"Hope is the Thing with Feathers. . . "

-Emily Dickinson
It is hard for me to remain unbiased. I sure feel pregnant, but the feelings have more to do with all my shots than with the actual hormones that being pregnant releases. I even look pregnant. . . my ovaries are over stimulated by all the shots and grew huge follicles that are pushing my tummy way out. The pressure and bloattiness is even giving me heart burn. I actually feel like i am waddling and none of my clothes are fitting and i am uncomfortable. Bending down has become an obstacle. But again, i have to remind myself that that is the result of a month of shots. If i am pregnant, i won't feel it for quite some time. I won't know for awhile either.

Of course i am hopeful. . . over hopeful? Perhaps. Since this was the second round and Jaely was created on the second round, i am hopeful. Since i had four follicles that were ready to drop an egg and i had three waiting in the shadows that were so close to being mature that the nurse wanted to give me my trigger shot right there in the office, i am hopeful. Scared to death of multiples (and a wee bit excited), but hopeful.

If my optimism guides me down a path that turns out to be incorrect, i will be devastated. . . just be warned. I want this time to work. I want to have a baby before Jaelynne gets too old. . . before i get too old. I don't want to face all the shots and appointments again- for awhile anyways. We are ready (ready as can be, anyways). Honestly, it does scare us to add a human to the mix of our chaos, financial situation, and exhaustion, but at the same time, it just seems right.

I won't know for awhile, which means you won't know for even longer. But, please pray. . . if you are the praying type. And if my optimism is leading me incorrectly, pray for my response and reaction. I will need it.

Our Home

There is just something about it. I know it isn't the largest square feet, or filled with the nicest granite, or has space for a buffet in the dining room, but there is just something about our home that i just love. I love how warm it feels, especially during this season. I love how filled with love it is. . . how full of laughter and giggling it can be and then how silent and peaceful it can be. I love the hand smudges on the beveled glass of the front door, the old wooden rocker sitting by the tree, our dinning room table, the height marks on the white wall from Jaely when she was one year and a year and a half, the beautiful appliances that make our lives easier, the tile in the laundry room that has tiny pink boots drying on them, the pictures hanging on the walls that are proof that my memories are true, the lighted swoops on our wonderful front porch, our peaceful & uncluttered bedroom with our soft, cozy bed, and the ever changing rooms in our house that transform themselves based on our needs (white room with my old furniture from childhood, red office, red guest room, nursery equipped with newborn things, and Jaely's big girl room).

I love our home. I enjoy being in it. I am able to relax in it. I love pulling into the driveway and kissing my husband and hearing my daughter squeal with delight. I love watching TJ cook in the kitchen, jaely eat bubbles in the bathtub, Abby sleep on the back of our overstuffed chair, the Christmas tree aglow, and the village seemingly bustling with activity.

I am so thankful for the love and the warmth that fills our home.
Jaelynne's first Christmas ornament from my dad.
I love hanging these two red sleds together. . . check out the dates on them.
Jaelynne's first moose ornament from last year.
Our first Christmas together. . . this is our engagement picture

This year's solution for a lack of fireplace. . . someday we will have one in our basement. My village that brings me so much joy and peace. . . it just makes me feel cozy.

A Santa i can remember for as long as i can remember Christmases. My mom made it. I admit it is a little frightening and a little yellowed (he was a smoker at one point in his life), but i love him just the same.

My Swedish Angel that belonged to my grannaJaelynne's Room- a little sparse, but we are getting there.

When Jaelynne found this owl up above her door, she giggled and pointed and talked to him.
Her tree that i slapped up way too fast. . .
I found this at Hobby Lobby. . . i am in great need of tacks. . . i know i have some somewhere.
Every night when i pick jaely up off of her changing table, she points to the letters of her name on the wall. The first time it wasn't there she was so confused. They now hang above her bed (you can hardly see them in this picture).

Nothing Beats It

When i got home from school today, i was greeted by my beautiful daughter. She came out of the house and onto the porch with her new green purse swung over her shoulder as it overflowed with Fisher Price little people. She had her smile. . . the one that her cheeks push up in her eyes, turning them into crescent moons. She opened and closed her palm up in the air and said "i, i, i " (hi, hi, hi). I love all the little squeals that escape her lips. Once inside, i got settled into my jammy pants and grabbed my string cheese to nibble on while i played with Jaely.

Jaely climbed up onto the overstuffed chair and patted for me to sit next to her. She smiled her sweet smile. I sat down, knowing full well what she wanted. Our cheese sharing has become quite the daily event. I sat down, squeezing between her and the arm of the chair. She immediately signed "please" meaning "can i please have a piece of the scrumptious string cheese?". She giggled as i tore the first piece and handed it to her. Before she was done chewing it, she signed "please" again. This continued until the whole string cheese was gone.

What a perfect moment. . . sharing my cheese with my daughter as we cuddled in the chair. It really doesn't get much better than that.

Unexpected Disappointment

I took a pregnancy test twice this week. On my "month of rest" the doctor said that it is entirely possible for me to get pregnant. With all the drugs left in my system my ovaries might decide, after all, to ovulate. When i heard this, i fully doubted my ovaries would do their thing, but as it closer, i got excited. Maybe i could get pregnant.

The test was negative. . . both times. As i am waiting for the results, i thought that it would be a miracle if i am pregnant. But, i also know God could make miracles happen. I could hear myself telling people that it was a total God thing. . . i never ovulate on my own. I got excited as i washed my face, still waiting for the results. Already figuring out the time that the baby would be born.

But, it was negative.

First more pills to get me to ovulate- that can take awhile. More shots and appointments after appointments. More sub plans and never knowing when i am going to need them. More waiting. I just don't know if i have it in me. Jaely just gets older and so do i.

I know that God's timing is the best. Sometimes it is just difficult to understand and accept.

I guess i just didn't expect to get disappointed. I didn't expect to expect to get pregnant. But as soon as i bought those tests, my heart did a little flutter. I had to see a negative result before the doctors would refill my prescription. I had to get them. No matter how many times i told myself that i am not pregnant, deep (maybe not that deep as an optimist) i thought that there was a chance.

Here we go again.

High Hopes

I have great expectations for this weekend. . . i should probably adjust them for fear of failure, but there is just so much i need to do and so much i desire to do. I bought a ton of fabric last night when i was with jaely. I hope to make a lot of loopies. My basket at work is almost empty and i keep selling them. I have a boy one sold as soon as i make it and i know someone else will know which color to buy in a week. I also need to make one for an auction for charity. Before i can make all the loopies, i need to cut the fabric. I already washed it, but cutting it is the most time consuming.

I want to clean the house.
I want to sleep. . . a lot.
I want to carve jaelynne's pumpkin with her. I carve while she plays in the gunk.
I want to dress her up in her chicken outfit.
I want to spend time with TJ.
I want to be with Jaely- so i can get so quality time with her and to relieve TJ a bit.
I want to get Jaely feeling good.
I want to help my husband get over his cold
I need to do laundry
I need to wake up with Jaely tomorrow so TJ gets a day to sleep in.
I need to delete pictures off the camera before it gets way out of hand
I need to correct a ton of papers
I need to fill out notes on students for conferences
I need to catch up on my DVR watching.

I even had big plans for tonight. I was going to cut all the fabric. I went downstairs to, only to come up in 10 minutes. I am too tired. When i came up stairs, TJ was snoring on the couch. . . and still is!

It is hard shuffling between jaely's naps and her bedtime. I just can't get it all done.

Eight years ago today

At this time eight years ago, i was sipping my first chai. My mom was just leaving my apartment. My friends Mary and Sarah were going to spend the night, so that in the morning we could start getting ready for the wedding. Everything was done. . . and it was just time to relax with some friends in my too big of an apartment for one, but soon to be for two. My button down shirt ready to go in the morning. All the stuff already packed in the car. Mary was my designated driver in the morning, as i didn't know how i was getting from place to place. Everything was ready. . . just time to relax and wait.

Wait for TJ to become my husband.
Wait for me to be married.
Wait for all the planning and all the money to be done in just a few hours.

I remember not feeling nervous, but just so excited.

We have grown up so much in the last eight years. I seriously could not imagine sharing my life with anyone else. TJ brings out the best in me. He makes me a better person. He cherishes me, respects me, makes me laugh till i cry, understands me, wants me, takes care of me, rubs my head, knows when i need a hug, leaves me love notes, buys me treats, challenges me to think differently and to be a better person, encourages me, supported me when my mom died -more than he will ever know, tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me, dreams with me, finds me attractive, and cheers me on in life.

I thank God every day for giving me TJ.
I love you, RR.

Blah!

Apparently, all of my many follicles filled with liquid and turned to cysts. No exercise, no jumping or running, pouncing or prancing for two weeks while we wait for these things to go down. And then, i have to "rest" a month before we start another round of shots. Could be a month, could be two.

Blah.

I am not a big fan of my body. . .nor am i a fan of my big body.

My Simpson's Character. . .

Arg.

I guess i had my hopes up more than i thought. . . in the back of my mind i was thinking "oh, maybe i even pregnant with twins". I know, strange. Some people imagine the worst and are perpetually pseeimistic, but it is almost as though i imagine the best and get carried away with it.

So i woke up at gail's this morning, and got a sign that i am indeed not pregnant. I crawled back into bed (jaely sleeping away) and cried at the disappointment. I really wanted to have a June baby so TJ and i would have all summer home with the baby (ies???), but God has other plans. His plans worked out for Jaelynne, so i guess i should trust him with this one too.

When TJ rolled over in bed, i told him. He hugged me and we just lay in the silence in each other's arms. More doctor appointments and mood swings, shots and sub plans, bloating and dizziness, unromantic "timed intercourse" and the waiting.

If round two doesn't work than it is more test for both TJ and i. It should work. . . it will work.

Until then, i guess i will enjoy my caffeine and occasional use of illegal drugs (jk)

Last Month & Today

As i was driving home form work this afternoon, i was thinking about how different my life is today than it was a year ago. . . than a month ago.

Last month i was changing diapers. Today i am changing my students' seats. (Haven't touched a diaper in awhile.)

Last month i was reading to jaely in my lap. Today i was reading to 27 sets of eyes.

Last month Jaely was a little tired of me. Today, she squealed with delight and waved to me out of the windowwhen i pulled in the driveway .

Last month i was telling jaely that a tantrum won't help her get her way. Today i was telling an EI student that a tantrum won't help get her way.

Last month i saw jaely by 8 every morning. Today i didn't see her until 4:30.

Last month i changed jaely out of her pee soaked jammies. Today, i sent a child to the nurse to get out of his pee soaked shorts.

Last month Jaely sneezed on my bare leg and i laughed as she laughed. Today a student sneezed on my arm. . . and i went to get the purell.

Last month i craved conversation and interaction. Today, my throat is raw and sore from all the talking.

Last month i often found the quiet too quiet. Today the loud was so loud.

Last month i could say i know my daughter inside and out. Today. . . not so much.

Last month i spent 12 hours a day with jaelynne. Today i saw her for 2 and a half.

Last month i was cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and hanging with jaely. Today, i called parents, taught my butt off. planned lessons and corrected papers. (TJ has successfully picked up the slack!)

Last month i was teaching jaely how to put her shirt on. Today i whispered to a student that her shirt was on backwards.

Last month i didn't wear make-up. Today i did.

Last month i didn't make any money. Today i did. :)

Last month i missed seeing my friends at work. Today i ate and laughed with them in the lounge.

Last month i had to tell jaely to be careful when she crawled under the table. Today i had to coax a student from under the table.

Last month, Jaely was my alarm clock. Today i got up at 5:15 to an annoying beeping.

Last month, both TJ and i were enjoying our summer off as teachers. Life is a bit different now. And although we are still trying to figure things out, things are coming together. We were pleasantly surprised by the amount of TJ's pay check. Jaely seems to be liking daycare. She plays outside all the time and loves to be with other kids. I am finally making money. I have been getting most of my work done before school starts. TJ has been doing his at night. He has been taking jaely all kinds of places in the morning. . .the park, farmers market, Target, meijers, and for walks. She has been napping at daycare for an hour and sleeping in for the most part.

I am adjusting. I miss my daughter and feel like i am missing her little changes, but i am relieved to know she is mostly with her papa. I am stressed and tired, but good. Glad i have a job. Thankful for a healthy daughter and husband. It is killing me to miss jaely's 18 month checkup on Monday. I could take a sick day for it, but i am going to need those later.

This is our life. Different, but awesome. Busy, but satisfying. Life is good.

High School Sweetheart

Montana 1995

Sometimes i am reminded, like when i pull on my worn-out champion sweatshirt that used to be TJ's when he was in high school, that i married my high school sweetheart. It seems hard to believe that our paths crossed at such a young age. At an age when there was still so much growing and learning ahead of us. At a time when we didn't fully know who we were as individuals, let alone a couple.

But God does amazing things.

That young couple, just kids then, really, would someday put their daughter down for bed, buy a house, get teaching jobs, cook steaks with carmelized onions on a saturday night, support each other in the loss of a mom, grandmas and grandpas, laugh till they cried at The Office, and be so in love with each other.

When i am reminded of how young we were, at how little our world was then, it amazes me that such a deep love filled with trust, passion, and communication can come about.

Prom- 1996

God has plans.

We both did a lot of changing, a lot of growing up, and a lot of questioning. . . but somehow we did it at the same rate, or the same way, or maybe we just gave each other room to figure out who the other person was on their own. Going away to college was the best thing we did. . .it made us grow up, figure out who we were and build a relationship on trust and communication. We always had to communicate. . .long nights on the phone, e-mail, and letters (TJ got almost one a day from me for a couple years!)

At any rate, i am blessed. My husband rocks and it is so incredible to have so much history together.

I think i will go eat my steak with caramelized onions now. I don't know what brought this on. . .

Gradutaion- 1996 (i graduated a year before TJ)

Week One

I know it will improve once i get in my groove. I am confident in that, but it is getting to that point that has me a bit uneasy. I went from knowing every facial expression, every morsel of food, every new and tiny change of jaely's to having to ask "is this new?"

It makes me even more thankful that i took that year off. . . and it makes me even more grateful that although i might not be seeing all the little things that go on her in everyday life, her papa still is. TJ has been amazing at keeping me updated with the little changes and events. He doesn't seem to get annoyed with my questions. He is really putting thought into what to dress jaely in because he knows it is important to me that she looks cute. He really could care less about what she wears. He is an amazing dad.

I went from being with her non-stop all day and into the early evening, to just being with her in the early evening. . . and when i am, i am so tired. And she is a tad grumpy at times! But she does seem to give me energy. I am so glad that the bulk of her day is with her papa, but i am a little bummed that she sees Miss Amber more than her mama. I just keep smiling knowing that she is in good hands, whether she is with her papa or Miss Amber. . . and knowing i get weekends and summers helps.

We feel like jaely is already talking more since being around other kids. She is learning to run. . . yikes! And she enjoys being chased (until she falls into the corner of a door frame, then. . .not so much) She is signing for the word bath by beating her chest (she is supposed to move her hands up and down on her chest, but hey, it is close enough for us). She also signs for the word more. TJ says she now says hello and she is waving goodbye more often. She still turns her head away from me when i pucker up for a kiss and snuggles down on my shoulder right before going down to bed.

I wonder what i will miss by working.
I am gaining a lot from working again, but sometimes the sacrifice doesn't seem worth it. . . other times it seems like the right thing to do.

I will get the hang of it. I am just so glad that i stayed home for a year.

Classroom Chair

I guess you could say i got inspired. I needed a new chair for my classroom. So i went downstairs and found a pile of chairs. . . took one.

Painted it blue. . . and painted a piece of cheese on it.

I am happy with it.

Bye, Bye Red Room

By far the most beloved color in our house is the deep red of the guest room. When we first moved in, we painted almost every room a deep shade of color. Starting with our bedroom, a nice tranquil two coat sage green. Our purple master bathroom. Blue second bathroom and lastly our red office (at the time- turned guest room a little before jaely's arrival). It took seven coats to paint that room. We had never heard of tinted primer, obviously.

I can't really describe this red, and pictures don't capture it correctly. It is deeper than brighter and more brickish than fire enginish. We both LOVE it.

It is time to repaint it as jaely's big girl bed is going to be delivered soon. She won't sleep in it for a very long time, but we thought it was a great time to paint it- we have no newborn to worry about at the time, i am not pregnant so i have some energy to help, jaely's bed will be delivered soon, and we want to have plenty of time for her to get used to the room before she has to be used to the room.

The bedding that i found almost a year ago won't even come close to looking good with red walls. Sometime in the future our guest bedroom/office downstairs will be red. . . but until then we will be grieving the lose of the red. I still have the paint chip, so we should be alright for the future.

Bye Red. . . you will be missed.