Friday, June 24, 2016

Realization while Running

I am going to try to capture my emotions and thoughts into words, knowing that I will fail miserably, but knowing that I need to at least try.  I owe it to myself to get this in writing, to make it more imprinted on my brain so when I need it again, it will be there.

I was almost done with my jog.  This was the first time I have run with music, and I have to say it makes such a huge difference.  It pushes me and takes my mind off of it at the same time.  Anyway, I was heading into my cool down walk, when the music changed.  It is picking at random from my playlist.  The song that came on right as I was beginning to walk, was one of the songs that we played over and over and over again eight years ago when we were in the hospital giving birth to our first born child.  We played this album while my contractions were getting closer and closer together and more intense.  We played this album as I was pushing and getting ready to meet my Jaelybug.  We played it in the days following her birth in the hospital as we adjusted to this parenting thing and learned how to take care of a newborn.  I remember this song playing as I held my first child and studied her eyelashes, her fingernails, and her perfect mouth and nose.

As I was walking, with the sun setting and lighting up the sky with pinks and oranges, I began to cry.  The day I had Jaely was the day that I felt the most accomplished I had ever felt.  I had succeeded.  I had done it when I didn't think I could.  I had shown myself my strength, and I was far stronger than I ever knew.  I felt like I could do anything.

So, this is my realization- If I can grow people, and push them out (all 9 pounds 4 ounces of Camryn). . . if I can grow two people at once, and push one out breech while holding on to the other boy I just birthed, then I am strong enough for this journey.  These kids are my why.  They are my inspiration.  They are my motivation.  They are my why.  If I was strong enough to bring them into this world, then I can do this.  I can get healthy for them . . . for me.  I am strong enough to run.  I am strong enough to say no to seconds.  I am strong enough to have control over my portions.  I am strong enough to take care of me.  I am strong enough.  I had forgotten just how strong I am until that song played and it all came flooding back.  I am a person who deserves health.  I am strong, and somehow, I had lost sight of this.

Tonight at dinner, the kids got really into hearing stories about when they were babies.  TJ and I enjoyed reminiscing over what each baby was like- they were all so different.  We joked how our rule follower was the most difficult as a baby.  And, I thought how fun it would be if my mom were able to tell my kids about how I was as a baby.  These kids are my why.  I will be around to tell their kids about what their parents were like as a baby.  I will be because I am strong enough for this journey.  It is mine, and I got this.  Just look what I've done so far!
Jaelynne gail

Camryn Elizabeth

Tobin and Bryson

Before Weight Watchers
After joining Weight watchers- October 2015

During and before Weight Watchers

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