Reclaiming My Confidence

It's crazy to me how carrying around a lot of excess weight, weighs you down in more ways than one.  When I gain weight, my confidence gets swallowed up and cowers in the midst of me.  I know it's there somewhere, but the anxiety, fear, doubt, and negative wonders overpower it.  I notice my cowering confidence in social settings, like when I meet new people.  Or, when i am in a restaurant wondering if i can squeeze between tables to get to our table or if I can fit comfortably in a booth.  I notice it with colleagues, wondering if I am hiding my rolls even a little bit and losing confidence in speaking up.  I notice it with my family, wondering if Jaely realizes yet that she has a "fat" mom and wondering if she is at the age yet where she will be embarrassed to have me meet her new friends.  I notice my cowering confidence when TJ wraps his arms around me for a kiss.  I especially notice it in front of my students as they stare at me all day long, wondering what they may say about me on the playground or if they will use me as an example of an adverb again and say "Mrs. Ellis walked fatly across the classroom." I know it sounds like I think people watch me and talk about me all the time.  I'm really not self-centered, at  least I don' think! I know that is not the case.  I know it is a mental issue, but whatever it is, it is real

The thing is I know that with the weight gain, my confidence suffers.  I know that i feel so much better when i eat better, but sometimes it just takes the right something to flip a switch in your mind and to do something about it.  I am so glad that happened. . . again, but this time, I am hoping to change and mold my mind and habits differently.

I cannot begin to explain the happiness and confidence i feel with 40 pounds gone.  I smile more.  I have more energy.  I have confidence, not cowering, but proud.  And, it's not the kind of confidence that thinks I am all that, it is the kind of confidence of being happy with who I am and knowing that what I say is important and matters.  It is a wonderful feeling to be able to slip pants on that you haven't worn in a long time, to go out to a store and try things on just because you want to see what new size you are, and to spring out of bed anxious to step on the scale or take measurements and start drinking water.