The Closeness of Dad

My parents got a divorce when i was three.  I remember it pretty vividly, or maybe i just remember the story that was told over and over again.  I remember all 5 of us gathered in our dining room on Echo Drive.  Looking back and knowing other children's stories now, I am thankful that my parents came together to let us know together.  In front of us, they were very civil to one another- going to our parent teacher conferences together, orchestra concerts, improv shows, musicals and plays, and basketball games.  When my dad moved out, it felt like he moved across the state from a three year old's perspective.  In reality it was 10 minutes away, in the same town.  We would visit every weekend and have buttered noodles (that is something we all ate), watch TV, play game systems, build forts, or play board games, and go swimming. 

When I got older, my dad moved up north.  It was difficult keeping the same relationship that we once had, especially since neither one of us like the phone.  In the summer, I would go visit him, but it was hard not having a constant connection with him. I, too, was busy- with school, church youth group, a boy named TJ.

When i got even older, summer visits continued with a few hours here and there at holidays.  We both still hated the phone.  My life got even busier with marriage, teaching, and then children.  Jaelynne loved going to visit my dad up north.  Although when the girls were babies, they would cry at the sight of my dad.

Today, my dad gave up his job, the rolling hills, and his quiet country living and moved close to me.  I am shocked what a difference to me it makes.  It is amazing to have day to day connections.  Instead of talking about the big stuff during summer visits, we can talk about the day to day stuff.  My girls love seeing their Beepa so much and are getting used to just having him around and stopping by or seeing him at the farmers market.  The boys haven't cried at the sight of my dad. . . yet.  And i don't think they will.  They know him.  They know his voice and they know that he feeds them.  We can borrow things from each other and pass them back and forth.  He can stop over with amazing lemon blueberry bread when i am having a rough day.  He can get weekly snuggles from his snuggle bunny and snuggle bug and attend things like gymnastics, the girls' school events, swimming lessons, graduation, sing-a-longs, or soccer games.  He can listen to Jaely read a book, play babies with Camryn or push the stroller weekly.  He can meet us at the park, pizza hut, Lewis Farms, or school.  And the roles have seemed to switch a little.  I can encourage him to get out and meet people by pointing out different activities and events that are happening around us.  I can keep an eye on him and visit or check in on him if I haven't heard from him in awhile- instead of him being stranded alone  in a snow storm without power or a charged cell phone and down trees blocking his driveway.

I am so thankful that my children are really going to know their Beepa and are creating fond memories with him. . . and I am glad that he is a part of my day-to-day life.
 I love you Daddy-O!

A Visit to My House Growing Up

I thought it would look different than how i remembered it.  I had lived there for 20 years, but have been moved out of it for 15 years.  Besides the oxygen tanks, medical supplies, oven, and a few minor changes, it looked the same.  The dishes were still stacked the same in the cupboard.  Tooth pick holders, table cloths, napkins, and the big ceramic turkey still were in the china cabinet.  The pink bathroom counter and the harvest gold kitchen counter were still there.  The Sweet Violet salt shaker had salt and was by the stack of Sweet Violet bowls that were used for our bridal shower.  The same rock and brick were used to keep the shed door closed and the patio furniture was all stacked outside.  The Japanese Maple was the same size. The green carpet going downstairs seemed just as worn out as when I moved out.  The house, especially the kitchen, seemed smaller, but clothes were still hung in the closets and commonly used phone numbers and addresses (from 12 years ago) were still taped to the inside cupboard by my mom's captain chair in the dining room.  It was surprisingly the same.  Time seemed to have slowed down in that house.  Part of George seemed to have just stopped living when my mom died over 10 years ago.

Of course, some things were different.  Her gardens were taken over by weeds, the pond was all filled in, Sammy wasn't there, the deck railing was wobbly, the picnic table was rotten, the arbor's paint was peeling, and the trellis was broken. 

It always amazes me too, how when someone dies, everything is just left in its place.  Cell phones are still plugged in getting charged, cups are in the sink, mail continues to be delivered.  It was like George could have walked in at any time, but he didn't.  He won't.  Ever again.  There was a worn picture of my mom sitting at the spot that George spent his days- at the kitchen table, across from the TV.  Mike told me that he would switch the picture out every now and then, but he always had one near.  Her purse was just tucked away in a drawer, with her things still in it.  Her wedding dress still hung in the closet with her denim jacket that she had decorative pins on the lapel.  Life just continues on. It doesn't even seem to pause.  When I heard about George and was trying to wade through my feelings of grief and regret, I had four kids trying to play with me.  Life didn't even pause to let me process how I felt.  And now Mike, as he tries to figure out what to do with his dad's estate, is left with dealing with the responsibility of his life that just keeps going and dealing with the responsibility that comes with the death of his father and a life that has ceased. 

I am grateful for a chance to walk through my childhood house once again.  Jered, Mike,  and I talked about many memories, smiled at the same ol' same ol', and a few random things got me choked up.  Things that took me off guard.  I hope I can help Mike if he needs it.  Clearing out the house will be quite a chore.  It is packed full of stuff.  And, as i walked around it, i reminded myself that it is just stuff.  I don't need everything that belonged to my mom.  It isn't her.  It is just stuff.  A few small things, like part of her wedding ring that she absolutely loved and stared at all the time, will be perfect.  It is small, but brings me so many fond memories of my mom and George.  Perfect.  Pictures don't take up a lot of room and a few sweet violet dishes will be great.  We are going to try to get the arbor that George built for their wedding back to our house.  That will make me smile and remember them as well.  Otherwise, it is just stuff- old, smokey, smelly stuff that won't bring George or my mom back.

Saying Good Bye to George the Best Way I Can

 I am going to try my best to write as I have four children running around, causing havoc.  I need to try.  My step dad, George, is being taken off his ventilator today and he can't survive without it.  It would be easier for me to move mountains than it would be for me to go there to say good bye.  I racked my brain trying to figure out a way, and couldn't.  As I was falling asleep last night, I thought of this- looking through pictures and blogging a letter to George.  And, I feel pretty good about the closure it will create for me.  I just so wish i could be there today to support my step brother and sister.  I grew up with George.  My mom and him dated and then lived together a very long time before they got married.  He was a big part of my life growing up, but sadly, not so much of my recent life.  Life got busy and I have regrets.  Sorry, George.  Before I start my letter, here are a few pictures i had time to find while watching my four children.

 This picture is the day my mom and George got married in our backyard.  In the background, you can see the arbor that they would be married under. George built it for the wedding.  My mom got George a "Groom" mug to drink his coffee in.  They both smoked and drank coffee non-stop.  He also had a mug that said "What a Guy" because that is what we said all the time to him, especially after he built something or fixed something, which was often.  I remember he made the unity candle holders for my wedding and he would send me Polaroid pictures of their progress.  One had a caption that said "perfection takes time".

 George always had a huge to-do list from my mom.  He handled it well and did wonderful work.  He was a bit of a perfectionist and took his time to do things right.  He totally redid our backyard with a beautiful, huge deck, a huge garden, a pond, a bench he made with birdhouses on it, fencing, trellis, paths, hammock, etc.  My mom and him made our backyard a beautiful sanctuary by which I hold every other backyard up to, but nothing ever comes close.  Here he is building a box for a plant that grows up a trellis.  My mom wanted it on wheels so she could bring it inside for the winter.  Jasmine grew on it.  George was rarely seen in shorts, but often without a shirt and in jeans.

The day my mom and George got married was a perfect day.   George surprised my mom by getting out his guitar and playing her a song.  So thoughtful.  George made my mom very happy.

 When i worked at Petsmart, I told my mom that we had a border collie puppy there.  George had always wanted a border collie.  My mom surprised him with his own dog (he wasn't a big fan of our cats) and George named her Samantha because he always wanted a dog named Sam.  She was the best dog. . . a little hyper and jumpy, but a great companion for him. 

This is the image of George that i will hold in my mind- wearing a v-neck sweater (i think he had them in all colors) with a dress shirt and perfectly trimmed hair.

Another favorite picture of mine-

 My mom took all of us white water rafting.  I was in her and George's boat.  I remember this was the first time I had seen George in shorts!  I also remember when a rapid threw him over the side of the boat and my mom and I couldn't do anything to get him back in.  Our guide came and helped us and just lifted him right into the boat.  My mom and George had their cigarettes and lighter in ziploc bags. 

 My mom and Aunts threw TJ and I a wedding shower that was also a rib cook-off.  It turned out to be one of the best backyard parties.  It had a theme of sweet violets, and although George always rolled his eyes or scowled at my mom's themes, he loved it deep down and would add to the theme in his own way.  He built extra tables for us to eat at.  He was always at work- helping us garden, building stuff, mowing the lawn, repainting, remodeling, etc. 

My mom, as a high school teacher, often dragged him to school functions like dances and Homecoming dances.  He rarely grumbled about it, but had to get all dressed up for the occasion or make something.  Here is when they chaperoned a dance.

Dear George,
I am sorry I can't be there today to say good bye, to hold your hand, and to support Mike and Jen.  I am also sorry that you only got to meet Jaelynne.  Life got busy and crazy.  If you met Camryn, you would see a lot of mom in her.  She is CrAzY, like mom was.  I want to say good bye to you, but i also want to say thank you.  Thank you for making my mom so happy all those years.  You made her laugh so hard and be so happy.  Thank you for loving me and my brothers.  I remember the first Christmas you and mom were together.  You bought me Troll pajamas with funky troll slippers that had purple and orange hair.  I loved those things!  I remember you always drinking coffee from Christmas mugs, making ham and cheese sandwiches,  eating ice cream with ruffle potato chips, eating Stroh's chocolate marshmallow ice cream, watching the Tigers from the recliner, building bunk beds for my brothers, remodeling all the bedrooms, salting all your food, your sense of humor, your laugh, and your smile.  Since my mom passed away, I have missed you.  I have missed you because I haven't seen you much, but I have also missed you because a part of you seemed to die along with my mom.  I know you loved her beyond words.  I know she made you laugh and smile, too.  I have greatly missed you for a long time, but now this is different.  You will be missed.  Good bye George.  Please say hi to my mom for me when you see her and give her a hug for me and tell her I love her.  Maybe dance with her, like you did when she grabbed your arms in the kitchen and danced with you. Give Sammy a big pet too.  Thank you.

I love you,
Lindsey

Passenger Side Garbage Bags

Every time I went anywhere with my mom and had to ride on the passenger's side, I sneered as I sat down and saw the plastic grocery bag hanging from the column shifter.  It was always in my way.  Always touching my leg and it was often full of ashes, toothpicks with the hooks on one end, and kleenex.  I hated the thing and was very verbal about my hatred. I would be dramatic and complain that it was taking up way too much space, that my feet couldn't even fit on that side of the car.

In the Corsica and the Beretta, it hung from the shift, but when my mom got the Malibu, i couldn't believe what i saw.  The Malibu actually had a little hook on MY side of the car that was made to be a garbage hook.  I remember being so irritated.  How could they encourage my mother in this fashion?  It was like the car makers were giving my mom permission to hang her plastic Kroger bag there, as if she needed permission.  Ugh.  The nerve!

I write this because as I was driving home today, with the kids in the back of my car in their seats, I glanced down and saw the pocket in the door filled with my breakfast bar wrappers.  A thought came to my mind that made a smile spread slowly across my face- I wish i had a plastic grocery bag for all this trash.  At first, I tried to push the thoughts away as soon as i realized what i was thinking, and then i just decided to embrace it.  Why not?  I had often complained of all the napping my mom did, too and I have learned to embrace that.  So why would this be any different?  She had a good idea and it was time to admit it.  Although, instead of filling my trash with ashes, I am going to fill it with healthy protein bars that are 6 points on weight watchers. 

Now I just have to check to see if my car has a handy little hook from which to hang a plastic grocery bag.

Love you mom!