Unexpected Disappointment

I took a pregnancy test twice this week. On my "month of rest" the doctor said that it is entirely possible for me to get pregnant. With all the drugs left in my system my ovaries might decide, after all, to ovulate. When i heard this, i fully doubted my ovaries would do their thing, but as it closer, i got excited. Maybe i could get pregnant.

The test was negative. . . both times. As i am waiting for the results, i thought that it would be a miracle if i am pregnant. But, i also know God could make miracles happen. I could hear myself telling people that it was a total God thing. . . i never ovulate on my own. I got excited as i washed my face, still waiting for the results. Already figuring out the time that the baby would be born.

But, it was negative.

First more pills to get me to ovulate- that can take awhile. More shots and appointments after appointments. More sub plans and never knowing when i am going to need them. More waiting. I just don't know if i have it in me. Jaely just gets older and so do i.

I know that God's timing is the best. Sometimes it is just difficult to understand and accept.

I guess i just didn't expect to get disappointed. I didn't expect to expect to get pregnant. But as soon as i bought those tests, my heart did a little flutter. I had to see a negative result before the doctors would refill my prescription. I had to get them. No matter how many times i told myself that i am not pregnant, deep (maybe not that deep as an optimist) i thought that there was a chance.

Here we go again.

High Hopes

I have great expectations for this weekend. . . i should probably adjust them for fear of failure, but there is just so much i need to do and so much i desire to do. I bought a ton of fabric last night when i was with jaely. I hope to make a lot of loopies. My basket at work is almost empty and i keep selling them. I have a boy one sold as soon as i make it and i know someone else will know which color to buy in a week. I also need to make one for an auction for charity. Before i can make all the loopies, i need to cut the fabric. I already washed it, but cutting it is the most time consuming.

I want to clean the house.
I want to sleep. . . a lot.
I want to carve jaelynne's pumpkin with her. I carve while she plays in the gunk.
I want to dress her up in her chicken outfit.
I want to spend time with TJ.
I want to be with Jaely- so i can get so quality time with her and to relieve TJ a bit.
I want to get Jaely feeling good.
I want to help my husband get over his cold
I need to do laundry
I need to wake up with Jaely tomorrow so TJ gets a day to sleep in.
I need to delete pictures off the camera before it gets way out of hand
I need to correct a ton of papers
I need to fill out notes on students for conferences
I need to catch up on my DVR watching.

I even had big plans for tonight. I was going to cut all the fabric. I went downstairs to, only to come up in 10 minutes. I am too tired. When i came up stairs, TJ was snoring on the couch. . . and still is!

It is hard shuffling between jaely's naps and her bedtime. I just can't get it all done.

Eight years ago today

At this time eight years ago, i was sipping my first chai. My mom was just leaving my apartment. My friends Mary and Sarah were going to spend the night, so that in the morning we could start getting ready for the wedding. Everything was done. . . and it was just time to relax with some friends in my too big of an apartment for one, but soon to be for two. My button down shirt ready to go in the morning. All the stuff already packed in the car. Mary was my designated driver in the morning, as i didn't know how i was getting from place to place. Everything was ready. . . just time to relax and wait.

Wait for TJ to become my husband.
Wait for me to be married.
Wait for all the planning and all the money to be done in just a few hours.

I remember not feeling nervous, but just so excited.

We have grown up so much in the last eight years. I seriously could not imagine sharing my life with anyone else. TJ brings out the best in me. He makes me a better person. He cherishes me, respects me, makes me laugh till i cry, understands me, wants me, takes care of me, rubs my head, knows when i need a hug, leaves me love notes, buys me treats, challenges me to think differently and to be a better person, encourages me, supported me when my mom died -more than he will ever know, tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me, dreams with me, finds me attractive, and cheers me on in life.

I thank God every day for giving me TJ.
I love you, RR.