For the last five weeks, i have spent a lot of time on the couch. That is just what you do with a newborn, whether i am nursing her 7 times around the clock or trying to calm her down so she can go to sleep or snuggle with her or playing with her. It all seems to be done in the living room.
The nice thing is that we have a DVR, so i can watch anything i want at anytime i want. I caught up on Grey's Anatomy by watching it at 3 in the morning while feeding Cami. I can pause it while we go change her diaper or stop it only to resume later when we both are ready to go back to bed. When she is this little, we watch TV. As soon as she becomes aware of it, it goes off until she is about 2. . . or when Jae is watching it. Yikes!
My latest show that i am watching is Intervention. Such sad stories. . . unbelievable at times. The person's past is often talked about as being normal, yet presently they are so out of control. I have cried during this show, i have had my jaw drop, and i have wondered. One reason i am so enthralled with the show is that i have never done drugs myself. I cannot believe what the drugs do to the people and to their families. I can't imagine losing custody of Jaely and Cami because i chose drugs over my children. I am not judging. It could happen to anyone. It could happen to Jaely. It could happen to Camryn. I pray daily it doesn't.
Like i said previously, i am watching this while taking care of Camryn. I cannot tell you how emotional it is to watch people go through such horrors while staring at your 5 week old daughter, while caressing her cheek, or feeling her fuzzy head. I have found myself praying continuously for our girls as i watch this show. Praying that they may have a deep relationship with God, praying for their decisions in life, knowing that ultimately it is their decisions. . .not mine or TJ's. Praying for their hearts. I have to trust that as we bring them up, we are instilling enough good in them so that eventually we can set them free and they make the right decisions for them.
It is so difficult to look at a five week old or a two year old and think about them one day being picked on, hurt, disappointed, or lied to, but i know they both will be (they will probably even do it to each other occasionally). I hope and pray that in the end they have the confidence, the role models and the relationships to guide them.
Spending time in the living room also makes me reminisce over past Christmases as our Christmas tree shines brightly. I think a lot about my mom. I now have a better grasp of her love for me and my brothers. I wish i could talk to her about it. Ask her how it felt when she knew we were getting picked on, or when we didn't make the team, or when we made bad choices. Ask her what she thought as she held her tiny babies. We could talk about that deep love that exists between a mother and child. I could ask her when i stopped believing in Santa, what she told us when we asked how santa got in our house without a fireplace, and when did she get a chance to Christmas shopping without her three kids. This Christmas is a celebration, of course. A celebration of Jesus. A celebration of family. . . with a new addition this year. :) Yet at the same time, it is a time to remember GG. . . it will be our first Christmas without her. It already feels weird. And i know how gail must be feeling. I have been there. I am not sure if it gets easier around this time of year. We will remember Grandma Shirley & Grandpa Bud opening packages so slowly you wanted to go up to him and tear the paper right off his presents. We will remember Grandpa Howell. . . he would have loved to meet his great grandchildren. I will remember my mom especially. . . how truly excited she would become as her kids gathered around her at Christmas, coming home to visit. She would greet us with a kiss a hug and a dance around the kitchen as she wore a long velour robe. I remember helping make Christmas cookies and wrapping presents. I remember decorating the christmas tree all by myself and having to hang the homemade ornaments in the back of tree. I remember untying a candy cane a day off of the homemade things that hung from the cupboard. I remember setting up the tiny nativity scene in my bedroom and putting the candles in all the windows and hanging the stocking from the bookcase on our angel, snowman, or santa clause stocking hangers. I remember after opening presents we would have Chrisrmas brunch. . . my mom would plan such a menu. I remember my mom having to make coffee before the opening of presents could begin. I remember her themes, her laugh, her excitement, her cooking and her nagging.
We will remember the past and celebrate the present as we pray for the future. May God protect the hearts of our Camryn and Jaelynne.
