"Hope is the Thing with Feathers. . . "

-Emily Dickinson
It is hard for me to remain unbiased. I sure feel pregnant, but the feelings have more to do with all my shots than with the actual hormones that being pregnant releases. I even look pregnant. . . my ovaries are over stimulated by all the shots and grew huge follicles that are pushing my tummy way out. The pressure and bloattiness is even giving me heart burn. I actually feel like i am waddling and none of my clothes are fitting and i am uncomfortable. Bending down has become an obstacle. But again, i have to remind myself that that is the result of a month of shots. If i am pregnant, i won't feel it for quite some time. I won't know for awhile either.

Of course i am hopeful. . . over hopeful? Perhaps. Since this was the second round and Jaely was created on the second round, i am hopeful. Since i had four follicles that were ready to drop an egg and i had three waiting in the shadows that were so close to being mature that the nurse wanted to give me my trigger shot right there in the office, i am hopeful. Scared to death of multiples (and a wee bit excited), but hopeful.

If my optimism guides me down a path that turns out to be incorrect, i will be devastated. . . just be warned. I want this time to work. I want to have a baby before Jaelynne gets too old. . . before i get too old. I don't want to face all the shots and appointments again- for awhile anyways. We are ready (ready as can be, anyways). Honestly, it does scare us to add a human to the mix of our chaos, financial situation, and exhaustion, but at the same time, it just seems right.

I won't know for awhile, which means you won't know for even longer. But, please pray. . . if you are the praying type. And if my optimism is leading me incorrectly, pray for my response and reaction. I will need it.

Our Home

There is just something about it. I know it isn't the largest square feet, or filled with the nicest granite, or has space for a buffet in the dining room, but there is just something about our home that i just love. I love how warm it feels, especially during this season. I love how filled with love it is. . . how full of laughter and giggling it can be and then how silent and peaceful it can be. I love the hand smudges on the beveled glass of the front door, the old wooden rocker sitting by the tree, our dinning room table, the height marks on the white wall from Jaely when she was one year and a year and a half, the beautiful appliances that make our lives easier, the tile in the laundry room that has tiny pink boots drying on them, the pictures hanging on the walls that are proof that my memories are true, the lighted swoops on our wonderful front porch, our peaceful & uncluttered bedroom with our soft, cozy bed, and the ever changing rooms in our house that transform themselves based on our needs (white room with my old furniture from childhood, red office, red guest room, nursery equipped with newborn things, and Jaely's big girl room).

I love our home. I enjoy being in it. I am able to relax in it. I love pulling into the driveway and kissing my husband and hearing my daughter squeal with delight. I love watching TJ cook in the kitchen, jaely eat bubbles in the bathtub, Abby sleep on the back of our overstuffed chair, the Christmas tree aglow, and the village seemingly bustling with activity.

I am so thankful for the love and the warmth that fills our home.
Jaelynne's first Christmas ornament from my dad.
I love hanging these two red sleds together. . . check out the dates on them.
Jaelynne's first moose ornament from last year.
Our first Christmas together. . . this is our engagement picture

This year's solution for a lack of fireplace. . . someday we will have one in our basement. My village that brings me so much joy and peace. . . it just makes me feel cozy.

A Santa i can remember for as long as i can remember Christmases. My mom made it. I admit it is a little frightening and a little yellowed (he was a smoker at one point in his life), but i love him just the same.

My Swedish Angel that belonged to my grannaJaelynne's Room- a little sparse, but we are getting there.

When Jaelynne found this owl up above her door, she giggled and pointed and talked to him.
Her tree that i slapped up way too fast. . .
I found this at Hobby Lobby. . . i am in great need of tacks. . . i know i have some somewhere.
Every night when i pick jaely up off of her changing table, she points to the letters of her name on the wall. The first time it wasn't there she was so confused. They now hang above her bed (you can hardly see them in this picture).

Nothing Beats It

When i got home from school today, i was greeted by my beautiful daughter. She came out of the house and onto the porch with her new green purse swung over her shoulder as it overflowed with Fisher Price little people. She had her smile. . . the one that her cheeks push up in her eyes, turning them into crescent moons. She opened and closed her palm up in the air and said "i, i, i " (hi, hi, hi). I love all the little squeals that escape her lips. Once inside, i got settled into my jammy pants and grabbed my string cheese to nibble on while i played with Jaely.

Jaely climbed up onto the overstuffed chair and patted for me to sit next to her. She smiled her sweet smile. I sat down, knowing full well what she wanted. Our cheese sharing has become quite the daily event. I sat down, squeezing between her and the arm of the chair. She immediately signed "please" meaning "can i please have a piece of the scrumptious string cheese?". She giggled as i tore the first piece and handed it to her. Before she was done chewing it, she signed "please" again. This continued until the whole string cheese was gone.

What a perfect moment. . . sharing my cheese with my daughter as we cuddled in the chair. It really doesn't get much better than that.

Unexpected Disappointment

I took a pregnancy test twice this week. On my "month of rest" the doctor said that it is entirely possible for me to get pregnant. With all the drugs left in my system my ovaries might decide, after all, to ovulate. When i heard this, i fully doubted my ovaries would do their thing, but as it closer, i got excited. Maybe i could get pregnant.

The test was negative. . . both times. As i am waiting for the results, i thought that it would be a miracle if i am pregnant. But, i also know God could make miracles happen. I could hear myself telling people that it was a total God thing. . . i never ovulate on my own. I got excited as i washed my face, still waiting for the results. Already figuring out the time that the baby would be born.

But, it was negative.

First more pills to get me to ovulate- that can take awhile. More shots and appointments after appointments. More sub plans and never knowing when i am going to need them. More waiting. I just don't know if i have it in me. Jaely just gets older and so do i.

I know that God's timing is the best. Sometimes it is just difficult to understand and accept.

I guess i just didn't expect to get disappointed. I didn't expect to expect to get pregnant. But as soon as i bought those tests, my heart did a little flutter. I had to see a negative result before the doctors would refill my prescription. I had to get them. No matter how many times i told myself that i am not pregnant, deep (maybe not that deep as an optimist) i thought that there was a chance.

Here we go again.

High Hopes

I have great expectations for this weekend. . . i should probably adjust them for fear of failure, but there is just so much i need to do and so much i desire to do. I bought a ton of fabric last night when i was with jaely. I hope to make a lot of loopies. My basket at work is almost empty and i keep selling them. I have a boy one sold as soon as i make it and i know someone else will know which color to buy in a week. I also need to make one for an auction for charity. Before i can make all the loopies, i need to cut the fabric. I already washed it, but cutting it is the most time consuming.

I want to clean the house.
I want to sleep. . . a lot.
I want to carve jaelynne's pumpkin with her. I carve while she plays in the gunk.
I want to dress her up in her chicken outfit.
I want to spend time with TJ.
I want to be with Jaely- so i can get so quality time with her and to relieve TJ a bit.
I want to get Jaely feeling good.
I want to help my husband get over his cold
I need to do laundry
I need to wake up with Jaely tomorrow so TJ gets a day to sleep in.
I need to delete pictures off the camera before it gets way out of hand
I need to correct a ton of papers
I need to fill out notes on students for conferences
I need to catch up on my DVR watching.

I even had big plans for tonight. I was going to cut all the fabric. I went downstairs to, only to come up in 10 minutes. I am too tired. When i came up stairs, TJ was snoring on the couch. . . and still is!

It is hard shuffling between jaely's naps and her bedtime. I just can't get it all done.

Eight years ago today

At this time eight years ago, i was sipping my first chai. My mom was just leaving my apartment. My friends Mary and Sarah were going to spend the night, so that in the morning we could start getting ready for the wedding. Everything was done. . . and it was just time to relax with some friends in my too big of an apartment for one, but soon to be for two. My button down shirt ready to go in the morning. All the stuff already packed in the car. Mary was my designated driver in the morning, as i didn't know how i was getting from place to place. Everything was ready. . . just time to relax and wait.

Wait for TJ to become my husband.
Wait for me to be married.
Wait for all the planning and all the money to be done in just a few hours.

I remember not feeling nervous, but just so excited.

We have grown up so much in the last eight years. I seriously could not imagine sharing my life with anyone else. TJ brings out the best in me. He makes me a better person. He cherishes me, respects me, makes me laugh till i cry, understands me, wants me, takes care of me, rubs my head, knows when i need a hug, leaves me love notes, buys me treats, challenges me to think differently and to be a better person, encourages me, supported me when my mom died -more than he will ever know, tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me, dreams with me, finds me attractive, and cheers me on in life.

I thank God every day for giving me TJ.
I love you, RR.

Blah!

Apparently, all of my many follicles filled with liquid and turned to cysts. No exercise, no jumping or running, pouncing or prancing for two weeks while we wait for these things to go down. And then, i have to "rest" a month before we start another round of shots. Could be a month, could be two.

Blah.

I am not a big fan of my body. . .nor am i a fan of my big body.

My Simpson's Character. . .

Arg.

I guess i had my hopes up more than i thought. . . in the back of my mind i was thinking "oh, maybe i even pregnant with twins". I know, strange. Some people imagine the worst and are perpetually pseeimistic, but it is almost as though i imagine the best and get carried away with it.

So i woke up at gail's this morning, and got a sign that i am indeed not pregnant. I crawled back into bed (jaely sleeping away) and cried at the disappointment. I really wanted to have a June baby so TJ and i would have all summer home with the baby (ies???), but God has other plans. His plans worked out for Jaelynne, so i guess i should trust him with this one too.

When TJ rolled over in bed, i told him. He hugged me and we just lay in the silence in each other's arms. More doctor appointments and mood swings, shots and sub plans, bloating and dizziness, unromantic "timed intercourse" and the waiting.

If round two doesn't work than it is more test for both TJ and i. It should work. . . it will work.

Until then, i guess i will enjoy my caffeine and occasional use of illegal drugs (jk)

Last Month & Today

As i was driving home form work this afternoon, i was thinking about how different my life is today than it was a year ago. . . than a month ago.

Last month i was changing diapers. Today i am changing my students' seats. (Haven't touched a diaper in awhile.)

Last month i was reading to jaely in my lap. Today i was reading to 27 sets of eyes.

Last month Jaely was a little tired of me. Today, she squealed with delight and waved to me out of the windowwhen i pulled in the driveway .

Last month i was telling jaely that a tantrum won't help her get her way. Today i was telling an EI student that a tantrum won't help get her way.

Last month i saw jaely by 8 every morning. Today i didn't see her until 4:30.

Last month i changed jaely out of her pee soaked jammies. Today, i sent a child to the nurse to get out of his pee soaked shorts.

Last month Jaely sneezed on my bare leg and i laughed as she laughed. Today a student sneezed on my arm. . . and i went to get the purell.

Last month i craved conversation and interaction. Today, my throat is raw and sore from all the talking.

Last month i often found the quiet too quiet. Today the loud was so loud.

Last month i could say i know my daughter inside and out. Today. . . not so much.

Last month i spent 12 hours a day with jaelynne. Today i saw her for 2 and a half.

Last month i was cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and hanging with jaely. Today, i called parents, taught my butt off. planned lessons and corrected papers. (TJ has successfully picked up the slack!)

Last month i was teaching jaely how to put her shirt on. Today i whispered to a student that her shirt was on backwards.

Last month i didn't wear make-up. Today i did.

Last month i didn't make any money. Today i did. :)

Last month i missed seeing my friends at work. Today i ate and laughed with them in the lounge.

Last month i had to tell jaely to be careful when she crawled under the table. Today i had to coax a student from under the table.

Last month, Jaely was my alarm clock. Today i got up at 5:15 to an annoying beeping.

Last month, both TJ and i were enjoying our summer off as teachers. Life is a bit different now. And although we are still trying to figure things out, things are coming together. We were pleasantly surprised by the amount of TJ's pay check. Jaely seems to be liking daycare. She plays outside all the time and loves to be with other kids. I am finally making money. I have been getting most of my work done before school starts. TJ has been doing his at night. He has been taking jaely all kinds of places in the morning. . .the park, farmers market, Target, meijers, and for walks. She has been napping at daycare for an hour and sleeping in for the most part.

I am adjusting. I miss my daughter and feel like i am missing her little changes, but i am relieved to know she is mostly with her papa. I am stressed and tired, but good. Glad i have a job. Thankful for a healthy daughter and husband. It is killing me to miss jaely's 18 month checkup on Monday. I could take a sick day for it, but i am going to need those later.

This is our life. Different, but awesome. Busy, but satisfying. Life is good.

High School Sweetheart

Montana 1995

Sometimes i am reminded, like when i pull on my worn-out champion sweatshirt that used to be TJ's when he was in high school, that i married my high school sweetheart. It seems hard to believe that our paths crossed at such a young age. At an age when there was still so much growing and learning ahead of us. At a time when we didn't fully know who we were as individuals, let alone a couple.

But God does amazing things.

That young couple, just kids then, really, would someday put their daughter down for bed, buy a house, get teaching jobs, cook steaks with carmelized onions on a saturday night, support each other in the loss of a mom, grandmas and grandpas, laugh till they cried at The Office, and be so in love with each other.

When i am reminded of how young we were, at how little our world was then, it amazes me that such a deep love filled with trust, passion, and communication can come about.

Prom- 1996

God has plans.

We both did a lot of changing, a lot of growing up, and a lot of questioning. . . but somehow we did it at the same rate, or the same way, or maybe we just gave each other room to figure out who the other person was on their own. Going away to college was the best thing we did. . .it made us grow up, figure out who we were and build a relationship on trust and communication. We always had to communicate. . .long nights on the phone, e-mail, and letters (TJ got almost one a day from me for a couple years!)

At any rate, i am blessed. My husband rocks and it is so incredible to have so much history together.

I think i will go eat my steak with caramelized onions now. I don't know what brought this on. . .

Gradutaion- 1996 (i graduated a year before TJ)

Week One

I know it will improve once i get in my groove. I am confident in that, but it is getting to that point that has me a bit uneasy. I went from knowing every facial expression, every morsel of food, every new and tiny change of jaely's to having to ask "is this new?"

It makes me even more thankful that i took that year off. . . and it makes me even more grateful that although i might not be seeing all the little things that go on her in everyday life, her papa still is. TJ has been amazing at keeping me updated with the little changes and events. He doesn't seem to get annoyed with my questions. He is really putting thought into what to dress jaely in because he knows it is important to me that she looks cute. He really could care less about what she wears. He is an amazing dad.

I went from being with her non-stop all day and into the early evening, to just being with her in the early evening. . . and when i am, i am so tired. And she is a tad grumpy at times! But she does seem to give me energy. I am so glad that the bulk of her day is with her papa, but i am a little bummed that she sees Miss Amber more than her mama. I just keep smiling knowing that she is in good hands, whether she is with her papa or Miss Amber. . . and knowing i get weekends and summers helps.

We feel like jaely is already talking more since being around other kids. She is learning to run. . . yikes! And she enjoys being chased (until she falls into the corner of a door frame, then. . .not so much) She is signing for the word bath by beating her chest (she is supposed to move her hands up and down on her chest, but hey, it is close enough for us). She also signs for the word more. TJ says she now says hello and she is waving goodbye more often. She still turns her head away from me when i pucker up for a kiss and snuggles down on my shoulder right before going down to bed.

I wonder what i will miss by working.
I am gaining a lot from working again, but sometimes the sacrifice doesn't seem worth it. . . other times it seems like the right thing to do.

I will get the hang of it. I am just so glad that i stayed home for a year.

Classroom Chair

I guess you could say i got inspired. I needed a new chair for my classroom. So i went downstairs and found a pile of chairs. . . took one.

Painted it blue. . . and painted a piece of cheese on it.

I am happy with it.

Bye, Bye Red Room

By far the most beloved color in our house is the deep red of the guest room. When we first moved in, we painted almost every room a deep shade of color. Starting with our bedroom, a nice tranquil two coat sage green. Our purple master bathroom. Blue second bathroom and lastly our red office (at the time- turned guest room a little before jaely's arrival). It took seven coats to paint that room. We had never heard of tinted primer, obviously.

I can't really describe this red, and pictures don't capture it correctly. It is deeper than brighter and more brickish than fire enginish. We both LOVE it.

It is time to repaint it as jaely's big girl bed is going to be delivered soon. She won't sleep in it for a very long time, but we thought it was a great time to paint it- we have no newborn to worry about at the time, i am not pregnant so i have some energy to help, jaely's bed will be delivered soon, and we want to have plenty of time for her to get used to the room before she has to be used to the room.

The bedding that i found almost a year ago won't even come close to looking good with red walls. Sometime in the future our guest bedroom/office downstairs will be red. . . but until then we will be grieving the lose of the red. I still have the paint chip, so we should be alright for the future.

Bye Red. . . you will be missed.

When you find me, will you let me know?

I am not myself lately. I know it is my body's reaction to the hormones and such, but that doesn't really help. I am completely self- conscious, ridiculously impatient, close to tears at any given moment, perhaps a little cruel (although, i am trying really hard not to be), overly apologetic, and over analyzing everything.

Not a good time to return to work outside of the home and away from Jaely. Guilt- for not being here enough and for missing her little changes. Questions- does she even like me? Will i be able to do this all?

I am confident that these feelings will disappear as my body regulates. I know that i am not normal, so i am trying not to make big decisions or have any important discussions or do any deep reflecting at this point in time. :)

I probably won't make much sense. . .

but i will try to. I am struggling with writing. A little tired. Very overwhelmed, yet in a good way. Not a lot of time to collect my thoughts lately. Very grateful to God- for my family's health, for Jaelynne and her laughter, for my sexy scientist turned stay-at-home papa of a husband, for medical insurance as my ovaries are being told (by shots) to get ready to drop some eggs, for my position in third grade, for our cozy warm home filled with pitter patter of feet and smiles and tasty food.

TJ has been amazing. He has stepped up to the one who takes care of the house primarily and plans meals and makes dinners and arranges appointments and makes calls and cleans up and feeds jaely and plays with jaely and grocery shops. He has never been so attractive to me as when i see him playing with our daughter and clipping coupons. That is hot!

I had my appointment in Grand Rapids today. I called at 8:30 and they wanted to see me at 9:30. Last time TJ came to every appointment, but now that we have jaelynne i will be doing it by myself. I tried really hard to listen to directions and explanations. . . i tried not to get lost in the maze of exam rooms and consultation rooms and check out stations. I left feeling quite proud of myself. I didn't fart on the doctor (a fear of mine). I didn't get lost. My ovaries are ready to start the shots. I feel calm and at peace. . . the sense of urgency is significantly less than when we were trying with jaely. I have to remind myself that this round might not work. . . that we might have to do this all over again, but i know it will eventually work. And i am so excited by this certainty. My next appointment is next sunday. I was so so worried that it would be on the first day of school. There really is no give time. . . it is not flexible. . . when my ovaries are ready, they are ready and don't really care what else i have going on. They scheduled it for sunday, and i sighed in relief.

Right now, TJ is grocery shopping. Jaely is sound asleep in her crib (probably with her butt, errr bottom, up in the air and her legs crossed at her ankles. The sky is lighting up with each strike of lightening and the thunder is rumbling. I really just want to read, but i had better work on some school work. And so it begins!

Chaos

Life seems to be getting more chaotic. . . trying to fit in getting ready for school, spending time with jaelynne and tj, squeezing in doctor and dentist appointments, hanging out with the bug so that tj can get some stuff done, figuring/visiting daycare options, and just keeping up with the normal watering plants-dusting-vacuuming-cleaning kind of stuff. Ahh.

I am enjoying getting things ready for school and organizing my classroom. Starting to get excited about the little faces and bodies that will soon occupy the chairs i have around each table. Starting to get freaked out (especially now that i have a child of my own) about how much responsibility i have to each child- that they see me more during the day than their mom or dad.

I can feel the hormones creeping in as i try to suppress thoughts and words that i know are ridiculous. But, i am so excited about what comes next. . . not the actual shots, but the fact that they will help my ovaries drop an egg is truly exciting. :) I hope the timing works out and i am not out of town when i am supposed to go to the doctors. . . that could get tricky.

I am loving being a mom. It has been so exciting to watch jaely change and grow. It is wild. She makes me laugh everyday. . . and i am not talking about a chuckle. I mean a hearty laugh. I also LOVE watching TJ be a dad. He engages with her in such fantastic ways. . . actively, fun, and so full of love.

I can tell by how i am writing that i need to go to bed. Good night.

Date Day

On Friday, gail watch jaely for the entire day while tj and i spent the day in GR. Some things, like getting an oil change, were not as enjoyable as others, but it was so great to be able to run some errands that needed to be done.

The morning started early. We got up at 5 and were in the doctor's office by 7. And good news from our doctor. We are going to be able to skip to the treatment that brought us jaely. My body is stubborn. . . instead of being able to get my body to cycle with a single hormone that i take for five days, i need to take a combination of two for thrity days. So, we have to wait a little bit before TJ can start giving me shots. We are excited. We are praying that i don't get OHSS again. The shots will be very gradually increased to help the ovaries not get over stimulated. And we are praying it brings us a baby. :)

It was still early after our appointment, so we headed to panera bread for some goodies. Sipping chai or coffee and eating a cinimon crunch bagel or a breakfast sandwich without having to cut up food for jaely was so relaxing. We just sat, relaxed, sipped, and talked.

We went to a favorite toy store. Got an oil change. Visited the mall. And saw a movie.

It was awesome to sit in a movie theater next to my husband with a bucket of popcorn and a fountain drink. Harry Potter was alright. We enjoyed it. . . the book was immeasurably better, but we still enjoyed ourselves.

Then we topped off the day with a fabulous dinner at The Melting Pot. It was an unbelievalbe experience. It was so nice to take over two hours to eat a three course meal and dessert. We slowly dipped, cooked, ate, and sipped during the meal. It felt like how eating should be.

We returned home 14 hours later. Tired. Relaxed. Thankful and excited.

Jaely had a wonderful day with gramma. . . swimming, walks, playing, shopping, sleeping, and eating.

I'm So Happy!

I love organizing. . . at times, it can be a weakness of mine. When i walked down to the basement and saw this. . .



I was so excited. I immediately got out my label maker (yes, organization freaks like me have label makers) and labeled the tubs. Now our stacks of tubs won't float away again. . . and we have more room. I cannot believe how many tubs are baby/kid related. And i am sure this is just the beginning!

It is amazing what a little organization can do!

Thanks TJ for building these wonderful and safe shelves. They are super sturdy (even for sneaky climbing children!)

And, did you notice the clean, bleached floor. If you could have seen it before the sweeping and bleach- dead worms, decaying leaves, soaked insulation, and filth. Yeah! He is almost done with bleaching the basement floor. What a huge job it is to get the basement back to normal.

Nasty & Beautiful

This is nastyI had the light fixture in the picture to show the size of this moth. Absolutely nasty and hairy.
Absolutely beautiful. Although it is more blue than this picture is portraying.

More gardening

The pink impatience are finally starting to fill in.
The blooming hydrangea. . . a nice light shade of bluish/purplish
A daylily my friend Marilee got me for my birthday a few years back has bloomed.

Still going strong. . .
The hanging baskets are getting huge! (well, except for the bocoppa. . . those are dying.)
My new plant stands to complete the set. . . i got these with my birthday money from my aunt carol and uncle mike. They were 70% off. . .i was waiting! They are two tiered and made of slate. (thank you Antie Ca Ca and uncle coupon!)



The alien looking hen & chick is getting ready to pop!

The creeping jenny is really starting to creep. Look at it reach out to the glass ball. I should probably stop it!

The first shasta daisy bloom of the season.

This hosta is getting WAY too big. It must be moved this fall.

A wee little clematis. Love the deep purple.
Where i daily spend part of jaely's nap. . . watering, deadheading, and weeding. I love it.