots and appointments again- for awhile anyways. We are ready (ready as can be, anyways). Honestly, it does scare us to add a human to the mix of our chaos, financial situation, and exhaustion, but at the same time, it just seems right.

I won't know for awhile, which means you won't know for even longer. But, please pray. . . if you are the praying type. And if my optimism is leading me incorrectly, pray for my response and reaction. I will need it.

Our Home

2009-12-09T19:22:00.006-05:00

There is just something about it. I know it isn't the largest square feet, or filled with the nicest granite, or has space for a buffet in the dining room, but there is just something about our home that i just love. I love how warm it feels, especially during this season. I love how filled with love it is. . . how full of laughter and giggling it can be and then how silent and peaceful it can be. I love the hand smudges on the beveled glass of the front door, the old wooden rocker sitting by the tree, our dinning room table, the height marks on the white wall from Jaely when she was one year and a year and a half, the beautiful appliances that make our lives easier, the tile in the laundry room that has tiny pink boots drying on them, the pictures hanging on the walls that are proof that my memories are true, the lighted swoops on our wonderful front porch, our peaceful & uncluttered bedroom with our soft, cozy bed, and the ever changing rooms in our house that transform themselves based on our needs (white room with my old furniture from childhood, red office, red guest room, nursery equipped with newborn things, and Jaely's big girl room).

I love our home. I enjoy being in it. I am able to relax in it. I love pulling into the driveway and kissing my husband and hearing my daughter squeal with delight. I love watching TJ cook in the kitchen, jaely eat bubbles in the bathtub, Abby sleep on the back of our overstuffed chair, the Christmas tree aglow, and the village seemingly bustling with activity.

I am so thankful for the love and the warmth that fills our home.
Jaelynne's first Christmas ornament from my dad.
I love hanging these two red sleds together. . . check out the dates on them.
Jaelynne's first moose ornament from last year.
Our first Christmas together. . . this is our engagement picture

This year's solution for a lack of fireplace. . . someday we will have one in our basement. My village that brings me so much joy and peace. . . it just makes me feel cozy.

A Santa i can remember for as long as i can remember Christmases. My mom made it. I admit it is a little frightening and a little yellowed (he was a smoker at one point in his life), but i love him just the same.

My Swedish Angel that belonged to my grannaJaelynne's Room- a little sparse, but we are getting there.

When Jaelynne found this owl up above her door, she giggled and pointed and talked to him.
Her tree that i slapped up way too fast. . .
I found this at Hobby Lobby. . . i am in great need of tacks. . . i know i have some somewhere.
Every night when i pick jaely up off of her changing table, she points to the letters of her name on the wall. The first time it wasn't there she was so confused. They now hang above her bed (you can hardly see them in this picture).

Nothing Beats It

2009-11-16T19:21:00.002-05:00

When i got home from school today, i was greeted by my beautiful daughter. She came out of the house and onto the porch with her new green purse swung over her shoulder as it overflowed with Fisher Price little people. She had her smile. . . the one that her cheeks push up in her eyes, turning them into crescent moons. She opened and closed her palm up in the air and said "i, i, i " (hi, hi, hi). I love all the little squeals that escape her lips. Once inside, i got settled into my jammy pants and grabbed my string cheese to nibble on while i played with Jaely.

Jaely climbed up onto the overstuffed chair and patted for me to sit next to her. She smiled her sweet smile. I sat down, knowing full well what she wanted. Our cheese sharing has become quite the daily event. I sat down, squeezing between her and the arm of the chair. She immediately signed "please" meaning "can i please have a piece of the scrumptious string cheese?". She giggled as i tore the first piece and handed it to her. Before she was done chewing it, she signed "please" again. This continued until the whole string cheese was gone.

What a perfect moment. . . sharing my cheese with my daughter as we cuddled in the chair. It really doesn't get much better than that.

Unexpected Disappointment

2009-10-28T19:27:00.002-04:00

I took a pregnancy test twice this week. On my "month of rest" the doctor said that it is entirely possible for me to get pregnant. With all the drugs left in my system my ovaries might decide, after all, to ovulate. When i heard this, i fully doubted my ovaries would do their thing, but as it closer, i got excited. Maybe i could get pregnant.

The test was negative. . . both times. As i am waiting for the results, i thought that it would be a miracle if i am pregnant. But, i also know God could make miracles happen. I could hear myself telling people that it was a total God thing. . . i never ovulate on my own. I got excited as i washed my face, still waiting for the results. Already figuring out the time that the baby would be born.

But, it was negative.

First more pills to get me to ovulate- that can take awhile. More shots and appointments after appointments. More sub plans and never knowing when i am going to need them. More waiting. I just don't know if i have it in me. Jaely just gets older and so do i.

I know that God's timing is the best. Sometimes it is just difficult to understand and accept.

I guess i just didn't expect to get disappointed. I didn't expect to expect to get pregnant. But as soon as i bought those tests, my heart did a little flutter. I had to see a negative result before the doctors would refill my prescription. I had to get them. No matter how many times i told myself that i am not pregnant, deep (maybe not that deep as an optimist) i thought that there was a chance.

Here we go again.

High Hopes

2009-10-23T19:17:00.002-04:00

I have great expectations for this weekend. . . i should probably adjust them for fear of failure, but there is just so much i need to do and so much i desire to do. I bought a ton of fabric last night when i was with jaely. I hope to make a lot of loopies. My basket at work is almost empty and i keep selling them. I have a boy one sold as soon as i make it and i know someone else will know which color to buy in a week. I also need to make one for an auction for charity. Before i can make all the loopies, i need to cut the fabric. I already washed it, but cutting it is the most time consuming.

I want to clean the house.
I want to sleep. . . a lot.
I want to carve jaelynne's pumpkin with her. I carve while she plays in the gunk.
I want to dress her up in her chicken outfit.
I want to spend time with TJ.
I want to be with Jaely- so i can get so quality time with her and to relieve TJ a bit.
I want to get Jaely feeling good.
I want to help my husband get over his cold
I need to do laundry
I need to wake up with Jaely tomorrow so TJ gets a day to sleep in.
I need to delete pictures off the camera before it gets way out of hand
I need to correct a ton of papers
I need to fill out notes on students for conferences
I need to catch up on my DVR watching.

I even had big plans for tonight. I was going to cut all the fabric. I went downstairs to, only to come up in 10 minutes. I am too tired. When i came up stairs, TJ was snoring on the couch. . . and still is!

It is hard shuffling between jaely's naps and her bedtime. I just can't get it all done.

Eight years ago today

2009-10-12T19:24:00.005-04:00

At this time eight years ago, i was sipping my first chai. My mom was just leaving my apartment. My friends Mary and Sarah were going to spend the night, so that in the morning we could start getting ready for the wedding. Everything was done. . . and it was just time to relax with some friends in my too big of an apartment for one, but soon to be for two. My button down shirt ready to go in the morning. All the stuff already packed in the car. Mary was my designated driver in the morning, as i didn't know how i was getting from place to place. Everything was ready. . . just time to relax and wait.

Wait for TJ to become my husband.
Wait for me to be married.
Wait for all the planning and all the money to be done in just a few hours.

I remember not feeling nervous, but just so excited.

We have grown up so much in the last eight years. I seriously could not imagine sharing my life with anyone else. TJ brings out the best in me. He makes me a better person. He cherishes me, respects me, makes me laugh till i cry, understands me, wants me, takes care of me, rubs my head, knows when i need a hug, leaves me love notes, buys me treats, challenges me to think differently and to be a better person, encourages me, supported me when my mom died -more than he will ever know, tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me, dreams with me, finds me attractive, and cheers me on in life.

I thank God every day for giving me TJ.
I love you, RR.

Blah!

2009-09-28T18:59:00.002-04:00

Apparently, all of my many follicles filled with liquid and turned to cysts. No exercise, no jumping or running, pouncing or prancing for two weeks while we wait for these things to go down. And then, i have to "rest" a month before we start another round of shots. Could be a month, could be two.

Blah.

I am not a big fan of my body. . .nor am i a fan of my big body.

My Simpson's Character. . .

2009-09-27T21:40:00.003-04:00

Arg.

2009-09-26T21:40:00.002-04:00

I guess i had my hopes up more than i thought. . . in the back of my mind i was thinking "oh, maybe i even pregnant with twins". I know, strange. Some people imagine the worst and are perpetually pseeimistic, but it is almost as though i imagine the best and get carried away with it.

So i woke up at gail's this morning, and got a sign that i am indeed not pregnant. I crawled back into bed (jaely sleeping away) and cried at the disappointment. I really wanted to have a June baby so TJ and i would have all summer home with the baby (ies???), but God has other plans. His plans worked out for Jaelynne, so i guess i should trust him with this one too.

When TJ rolled over in bed, i told him. He hugged me and we just lay in the silence in each other's arms. More doctor appointments and mood swings, shots and sub plans, bloating and dizziness, unromantic "timed intercourse" and the waiting.

If round two doesn't work than it is more test for both TJ and i. It should work. . . it will work.

Until then, i guess i will enjoy my caffeine and occasional use of illegal drugs (jk)

Last Month & Today

2009-09-23T21:03:00.005-04:00

As i was driving home form work this afternoon, i was thinking about how different my life is today than it was a year ago. . . than a month ago.

Last month i was changing diapers. Today i am changing my students' seats. (Haven't touched a diaper in awhile.)

Last month i was reading to jaely in my lap. Today i was reading to 27 sets of eyes.

Last month Jaely was a little tired of me. Today, she squealed with delight and waved to me out of the windowwhen i pulled in the driveway .

Last month i was telling jaely that a tantrum won't help her get her way. Today i was telling an EI student that a tantrum won't help get her way.

Last month i saw jaely by 8 every morning. Today i didn't see her until 4:30.

Last month i changed jaely out of her pee soaked jammies. Today, i sent a child to the nurse to get out of his pee soaked shorts.

Last month Jaely sneezed on my bare leg and i laughed as she laughed. Today a student sneezed on my arm. . . and i went to get the purell.

Last month i craved conversation and interaction. Today, my throat is raw and sore from all the talking.

Last month i often found the quiet too quiet. Today the loud was so loud.

Last month i could say i know my daughter inside and out. Today. . . not so much.

Last month i spent 12 hours a day with jaelynne. Today i saw her for 2 and a half.

Last month i was cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and hanging with jaely. Today, i called parents, taught my butt off. planned lessons and corrected papers. (TJ has successfully picked up the slack!)

Last month i was teaching jaely how to put her shirt on. Today i whispered to a student that her shirt was on backwards.

Last month i didn't wear make-up. Today i did.

Last month i didn't make any money. Today i did. :)

Last month i missed seeing my friends at work. Today i ate and laughed with them in the lounge.

Last month i had to tell jaely to be careful when she crawled under the table. Today i had to coax a student from under the table.

Last month, Jaely was my alarm clock. Today i got up at 5:15 to an annoying beeping.

Last month, both TJ and i were enjoying our summer off as teachers. Life is a bit different now. And although we are still trying to figure things out, things are coming together. We were pleasantly surprised by the amount of TJ's pay check. Jaely seems to be liking daycare. She plays outside all the time and loves to be with other kids. I am finally making money. I have been getting most of my work done before school starts. TJ has been doing his at night. He has been taking jaely all kinds of places in the morning. . .the park, farmers market, Target, meijers, and for walks. She has been napping at daycare for an hour and sleeping in for the most part.

I am adjusting. I miss my daughter and feel like i am missing her little changes, but i am relieved to know she is mostly with her papa. I am stressed and tired, but good. Glad i have a job. Thankful for a healthy daughter and husband. It is killing me to miss jaely's 18 month checkup on Monday. I could take a sick day for it, but i am going to need those later.

This is our life. Different, but awesome. Busy, but satisfying. Life is good.

High School Sweetheart

2009-09-19T19:38:00.004-04:00

Montana 1995

Sometimes i am reminded, like when i pull on my worn-out champion sweatshirt that used to be TJ's when he was in high school, that i married my high school sweetheart. It seems hard to believe that our paths crossed at such a young age. At an age when there was still so much growing and learning ahead of us. At a time when we didn't fully know who we were as individuals, let alone a couple.

But God does amazing things.

That young couple, just kids then, really, would someday put their daughter down for bed, buy a house, get teaching jobs, cook steaks with carmelized onions on a saturday night, support each other in the loss of a mom, grandmas and grandpas, laugh till they cried at The Office, and be so in love with each other.

When i am reminded of how young we were, at how little our world was then, it amazes me that such a deep love filled with trust, passion, and communication can come about.

Prom- 1996

God has plans.

We both did a lot of changing, a lot of growing up, and a lot of questioning. . . but somehow we did it at the same rate, or the same way, or maybe we just gave each other room to figure out who the other person was on their own. Going away to college was the best thing we did. . .it made us grow up, figure out who we were and build a relationship on trust and communication. We always had to communicate. . .long nights on the phone, e-mail, and letters (TJ got almost one a day from me for a couple years!)

At any rate, i am blessed. My husband rocks and it is so incredible to have so much history together.

I think i will go eat my steak with caramelized onions now. I don't know what brought this on. . .

Gradutaion- 1996 (i graduated a year before TJ)

Week One

2009-09-10T20:51:00.003-04:00

I know it will improve once i get in my groove. I am confident in that, but it is getting to that point that has me a bit uneasy. I went from knowing every facial expression, every morsel of food, every new and tiny change of jaely's to having to ask "is this new?"

It makes me even more thankful that i took that year off. . . and it makes me even more grateful that although i might not be seeing all the little things that go on her in everyday life, her papa still is. TJ has been amazing at keeping me updated with the little changes and events. He doesn't seem to get annoyed with my questions. He is really putting thought into what to dress jaely in because he knows it is important to me that she looks cute. He really could care less about what she wears. He is an amazing dad.

I went from being with her non-stop all day and into the early evening, to just being with her in the early evening. . . and when i am, i am so tired. And she is a tad grumpy at times! But she does seem to give me energy. I am so glad that the bulk of her day is with her papa, but i am a little bummed that she sees Miss Amber more than her mama. I just keep smiling knowing that she is in good hands, whether she is with her papa or Miss Amber. . . and knowing i get weekends and summers helps.

We feel like jaely is already talking more since being around other kids. She is learning to run. . . yikes! And she enjoys being chased (until she falls into the corner of a door frame, then. . .not so much) She is signing for the word bath by beating her chest (she is supposed to move her hands up and down on her chest, but hey, it is close enough for us). She also signs for the word more. TJ says she now says hello and she is waving goodbye more often. She still turns her head away from me when i pucker up for a kiss and snuggles down on my shoulder right before going down to bed.

I wonder what i will miss by working.
I am gaining a lot from working again, but sometimes the sacrifice doesn't seem worth it. . . other times it seems like the right thing to do.

I will get the hang of it. I am just so glad that i stayed home for a year.

Classroom Chair

2009-09-08T19:21:00.002-04:00

I guess you could say i got inspired. I needed a new chair for my classroom. So i went downstairs and found a pile of chairs. . . took one.

Painted it blue. . . and painted a piece of cheese on it.

I am happy with it.

Bye, Bye Red Room

2009-09-05T21:53:00.004-04:00

By far the most beloved color in our house is the deep red of the guest room. When we first moved in, we painted almost every room a deep shade of color. Starting with our bedroom, a nice tranquil two coat sage green. Our purple master bathroom. Blue second bathroom and lastly our red office (at the time- turned guest room a little before jaely's arrival). It took seven coats to paint that room. We had never heard of tinted primer, obviously.

I can't really describe this red, and pictures don't capture it correctly. It is deeper than brighter and more brickish than fire enginish. We both LOVE it.

It is time to repaint it as jaely's big girl bed is going to be delivered soon. She won't sleep in it for a very long time, but we thought it was a great time to paint it- we have no newborn to worry about at the time, i am not pregnant so i have some energy to help, jaely's bed will be delivered soon, and we want to have plenty of time for her to get used to the room before she has to be used to the room.

The bedding that i found almost a year ago won't even come close to looking good with red walls. Sometime in the future our guest bedroom/office downstairs will be red. . . but until then we will be grieving the lose of the red. I still have the paint chip, so we should be alright for the future.

Bye Red. . . you will be missed.

When you find me, will you let me know?

2009-08-27T19:10:00.003-04:00

I am not myself lately. I know it is my body's reaction to the hormones and such, but that doesn't really help. I am completely self- conscious, ridiculously impatient, close to tears at any given moment, perhaps a little cruel (although, i am trying really hard not to be), overly apologetic, and over analyzing everything.

Not a good time to return to work outside of the home and away from Jaely. Guilt- for not being here enough and for missing her little changes. Questions- does she even like me? Will i be able to do this all?

I am confident that these feelings will disappear as my body regulates. I know that i am not normal, so i am trying not to make big decisions or have any important discussions or do any deep reflecting at this point in time. :)

I probably won't make much sense. . .

2009-08-25T20:07:00.002-04:00

but i will try to. I am struggling with writing. A little tired. Very overwhelmed, yet in a good way. Not a lot of time to collect my thoughts lately. Very grateful to God- for my family's health, for Jaelynne and her laughter, for my sexy scientist turned stay-at-home papa of a husband, for medical insurance as my ovaries are being told (by shots) to get ready to drop some eggs, for my position in third grade, for our cozy warm home filled with pitter patter of feet and smiles and tasty food.

TJ has been amazing. He has stepped up to the one who takes care of the house primarily and plans meals and makes dinners and arranges appointments and makes calls and cleans up and feeds jaely and plays with jaely and grocery shops. He has never been so attractive to me as when i see him playing with our daughter and clipping coupons. That is hot!

I had my appointment in Grand Rapids today. I called at 8:30 and they wanted to see me at 9:30. Last time TJ came to every appointment, but now that we have jaelynne i will be doing it by myself. I tried really hard to listen to directions and explanations. . . i tried not to get lost in the maze of exam rooms and consultation rooms and check out stations. I left feeling quite proud of myself. I didn't fart on the doctor (a fear of mine). I didn't get lost. My ovaries are ready to start the shots. I feel calm and at peace. . . the sense of urgency is significantly less than when we were trying with jaely. I have to remind myself that this round might not work. . . that we might have to do this all over again, but i know it will eventually work. And i am so excited by this certainty. My next appointment is next sunday. I was so so worried that it would be on the first day of school. There really is no give time. . . it is not flexible. . . when my ovaries are ready, they are ready and don't really care what else i have going on. They scheduled it for sunday, and i sighed in relief.

Right now, TJ is grocery shopping. Jaely is sound asleep in her crib (probably with her butt, errr bottom, up in the air and her legs crossed at her ankles. The sky is lighting up with each strike of lightening and the thunder is rumbling. I really just want to read, but i had better work on some school work. And so it begins!

Chaos

2009-08-14T21:11:00.002-04:00

Life seems to be getting more chaotic. . . trying to fit in getting ready for school, spending time with jaelynne and tj, squeezing in doctor and dentist appointments, hanging out with the bug so that tj can get some stuff done, figuring/visiting daycare options, and just keeping up with the normal watering plants-dusting-vacuuming-cleaning kind of stuff. Ahh.

I am enjoying getting things ready for school and organizing my classroom. Starting to get excited about the little faces and bodies that will soon occupy the chairs i have around each table. Starting to get freaked out (especially now that i have a child of my own) about how much responsibility i have to each child- that they see me more during the day than their mom or dad.

I can feel the hormones creeping in as i try to suppress thoughts and words that i know are ridiculous. But, i am so excited about what comes next. . . not the actual shots, but the fact that they will help my ovaries drop an egg is truly exciting. :) I hope the timing works out and i am not out of town when i am supposed to go to the doctors. . . that could get tricky.

I am loving being a mom. It has been so exciting to watch jaely change and grow. It is wild. She makes me laugh everyday. . . and i am not talking about a chuckle. I mean a hearty laugh. I also LOVE watching TJ be a dad. He engages with her in such fantastic ways. . . actively, fun, and so full of love.

I can tell by how i am writing that i need to go to bed. Good night.

Date Day

2009-07-26T22:00:00.002-04:00

On Friday, gail watch jaely for the entire day while tj and i spent the day in GR. Some things, like getting an oil change, were not as enjoyable as others, but it was so great to be able to run some errands that needed to be done.

The morning started early. We got up at 5 and were in the doctor's office by 7. And good news from our doctor. We are going to be able to skip to the treatment that brought us jaely. My body is stubborn. . . instead of being able to get my body to cycle with a single hormone that i take for five days, i need to take a combination of two for thrity days. So, we have to wait a little bit before TJ can start giving me shots. We are excited. We are praying that i don't get OHSS again. The shots will be very gradually increased to help the ovaries not get over stimulated. And we are praying it brings us a baby. :)

It was still early after our appointment, so we headed to panera bread for some goodies. Sipping chai or coffee and eating a cinimon crunch bagel or a breakfast sandwich without having to cut up food for jaely was so relaxing. We just sat, relaxed, sipped, and talked.

We went to a favorite toy store. Got an oil change. Visited the mall. And saw a movie.

It was awesome to sit in a movie theater next to my husband with a bucket of popcorn and a fountain drink. Harry Potter was alright. We enjoyed it. . . the book was immeasurably better, but we still enjoyed ourselves.

Then we topped off the day with a fabulous dinner at The Melting Pot. It was an unbelievalbe experience. It was so nice to take over two hours to eat a three course meal and dessert. We slowly dipped, cooked, ate, and sipped during the meal. It felt like how eating should be.

We returned home 14 hours later. Tired. Relaxed. Thankful and excited.

Jaely had a wonderful day with gramma. . . swimming, walks, playing, shopping, sleeping, and eating.