Blah!

Apparently, all of my many follicles filled with liquid and turned to cysts. No exercise, no jumping or running, pouncing or prancing for two weeks while we wait for these things to go down. And then, i have to "rest" a month before we start another round of shots. Could be a month, could be two.

Blah.

I am not a big fan of my body. . .nor am i a fan of my big body.

My Simpson's Character. . .

Arg.

I guess i had my hopes up more than i thought. . . in the back of my mind i was thinking "oh, maybe i even pregnant with twins". I know, strange. Some people imagine the worst and are perpetually pseeimistic, but it is almost as though i imagine the best and get carried away with it.

So i woke up at gail's this morning, and got a sign that i am indeed not pregnant. I crawled back into bed (jaely sleeping away) and cried at the disappointment. I really wanted to have a June baby so TJ and i would have all summer home with the baby (ies???), but God has other plans. His plans worked out for Jaelynne, so i guess i should trust him with this one too.

When TJ rolled over in bed, i told him. He hugged me and we just lay in the silence in each other's arms. More doctor appointments and mood swings, shots and sub plans, bloating and dizziness, unromantic "timed intercourse" and the waiting.

If round two doesn't work than it is more test for both TJ and i. It should work. . . it will work.

Until then, i guess i will enjoy my caffeine and occasional use of illegal drugs (jk)

Last Month & Today

As i was driving home form work this afternoon, i was thinking about how different my life is today than it was a year ago. . . than a month ago.

Last month i was changing diapers. Today i am changing my students' seats. (Haven't touched a diaper in awhile.)

Last month i was reading to jaely in my lap. Today i was reading to 27 sets of eyes.

Last month Jaely was a little tired of me. Today, she squealed with delight and waved to me out of the windowwhen i pulled in the driveway .

Last month i was telling jaely that a tantrum won't help her get her way. Today i was telling an EI student that a tantrum won't help get her way.

Last month i saw jaely by 8 every morning. Today i didn't see her until 4:30.

Last month i changed jaely out of her pee soaked jammies. Today, i sent a child to the nurse to get out of his pee soaked shorts.

Last month Jaely sneezed on my bare leg and i laughed as she laughed. Today a student sneezed on my arm. . . and i went to get the purell.

Last month i craved conversation and interaction. Today, my throat is raw and sore from all the talking.

Last month i often found the quiet too quiet. Today the loud was so loud.

Last month i could say i know my daughter inside and out. Today. . . not so much.

Last month i spent 12 hours a day with jaelynne. Today i saw her for 2 and a half.

Last month i was cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and hanging with jaely. Today, i called parents, taught my butt off. planned lessons and corrected papers. (TJ has successfully picked up the slack!)

Last month i was teaching jaely how to put her shirt on. Today i whispered to a student that her shirt was on backwards.

Last month i didn't wear make-up. Today i did.

Last month i didn't make any money. Today i did. :)

Last month i missed seeing my friends at work. Today i ate and laughed with them in the lounge.

Last month i had to tell jaely to be careful when she crawled under the table. Today i had to coax a student from under the table.

Last month, Jaely was my alarm clock. Today i got up at 5:15 to an annoying beeping.

Last month, both TJ and i were enjoying our summer off as teachers. Life is a bit different now. And although we are still trying to figure things out, things are coming together. We were pleasantly surprised by the amount of TJ's pay check. Jaely seems to be liking daycare. She plays outside all the time and loves to be with other kids. I am finally making money. I have been getting most of my work done before school starts. TJ has been doing his at night. He has been taking jaely all kinds of places in the morning. . .the park, farmers market, Target, meijers, and for walks. She has been napping at daycare for an hour and sleeping in for the most part.

I am adjusting. I miss my daughter and feel like i am missing her little changes, but i am relieved to know she is mostly with her papa. I am stressed and tired, but good. Glad i have a job. Thankful for a healthy daughter and husband. It is killing me to miss jaely's 18 month checkup on Monday. I could take a sick day for it, but i am going to need those later.

This is our life. Different, but awesome. Busy, but satisfying. Life is good.

High School Sweetheart

Montana 1995

Sometimes i am reminded, like when i pull on my worn-out champion sweatshirt that used to be TJ's when he was in high school, that i married my high school sweetheart. It seems hard to believe that our paths crossed at such a young age. At an age when there was still so much growing and learning ahead of us. At a time when we didn't fully know who we were as individuals, let alone a couple.

But God does amazing things.

That young couple, just kids then, really, would someday put their daughter down for bed, buy a house, get teaching jobs, cook steaks with carmelized onions on a saturday night, support each other in the loss of a mom, grandmas and grandpas, laugh till they cried at The Office, and be so in love with each other.

When i am reminded of how young we were, at how little our world was then, it amazes me that such a deep love filled with trust, passion, and communication can come about.

Prom- 1996

God has plans.

We both did a lot of changing, a lot of growing up, and a lot of questioning. . . but somehow we did it at the same rate, or the same way, or maybe we just gave each other room to figure out who the other person was on their own. Going away to college was the best thing we did. . .it made us grow up, figure out who we were and build a relationship on trust and communication. We always had to communicate. . .long nights on the phone, e-mail, and letters (TJ got almost one a day from me for a couple years!)

At any rate, i am blessed. My husband rocks and it is so incredible to have so much history together.

I think i will go eat my steak with caramelized onions now. I don't know what brought this on. . .

Gradutaion- 1996 (i graduated a year before TJ)

Week One

I know it will improve once i get in my groove. I am confident in that, but it is getting to that point that has me a bit uneasy. I went from knowing every facial expression, every morsel of food, every new and tiny change of jaely's to having to ask "is this new?"

It makes me even more thankful that i took that year off. . . and it makes me even more grateful that although i might not be seeing all the little things that go on her in everyday life, her papa still is. TJ has been amazing at keeping me updated with the little changes and events. He doesn't seem to get annoyed with my questions. He is really putting thought into what to dress jaely in because he knows it is important to me that she looks cute. He really could care less about what she wears. He is an amazing dad.

I went from being with her non-stop all day and into the early evening, to just being with her in the early evening. . . and when i am, i am so tired. And she is a tad grumpy at times! But she does seem to give me energy. I am so glad that the bulk of her day is with her papa, but i am a little bummed that she sees Miss Amber more than her mama. I just keep smiling knowing that she is in good hands, whether she is with her papa or Miss Amber. . . and knowing i get weekends and summers helps.

We feel like jaely is already talking more since being around other kids. She is learning to run. . . yikes! And she enjoys being chased (until she falls into the corner of a door frame, then. . .not so much) She is signing for the word bath by beating her chest (she is supposed to move her hands up and down on her chest, but hey, it is close enough for us). She also signs for the word more. TJ says she now says hello and she is waving goodbye more often. She still turns her head away from me when i pucker up for a kiss and snuggles down on my shoulder right before going down to bed.

I wonder what i will miss by working.
I am gaining a lot from working again, but sometimes the sacrifice doesn't seem worth it. . . other times it seems like the right thing to do.

I will get the hang of it. I am just so glad that i stayed home for a year.

Classroom Chair

I guess you could say i got inspired. I needed a new chair for my classroom. So i went downstairs and found a pile of chairs. . . took one.

Painted it blue. . . and painted a piece of cheese on it.

I am happy with it.

Bye, Bye Red Room

By far the most beloved color in our house is the deep red of the guest room. When we first moved in, we painted almost every room a deep shade of color. Starting with our bedroom, a nice tranquil two coat sage green. Our purple master bathroom. Blue second bathroom and lastly our red office (at the time- turned guest room a little before jaely's arrival). It took seven coats to paint that room. We had never heard of tinted primer, obviously.

I can't really describe this red, and pictures don't capture it correctly. It is deeper than brighter and more brickish than fire enginish. We both LOVE it.

It is time to repaint it as jaely's big girl bed is going to be delivered soon. She won't sleep in it for a very long time, but we thought it was a great time to paint it- we have no newborn to worry about at the time, i am not pregnant so i have some energy to help, jaely's bed will be delivered soon, and we want to have plenty of time for her to get used to the room before she has to be used to the room.

The bedding that i found almost a year ago won't even come close to looking good with red walls. Sometime in the future our guest bedroom/office downstairs will be red. . . but until then we will be grieving the lose of the red. I still have the paint chip, so we should be alright for the future.

Bye Red. . . you will be missed.