Unexpected Disappointment

I took a pregnancy test twice this week. On my "month of rest" the doctor said that it is entirely possible for me to get pregnant. With all the drugs left in my system my ovaries might decide, after all, to ovulate. When i heard this, i fully doubted my ovaries would do their thing, but as it closer, i got excited. Maybe i could get pregnant.

The test was negative. . . both times. As i am waiting for the results, i thought that it would be a miracle if i am pregnant. But, i also know God could make miracles happen. I could hear myself telling people that it was a total God thing. . . i never ovulate on my own. I got excited as i washed my face, still waiting for the results. Already figuring out the time that the baby would be born.

But, it was negative.

First more pills to get me to ovulate- that can take awhile. More shots and appointments after appointments. More sub plans and never knowing when i am going to need them. More waiting. I just don't know if i have it in me. Jaely just gets older and so do i.

I know that God's timing is the best. Sometimes it is just difficult to understand and accept.

I guess i just didn't expect to get disappointed. I didn't expect to expect to get pregnant. But as soon as i bought those tests, my heart did a little flutter. I had to see a negative result before the doctors would refill my prescription. I had to get them. No matter how many times i told myself that i am not pregnant, deep (maybe not that deep as an optimist) i thought that there was a chance.

Here we go again.