When you find me, will you let me know?

I am not myself lately. I know it is my body's reaction to the hormones and such, but that doesn't really help. I am completely self- conscious, ridiculously impatient, close to tears at any given moment, perhaps a little cruel (although, i am trying really hard not to be), overly apologetic, and over analyzing everything.

Not a good time to return to work outside of the home and away from Jaely. Guilt- for not being here enough and for missing her little changes. Questions- does she even like me? Will i be able to do this all?

I am confident that these feelings will disappear as my body regulates. I know that i am not normal, so i am trying not to make big decisions or have any important discussions or do any deep reflecting at this point in time. :)

I probably won't make much sense. . .

but i will try to. I am struggling with writing. A little tired. Very overwhelmed, yet in a good way. Not a lot of time to collect my thoughts lately. Very grateful to God- for my family's health, for Jaelynne and her laughter, for my sexy scientist turned stay-at-home papa of a husband, for medical insurance as my ovaries are being told (by shots) to get ready to drop some eggs, for my position in third grade, for our cozy warm home filled with pitter patter of feet and smiles and tasty food.

TJ has been amazing. He has stepped up to the one who takes care of the house primarily and plans meals and makes dinners and arranges appointments and makes calls and cleans up and feeds jaely and plays with jaely and grocery shops. He has never been so attractive to me as when i see him playing with our daughter and clipping coupons. That is hot!

I had my appointment in Grand Rapids today. I called at 8:30 and they wanted to see me at 9:30. Last time TJ came to every appointment, but now that we have jaelynne i will be doing it by myself. I tried really hard to listen to directions and explanations. . . i tried not to get lost in the maze of exam rooms and consultation rooms and check out stations. I left feeling quite proud of myself. I didn't fart on the doctor (a fear of mine). I didn't get lost. My ovaries are ready to start the shots. I feel calm and at peace. . . the sense of urgency is significantly less than when we were trying with jaely. I have to remind myself that this round might not work. . . that we might have to do this all over again, but i know it will eventually work. And i am so excited by this certainty. My next appointment is next sunday. I was so so worried that it would be on the first day of school. There really is no give time. . . it is not flexible. . . when my ovaries are ready, they are ready and don't really care what else i have going on. They scheduled it for sunday, and i sighed in relief.

Right now, TJ is grocery shopping. Jaely is sound asleep in her crib (probably with her butt, errr bottom, up in the air and her legs crossed at her ankles. The sky is lighting up with each strike of lightening and the thunder is rumbling. I really just want to read, but i had better work on some school work. And so it begins!

Chaos

Life seems to be getting more chaotic. . . trying to fit in getting ready for school, spending time with jaelynne and tj, squeezing in doctor and dentist appointments, hanging out with the bug so that tj can get some stuff done, figuring/visiting daycare options, and just keeping up with the normal watering plants-dusting-vacuuming-cleaning kind of stuff. Ahh.

I am enjoying getting things ready for school and organizing my classroom. Starting to get excited about the little faces and bodies that will soon occupy the chairs i have around each table. Starting to get freaked out (especially now that i have a child of my own) about how much responsibility i have to each child- that they see me more during the day than their mom or dad.

I can feel the hormones creeping in as i try to suppress thoughts and words that i know are ridiculous. But, i am so excited about what comes next. . . not the actual shots, but the fact that they will help my ovaries drop an egg is truly exciting. :) I hope the timing works out and i am not out of town when i am supposed to go to the doctors. . . that could get tricky.

I am loving being a mom. It has been so exciting to watch jaely change and grow. It is wild. She makes me laugh everyday. . . and i am not talking about a chuckle. I mean a hearty laugh. I also LOVE watching TJ be a dad. He engages with her in such fantastic ways. . . actively, fun, and so full of love.

I can tell by how i am writing that i need to go to bed. Good night.