I Cried

I cried this morning, rather expectantly.  It just sneaked up on me and caught me off guard while I was busily getting ready for the party today.  It hit me that 5 years ago today, I was carrying around 14 pounds of baby and anxiously awaiting their arrival.  We always said we were 'prepared not to be prepared."  How can you be?  Babies are miraculous, complicated, and emotion making responsibilities.  You can't be prepared for that.

And now, already 5 years later, here they are.  No more toddlers toddling around.  No more bottles, squishy diaper butts, high chairs, crawling, drooling, up in the middle of the nights.  It's all gone.  While in the midst of all that, the sleep deprived days were so very long, yet the years were/are so very short.  My babies have grown up.  No more babies. It makes me sad, but at the same time, so proud of their independence.  Five. years. old. 

Wow.

So, I cried.  I cried in remembering their squishy diaper butts and the smell of their sweet hair.  I cried thinking about all the milestones they have already reached- walking, talking, riding a bike, writing, and dreaming of the ones they will hit in the future.  I cried because my mom should have been at this party celebrating her grandsons.  I cried because there are two of them and wanting to make it special for each boy.  I cried with an overwhelming feeling of being so incredibly blessed- a husband who is a true partner and teammate and doesn't roll his eyes at an idea like a monster truck watermelon, two daughters who are so unbelievable, and two boys who make me a better person and a better mom.  I cried out of guilt, knowing that I was a little harsh on the little monsters that were making messes faster than I could clean up.  I made it a goal for the next get together to be more aware of that and a little less uptight about it.  I cried out of joy, out of letting go, and out of blessings.