Dog N Suds

I had to go into Montague to get some things from school for my thesis. TJ and i also went to Pekidills, of course. There are so many people i still want to take there so they get the experience at least. The food was excellent and the garden was spectacular. Then we went to Weesies Nursery to see if they have any good sales on perennials, which they did. Hot Digetty! Then for the first time ever, after passing it on my way to and from work for years, we stopped at Dog N Suds for a draft root beer float. YUM!! I am back and now it is time to get to work.

Introducing. . .

Corbin Andrew Starr!
Corbin's mom

Corbin's dad

Is it starting?

I'm ballooning out. I don't know if i am over-analyzing my body for fear of catching it too late, but i don't think i am. Maybe it is just bloating, whatever it is i am uncomfortable and swollen feeling. Some people say "well you ain't seen nothing yet until you are pregnant, then you will really feel like a balloon." To me there is a huge difference, for one you have a life growing in you, instead of swelling up with just water while trying to get a life to grow inside you. Secondly, when you are pregnant, i don't think you gain close to 15 pounds in three days. I am not saying i don't have a life in me, i don't know yet! If i get ohss and get pregnant, then who cares that i got ohss. But it truly sucks when i get it and don't get pregnant. That is like getting kicked when i am already down. I am just going to take it easy. I am not switching to gatorade yet, but i will definitely wait and watch and feel. Obviously all those things i (TJ) was shooting into my body are going to have some effect, so maybe that is all it is.

I went and saw Shrek the Third today with my hubby. It was hilarious! Then we both came home and took a nap. We just finished with steaks on the grill, homemade pasta from the art fair and delicious peas. Yummmm. If i am pregnant, i probably shouldn't have had a steak that rare. It is hard to play the what-if game because i am not really thinking about it. I guess i am trying not to get my hopes up, but i need to just realize that they are and live on. I have already kicked caffeine, so i might as well follow the rest of the rules. Then again, i am going to find out if i am pregnant long before most people even think to check if they are.

Well, i think we are going to watch Mighty Wind. I am so anxious to meet Corbin Starr, but i am trying to give them space. . . not everyone likes to get a visit in the hospital. She said she would probably call me Friday when they get home and settled. I am going to bring Cheesy Potatoes for them next week. They love my cheesy potaotes. . . so do i. I wonder if she will let me change one diaper. . . then i can say that i have changed a diaper. Being the youngest in my whole extended family, except a cousin who is a little younger than me, i haven't had much experience. In fact, TJ has had a ton more than me.

Well, i am completely rambling. Bye.

Rainbow Sherbet

I have such a desire for rainbow sherbet right now, but i don't really want to go out. I wonder which will win. Here is a random flow of my thoughts. . .

• TJ went to watch Transformers with some friends.
• We got 5 yards of soil delivered today to prepare for the plants. The walls look awesome.
• I am totally freaked out with the last part of my thesis. The whole thing is due August 1st, complete with a chapter three, table of contents, appendices, and such. I have a lot to do. But, i am not teaching summer school. . . Hooray!
  
• I cannot wait to meet Corbin Starr
• There is a very good chance we could have a baby in nine months! We will have to see
  
• Annie is drooling profusely right now
• It looks like i am not going to get OHSS
• I still want sherbet. . . bad
• I am going to go do my toe nails
• Steaks on the grill tomorrow- no grand haven this year. . . we just want to hang out and take it easy this year
• We are so blessed and thankful with the people that are in our life
  

Corbin Starr

Hooray! Today Corbin Starr was born at 10 lbs. 8 oz. 22 in. Wow! Unfortunatly i don't have a cute picture of him yet, but until then. . . here are wooden letters TJ made for his room.

Quietness

It is so peaceful right now. I was sitting out on the deck reading my book, glancing up at the blue sky, and listening to birds chirping. What a perfect day. We got up at about 9 and then went to the Muskegon Art Fair. They have some very talented stuff there. I spent my birthday money from my grandma Howell. I got some pottery cone flowers that are on a metal, twisty stake for the garden. They are so cute. We also got some pottery soup bowels that match our stuff we bought last year. Of course, we got some Christmas presents, but i won't describe them. Now, i am really sleepy. I had to move off of the chaise or i thought i would fall asleep. i am so thankful for these days. TJ and i spent all day together - you think we would be used to that, but i have been inside or out working on my thesis and he has been working on retaining walls- we laughed, held hands, enjoyed the sunshine and the breeze, shared tasty food, made jokes, and peopled watched. It is so nice to enjoy the same things. . . well most of the same things. I will never be in to Ultimate fighter and he won't scrapbook, but he does look through my finished scrapbooks because he wants to and i do watch ultimate fighter at night with him. We just had a really good, stress free day with each other.

Response from Professor

I got a response today from my prof. I hesitated opening up the e-mail for fear it would wreck my weekend, but here is the message about chapter two. . .

Lindsey, excellent work.  There are a couple of picky things,
but you basically
are finished with this chapter.  I don't need to see it again.

You are almost finished!!!!!  Did you think you would be here? 
Pat yourself on
the back.  You've done and excellent job here.

Nancy

Nancy Patterson, PhD
Literacy Studies Program Chair
College of Education
Grand Valley State University


Hooray!!

Okay, Follicles. . . do your thing

My appointment was pretty exciting today. I have a follicle on my left side that is ready, a follicle on my right side that is almost ready, and a few on each that are small- not a ton like last time!!! My lining is ready, too. The nurse said i look much better than last time, which means fewer chance of OHSS. I get a shot tonight of the same dose (letting the follicle on the right get big enough) and then i do my trigger shot tomorrow night. Hooray! I hoping, praying, urging, wanting, wishing that this is the month. We will see- not until Mid July, but we will see.

i am really sleepy. After my appointment, i went scrapbooking and now i am home and tired. I still haven't heard back from my prof. Maybe she is letting me enjoy my weekend before she delivers bad news. Yikes!

Beautiful Day

Well, i hit the send button for my chapter two to go to my professor's inbox. The waiting is terrible ( Although it is not as bad as the two week and waiting time between my shot and knowing if i am pregnant or not. . . that will come soon.) I woke up today, knowing that i had to tweak some parts of chapter 2 and proofread all 43 pages. Yuck. I didn't think it would take as long as it did, but i am finished. . . for now anyway. My goal was to finish today, so i could enjoy scrapbooking with friends tomorrow (after my appointment), and enjoy Grand haven's art fair and muskegon's art fair this weekend. I cannot wait. The weather is supposed to be like today, cool and sunny. Hooray!

I watered the plants. TJ is working on the lower portion of the wall outside. I think i am going to sew for a bit. I need to make a couple of Loopies by Lindsey. I love having the windows open and having fresh air inside the house. Again. . . life is good.

Digging Deeper

Upon deeper digging in my mom's crate that resided up in her closet at the echo house, i came across more treasures. One thing was a letter from my mom to her mom and dad. It was obviously a rough draft explaining that my mom and dad were separating in hopes to save their friendship. She reassured her parents by saying that dad was only renting a house 3 miles away on union lake (i remember that) and that he is spending lots of time with us. It was kind of hard to read. It explains, though, the reason why they remained freinds, although the initial time right after the divorce seemed kind of tense.

I also found some writing in her crate from Jered and Jason. . . i hope they don't mind me sharing.

A Mother's Day Poem for Mom
- Jason Michael

Due to my lack of buying power
I was unable to purchase a flower
Or a cheap, fabricated Hallmark card
With a saying by some anonymous bard
And though we fight over this and that
About what to do with the two cats
And though we yell & fight & rue
Life would suck without you.
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is "I love you, mom. Happy Mother Day."

Love,
Jason

Reasons Why I Should Have My Car
or
A Lesson Learned in Justice

by Jered Michael

1. Taking the car away on the weekend and not allowing me to drive to school will not help my grade. It can only discourage me. i can understand not having my car on weeknights 'cause I should be doing homework

2. My feelings are that I'm being punished for doing my best to improve my grades but still getting the shortend- How discouraging. Would you like getting an E on a paper that you worked 5 wks on just because you made a rude comment to the teacher 5 wks ago? - I thought i was already punished sufficiently for my grades - I can only do my best- I did do my best - and now my car has been taken away - Justice is blind - yet it still doesn't hear.

3. Is it my fault that my trig teacher hasn't recorded grades? - I have turned in every assignment so far - but I'm being punished for it becasue he's too lazy to check our HW - and i suffer. Is there no justice?
I ask you

In conclusion - where am I at fault ? - I agree I still need to sustain improvement- If you look at Mr. Auten's gradebook, you would've seen that after the first 5 wks I had every homework turned in. I received a 58/64 on a quiz and a 61/68 on another - yet I have no car. Why? - - - What I propose is
1. I get all my privileges on the weekends where there is no academic aspect and I can still drive to school
2. All phone, driving, and going out privileges are gone on weekdays until I show at least all C's in my classes

If we punish the accused simply because they fit the punishment - without first examining the case- we are condemning humanity!!

Power to the People

"The best government - is no government"
- Henry David Thoreau

I plead with your intellect - look at what you're doing - as a professor of the liberal arts - you must be aware of the Great Crime of Injustice - much bigger than a D in Trigonometry

Thank you for listening.
please Consider
-for the future of mankind
Ben Franklin would be proud!

Your loving son,
Jered Michael
In support of you loving son, your loving neighbor,
Scott A. Jones

I think Jered won this argument, if i remember correctly!

Our resolutions- i don't know what year they are from

Resawhatever
I promise not to be violent
Jason

Resolution
I lindsey will not throw a spaze (spaz) any more. I feel good and will not fight with my brother's and sister (?) mom
Lindsey M

Jered took his resolution i think. He wrote on his that he has in fact already was doing it. I think it was something about keeping peace.

Lastly, a poem my mom wrote:

1974 will be a year to remember,
Our first year with our newest member.
We rang it in with a fondue meal,
Eaten in shifts due to Jered's squeal.
The Year was passing and things were bad,
Jered kept crying and Shepherd was mad.
A trip to the Bahamas was a nice relief;
Unfortunately, it was much too brief.
Finally, the Michael family got lucky,
When we were moved to Louisville, Kentucky.
Tho Jered still cried and Ma was homesick,
We got rid of Shepherd and gained Skonick.
Daddy was made ad-coordinator,
And Jered began to sleep a little later.
Ma visited home and had her sewing,
And time passed without our knowing.
Now Jered's a toddler and such a gem,
How did we ever live without him?
So '75 has got to be better,
No matter where we are, we;ll be together

Another Life

In search of childhood pictures of my mom for a scrapbook i am doing of her, i brought up her crate that i rescued from the echo house. The yellowing old crate once sat up in the top of her closet. It is where she kept all of her favorite pictures, draft letters to her sisters, a letter to wish her and my dad a very happy first anniversary from my aunt carol, and spiral notebooks that i imagined lived on the kitchen table or kitchen counter from when her and my dad were married. These notebooks are strange to me- Seeing my dad's lists and my mom's lists in one notebook. I don't remember my dad living at echo, but this notebook helps me to imagine the fast-paced, busy, life they both lived there. There are countless notes to the various babysitters, notes from my mom to my dad, sometimes nagging him, sometimes giving him information, and warnings like "the mushrooms and bean srouts are for another meal-please don't use." There is trial runs of Jered's cursive, lists of where things are packed for a camping trip, directions to places in farmington, mention of Elton John tickets, phone numbers of faintly familiar names, doodles, and coffee stains. By her lists, i can tell my mom liked to garden even back then, she liked her nails done, she liked to have parties in the backyard (complete with kegs), she loved us so very much, she left over-specific notes for the babysitters, she shopped at k-mart and hudson's, she cleaned a lot, she read, she wrote. I love looking through the yellow pages of the past and smelling the pungent nicotine smell of the pages and pictures. I love to see what pictures she valued and what she thought important enough to leave behind in her crate. There is pictures of my dad holding each one of us as newborns. There are graduation pictures of each of us. There is a picture of my dad dancing with his mom at my mom and dad's wedding. There are pictures of my aunt carol with us. Then the pictures jump to more familiar, yet stranger times, of george and his kids and trips that mom and george took. So much of the things are of when i was little--things i don't quite remember, but then suddenly i come across a picture of my mom and george or a picture of jered's graduation or jason's graduation party. She had a happy life, i think- Very hard, at times. She seemed to be able to capture many happy times at least. One of my favorite treasures is repeated note to my cousin leigh, who used to babysit, telling him that i was grounded to the back yard or to Erica's house. I was not allowed at Annie's because i had too much junk food. She actually wrote that i had a malt, two Popsicles, and a candy bar befroe dinner while i was at annie's. After that i was only allowed to get a snack from my babysitter, my dad, or my mom, according to the note. Another funny/ sad part is when my mom left a note for my dad about a funeral they had to go to. My mom was saying that she made beans for the wake. She wrote "P.S. i heard about my inheritance check- i hope it came home intact." My dad wrote under that "sorry- i made a down payment on some swamp land in Florida." Well, i have one more notebook to look through. i've found a couple of childhood pictures that i might be able to use.

Headache

I think i need to stop working on my thesis for the night. I have a headache and i have been concentrating on the same sentence for way to long, trying to think of a transition that i haven't overused in my 38 pages of ramblings. I still cannot believe how late i am in turning this in. I had no idea it would be this torturous to write. I cannot imagine being done with this in August and feeling so free. Tj is mowing the lawn right now. I am going to quit and sit like a blob on the couch. I want to read the book i started, Crooked Little Heart by Anne Lamott, while i relax, but i have too much of a headache. I went out to my car and got my glasses a few hours ago, thinking they would help as i focused on the tiny letters on the monitor, but i think it was beyond help.

Gary the Galloping Goat makes me smile.

Back from GR

Well, two nurses didn't know quite what to do with my results of the ultra sound. I have many follicles developing, but none that are ready for a release of an egg. There are too many developing for their liking, but the dominant ones aren't developed enough. They were stumped and said they would have to talk with the doctor and wait for my blood results and then call in time to order more meds for tomorrow. They called and they are upping my dose to 300 a night. What does this mean? It is very likely i will got OHSS again. Yuck. If that happens this is probably our only month to try during the summer because i will probably get cysts the following month from all the over stimulated follicles and have to take a month off. That is just assuming my body is going to react the same, which so far, it definitely has. I have an appointment on Friday at 8 to see what we are going to do next.

I got my first part of chapter two back from my prof. . . i have so much left of the chapter to finish that i am off to work on it. Thankfully, i have nothing major to change, just a few things here and there. She said it was great work, and that my outline for the rest of it looked good.

Our Day

What I have been working on. . .

What TJ has been working on. . .

What we are not working on. . .

TEACHING!

Another Day of Writing

I am sitting again at the table that was moved to the living room. Yesterday, i didn't get as much done as i had hoped. I just had a huge section that was murky and hard to wade through, but i think with a fresh look at it today, it will be more clear. Hopefully. Today my break consists of going to lowe's to check out a patio set they have on sale. I am kind of picky about what i want for the back deck. We might get a big salad at Ruby Tuesdays. Their salad bar is amazing, but i don't know how many points it is and that kind of irritates me. Tomorrow is GR time. We made our dr's appointment an hour later than last time, so we can get up at a decent hour. I might need a break from my thesis and spend some time in GR, but we have a a lot of other stuff to get done.

My friend, Sarah, can have her baby any day now. We ate dinner with them last night and have plans for Last Comic Standing on Wednesday. She looks uncomfortable, so i hope, for her sake, Corbin decides to come early.

Well, i guess i need to stop babbling and get writing my thesis. Bye.

Here i Sit. . .

With wet hair and no make-up and in comfy clothes. I am going to write today. I am going to get a lot done. I look pretty ridiculous. I had tj help me move our dining room table into the living room, right in front of the TV. The desk in our living room nook was not big enough, nor comfortable enough. So now i have a table that is big and comfortable. I, of course, have my MacBook, my APA publication manual, my monstrous stack of index cards, my notebook, my binder, and my flash drive. Hopefully, i will get pretty close to finishing chapter 2. TJ keeps making fun of me for sitting in the middle of the living room at a table. He used to do the same thing when we lived in Whitehall and he had to correct a mountain of papers. Although, he is quick to point out that that was a card table. Big difference, i know.

Enjoy it While i Can

Tonight, i am enjoying life. I was out with good friends, ate tasty food, and laughed. I also learned quite a bit about hemorrhoids. . . i don't think i ever want to experience them. TJ and i also were able to behave on our weight watchers points. When we got home, we went online and figured out how many points we ate. Now, i am going to curl up and eat slow churned mint ice cream for three points. I was real tempted to have a TCBY mint chocolate chip ice cream cake, but by some miracle i was able to utter the word "no" or was it "know"

Speaking of homophones, i am working all day on my thesis tomorrow. I am so behind. I definitely need to dedicate a full day to it. I am going to enjoy my freedom tonight while i can. . . and my ice cream.

Grow Follicles, Grow!

My doctor's appointment wasn't as exciting as i had hoped, but i was optimistic--in spite of much historical evidence that i have that my ovaries probably wouldn't be ready. My right side is in the lead with some follicles, one measuring 9 mm. It needs to be about 20, i think. My left is trailing behind, like it normally does. It just has a couple tiny follicles. Stubborn, that's what they are. I am pushing up my dose to three vials of powder mixed with one liquid--that is 225 ius, unless my doctor changes it after looking at my blood. My next appointment is tuesday at 9. Thanks for the prayers. . . keep on praying. pleases!

My day is kinda screwy now. I woke up at 6 for my appointment this morning in G.R. Came home and took a nap. I am trying to get rid of this headache. Yesterday, TJ and i both successfully had one day of weight watchers. Tonight we are going out to eat with some friends, but i feel strong enough to not go crazy while there, stuffing my face full of tasty goodness. It kind of sucks because i can't go out anywhere for very long at night, due to my shots, but it will still be a good time.

I am totally late in turning in chapter 2 of my thesis. I cannot believe i am alright with that. I sent in the 21 pages that i have so far. I have so much more to write, just for chapter two. I am not sure when she is going to get the rest. I feel like i need a day off from it. I worked ALL day on it yesterday. I need to get away from it for a while and read it again to see if it makes any sense at all. I am nervous to hear back from my prof. Yikes! Well, i need to pick up the house a bit and maybe unpack from our short trip.

Taking a Break

I got into town yesterday, and felt very lethargic, definitely not in any state to write my second chapter of my thesis that is due today. In fact, we were both too tired to unpack. We just kind of sat around and napped. The visit was wonderful. I got to hang out with tj's side of the family and my side of the family- minus jason :( I had fun visiting a green house and spending a gift card, imagining what i am going to work on next with all my new scrapbooking items, making tasty strawberry freezer jam with gail and tj, listening to my grandma tell some stories. I guess when we got together to celebrate father's day and birthday, she said it was her farewell party. I walked into her spare bedroom to look at some old family photos. I imagined i would look again at photos i had seen a hundred times, but instead, my eyes fell to this unfamiliar photo.When i saw it, i immediately put my hand up to my mouth and started crying. Some things just do that to me. . . mostly when i am not expecting it. That is a picture of my mom, eight months pregnant with Jason, and my grandma getting ready to cook in the kitchen. It was their smiles that made me emotional. They both look so incredibly happy. I showed this picture to my grandma. She always says she misses my mom and then gets kind of upset and doesn't want to look at the picture anymore. When i say upset, i mean kind of angry at the unfairness of it all. She said they were good friends and that she loved my mom.

When i got home last night, i relaxed with a good book- For one More Day by Mitch Albom. I picked up this book, not knowing it was about this guy having one more day with his mom after she had died-- to talk with her, to listen to her, to enjoy her touches and her laugh. Ya, not the best book to read, i know, but i did anyway. Here are some lines i liked:

This is said while she is cooking him dinner (remember, he never thought he would have this opportunity and knows he won't have it again) "I had forgotten the small joy of listening to my mom talk about herself."

This is speaking to the reader- "I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart."

"I saw in her expression that old, unshakable mountain of concern. And i realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know."

Break is over. I am past the deadline. I am late and far behind.

My Daddy-o

Today, memories of doing the twist at daddy-daughter dances flooded my head. I distinctly remember one year i wore a hot pink and black stripped shirt and mini skirt with black tights and black boots. My dad got me a carnation, which i still have in a scrapbook. I remember doing the twist and dancing on dad's feet. I remember going to UofM games, tiger's games, and piston's games. I remember going grocery shopping with him at meijers. I remember helping him put up his Christmas tree. I remember buttered noodles, shrimp salad, and homemade pizza. I remember fishing (talking) out on Platte Lake. I remember going to the beach and playing games and going swimming. I remember building forts out of all the cushions at his union lake house. I remember going to Chicago with him. I remember visiting antique stores with him and learning about old things. I remember him coming to dreadfully long plays, talent shows, and violin concerts to watch me. I remember tubing behind his boat and swinging with him on the porch swing. I remember riding on the back of his motorcycle. I remember "i love a parade' and 'going to the fair'. I remember putting discarded hair back in his hairbrush (ha ha!). I remember visiting him at work and looking in the electronics room and sitting at his desk. I remember making precious treasures on my pottery wheel. I remember when his hanging plant fell on my head while i was sleeping. I remember playing in the hot tub, always scared i would get my hair stuck in the ever-sucking drain. I remember the letter he gave me on my wedding day. I remember him giving me my Chevette (death mobile) after i crashed into a bus with my other car. I remember him sending money to me at college. I remember his Lincoln town cars, old red pick-up, dodge pick up, saab, and various jeeps. . . sometimes we went off roading. I remember him coming to my mom's for Christmas breakfasts. I remember a surprise party for him. . . he rocked back and forth almost the whole time. I remember when he fell on the ice at my aunt's house while he was playing around with my brothers. I remember when he gave me a copy of Tuesdays with Morrie with a message in it to read it every ten years. I I remember giving me away at my wedding. I remember him going into the kitchen of a restaurant because jered said that's where the bathroom was. I remember dad wearing an embarrassing shirt to Jered's graduation to get back at jered for the previous memory.


I am so thankful for all those memories. I am so thankful that God gave me my dad. I have learned a lot from him--from his patience, his wisdom from his life experiences, his peaceful spirit, his sense of humor, and his love. Because of him, i have learned the importance of communicating, living a life of no regrets, and, most importantly, how to do the twist. I love you daddy-o.

Fishing out on Platte Lake

My dad with his dad sitting on the porch. . . my dad always faces the lake!

Me and dad in California

I love this picture of my relaxed dad

Dad holding his newborn-one-and-only daughter

Isn't he stylin'?

I just opened my Casio stereo from dad

Panera Bread

Here i am alone at Panera Bread. I have great goals for the afternoon. While sipping (gulping) mountain dew, i plan on reading books and chapters of books on my favorite topic. . . orthography (a.k.a. spelling) I also plan on taking notes while i am reading. When i get back into town after visiting the ellises, Sweets, and Michales, i plan on devoting my time to actually writing chapter two. Well, wish me luck. . . i am off to read. The tables are kind of filling up. . . i will try not to feel guilty. . . panera welcomes this with their free wi and their ac power right next to the tables.

Taking a Break

i have been doing so much reading the last couple hours, that i feel like i am going crazy. So, i took a break and took pictures of myself. It is so entertaining. At least i read outside and enjoyed the sunshine just a bit. Now i am back inside, hoping to get a lot read on orthography. Sounds fun, huh? Here are the pictures i took from my break. Hilarious! I think i need a longer break. I am off to water plants.

It's me again

I am disgusted again with my weight. i gained so much back and it is so hard not t be angry with myself. I feel as though i am trying to do too many things. . . get pregnant, get healthy, get masters. Stress makes me want to eat, so it is a real bad situation. I wish i had a friend or family member that lived close. . . that could walk with me and go to meeting with me. I need a kick in the butt, someone to hold me accountable and someone that i could encourage too. I need to start going back to weight watchers. I am just so tired of thinking about it. I need to get past my anger and get going on getting healthy again. I keep thinking to myself how low in weight i was and how little my pant size was and that makes me want to give up before even starting. i need to keep in mind that i am still lighter than i was before starting weight watchers. I can see the fat coming back in my face. I can feel it in my chin and neck, especially when i am looking down. My stomach is hitting tables again and i am out of breath way too easily again. I can feel it coming back and i hate it. Only people who go through this can understand it. I don't expect others to understand it. Sorry for my whining. I am just so frustrated.

TJ and i just came back from a bike ride. I love the feeling of the wind in my hair and getting somewhere quickly. Now we are going to watch a movie. I just got my first shot. Ouch! The doctors changed my medication to a more cumbersome sot. TJ has to become a little chemist and mix a powder with a liquid. First he has to measure out the liquid, then put the liquid into the powder jar and shake. Then take them both out together into a syringe and shoot me with a needle. I feel bad for TJ, but he feels bad for me and we both feel thankful for the other. It is all good. Please pray for us. . . that this works. . .that God would bless us with a child.

Happy Friday

Sleepiness

I don't know what is going on. Sleepiness overcomes me constantly today. I was reading and typing out research junk at Barnes and Noble, and i got so overcome with sleepiness. So, i left and got a bite to eat. Then when TJ and i returned home he is sleepy so he takes a nap. I have way too many articles to read so i go sit on the porch intending to get some major reading done, since i only got one read at the book store. I, again, got so sleepy i just couldn't keep my eyes open. I took a nap too. Now i am up (kind of) sitting with an article in my hand, and my lids get really heavy. AAHHH! Soon, we are going to go for a bike ride. Maybe that will wake me up, but then we are watching a movie. I cannot really read articles while watching a movie. This cannot keep happening to me.

While i was out

I ran up to Meijers and while i was out. . . tj played with my computer, more specifically he played with photo booth. Creepy!

Yikes

Here is the first of many old stories i rescued from an old floppy, while i still had a computer that would take a floppy. I am not saying that it was worth saving, but here it is regardless. I chose to share this one because i just finished watching season 2 disc four of 90210. I guess i better keep working and reading. 90210 was great to read to. Now i am watching How to Lose a guy in Ten Days. I think i have watched this at least 15 times. I better go water my love fern.

“Your Face is Going to Stick Like That”
By Lindsey Michael

My brother, ignoring the fact that my immature mind was in amazement at the sight of Miss Piggy on roller-skates, clicked the T.V. to channel 45 to watch the A-Team make more guns and kill more people. My brother always liked to watch the most unrealistic shows like the A-Team. At the thought of not being able to see Miss Piggy fall in love with Kermy at the end of the movie, a sneer slowly crept onto my face to be discovered for the first time. I ran to my mom’s room to tell her that Jered, my brother, was being a big meanie. My mother laid eyes on my sneer and at the first glance was silent, but then after many sneers, told me that my face would stick like that. At the first sound of these words, I would just sneer more and make more faces at her, but the more that she said my face would stick like that, the more I began to doubt my face muscles’ abilities to bounce back into place. I found myself occasionally running to the bathroom and locking the door, only to study my face in the mirror for any evidence of muscle stickage. I, of course, would never allow my mom to know that there was fear in my heart that her words held some truth.
A few years later, I was watching Brenda, Brandon, and the rest of the 90210 clan being so cool. My friend and I always called each other about the episode each week after the show ended. I made my way to the phone as soon as the credits began to scroll down my television screen, thinking to myself, “I can’t believe that Donna said that to Kelly, like what a brat.” I rounded the corner at the end of the hallway to find my brother on the phone. The now familiar sneer took over my face. Now I was forced to keep all my deep feelings about this week’s episode inside. I felt like I was going to explode, so I made sure that my brother saw my sneer.
Mostly my family was the main witness of this expression, but a teacher who asked me to speak in front of the class, or a waitress who placed inedible food in front of me at a restaurant would also be flashed this uncontrollable sneer. At times I would feel some regret, but most of the time I did not even realize that the sneer had found its way to my face again.
I soon discovered many other expressions that planted themselves on my face. My expressions grew from a variety of seeds within me. A smile would often replace my sneer to tell the tale of my inner happiness. The frustration, worry, and joy that lived inside of me quickly learned to transform themselves into an expression that can sit upon my face. I soon realized that my face will not stick at all because my emotions never will.

Many Posts

Today, as a way to avoid reading articles, i am probably going to blog a lot. I don't want to read articles. (Read the following like Veruca Salt would say it) I want to scrapbook. I want to scrapbook now.

Chapter 2 is due the 22 and i am going out of town next week for a little bit. I still need to read about 15 articles and books. Yikes! Then i need to actually write the monstrous thing.

But that is not why i sit at this computer right now. I sat down to share some pictures from my birthday hang out last night. You will be astonded with our good looks, thanks to photo booth.

My Birthday

I know that i am loved beyond what i probably can comprehend. Today, i just feel filled completely. Normally, i go out on my birthday for most of the day. This year however, i just went shopping in the morning and then hung out at home for the day, which means i was home to answer phone calls. I know people love me, but when the calls flood in and the mailbox is full, i just feel so warm inside. Life is good. I heard my granna and aunt carol sing the happy birthday song duet style. I chatted with jered about our new MacBooks. I talked with Mary about ovaries, Indians, drunk people and kids. I spoke with my dad about owning a house and watching hummingbirds. I heard Sarah's angelic version of the happy birthday song, although she didn't scare the crap out of me in bed, like i did her. I giggled at Marilee's and Sara's cards that arrived today. I am loved. What an awesome reminder.

Sarah and Nate are coming over for burgers, cheesy potato, mountain dew, and an ice cream cake. Yum. Then we are going to watch last comic standing. I am trying to finish up a scrapbook, so i worked on it a little bit today and i read some articles for my thesis, while sunning on the deck and typing notes on my laptop. I painted my toe nails pink and sat on the porch and watched hummingbirds flutter to our hanging baskets. I am off to get more done before this birthday comes to a close. It is going much too fast.

Soaking My Feet

There are two things i wanted to get done before my birthday (because i am a big freak!) First, I wanted to clean the house (i cannot imagine turning another year older in a dirty house). Second, i wanted to soak my feet and give myself a pedicure. I am now soaking my feet in a clean house. Life is good. I just found some treasures on some square hard things. . . i think they are called floppy disks. I found, rather saved, my creative writing from high school and college. Just the stuff that i did on a computer. Most of my writing was done in numerous journals and spiral bound notebooks. Some of my writing, as i was reading it ten years after writing it, surprised me. I was a wee bit angry at friends, family, or life. I guess that is typical, but i didn't realize at the time just how angry i was. I am glad i saved my writing before the few computers that have floppy drives die altogether and i am left with these square black things, but no way to read them. I think, with many disclaimers, i will post some of this writing, so that it will ever be safe on this thing called the internet. I did transfer my novice writing onto my flash drive, so that i wouldn't lose those feelings, those memories, those inaccurate pictures of how my life was. Some of the writing, i have to admit, might hurt some people, but i think it is beautiful how some of my anger and frustration was healed into full and awesome relationships. Some of it will embarrass the crap out of me, but i still feel the need to post it. Some of it i might actually keep the skeleton of the piece and make a lot of changes. Some of it will make me laugh at the absurdity of the situations i wrote about, but it was my life then, no matter how ridiculous. Well, on that note, i am going to scrub my feet now. The water is getting cool. I love this laptop. And, did i tell you? It came with a free ipod nano and printer, scanner, copier and we got an educators discount. Hooray!!!

Ding Dong the Cysts are Gone!

Ding dong the cysts are gone, the wicked cysts are gone. Our trip to GR was okay. I had a new nurse who was still "learning". She didn't know how to work the ultrasound machine, so at one point in time, i had three nurses crowding around me. But, it is over. My cysts are gone, which puts us at starting shots on friday and our next appointment on Saturday, June 23rd. A big surprise at the billing station. . . our huge amount of money that we thought was going to be due, magically disappeared. We are sure there is an explanation, but we didn't really want to investigate.

We went to panera for an early lunch and got the tastiest salad. Fresh mozzarella, tomato, rosemary focaccia, basil, red onion, and balsamic vinegar. Yum. Try it. It will make you happy.

When we got back i promptly took a nap. Both of us did in fact. I hate naps. I love the feeling of first getting into bed and relaxing, but i am so bad at actually getting up. I am still so groggy. I have so much to do. . . .maybe that wasn't the best decision for today. Well, in an attempt to wake up, i have a few calls to make and some caffeine to drink.

A Quick Update

So. . . here i am . . . outside on the deck. . . typing on my blog. Hmmmm. . . . could that mean?!! Well, yes. I am typing on my new birthday present (and then some) from TJ. . . my very own cute, powerful, handy, so me, white MacBook. I LOVE it so far. My favorite part is the dashboard because i can leave pink sticky post-it notes for myself on my desktop. Right now i have "Happy Birthday to me!" on it. I am also loving it because i just read, out on the deck, an article for my thesis and typed the cards out instead of write them out. Hooray. i do love birthdays. Well, i need to get back to work, but i thought i would share my happiness with anyone who reads this. I played around with photobooth. Here is some not so flattering picture it took! I also played around a bit with iphoto and imovie. I am going to be able to do a lot of neat things for the kids on it too.


An update on my ovaries. . . i have my screening ultrasound tomorrow at 9. That is where we make sure i don't have cysts and see and measure my ovaries and such. If i don't have ovaries then it will turn into a total question-asking session lead by me and TJ. Sounds fun, huh?

Productivity

I am getting a lot done on my mental to do list. I am shocked that this list remains mental this far into summer vacation, but i am sure it will soon be written down. And i am even more sure that i will write down the items i already got accomplished just so i can promptly cross them off. I cleaned out, vacuumed, and armoralled by beautiful Saturn. I love my car.

I also started clearing off our porch and putting the plants from school on it. We had a bunch of junk, nothing like a couch or anything, but things that looked cluttery. It now looks better. I watered our hanging baskets and now i am going to go weed the day lilies on the side of our garage.

Later we are going to the Starr's for a cookout. Yum!

I haven't started chapter 2 of my thesis yet and it is due June 22. I scrapbooked yesterday with some friends. One of them got their masters last year with the same professor. She said when she turned in her chapter one it got ripped apart. She had to turn it in three times. That totally made my day. She is someone that i totally respect and is super organized. It makes me feel good that mine was accepted first time through, but it also makes me very nervous for chapter 2.
I need to read about 20 articles that are sitting in a pile in our office. The thing is. . . there is a good possibility i might be getting a mac laptop. If that is the case, then i will not be handwriting all of my index cards. I tried typing the first batch on our desktop once, but it was very uncomfortable and didn't really work out. I have been writing them out by hand since then, which is fine. We are going to GR tomorrow to play with office a little bit to see if i can handle the differences on a mac. I am really impressed with some of the stuff the laptop comes with. . . like i can watch a DVD in the bedroom and it comes with a remote, i can record my students doing their johnny appleseed readers' theater and then do little things like credits and titles for when i play the move back for them and parents, i can do end of the year slide shows complete with sappy music, instead of just hooking the camera up to the tv, which is what i do now. One goal i totally would have if i got the apple is to write. I need to consciously set aside time to write. My good friend Yram has done this and is in the process of writing an unbelievable novel. I have always dreamed of writing a children's book. I have so many ideas swirling around in my head. Over years and years i have written very little in terms of children's stories. Setting is everything for me to get the creative juices flowing. A laptop would help me to go where i write best. TJ said it could be my birthday present and since he isn't taking a class this year it all works out to be the same price. It is one of those things. . . will i use it when we have kids? I think the answer would be yes because i wouldn't be tied to the back of the house when using the computer. I don't know. It seems so frivolous at times.

Some trivia i learned while waiting for our breakfast at Toast and Jams

• The blueberry jelly bean was created for Ronald Reagan
• 56% of the time you use your left hand for typing
• There are 293 ways to make $1.00 using change
• The strongest muscle in your body is your tongue
• The animal with the largest eyes is the giant squid
• Russia is the country with the greatest land area

Some of these i actually got correct!

Summer Decisions

I am not going to write a ton of reasons for why i deserve the next couple of months off. Although, many times i feel the need to defend my time off to non-teacher people. I am not going to bother with that. I don't think they even deserve an explanation. What i am going to do is let it sink in and rejoice (it may sound like bragging, but i truly promise it is not). It has not hit me yet that it is summer. Maybe because i need to go in tomorrow and do CA-60 files and clean up my room. Or maybe it is because i have a writing conference on Monday. Maybe it is because TJ goes until Friday. I am sitting and letting it just sink in. There will be no summer school this year. I will be free and i will do my best not to let the blahs get a hold of me. Blahs can come so easily after months of running around like crazy and then, suddenly, wham. . . nothing. I have plenty to do, but nothing i HAVE to do. Interesting. Although, i kinda HAVE to do my thesis or i wasted a lot of money. Chapter two is due the 22. I have decisions to make:

• Do i read thesis articles in the sun on the deck or in the shade on the porch?
• Do i spend a lot of money an an mac laptop because they are cool and i want one or do i not?
• Do i bike ride or take a long walk on the Montague- Hart bike trail?
• Do i scrapbook Jason's and Whitney's wedding or finish the scrapbook i am working on?
• Do i try to make enough Loopies by Lindsey for a craft show or do i keep it as fun?
• Do TJ and i go to Chicago, New York, or San Fran this summer?
• Do i plant creeping jenny or hens and chicks. . . or both?
• Do i start on my left foot or right foot when i give myself a pedicure?
• Do i sleep in until 8:30 or 9:00 every day?
• Do we drive Hellman's or Mars when we drive to visit dad and relax even more?
• Do i start with the hall closet or our bedroom closet when i clean them out?
• Do i wear 15SPF 0r 30 SPF when i go to the beach for the day?
• Do i go to Pekadils or a picnic lunch at the park?

Wow. . . such questions and decisions! I think i can handle these!! There are some goals i have that i want to get done before school starts that are school related, like redoing a literacy journal and changing my spelling program, but the point is. . . i can choose when i do those things. Summertime is calling my name. I hear it now.

High Heels

I wore high heels to school today. I love that strange sensation one gets after taking them off for the first time in 11 hours. I feel like my heels are sitting in a hole in the ground and my toes are pointing straight up. Weird. Not uncomfortable necessarily, just weird.

I won't be team teaching next year. :(

My finger is still numb and i am going to eat more cheesy potatoes.

I am enjoying the air conditioning right now. That is what i bought last year with my summer school money. No summer school money coming in this year. . . but, i do have my loopie money. It's not nearly as much, but i can still buy a little something. We are going to be spending a lot of money this summer and not making any. Yikes. I am still glad that there is no summer school for me. :)

I visited my friend's freshly painted nursery. There is something so sweet about nurseries. . . the crispness, the newness, the freshness, and the excitement that comes with them. I can't help but wonder what little person (starr) is going to sleep snuggly (at times) in that crib? What kind of personality will he have? What will the shape of his nose be? How will his eyes look? What new facial expressions will he be learning? What is he going to fear? What is he going to enjoy and be good at? What won't come easy for him? What will his first words be? I love nurseries.

Camp Pendaluaon

The only thing that got me through our extended school day at camp pendaluaon was knowing that i had cheesy potatoes to eat when i got home. I am sticky from bug spray, smelly from sweat and exhausted, but at least i didn't have any children go ballistic like last year. The constant bombarding of gnats flying into my eyes was enough to drive me crazy, but i survived. I either got stung by something or jammed my finger during canoing. The whole tip of my finger is completely numb. Weird. Mmmmm, cheesy potatoes. This i write later in the day, after this morning's scale reading and a promise to myself that i need to get back to healthy living. . . . cheesy potatoes there is no denying you.!

Life is Good

I have many items with the above phrase on it. I love that phrase because life is good. Is spite of all the crappy things, the hardships, the pain. . . life is good. It is a decision to believe that life is good. Anyway, i just finished a loopie by Lindsey for a girl at work. Her daughter has loved hers to pieces (or at least until all the satin ribbon has been rubbed raw). She carries it wherever she goes. She carries it by the purple satin loopie. When she was littler she would put it around her toes and drag it around on the floor. Now, however, she sees that it is far worthier than the floor and she carries it in her precious hand. I also have cheesy potatoes in the oven. Yum. The smell wafts through the air and makes my stomach growl and my mouth drool. I haven't had those in a long time. It didn't take me long to find the recipe. My brother gave me the original mom recipe framed for Christmas last year. I love it. It sits on the shelf in our kitchen. It is scrawled in her writing, and splotched in her kitchen. It looks like it has seen better days, and i know the truth. I miss her. I wish she could come over for some cheesy potatoes (only jason and jered can read those words 'cheesy potatoes' with the right intonation that they deserve. Jason did you start that??). The house is finally clean. The grass is mostly cut. The heap of laundry is no more. My pile of papers to correct has vanished and the school year is almost done. When that happens, i promise to eat better and to work on my thesis.

A Dusting We Will Go!

This is what i needed- a weekend home, free of thesis work. I was finally able to unpack from last weekend. The sun is giving me energy i need to finally clean our house. It is already looking so much better. TJ is working on projects outside. As i type, he is lining our driveway with paver things, so our grass doesn't shrink our driveway more and more every time we turn around. We also ordered our blocks for the gardens out back. I cannot wait!!! This is exactly what i needed.

Friday night we had a date night. It was wonderful. We went to Spiderman and then went to Hobo's for munchies, including their homemade peanut butter pie with Oreo crust. Saturday, i started getting rid of the piles that were scattered around the house and we went to a birthday party for the cutest little Noah. He turned one! It was great to see our friends again. It has been awhile.

There has been a lot of sleeping in, which feels unbelievable. And to think, we still have tomorrow!

Phew!

Last night i hit the send button to my professor and e-mailed the attachment that included chapter one of my thesis. I had this sudden feel of despair in the pit of my stomach. I was scared to open up the e-mail from her today. But i did a dance (literaly) after reading it. She said it was "really, really, good." Hooray!!!!! She went on to say that i was essentially done with chapter one (it is not abnormal to rewrite it or do some major tweaking) and that she doesn't need to see it again until the end. I think i need to celebrate! Maybe i will enjoy this long weekend after all!

More Pictures

More pictures. . . thanks to my dad again!

Feelings of Failure

For the most part, i think of myself as a good teacher. I actually consider the kids lucky that they have me as a teacher. I am fun. I am creative. I do a good job of teaching the material that needs to be taught. Sometimes, though i am reminded that this is not really reality. It hits me in the face. I haven't felt like a good teacher in awhile. There is a lack of pats on the back from administrators this year. There is a constant flow of things we need to be doing better, things we need to teach better, increasing the number of kids that we can reach. Teaching can be such an unsatisfying job. I realize that there are always things i can do better. There are things i want to try, things i want to improve in. But, i need to hear that i am doing some things right. That i am making a difference. My kids took the released fourth grade MEAP test as their third grade post test. This is after teaching my little heart out every day. . . after staying up late planning and correcting papers every night. . . after spending my Sundays preparing and trying to figure out the best way to teach a concept. . . and i got the results from the test today. My kids did terrible. I am also responsible for teaching reading to another teacher's kids. I am sure her kids will do just as bad. I know that this is the MEAP test. . . and not everything can be measured on this test, but i still feel like a failure. It makes me wonder why i spend so much time. Would they have done any worse, if i just treated my job like any other job? Would they have done any worse if i saved some energy for myself when i got home and for TJ? Would they have done any worse if i didn't use my nights and sundays? There has got to be another way. I can still picture the bar graph that has my name on it and shows how my kids did. I try to remind my self there is inappropriate grade level material on there, but that doesn't help because i am still responsible for it. Third graders are supposed to label their answer to an area question cm2 or square cm. They are supposed to infer, synthesize, and summarize. They are supposed to take a stand after reading a non-fiction and fiction selections and back up examples from both selections. They are supposed to know how many vertexes a hexagonal prism has. They are supposed to know metric and standard measurement for temperature, mass, capacity, and length. They are supposed to know expanded notation of numbers and if a story is in the format of cause and effect, sequential, problem/solution, enumerative, or descriptive. They are supposed to know parallel, perpendicular, rays, and line segments. My head hurts.

My jaw is beyond clinched. I am going on my fifth day of not being in my classroom and leaving everything up to a sub. I am not nearly done with chapter one of my thesis. It is due in a week. I am going out of town this weekend, when i am still trying to catch up on laundry and unpacking from last weekend. I feel in over my head and all i really want to do is pick up the phone and call my mom. That actual thought raced through my head yesterday for a split second, until i realized i couldn't. I have a music program thursday night. Just a little recognition would be good. I never realized i was filled by some kind words and was given the strength to move on by just a few words. I have writing assessments galore to correct and a bunch of work they did with the subs for the last four days.

We're back!

It didn't take long for my muscles to stiffen around my neck and for my stress level to return to normal once i got off the plane in Michigan. California was absolutely perfect. The wedding was beautiful, simple, meaningful, and perfect. And the reception was exciting. Jason got out his guitar and sang Whitney a song. They did the cutest dance. . . i never knew my brother had it in him. My mom was greatly missed. She would have loved it and been so proud of Jason. It was truly perfect. To finish the night, there was a bonfire with smores on the beach. I was exhausted so i headed back kind of early, but it still was nice.

I loved spending time with my family. Jered and Jason picked on me, but i really wouldn't expect anything different. Dad and TJ got in on it too. During Jered's toast he said to whitney, "welcome to the family. I finally have a sister i can be proud of." My jaw hit the ground.

The two of them just glowed. They always seem to when they are together. It was awesome to hear such good things about Jason from Whitney's family. I don't know how many times, people came up to me and told me wonderful things about Json and about how Jason makes Whitney feel. I think my dad said it well. . . you can tell they both respect each other. Their vows were beautiful.

It doesn't feel good to be back. Time was too short. i could have hung out for a long time and spent time in touristy kinds of spots, but i am glad that i was able to go. . . and to go with my dad and brother. I haven't uploaded my pictures yet. . . first i am going to take my memory stick to meijers, but i was able to steal some pictures from my dad's website. Thanks dad. :)

yes- that is the ocean behind my brothers. Isn't it picturesque.

Jason and Whitney wanted me to do a reading written by Rainer Maria Rilke. It fit perfectly with my views of marriage, so i was excited.

This is the view from our balcony. I sat out there with my dad quite a bit, sunned my legs, drank mountain dew and ate skittles. I used the hot tub and went for a very brief swim. After that i felt so relaxed and refreshed.

Holy cow!

I am so incredibly tired, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, and sad. I really don't have time to be sitting here doing this, but i need to or i will burst. For a week or so, my jaw has been clinched and i just have this tight felling in my chest. . . i have my thesis hanging over my head. Chapter one is due May 24th and before then i am going to san fran, teaching, having a music program at night, finish a sewing project, going to wixom for a baby shower and to visit family, and doing end of the year crap. My students are going to have a sub thursday, friday, monday, tuesday and a half day wednesday. I am going to san fran, having curriculum meetings and then placing kids into a fourth grade classroom. Not only do i have to write my first 10 pages of my thesis, but i need to do research to know what to write. I have been working non-stop at work to leave sub plans, and i have not gotten any planning time this week. . . so i really don't have anything planned for when i get back into town, and then i am going to have to make more sub plans. AAAHHH!


Okay i feel better now. i am hoping that when i sit down in the plane, all stress will disappear. I am sure that is not the case, but i might be relieved a little bit. I am bringing a few articles and books to read about spelling.

i deeply miss my mom. . . a student brought me a trillium the other day. After telling her that they are an endangered flower i turned my head and pulled myself together and wiped the tears from my eyes. My mom loved her trilliums. They would always show themselves before the ferns took over. They were (i am sure they still are) right on the edge of the woods in our backyard. One time, she found one deep in the woods and transplanted it. I thought she was going to go to jail. She waited each spring for hers to come up. They were truly cherished by her. Of course, she was greedy and wanted more, when there are people who long for just one. I miss her more than i ever thought i could miss someone. Mother's day is approaching and my brother is getting married. She would absolutely adore his soon-to-be wife. One because she is a cool person, two because she makes him really happy, and three he is his normal jason self with her.

Well, i won't write for a while. . . probably. I might need to relieve some pressure that has built up. I do feel better. I think i will make it.

And so it begins

I woke up at 7:00, two hours later than normal, to start my Thesis Day. It will be one of many days spent in front of the computer, book, or journal article - armed with a highlighter and sticky notes - notebook and a pen. My head hurts at the end of the day. . . mentally and physically. My head was bent down far too much today and my mind was filled with information, ideas and statistics about spelling in children's every day writing. I stopped at plumb's on the way home from work yesterday to supply myself with snacks. I knew there was no avoiding them, so i tried to make good choices. . . fiber one chocolate and oats granola bars, fat free potato chips, diet sunkist, carmel rice cakes, 100 calorie pack hostess cupcakes, and carrots. The problem with most of those things is they give me unbelievable gas. . . unbelievable in the amount, in the smell, and in the sound. Just ask TJ. I figured since i was home alone, it would be a fine thing. That must be why the cats hid from me all day. I actually got quite a bit done. I impressed myself. I have so much further to go, but i made a little dent. And i guess the first chapter, actually the first paragraph is the hardest thing to write. I am probably going to have to rewrite it several times, according to my prof, but at least i have written it once already. If i was at school today, i would have gotten nothing accomplished, especially since i had library, grade level meeting during lunch, and indoor recess. Yes, i think i made a good choice. . . and i was able to get a hold of my doctor. . . who was supposed to call me back today. I guess we will play phone tag for awhile, since i will be at school the remainder of the week. Chapter one is due May 24. . . YIKES!