A break from cleaning

I woke up really late today. The sound of the storm, the peaceful look on my husband's face, and a purring content kitty kept me in bed awake, but relaxed. It was wonderful. I cleaned all day and took a much needed break by going to Ludington to meet dad for chinese. Yum. It was great to hear a few stories, laugh and to catch up while enjoying tasty food.

Yesterday we left gail's at about 9:30. We shopped and shopped and shopped. On of the places we stopped was my hometown mall. . . twelve oaks. Boy has it changed. I was walking around in it and not recognizing it at all. It was kind of hard because it was during a weekday there was an extreme amount of babies. Towards evening there seemed to be many mother daughter pairs shopping. I didn't get a dress or a skirt or anything really. I was so disappointed at the end, but far from disappointed with my husband. His patience is more than i could ever have imagined. He got a beautiful khaki linen jacket.

Spring break started with scrapping with some friends. Then we headed to gail's where tj made his mom a birthday dinner. Yum. I got to see lori for like five minutes. We played shoot the moon, read, and talked. I also visited my granna. She was pretty good, just real weak and she kept trying to give away everything that was in her line of vision. She loves elephants and has quite a collection of them. She was trying to give them to me. I told her that she is still enjoying them and i reassured her that family will get them when she goes. I looked at old pictures and hoped that the granna in the pictures is the granna that i will remember.

I saw some spring bulbs today at meijers. This is another hard time for me. It reminds me so much of my mom. I wonder if the tulips, hyacinths, and daffodils that she planted are still coming up. I hope they are. . . they probably shine in their pathetic surroundings.

Well, i am going to clean more. There is so much to do this week.

It's been awhile

A catch up of happy moments and not-so-happy moments. . .

Every Thursday, there are 8 tiny, clear plastic cups filled with fluoride delivered to my room. Parents pay a small amount to have their child swish fluoride every week, due to well water lacking in that. After they swish it around for i minute, i say "spit" and the students spit into the cup and wipe their mouth with a napkin and then put the napkin into the cup and put the cup into a clear plastic bag held by me. The sound of 8 students spitting is rather disgusting and sometimes (depending on the flavor) the smell is very fetid like. Anyway, i have one student named Emma (one of my favorites. . . i know i am not supposed to have favorites, but occasionally i do) hates to hear or be by the students when it is time to spit the colorful spitty liquid into the see through cups, so she stays as close to me, the bag-holder, as possible. As soon as i say"spit" she quickly and with great gusto spits into the cup, throws the cup into the bag and runs far away from the other spitters, who, for some reason, take their sweet time spitting and throwing the cup away. There is always great talk about the flavor of the fluoride at this point. Last Thursday, Emma was doing her normal standing close to me, ready to project the grape flavored fluoride into the cup at even the hint of the word "spit." I said "spit" and she forcefully spit and got ready to run. . . only she aimed for her empty hand instead of the cup and sprayed grape spitty fluoride all over my shirt, my pants, the carpet, and of course, her hand. We were laughing so hard i almost started to cry. She was absolutely devastated. The look of horror on her face is something i will never forget.

The happy goat that i like to look at was standing atop a narrow stump the other day. I made sure no one was behind me, stopped the car and laughed till i cried. The stump was as tall as the little black pygmy goat. I want one.

I haven't been on in awhile because i have been busy, but also our hard drive completely went kaput. Luckily we have a back up hard drive that TJ occasionally saves all our stuff too, but it takes awhile to reinstall crap and he has also been busy.

I stayed with my good friend/ sister-in-law this weekend in G.R. It was wonderful to spend time with her, but was under very crappy circumstances. My mind has definitely been else where since then.

Next weekend i am visiting my granna, aunt and uncle, and TJ's family. It is gail's birthday on Friday. I cannot wait to see granna. I miss her. I cannot help but think how many more times i am going to be able to visit her and hear her little giggle. The weekend is going to be very strange, happy, uncomfortable, celebratory, and a little tense. How emotional.

Well, i guess this is enough for now. So much more, but i will ease you in.

Texas Sheet Cake

I shouldn't have gone into work today, but i did. I was sitting there reading out loud thinking "i really shouldn't be here. Why did i come?" And then, i remembered why. I didn't have the energy last night to come in and make lesson plans. I made it though. I feel better tonight than i did last night.

Tomorrow night i am going to be out and about and i need to bring in a dessert and salad for Friday's treat day. So, i made a Texas Sheet (Shit, as my oldest brother calls it) Cake. I don't know if you have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to sink your teeth into a Texas Sheet Cake made by my mom or myself, but if you have then you know what i am talking about. I am salivating just typing about it.

I remember making my first one completely by myself at my aunt carol's house. I had to smuggle the recipe out of my mom's house and take it to my aunt's, after we stopped at the store for the ingredients. I was making my first Texas Sheet Cake for my mom's birthday. I had helped my mom make it many times, but i was never the one in charge. It was at this time that i discovered how easy it is to burn cocoa and butter. You really can't leave it on the stove alone for a second . My mom loved the cake because finally she could enjoy one without having to make it or clean up after making it.

I just want to dive into this one that i made tonight, but my frosting looks perfectly glisteny and delicious. I don't dare try a bite because that will lead to more "bites". Yummmmm

I am home. . .

sick. Sunday night i started getting swollen glands and a bad sore throat and chills. Conferences yesterday were terrible because of how i felt. I went to urgent care during lunch to make sure it wasn't strep and bought sherbet at the store on my way back. I am glad that it didn't hurt to talk to all those parents. It just hurts to swallow and turn my head. Today i stayed home and slept till 11. Then slept again from 12-3. My throat still hurts, and if i don't keep the Tylenol in me i get super bad chills. What a year. I had one parent yesterday ask me how my health was because i had missed so much school. I wasn't about to tell her that i am trying to get pregnant and had some complications with it. Oh well. That is what is up with me. I am going to lay back down because i have to go to school tomorrow. I need to rest up while i can.

Magnificent Muffin

After finishing up taxes, we went to Famous Dave's while we were out and about running errands. I got a Corn Bread muffin to go. I am so excited to devour this magnificent muffin. a tiny bit crispy on the outside and delicious on the inside, with just a dollop of butter. . . real butter. I am saving it for a special time. I am not sure when yet, but i am looking forward to it.


Montague is an awesome small community. TJ and i went to a silent auction and spaghetti dinner where 800 people showed up to raise close to 20,000 dollars for a friend's family. I got emotional as i looked around the huge cafeteria at all the people. TJ and i won some good things at the silent auction. Hip, hip hooray!

Parent conferences are tomorrow. . . all day until 8:40. I am going to die. Besides that, it should be a good day.

The little goat made my day

On my drive home, there is a place near my house that just put up a horse fence last summer. The horses are alright, but what i yearn for every day is to see their goat in a separate, littler pen. You see, the little goat makes my day happy. I can only recall one time when i past the goat that i said to myself "this day is so crappy, that the little goat is not even going to be able to make me smile" He did. He continues to. He is not out there every day (which is good because i don't think i could emotionally handle all the goodness. . . i would be constantly wetting myself with joy) As i drove and saw the fence, i thought "oh, i hope he is out today. That would make a perfect day perfecter." And there he was. His black/gray body with his stubby stout legs. It just cracks me up. God sure created some bizarre looking creatures. Maybe he created that very goat just for me. Selfish thought, but i kind of like it.

Merry Chirstmas

On Saturday, i was busy making loopies and TJ was playing on his laptop. All of a sudden we hear someone shout "Merry Christmas" on our porch and knock on the window. We had someone knock on our window last Saturday, too. I guess we should start turning on some outside lights. Anyway, TJ bolted out there to find a fake Christmas tree and two wrapped presents. He immediately grabbed his boots and keys and was planning on going after the group of teens. I, of course, was panicked and didn't know what he was going to do when he got to them. But, that didn't matter because TJ got stuck in our driveway. He was able to follow all the foot prints in the fresh snow to a house. We know where they live.

We were thinking that next Saturday we would leave a thank you note for the presents and maybe some hot cocoa. The presents were wrapped in Christmas paper and the tag read "to your family from David Moore" I didn't want TJ to open them, for fear that they had wrapped up their own poo or something. The tree was picked up by the garbage people and the presents were too.

At first, i couldn't believe that a group of teens would spend their Saturday night putting together a fake Christmas tree, finding Christmas wrapping paper, and wrapping up two boxes complete with a tag. Then i remembered growing up with my brothers, and it seemed very believable all of a sudden. I could totally see my brothers doing that. It wasn't a harmful prank, just goofy. If i was home alone, though, it may have been harmful. My heart was beating so fast as it was, i might have died if i was alone.

Merry Christmas!

A Wonderfully 'Normal' Weekend

So far, i have had such a wonderful, normal weekend. I have not had to sit with my feet up, had intense cramps, had to play catch up, nor vomited. It has been wonderful. On Friday, i was driving home from school, totally exhausted. I had given it my all this week by staying late and staying on my feet all day and all week. March is Reading month, you know. Schools go crazy, and as a classroom teacher, i am expected to go crazy. I like to get the kids all excited about reading, but i kind of do that all year. Anyway, this year's theme is "catch the reading wave.' So, i have been hanging student made fish from our ceiling , hanging streamers in waves, covering wall and doors with paper and kid made decorations. I was so tired by the time i left, i didn't even notice how tired i was until i sat down in my car. I wanted to cry.

Friday night we went to a birthday celebration for the two greatest Ryans ever. We were celebrating a Ryan that was born three years ago on leap year. And an adult Ryan came to the shindig expecting to only be celebrating little Ryan's birthday. Little did he know it was a celebration of his birthday too. His family was there to greet him. It was so refreshing to see everyone and to all be together again with friends. It was insane how many kids under the age of three were there. I think i counted 8, or was it ten. It was kind of hard when every one was coming in and getting settled and seeing all the babies, but it got easier and i was definitely able to enjoy the company. After most people left and the kids went to bed, we sat and chatted for awhile and before i knew it, it was 11:30. Way past my bedtime for a Friday night. Last Friday, i was sleeping by 7, but last Friday night sucked. I should just forget about it.

Today, it was great because TJ and i ran errands like we used to. We cleaned part of the house first, then went to Olive Garden for soup and salad and then went here and there. I made 6 Loopies by Lindsey today. I was completely out. One of my good friend's mom has cancer again. The community in Montague is having a spaghetti dinner and silent auction for her and her family. She is not only my friend's mom, but a bus driver for our district. She has also had to take custody of her three grandchildren and raise them as her own kids. I have had one as a student. Anyway, my grade level is doing a ducky theme baby basket for the auction, so i made a big Loopie by Lindsey and tomorrow i am making a card (with ducks of course). Hopefully the basket will raise some money.

I am tired and i am going to church tomorrow, so i better get to sleep. Good night.

Taking a month off (bump)

Yesterday was a better day. I felt motivated. I got a lot done. I didn't cry. In fact, i decided that i might as well get hopeful about the next round of shots and doctor's appointments, that maybe this was my month to finally get pregnant. I was alright with trying again and rather hopeful about it. I went into school this morning, thinking i would have sub for the afternoon. Prepared for the sub and made a call to the Doctor. They did indeed want to see me that afternoon. TJ almost couldn't get there, but he drove to G.R. and met me.

During my ultrasound, i had yet again hit a "bump in the road" as TJ called it. It seems that my ovaries are infested with lots of cysts, some big and filled with "yucky" stuff, and others just an annoyance, but not what they wanted to see. The cysts are the result of the OHSS and the amount of follicles i had. I was told that i would have to sit this month out, not by choice but because there was still too much activity happening inside of me. It wouldn't be good to rile my ovaries all up even more with shots and hormones. I was also told to go easy on the exercise (you don't have to tell me that twice) and not to have any wild, crazy "coitus" because my ovaries could twist (ouch) The timing of the next cycle, if i don't ovulate on my own, which i haven't in 10 years, puts us right at Jason's wedding. Not a good time to get OHSS and have to have my feet up for a week. Time will tell. I give up on making plans because they just turn into big bumps. Maybe i will ovulate on my own and i will actually be pregnant in California. That is a wild thought. See, there i go again. . . getting my hopes up, trying to stay positive. I really need to stop being so optimistic about the whole thing and then i won't feel so defeated when bumps come around. Oh, you know i can't do that. . . i will just be an ever-reaching defeated optimist. I bet there will be some relief from not having to read female anatomy related posts. What else is there to blog about? I will either get really quiet, or blog about random events, like i once used to. That doesn't sound so bad.

Unwelcomed Visitors

Last night at 1:00, i got an unwelcome visitor that couldn't have made it more obvious that i am indeed not pregnant. I was so excited to wake up in the morning and cruise down to the lab in Whitehall to pick up a copy of my blood results from Friday. I called friday morning to set up a test for Monday, and nurse said that i could go ahead and get it done this morning and she would call in the afternoon with the results. I ran out of school at lunch, only to be told i missed the pick up and wouldn't get my results in the afternoon, but i could come in Saturday and get a copy of them. Well, i guess i don't need to now. I of course woke TJ up and told him about the visitor. I cried and he held me. At 2:00, i still wasn't asleep and i had a pounding headache. I went out to the couch and put in Beverly Hills, 90210. TJ joined me and tried rubbing my head to make me relax and fall asleep. I think i fell back asleep a little after 3. Thank you for all of your prayers. We really don't want to start this all over, but it was really our first time trying in almost the three years that we have been trying. We really should do another cycle right away, which means back to G.R. on Monday and then twice a week for a while. I cannot imagine getting OHSS again, so we definitely have some questions for the dr. I was really hopeful and dreaded today, knowing my hope could be taken away completely, for this time around at least.

I woke up this morning to an e-mail that also states my granna has visitors, too. But her visitors are planning on staying. She found out she has lung cancer. She had a PET done on her lungs and many areas, including lymph nodes "lit up." She is tired of living and i try to understand that. And i do to some extent, to as much as my 28 year old body and mind will allow. But, it is still so hard to hear. It just bothers me to think that that nasty stuff is in her, and is getting no objection from her. One of the first questions she always asks me is "when are you coming to visit?" That was hard to hear before, but now it is so sharp and echoes in my mind. I just want to go back to bed, like it was yesterday and wake up to a new day. Life just kind of sucks right now. Sorry for the unhappy post. I am going to try to make the most of today, to not eat myself into a stupor, and to try to stay positive about something.

Happiness

Several little things made me smile today. . .if i look, they are all around me. Here are just a few:

• A good morning kiss
• heated seats
• a dimple
• an e-mail from a friend
• Friends coming down to my classroom to see me
• dark chocolate
• hearing my granna is helping to pay for part of our California stay
• having the ability to turn off Oprah when i heard Bill O'Reilly's voice
• sunshine
• a hug from a student
• a meow and purring from Abby
• a string of drool hanging from Annie's lips (she just looks hilarious like that)
• soup
• cheese
• photographs
• my jammie pants
• knowing American Idol is on tonight
• my classroom chair with wheels, so i didn't have to get up very much
• eucalyptus spearmint
• hot shower
• conversation hearts

Just a few. . . there are many more smiles yet to come.

Wow. . .

someone sent this to me. It is beautiful and so well done. We have been trying for three years, but i know there are so many couple out there who have tried for longer with more obstacles. Our journey isn't over either.

Home again

Well, i am home, away from my students, for one more day as i keep my feet elevated. My poor sub has to go to pool school today. You would think that i would have finished reading every book on my list or started writing a novel or something constructive. I haven't. I have watched many movies, graded papers, done suduko puzzles and watched TV. Next, i am going to continue watching Beverly Hills 90210 season 1. I am feeling a lot better today, so i need to watch myself because my doctor said to still stay off of my feet when i start to feel better or i can swell right back up. In my opinion this OHSS is not a good indicator of pregnancy. . . there are just too many variables. I am more confused than ever, so i will just have to wait out my full two weeks to know if we are pregnant or not. I am leaning towards no, but i would love to be surprised!

As i sit with my legs up, i look around and see all the chores that need to b done. We still haven't unpacked since we got home from Gail's. TJ has done so much to try to keep up with the house and with his school work, while still trying to do something for himself over his vacation. He did get some play time with Civilization on his computer and some reading time. Other than that, he has been doing school work, taking care of me, or taking care of some chores. He is the best. I know he feels just awful about this, especially a couple of days ago when i was absolutely miserable and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He is the best.

Bittersweet

Finally, my stomach is feeling better and the fluid is starting to drain. I went from peeing only two or three times a day to peeing four times just last night. Hooray. The only thing is ovarian hyper stimulated syndrome (OHSS) goes away quicker if you are not pregnant, otherwise it typically lingers into the first month of pregnancy. Bittersweet. I was so miserable, but so want to be pregnant. I know there is still a chance i am pregnant, but my hopes are not very high. Also, because i got OHSS this time, means it is very likely i will get it next cycle. I was literally on my butt since Thursday at 7:00 and the dr. still says to stay off my feet today. I might have to plan my next cycle to try around spring break and definitely not in early May because my brother is getting married and i am not missing that or being miserable during that happy time. I guess we will have to see.

Today, i have to do a lot of school work. It sucks. I feel like i didn't get anytime off to do anything i wanted to do, but then i think that at least i didn't have to use up more sick days. I was wondering if i would go to school tomorrow, but i think i will be alright. School work here i come. I will keep everyone posted. I have a little over a week of waiting still, but i am guessing it is a big fat no (at least not this time).

Miserable

I have sat in the same position for almost three days and three nights. My abdomen is still swelled, hard, and huge. It is a little better, but i thought it would be a ton better since i have spent all this time off of my feet. Will i get this ovarian hyper stimulation every time we start a new cycle of trying? I am not sure if i can handle it. I am supposed to continue staying off of my feet even after i start to feel normal and i do not feel close to normal yet. When i stand, i feel a ton of pressure and it still hurts when i breathe deeply. Poor TJ. He is waiting on me hand and foot and doing all of the chores. He hasn't slept well in nights because he is worried. We were at gail's this weekend, and i just sat there with my feet up. I think my butt is permanently numb. During the car ride, i sat in the back with my feet up. AAAHHHHH! Sorry this is not a happy post. I wonder if i will be able to go to school on Tuesday?

No wonder i was uncomfortable

So, yesterday, i was moving around on my feet cleaning, making sure to drink lots of water because i felt pretty uncomfortable in my abdomen. By the afternoon my stomach was so huge, round, and hard. None of my pants would even fit. I felt pressure all the time and sever pain if i sneezed, coughed, yawned, or took a deep breath. I decided to call my doctor. We played phone tag. TJ and i went out to CF Prime (wonderful, by the way). I had to wear clothes that were super big. By the time we left i was so uncomfortable i could hardly stand it. My breathing had actually become shallow. I had to recline my seat back in the car. When we got back, the doctor said that i had ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. 1% of the people who get FSH and HCG shots get a severe case of it where their abdomen fills with fluid and builds up to the lungs. Both TJ and i laughed that of course i would get this, since two weeks ago i was throwing up with the flu, last week i had terrible cramps, and this week it looks like i am filled with fluid.

So, i am to stay off of my feet completely with my legs elevated, drink no water, only drink 24- 40 oz of liquid (gatoraid or v-8 juice) a day, and when i start to feel better, i am to still stay off my feet. I am still very uncomfortable, but much better than last night. I had my legs elevated for 11 hours straight, so i better be feeling a bit better. When i stand up though, i feel as though my stomach is going to burst. Yikes. I hope this doesn't last long.

I worked two days this week

TJ had to go to school today and i had the day off. I felt bad for him when he got up this morning. I was so out of it. Lately, i have been speaking pure gibberish when he wakes me up or when i go to bed from sleeping on the couch. Last night i got a new friend. . . I just sat and held her and talked with her. She is called "you make my heart melt" And you cannot really tell, but there is melted chocolate on her fingertips. So cute.
Today, i made a list for myself, hoping it would give me some motivation. I am still in quite a bit of discomfort in my abdomen and i am trying to ignore it, but it is not easy. I have already balanced the check book, paid bills, and started laundry. Tonight, TJ and i are going on a date for our Valentine's dinner. I don't know if we are going to Butch's dry dock in Holland or the new place by pints n' quarts. The sardine room sounds good too. Decisions. Well, i am off to conquer more of my list. As of this morning, i am up 10 pounds since December. I want to cry, but i don't want to waste the energy on something that will bring no comfort nor weight loss. After we get back from Gail's this weekend, i need to go to a weight watchers meeting and face the pounds, so that i can get them off. . . AGAIN.

Sorry

I apologize for the previous post. I am better now. It is Valentine's Day and i am married to an amazing and incredible man. I am blessed. He loves me no matter how fat i get (or feel), how much i whine, or how hormonal i get. And the best part is he tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me. . . and even says i am beautiful. What more could a girl ask for? I love you TJ. Thanks for being you.

Morning Post

I should be on my way out the door, instead i sit here and blog. I am on the verge of tears. Everything just seems, well. . . blah. I put on a pair of pants that i used to be able to just pull down without unzipping. . . they fit perfectly. I know that i am a little bloated or swelled at my waist, but i don't think that much. I weighed myself and i am 7 pounds up from my lowest weight, which doesn't sound like a ton, but when it takes forever to take it off, it is a ton. I am so congested i slept with my mouth hanging open all night, and at dinner yesterday i had to eat with my mouth open. My terrible cramps won't go away. They kept waking me up every time i rolled over in bed. I miss my mom. I have the dreadful Valentine's party at school and i feel bad for my kids because obviously i am a party pooper. Thanks for reading. Sorry, to spread the blah. Hopefully, i also spread the love at times. Happy Valentine's Day!

Missing Mom

I looked at my blog from last year at this time, and couldn't believe the amount that i wrote. This year, i just dug up some pictures that remind me of my mom's personality for one reason or another. She is missed.My mom loved to nap. It was the highlight of her day. Everyday after school she would nap and then Saturday after she read the paper she would take a nap. This is a Sunday nap, a break from correcting papers and making lesson plans. It looks like Sammy is napping with her this time.

My mom would later become my best friend. We talked all the time about anything that was on our minds.

My mom had two spots in the house. This is one. She would often sit in her pajamas ans slippers and correct papers using a pink pen and writing the scores in her pink grade book as she sipped coffee and smoked. There was actually a sag in the couch from here sitting there

Her spring garden. The gardens started out small, and quickly took over to create a beautiful backyard. Oh look! She is wearing pink!

She absolutely hated cats, but held one for "Survivor Weekend"

Us in San Fran. I am so thankful we took this trip. In May i am going again, only this time with my dad, Jered, and TJ. I cannot wait.

This is her and Sammy feeding th fish in the pond.

This is my mom's other spot in the house. She actually got so she could pour a refill of coffee from this spot. On the counter, one could find a to-do list for the day/week, and ashtray, a cup of coffee, and her cigarettes. From here she had easy access to the calendar above her and to the phone.

The lilies. . . oh the lilies!

Well, i think i will watch my wedding video to see my mom and to hear her voice. Then i am going to take something for my cramps, put in My So-Called Life and scrapbook for a bit. As you can tell, i am not at school. Just didn't want to break down crying, be sad all day in front of my students, or worse yet. . . have a day where i did not take some time to remember my mom. I should also pay bills, empty the dishwasher and do laundry. We will see.

The Peach Pit

I have been watching season one of Beverly Hills, 90210 non-stop. It brings back such memories of watching the show and chatting with my friends about it at school the next day. The most enjoyable part is looking at their clothes and listening to the slang. It amazes me how good my memory is about things that don't really matter, like knowing that Brenda is going to get in trouble because Tif shoplifted (i wanted to write catapulted for some reason???), yet i cannot remember important things in life, like brushing my teeth. Anyway, right now Brandon is getting a C (gasp) in history as Steve is making an A due to stealing the tests, and Brenda is falling for Dylan. When i was younger, i used to think they were all good actors and i had often wondered what had happened to them. . .why they didn't all get more roles. . .now after watching part of season one again, i see why. I am still enjoying it though. I think i would win some sort of 90210 trivia game, if one ever existed. Then, i would feel so successful in life, like i had done what i was made to do.

Hopeful

Well, the doctor said yesterday that too many of my follicles were getting mature (it is not healthy to have 6 babies!), so he dropped my dose last night and we are going to then "give it a shot" for this cycle. I am overwhelmed with excitement and hope but at the same time being open to not getting pregnant this time around or even at all. We will see. I probably won't blog much more about it, but if you ask me. . . i won't mind talking about it. I don't want to blog because i am sure to over analyze my body and its messages it is sending me for the next two weeks, wondering if i am and i don't want to get anyone's hopes up because i am a freak. Although i say i won't blog about it, who am i kidding? We will see.

I am not sure what i am doing today. I guess i need to clean a bit. I might scrapbook. I had to leave scrapbooking early last night to get my final shot. I was so bummed, but at least i got a good night's sleep. TJ is really fighting the flu. I was praying he would not get it, but it looks like he is.

Mom and Valentine's Day

I was at work late today getting ready for a sub tomorrow. I have my hope-to-be-exciting doctor's appointment and a curriculum meeting. On my way home, i stopped at Plumbs and strolled down the aisles that included Valentine candy, Valentine cookies, and Doritos. I needed some comfort food. I needed to buy some goodies to place in the cute heart shaped candy dishes i have. I totally got this from my mom.

When i was living at my mom's, a huge red heart-shaped candy dish sat on the corner of the harvest gold counter tops. The dish's contents would vary, but most often it would contain Brach's gummy, fruity hearts. (these are almost impossible to find now. I found them two years ago at a plumbs, but have been looking everywhere ever since. Of course, they also happen to be TJ's favorite). In the harvest gold kitchen of my mom's there would also be a stash somewhere of heart-shaped cookies with red sprinkles or mini cupcakes with plastic hearts sticking out of the pink and swirled sprinkled frosting. I loved the little Valentine gifts my mom would get me. I miss them.

I am not sure why my mom loved Valentine's so much, and i am not sure if she always did, but i do know that she did as far back as i can remember. It is not like she had the best "luck" with relationships. I know she loved my dad. I know she loved George. I know that her heart got broken, too. But she still loved loving and being loved. Maybe she loved Valentine's so much because she was obsessed with hearts and with the color pink. Whatever the reason, i always find myself having to go out and buy little goodies to put in my heart shaped candy dishes, and that makes me smile, but it makes me really ache for her too. It certainly doesn't help that four years ago we had her viewing on Valentine's day and the her funeral the day after. Maybe that is why i needed some comfort food today. Or maybe because of all this. . . crap that we are going through as we ache for a baby, and my feelings of excitement, anxiousness, sadness, grief, hopefulness, trying to stay calm, to stay sane. I am constantly self checking my feelings to make sure they are in line and "allowed". . . when really i need to just let myself feel and deal with the consequences of having feelings, of being let down, of crying. I need to let myself get excited and remind myself that it is okay to cry at the same time because i am filled with memories, with longing, with hope, with happiness, with feeling. I need to let myself feel and these days that might mean sobbing because i miss my mom as i am smiling with the hope of pregnancy. My emotions are going to be confused. How could they not? Valentine memories, Valentine's day (i do love my husband very much), shots, ultrasounds, mom, the horrible day of February12, 2003, reliving conversations and memories, hope, progress, friends' prayers, friends pregnant, . . . i could go on. Up and down like a roller coaster. No wonder i feel like a freak!

Well scrapbooking night tomorrow night. I need to relax with some friends, with some laughter, and i might just get some scrapbooking done. I think this post makes the least amount of sense ever. I apologize.

Discouraging turns to encouraging

My emotions and hopes are on a crazy roller coaster ride. First we left at 6 this morning so TJ could prepare for a sub. When we got to his school, we found out that he did indeed have a snow day. . . which was good because it took us an hour and a half to get to the doctors. The roads were treacherous. The nurse took my blood and did an ultrasound. She said that my ultrasound wasn't looking too good. I had follicles, but none looked ready or mature enough to ovulate. She wasn't sure what the doctor would do, it all depended on my blood work. She said that he might start my cycle all over again and try another medication. I would get a call between 1 and 4 telling me what to do next. The call was a good one. My levels in my blood were high, which normally happens before the follicles look ready. I hope, i hope, i hope. Next Friday, after three more nights of high dose shots, i have a doctor's appointment. I hope. I hope. I hope. Now it is nap time.

hooray

Saturday i laid around all day. Sunday i woke up early with the flu. I was puking and had fever and chills. So, TJ took care of me. He also drove me to work to get lesson plans together for a sub on Monday. An hour after we returned from my school, tj and i get a call that neither of us have school. Hooray. So, today, i slept some more, and i didn't have to use a sick day. Tomorrow, i have my appointment in GR, so i already had a sub for the morning, but i was dreading going to school in the afternoon. I just received a call that i have yet another snow day tomorrow. God is good. TJ hasn't gotten a call yet. He decided to take a full day off tomorrow. If he got a call, that would mean he would not have to go into work to prepare for a sub. He has taken care of me so well these last couple days. I hope he gets a call too. Well, this is the most thinking i have done all weekend. I am going back to the couch. :)

Lazy day

I am not sure what i have done with my day. I started out the weekend knowing i was going to take it easy and stay cozy inside, but i didn't realize to what extent. I have stayed in my pajamas all day, minus the quick snowy run up to Hobos for some beach bread and hobos stew. When we returned, i promptly got back into them. I have taken a nap and sat and watched movies all day. Normally i cannot stand to just sit and "waste" time watching movies, but today i could. I have been fighting a cold for about a week now, so if my body is telling me to rest, then i am going to rest. I cannot believe how much snow we have gotten this weekend, and it just keeps coming down. They even closed the malls in G.R. It is absolutely beautiful. TJ and i were planning on going to the mall when we set out today, but as we were driving down Dalson, our plans quickly changed. We decided to eat somewhere close to Walgreen's where i was picking up a prescription. That was a great choice. When the wind blew, we could not see hardly anything. I hate driving in this stuff, but i love to look at it. Well, i think i will return to the couch and feather blanket. Stay warm.

You Talkin' To Me?

I had some fun with this. My dad sent it to me. I, of course, had it say inappropriate things for the wrong sex and such. I felt like i was in junior high all over again.

Resistant Ovaries

I know it might seem shocking that any part of my being might be resistant or stubborn, but it is true. The doctor referred to my ovaries as resistant because he has pumped them full and they still are not giving him the results he wants. He was rather surprised. So, we are upping the dose to 225 in each shot, and instead of checking on me after three days, he is having me do the shots for five days and come back Tuesday morning. A few days ago, i cried while driving to work because i have such wonderful and caring friends. On the upped dose, i might just break into tears over the beautiful and magical snow that is being dumped on us as i type. Yeah, the drive wasn't fun this morning.

To use a half or whole sick day next Tuesday. That is the question. It is pool school day. Can i expose a sub to such madness? I will be cutting it kind of close because we leave early on pool school days and my appointment is an hour later than normal, but i am using so many sick days and my students are getting so many subs because of my appointments and curriculum work. Pool school days are absolutely exhausting and i don't get any planning time and TJ is taking the whole day. I can't, can i? Hummmmmm. . .

I think i will go finish my second reading of The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I was really hopeful with this appointment, but i should have known that things just don't work out simply for me. There could be a line of problems once i finally do ovulate. We just never know, but God does.

Today: immature

Well, my left follicles were small and immature and she couldn't find any on the right. So, the dose is upped and we go back to Grand Rapids Thursday morning at 7:40. I have a sub in my room today until 11:30, so i am just hanging out. I will probably get some planning done. I really want to take a nap, but i doubt i could sleep. . . i would be so anxious about over sleeping or being groggy and i am getting observed at noon.

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow TJ and i go to Grand Rapids again to see if Femera and three shots have caused my follicles and eggs to be mature enough for me to ovulate. If they are mature enough, then i get another, different shot to make me ovulate. If they are not mature enough, which i am guessing they are not, then i get more shots of the same or more shots of a higher dosage. We will see. I am excited, but of course trying not to get my hopes up. I am in constant conflict between being too excited and being pessimistic. It has only been three shots and i actually have not noticed a change in my mood or anything, but maybe my follicles will surprise me tomorrow. I was out of my classroom on Friday due to curriculum planning and i will be out tomorrow morning for my appointment. I am getting observed when i return in the afternoon. I am sure if my follicles are not mature, then i will get more shots and have to return in a couple of days. More sick days, more sub plans. But, TJ keeps reminding me that we have not had to pay for a thing yet. . .my appointments, my medication, my ultrasounds, my shots. . . .has all been paid for. We are blessed. I am trying to get a lot of rest because i have been fighting a cold and i really don't want one right now, not when all this is going on. So i am hanging low and taking it easy. I think TJ has a little too much enjoyment with poking me with a needle! I am hoping for good news tomorrow, but am prepared for needing more shots.

Today is a happy day!

Twenty-eight years ago, a little baby TJ was born to wonderful parents. I cannot imagine my life if that birth didn't occur. I am so blessed that our paths crossed. . .of all the people to know, of all the places to live, all the churches to attend. . .and yet our paths still crossed. TJ is the best listener, the best friend, the best companion, and the best husband God could have ever made for me. I could go on and on, but i am sure TJ would prefer i stop. . . so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TJ! You are loved by many. Thanks for being the wonderful you.

Mmmm. . . Doritos

We never buy Doritos, never. TJ and i were both craving them, so over the weekend we bought a bag, and they were buy one get one free. We ate a bag over the weekend, and now i am eating the other bag. I wonder how many points i am rapidly consuming as i type this and munch. I just cannot stop. They are a crunchy, cheesy, delicious treat.

Outing

I did have an outing. We put on our long underwear. I wrapped a scarf around my neck and we both put hats on our heads. Then, bundled up in our warm jackets and boots we set out for a walk in this winter wonderland. The silent huge flakes piled on our shoulders and heads as we walked slowly down the road that had no tracks or footprints. It was a wonderful, quiet, peaceful walk that we thought was necessary after being stressed out trying to make plans for the week. It was just what we needed. Now, we need to eat stuff that is bad for us and snuggle in for the night. The snow is still falling outside, collecting on all the tree branches. It is still and silent. I don't think church is in our plans for the night. Sometimes, church causes one not to "be still." I am trying to be still and not be constantly wishing i could fast forward my life through this week. And if the shots don't work this round, i don't want to feel like fast forwarding my life again. I want to take deep breaths and live for today, enjoy today, be still for today. . . knowing God will be. It was nice to actually want to pause my life for a change as i was outside letting enormous, puffy flakes land on my nose while taking a walk with the love of my life. Life is good. Why fast forward through this and miss all the good?

Staying Home

This weekend, i have not had that intense need to venture out of my house. I have been content with staying home, relaxing, reading, playing games, cleaning, doing laundry. It is actually kind of nice. The only outing that i have had was to go to Meijer with TJ to pick up some stuff to make homemade pizza. We hung out with the Starrs last night. Played games, Watched the Office. Ate Pizza. Ate ice cream. Laughed until i cried. TJ and Nate killed Sarah and me in the game Buzzword. But i regained some of my composure when i beat everyone in Apples to Apples. It was great because it required no make-up, jammy pants, and undone hair.

TJ and Nate hold up the their winning score board for Buzzword

Today i am staying in too. I have already enjoyed a warm Chai and read a little bit. TJ made coffee in his crazy contraption of a coffee pot that he purchased while in Kansas. It is a science geek's dream. Being based on pressure from boiling water did create an exciting coffee making presentation. Today TJ and i have to "practice" administering the shot that i will get to partake in in a few days. We have an appointment tomorrow in G.R. and they ask us to demonstrate our ability to give the shot. I hate tests!Abby relaxes while we watch The Office

TJ's crazy coffee pot


TJ tries to play Civilization with Abby in her favorite spot.

Something to Ponder

I finished the fourth travelling pants book, now i am on to Searching For God Knows What.

In the book Donald Miller writes of when he was in high school he told God he doesn't exist- this is from later in Searching For God Knows What, by Donald Miller-
"I remember seeing that made-for-TV miniseries with Shirley MacLaine called Out on a Limb. There's a part in the movie where Shirley MacLaine goes for a walk on a beach and starts twirling around, saying 'I am God, I am God, I am God,' right there in the waves. I heard a lecture by novelist Frank Peretti in which he wondered what that must have sounded like to God. He leaned up to the microphone and squeaked out, in a very little voice, 'I am God, I am God, I am God.' He got a big laugh out of that from the audience. What he was saying was that Shirley MacLaine's voice must have sounded very small to God, on account of she was standing way down on earth on a beach, twirling around."
"I can understand why somebody would think they were God, though. In the first moments after I wake up, especially in the winter when I have left the windows open, I am quite taken aback by my existence; my hands, my eyelids, the feel of my feet rubbing against the blanket. In moments like this, I get the feeling that life is a great deal more complex than I am able to understand. I feel in these moments that I am fairly intricate and amazing; a speaker for a mouth, two cameras for eyes, sticks for legs, a computer for a head, a million sensors in a million places. I could see how somebody would think they were a god; but I could also see how somebody would think that person was a nut too. If you are a god and I am a god, we are all gods and then the whole thing just gets boring."
"I tell you all this only to say I came back to God. All the complexity about life was begging for an explanation; and me actually being god wasn't answering very many questions. And so in a way, i left the old god of easy answers, the god who was always wanting me to be rich or wanting my country to be better than other countries or, for that matter, for me to be better than you. I left that god the preachers talk about on television and politicians mention in their prayers. But I left room open for another God, a God who might explain my existence, explain the complexity of my hands and feet and feelings and the very strange and mysterious fact that even as I type this i am breathing."
"I confess, I feel there is a God who is very big and who understands everything. In the morning, when i get over these little moments of epiphany about how complex my construction is i begin to fear the God that is, because He made all this that is our existence and He understands its physics. Whatever it is that understands the physics of this thing that is happening to us would have to be quite remarkable, with giant oaks for feet, perhaps, and a voice like wind through a forest and a mind that creates creations of which it might ponder in a way of learning what it already knows. I start to think about this and i confess, it stirs a certain fright and it helps me believe the Scripture that teaches His ways are not like our ways."
"I realize it isn't a big deal to fear God these days, but i do. By that i don't mean i have just a deep respect for Hom or a healthy appreciation for Him; I actually get a general sense of terror. It isn't because i think He is a bad guy, because i don't. The sense of terror comes more from the idea that He is so incredibly other, has claimed He has created a kind of afterlife for people, has been born and will never die and doesn't exactly live in space. A God who is that different, that other, can tell you again and again He loves you and you are still going to be quite a bit afraid, just because of what it feels like when you think about His nature."
"I say all this because the other side of what Shirley MacLaine was doing on that beach isn't funny. From God's perspective, looking down at this squeaky voice going off about how she is God is pretty funny, but the other side, the side that knows how very large God is, he He has no end, gives me a start something terrible. And i wounder what it sounded like to God when Jerry Falwell went on television and said the reason the twin towers were hit by those planes was because there were homosexuals in the building. I wonder what kind of annoying squeak that was in God's ear. I don't think a person who makes statements like that fears God. I don't think people like this respect God when He says to love your brother, love your enemy, turn the other cheek, don't judge lest you be judged, be patient, be kind, hold your tongue and give every effort to keep the bonds of peace. Sometimes, honestly, I feel that squeaky-wheeled Christian leadership can be as wrong about God as Shirley MacLaine. I don't think they actually fear Him or think He means what he says."
"I was pleased to discover the God of Scripture is much larger than this. Everybody who met God in the Bible was afraid of Him. People were afraid of even the angels, so the angels always had to calm people down just to have a conversation. I would think that would be very annoying if you were an angel, always having to settle people down just to talk. It makes you wonder if the first thousand years in heaven will have us running around screaming like we would during an earthquake, the whole time God saying to us in an enormous booming voice, Calm down, calm down, will you, it's just Me."
"If you ask me, the way to tell if a person knows God for real, i mean knows the real God, is that they will fear Him. They wouldn't go around making absurd political assertions and drop God's name like an ace card, and they wouldn't be making absurd statements about how God wants you to be rich and how if you send in some money to the ministry God will bless you. And for that matter, they wouldn't be standing on a beach shouting about hew they are God, twirling around in the waves. It seems like, if you really knew the God who understands the physics of our existence, you would operate a little more cautiously, a little more compassionately, a little less like you are the center of the universe."

Guess Where i am. . .

Right now, i typically am teaching reading to squirrelly kids, but instead i am home, still in my pajamas wrapped up in a blanket blogging. Yes, another snow day to make a weekend longer. I am so blessed! I was even supposed to get observed today. Of course, as i am trying to fall back asleep after my phone call and after i have makeup on and and have been up for quite some time, i worry about stupid stuff. We have a field trip to the Muskegon County museum. . . i am not ready for it and my students were not reminded about it today because i am not seeing them. So that means i will have a ton of students who do not bring a lunch, and since we are leaving 15 minutes after they arrive, there is not much time to do anything about it. Also, i did not run off their museum scavenger hunt, yet. So, should i go into school anyway and use this as a catch up day? Nah, i think i will paint my toenails, eat at olive garden, and scrapbook. Life is good. Thank you God.

Hilarious Horse Head

I cried when Charlotte died today. I knew it was coming, and i did it anyway. I hated seeing her getting old, losing her energy and her sparkle. Although i do have to admit it took me awhile not to shiver with creepiness when she moved her eight spindly legs across the thin silky strands of hers, but i did come to love her with her multi-eyed face, her puffed abdomen, and her furry looking mouth thing. After the movie, the lady behind me responded "i have never read the book, but i think it is a classic." I was astounded and embarrassed for her. How could she not have read Charlotte's Web? It was one of the best children's books ever that portrays the qualities of a perfect friend and how two ordinary things can come together at just the right time and create something so incredibly extraordinary. If you have never read the book, please don't tell me, but make a promise to yourself that you will read it. promise? Good.

We went to the Pizza Ranch yesterday with the Starrs. Have i ever mentioned on here how much i love. . . i crave their homemade potato chips? They have the perfect amount of crunch coupled with the perfect amount of zestiness. Their pizza is good too. Anyway, this place is a combination of pizza buffet meets cowboy/southwestern style ranch. Bazaar. On the mustard yellow wall across from our table there was this protruding black horse head crookedly hanging. I had noticed it looking at me all through my potato crunching, cheesy pizza eating experience. It was creeping me out. Doesn't it know it is not polite to stare? When my plate was empty and i had had dessert, this older gentleman strolled across the restaurant ever so slowly as he gazed and tilted his head at the decorative horse head and then stopped right in front of it. He was fascinated. Intrigued. Mesmerized. I watched in pure curiosity and wonderment. Getting his face inches from the horse's eyes, ever so slowly he gingerly picked up the reins of the horse and brought them down past the horse's head. Moving his face back a bit, he looked at this change he had caused and contemplated if it was a good look for the horse. He decided it was not. getting closer once again, he carefully brought the reins back over the horse's head and set them gently on top of the horse's head so that one section of the reins fell in between the horse's ears. He stood looking at this protruding horse head. Turned on his heels and walked back to his table to finish his pizza. My eyes were filling with tears as i laughed as quietly has my heart would let me.

Swirling Feelings

After todays visit to G.R. for my doctor's appointment and shopping i feel. . .

Excited: to take the next step, to have a chance to get pregnant in the next three months, to talk to a doctor who has a personality, but also confirms that what my previous doctor did was good, to read Forever in Blue: The fourth Summer of the Sisterhood, to find a beautiful table at Isreals

Nervous: of how i am going to treat my husband, friends and students while being pumped full of hormones, of having the side affect of excessive weight gain apply to me after i have worked so hard to take it off, of giving myself shots everyday, of looking like an idiot because i already LOST the script the doctor wrote for me, of actually getting pregnant and then we will be responsible for another human being!, of getting pregnant with twins or triplets (this is exciting, too, but also something that creates nervousness in me!)

Worried: about missing so much school and having to write so many sub plans and still have my students learn what they need to learn, about finances, about timing, about actually getting pregnant and having a miscarriage, about doing my thesis in the spring/summer

Relieved: from my appointment being over, from not having to even take off an item of clothing, from meeting in his office rather than a sterile room with stirrups, from not having a plan, from finding the perfect table at Isreals when i thought there was no hope

Excited: see above. . . because this is the prominent feeling i have right now.

Moving on

I am moving on from just my ordinary infertility specialist and going to a real, live reproductive endocrinologist in grand rapids. Excitement and nerves. I hope there will not be a ton of retesting, re-x-raying, re-ultra sounding. I had all of my records sent there and we are coming with the x-rays and "the notebook" that we have documented everything in. Thankfully our appointment is early in the morning (8:00) so we can have fun in G.R. for the rest of the day, when we could have been at school. Subplans, however. . .not so fun to write. And then there is always that nagging feeling like i forgot something on my three page sub note, or that i forgot to leave materials out. Anyway, there is nothing i can do now, but not worry about it.

For those of you that read yesterdays post. . . i went to bed at 7:45! I guess i was tired.

Is it January Already?!

Well, this is the first blog of the year. That is unlike me. Right now i am so exhausted that i can hardly move my fingers. I gave what energy i had to 24 little kids today. I didn't get much sleep last night. I rarely do on Sunday nights. I went to church last night (which is a new thing since i stopped going to OVCC). It was refreshing to go, i guess. After church we got together, like we often do and chatted, joked, ran after kids, held babies, discussed issues, etc. I don't get enough sleep because of it. I think i got home close to 11, and then i need my wind down time and then it is up at 5:15, bright and early. I wouldn't give it up though. It is such a small sacrifice for something i want. . . i need, and something that i can give. It may decrease the amount of sleep i get, but that is nothing compared to messed up feeding schedules, bed times, potty training, diet vanilla cherry dr. pepper, ice cream, pizzas, and stolen quietness that the others are giving up. It is so nice to hang out. . . to hear about life from a different perspective other than mine. And, i just love the great mix of personalities that are smooshed together. It is real entertaining, fulfilling, and refreshing. Well, i am going to bed early tonight. Pool School awaits me tomorrow.

Thoughts on Christmas

I finally transferred the pictures from the camera to my computer and it made me realize i had not yet blogged about Christmas. Christmas was wonderfully relaxing and peaceful. I don't really have much else to say about it. It was wonderful seeing family and being able to chat with everyone. Mom was deeply missed and i missed seeing Jason, too. I wore my pajama pants more than i wanted and ate more delicious cookies than i needed. Jered and Jason both made me cry with their Christmas gifts to me and Lori and Gail both made me laugh till i cried. Grandma Howell said she "became overcome" and learned that when my dad was little, granna got so mad at him for saying "farting around." I guess that is why granna says she is "leaving winders" instead of the f-word.

A post from Gail's

Friday was a crazy, exciting day. TJ and i worked till the wee hours of the morning. For like six hours more i worked on a christmas gift, while TJ made cookies. I would take a break, unfold my legs and wash dishes or drop cookies onto a cookie sheet. At night, we both took a break to eat a nice Christmas dinner (steak, rice and peas), eat some cookies and open presents! TJ got me a wonderfully warm, beautiful North Face jacket, a red fleece jacket, a fleece pull over, Life is Good pjs, Life is good t-shirt and sweatshirt, a skirt that i had been eyeing and two long sleeve v-ncek t-shirts. I also got my matching vera wallet. It was so much fun to open everything.

I hid most of TJ's gift in my closet. He opened the little box that had all the parts and a DVD explaining his new Leigh dovetail jig. He was speechless when he opened it. In his overflowing stocking i got him season one of the Office, a car talk calendar, i-tunes gift card, and candy.

We played with our new stuff for a few minutes, then it was back to work on the homemade chex mix and packing up the various tins for family and friends. Then TJ cleaned the kitchen.

We arrived at Gail's yesterday after making some stops in Grand Rapids. I am looking forward to Christmas, although it doesn't feel like Christmas yet. Everyone is sleeping here, so i thought i would blog and wish everyone a very merry Christmas!

Ahhh, vacation

My muscles in the back of my neck are finally starting to relax. I had a scalp massage and shoulder massage today when i went to get my hair cut. With short hair, i can see that i am going to need to get my hair cut much more often. I still like it better than my long hair, though.

There is a little package under the tree for me. It has a beautiful bow made out of sparkly snowflake ribbon. There are also quite a few other gifts under there for me. I cannot wait to have tj open his gifts. We are trying to hold out until tomorrow. We are going to have a nice dinner and then do our Christmas celebration.

TJ is hard at work making cookies, while i am finishing up making a Christmas present that i cannot mention on here. Poor TJ. As a break, i wash some dishes so he can move on to another batch. Later i will start to help by dropping the dough, but i am so pressed for time too. I really want to have the house completely cleaned before we go out of town. I also need to do my toe nails. . . i thought about spending some of my earned "loopies by Lindsey" money to get a pedicure at the salon today, but i just couldn't let myself do it. It seemed so frivolous. I also have so much school work to do, but i am not thinking about that until after the holiday. I took a nap today. Our bodies are still trying to catch up on sleep and relaxation. Thanks to my brother Jason and his soon to be wife Whitney, TJ stayed up until 3:00 playing a video game they had given him for Christmas. He said it was so addicting. He didn't know how late it was until infomercials started appearing on the TV. Thanks guys!

I have always had an extreme dislike for Berber carpet. I hated it even before my mom carpeted the whole house with it when i was in high school. I hate the colors it comes in. I hate how some of it has the embossed design in it. I hate how industrial it looks. I hate the name of it. . . Berber. What kind of name is that, anyways? I finally found someone that has the same dislike for it. My friend is putting new carpet in her basement, and as she was telling me about her options, she said that Berber was not one of them because she hates it. Her mom also put it in the main level of her house. The joy in sharing a common hatred is so satisfying! Down with Berber!

Well, my break is over. I must get back to creating. At least i am getting some movie watching in while i do it! These last two days I have already watched A Christmas Story, National Lampoons Christmas, Meet the Faukers, Talladega Nights, and i am currently watching Spaceballs.

As if i don't have enough to do.

Being a teacher is crazy, especially this time of year. Not only do you have your typical Christmas stuff to do at home for your family, you also have to do it for your classroom and your "family" there. Yes, i had to decorate my classroom. I have to wrap 24 books tonight, after of course i write a special little message in their books. I have to laminate the cover of their books that they illustrated and are giving someone for Christmas. I have to cut out their covers and bind all the pages together. I have to prepare for their other present, a glass ornament that they paint/write on and then fill with gaudy, sparkley things. Also, the semester is coming to an end, so i need to keep teaching and assessing. YIKES! Then, i get to take all the crap down in my room, write thank you notes to gobs of students for the weirdest presents. Okay, there is more, but i am freaking myself out.

On another, less stressful note, i watched the interaction of two of the cutest babies last night. Noah and Maya sat (wobbled) across from each other with feet almost touching. Noah was mesmerized by Maya's sprouting pig tails and kept trying to grab them, and Maya really liked Noah's squishy feet. It was so cute to watch their expression and their curiosity change and unfold. I wonder what was going through their minds. Kids are truly great entertainment. We all sat around and stared.

TJ and i had another talk about what we think our options are. I say "think" because my appointment isn't until the 28th and then i still need to make an appointment with the specialist in Grand Rapids after i get referred. Before we even started trying to get pregnant, TJ and i discussed adoption. We knew it was something that we wanted to do, but we always assumed it would be after we had a baby. Now, i am not so sure. I have always been so curious what kind of child the combination of our genes would make. Would i be content with not knowing? TJ said he thinks he would rather adopt than go through IVF, but he totally understands my reasoning for wanting to do IVF. I guess i am still not sure. I need to wait until i have all the information. . . maybe until they find out what is wrong with my body, and until we know all of our options. I know there is a little baby somewhere, sometime that will one day be ours. Keep praying!

Anticipation

I cannot wait for TJ to open this present. It is specially wrapped in already-used snowflake paper that my mom once wrapped one of our many snowflake themed gifts in. She suggested i keep the paper because it was so nice and so thick and i could use it when i added to our snowflake theme by giving a snowflake gift to TJ. There is nothing in it that will add to our snowflake theme (sorry mom), but TJ will like it i think. The paper smells of cigarette smoke, but I love how there is a hint of sparkle as it sits under the tree waiting to be opened. I love this time of year.

I don't get to work at 7 so i can blog, but. . .

I have a lot going through my mind. On my way to work, i was thinking of all that has happened and all the i have accomplished since my mom has passed away. It is weird for me to think that she was not around to see me get my first teaching job, buy our first house, buy our first car, struggle with gettting pregnant. She was so emotional (i wonder where i got that from) that she would have been crazy excited or depressingly sad. I feel like some times in my life are not as crazy exciting because she is not around or they are more depressingly sad because she is not around. When will i just stop wondering what it would be like?

Some people say to me, "don't you think your mom still sees all of your accomplishments and all of your pain?" I am never sure how to reply. Is it really biblical that people watch from above or is that something we have come to think to bring us some sort of false comfort about death and the after life. Sometimes, i think i can feel her hug me and i can feel her pride in me. More importantly than her "looking down on me" is that i know she is a part of me. Part of who i am today is pieces of her weaved throughout me. So, i guess i know what her reactions would be because they are mine.

Now, i feel like i can get some work done. . .

Jered

Today is my oldest brother's birthday. I was driving home from work remembering good memories. . .
I remember when:

• I was little and throwing up and he held my hair back.
• I fell and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table that was brown, had spindles and orange velvet and jered hugged and rocked me while i cried.
  
• he was an "ass" in Midsummers Nights Dream. . . played the part very well, too!
• he would set up his lego creations on the entertainment center. I can still hear the constant digging sound of legos
  
• I would go to his cross country meets and watch him run.
• he brought me my first Chai Latte.
• my mom and i went to The Brandywine right after he got the job and he was our waiter.
• he had braces, glasses, and pegged pants. Dork!
  
• he lost his contacts in the snow.
• he promised not to tell that i was having a skating party downstairs if i gave him a two liter of pop.
• he skipped school and forged dad's name.
• he came and rescued me by replacing my blown out tire with my spare.
• he was cooking tomato sauce and smeared it all over his face.
• he and jason beat me in monopoly every time we played it.
• he let his friends park on the lawn and i got so upset.
• his Audi rolled back, went across the street and came to a stop in the bushes.
• he put my Barbies in the microwave, after he made them look like prostitutes. (i was getting rid of them)
• he cut my long, long pigtail off at the hair holder because he was playing barber.
• he gave me a Precious Moments figurine.
• i got to watch him at perform at improve.
• he would cook yummy mashed potatoes and other things in the kitchen with mom.
• he and jason would be giggling late at night as they talked from their bunk beds.
• he told me he got hit on his bike by a car. . . and i laughed.
  
• he would sing/hum jazz during his showers loud enough so you could hear him in the living room
  
• he wrote a persuasive letter to mom convincing her to give him his car back. it worked.
• listening to him play the trombone.
• he still sticks his tongue in his cheek when he is concentrating.
• he had and afro.
• dad asked him where the bathrooms were in a restaurant and jered gave him directions into the kitchen!

Jered certainly knows how to push my buttons. I used to yell at him to shut up and he would calmly say, "But Lindsey, i am not the one yelling." It used to drive me crazy. Jered is a sensitive, intelligent, hilarious brother who is laid back and has common sense (both of which i had more of). I am so lucky to have him for a brother. Happy Birthday, Jered. I love you!

Bosses

Last week, my principal came in to ask if it would be alright if all seven administrators came into my room to do a "walk through." He said the administrators were being trained in getting useful observations by walk throughs. He assured me they would be in two groups and that each group would be in my room for about five minutes. I said sure. For some reason, i don't freak out at these things and i think he knew that. I feel like i can almost back up anything i am doing in my classroom, if asked about. You can always do things differently, but not necessarily better. Anyway, in they came today. My kids were finishing up breakfast in the room and were getting ready to switch for centers. The other group came when we were setting up our graphic organizer for Fables. My kids were funny. They were coming up to me and asking what all those people were doing in our classroom. I always just ignore administrators when they come in, unless they approach me, but this was a lot of big people at once. My curriculum administrator said that they had wonderful things to say about me and my classroom and they were wondering who i was. I was shocked that the superintendent knew my first name. . . i am sure he just was told it before coming into my room.

Tomorrow, i have a sub because i am working on curriculum with other teachers. After school, as i was getting ready for a sub, another teacher came in to my room. She had some questions for me. She has been trying to get pregnant and has gone to see the Dr. that i go to. She was put on glucophage and was scheduled for an HSG. I warned her about the HSG and we told stories about taking our temperature every morning, about the word "coitus", and about woman's bodies. It was really good to talk to her. The Dr is moving much quicker with her than she did with me. Maybe because she knows what is wrong with her. It was a good talk. She asked good questions, wanted to know about me, and could relate. The doctor knows what is wrong with her though. With me. . . no clue. I have decided not to be very aggressive right now. I need a break from it consuming my mind. The Femera didn't work. I don't know what to do next. I should call, but i don't feel like messing with it. I am sure i would have to start taking hormones again and start all over. Tired. I am going to wait for my December 28th appointment and probably ask to be referred to the place in GR.

This weekend, i don't want to do anything school related. My grad class is done, so i don't have work to do for that! I don't want to talk about school. I don't want to crack open my bag. i don't want to use markers (unless i am scrapbooking) I want to Christmas shop. I need to bake for the Christmas party. I need new boots. Mine broke when i was out on recess duty. BUT, i have so much school work to do. Oh well. Right now, i am going to go read. If you got to the end of this. . . thanks for reading/listening.

It just keeps coming!

I love this kind of snow. . .the huge, fluffy flakes gently falling and ever so gingerly resting on another flake as it comes to a stop. It is beautiful and refreshing. I was supposed to have a staff meeting after school, but the nice principal called it off due to weather. In Montague it is extremely gusty, but in Twin Lake, it is calm. Calm to the point where each individual branch is accentuated and the snow stays where it lands. I quickly turned on all the Christmas lights and took a moment to reflect. I think it is a good night to settle in with some chinese food and have nothing to do with school work.


On another note- sometimes TJ and i get something for the house for Christmas and then we don't do gifts for each other, only stockings. We get some of our furniture that way. Well, this year we were thinking about getting a digital camera. We have one, but it is HUGE and well, actually it is Muskegon High Schools. We know we are going to want one when we have kids and there are some very good deals out there now. The problem: we don't really need it, yet. We would just take pictures of our cats. Although i would like it for my brothers wedding in May. I can take pictures just fine with what we have. A digital camera might be something i can put on a future baby registry at Target. Well, i think i made up my mind. Thanks for listening. IT always helps to blog. I guess that means i need to go get TJ a Christmas present.


I cannot wait for the end of this week. My good friend Mary from New York is coming to my house. We were friends in high school, in spite of a common friend trying to keep us separated. We lived together in college and have continued to stay close. I can tell her anything. She is an amazing listener and friend. On Saturday i am helping to host our staff Christmas party. Fun.

In the meadow we can build a snowman

Friday: Snow day! I didn't know it until i drove for 45 minutes in terrible conditions to work and was promptly told they had canceled school at 7:40 (five minutes after i left home). I turned around and came back, after i relaxed for five minutes. I then worked on my project for my grad class for 6 hours and finished it up. I also did laundry. At night, i went scrapbooking. I love snow days.

Saturday: Started off our day at the Muskegon library, then went to the Art Museum's festival of trees to hear singing, watch a friend lead her string students in a Christmas concert, saw gingerbread houses, and decorated Christmas trees. Then we went to Hearthstone for some soup. At first we bravely walked the sidewalks of downtown Muskegon to eat at the City Cafe, only to find out it was closed. I said bravely because the sidewalks were a sheet of ice, or not cleared at all. I literally slid part way there. Hummmm, do i see a letter to the editor coming? Then, we went Christmas shopping and i came home and decorated our Christmas tree and the house, as i watched Clue and Love Actually. It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas.


Sunday: I paid bills, put up the outdoor lights, put up my new (last year's clearance) evergreen lighted moving deer in the front yard, cleaned my fish tank, and maybe i will get to school stuff. I am not in the mood for school.