Reality

This is the first full week of school and i am exhausted. I find myself on the way home from work having to dig deep to find some energy left for my girls. Today i successfully found some, but that isn't always the case. I still feel like i am waking up in the middle of the nigh when my alarm goes off at five.

It seems that i have a great group of kids. There are always a few that are going to make my job harder, but i still love it. Some kids are so neat. Some kids are so needy. Some kids are so funny. Some kids break your heart.

The word "nervous" is one of our vocabulary words for the week. We talked about what it means, we acted it out, we drew a picture that would remind us what the word means. I asked if anyone had any connections to the word "nervous." A boy raised his hand and sadly said, "i am nervous when i go to my dad's because he does drugs. He puts it into a needle thing and shoots it into his arm." Down to the counselor i went (to think TJ might hear these stories several times a day after he gets his masters). To this 8 year old, that is normal. That is his life. He has experienced things that i will never experience. That same day, his dad came to get him through the back door of our building that someone had left unlocked. His dad isn't supposed to see him, so the police were called when the dad was spotted. The child was quickly pulled from my classroom and taken away by his grandma as his dad (with a history of violence) was stalled in the hallway.

Since school started, i definitely have a heaviness put on my heart again to pray for these kids. Kids that have never been read to. Kids that don't have a mom. Kids that have had their cats put in the dryer by their step dad. Kids that have a mom in prison for stabbing someone 47 times. Kids whose parents have been going through a very messy divorce for three years. These are just the situations that i am aware of. . . it scares me to think what else is going on.

I look forward to seeing their smiles every morning. I could be the only one who reads them a book that day. I could be the only hug they get. I could be the only one who asks how they are. I could be the only one who looks them in the eye and listens when they are talking to me. My classroom could be the only place they can eat a decent breakfast. My classroom might be the few safe places they know and the most predictable place. What a HUGE amount of pressure that is.

Teaching

One more day of freedom before 29 third graders come through my classroom door. Set up for this year as been stressful to say the least, but i feel ready enough to be excited about it. I put in 10 hour days last week and this weekend trying to get my room organized and ready. I was rushed. I was stressed. But now, i am ready enough. I had to move to a different room and the building was a complete disaster as it was getting renovated. It isn't complete, but they say it is safe enough for students.

Most years as i write the students' names on their goodie bags, i pray for our relationship. I pray that I would be the teacher they need me to be. And as i stuff their goodie bags i wonder what they are like and what i will remember about them in 5 years. Not this year. I was dropping things in as quickly as i could and i was half way through with slapping on the big smiley face sticker when i realized that i wasn't even paying attention to the names on the bags. Sad start.

This year, i won't start it pregnant and exhausted. I won't be gone for 10 weeks. I won't be out of sick days and i will get paid my full amount. I won't have to pump during my planning time, but i still get to feed Camryn in the morning and at night. I will miss my girls tremendously and am scared i am going to miss too much of their daily lives. I will cherish my time with them even more on the weekends and the little bit of time before dinner and bed time. Jaely is mad at me already for working, but she will adjust. We all will.

Thank God i have a supportive, loving husband. It is going to be a busy year as he gets his masters degree and does his counseling placement. He will be working full time and working on his thesis project. We will make it. We will each give 100% and where my 100% isn't enough, his will be and when his 100% isn't enough, mine will be. Hopefully.

I hope things slow down a bit. I have a feeling they won't.