My Mom Dreams

Last night i dreamed that i was dancing with my mom. It wasn't that unusual for my mom to take me and dance with me in the kitchen. . . even when i was older. I remember coming home from college or visiting home with TJ after we were married, and my mom would still hug me and then not let me go as she danced me around the kitchen. Often times i picture her doing that in her blue terry cloth robe with a cigarette in her hand. The kitchen usually smelled of something cooking or baking. She always had quite a spread when i (later we) came to visit.

Dreams are the closest i can get to my mom. If i close my eyes, i can still kind of hear her laugh, but when i dream of her it is crystal clear. I dream of the details of her fingers and nails, her clothing, and her voice. She is always happy to see me and i am, of course, ecstatic to see her. Years ago, when i dreamed of her, i was a little angry that she left me. . .i am always angry with George in my dreams. I tattle on him to my mom when we get a chance alone. Yikes.

I hope tonight we meet again in my dreams. I miss her so very much. Being a mama to Jaelynne, makes the pain worse, at times. My mom would have loved being a grandma. I have yet to dream of Jaelynne and my mom seeing each other. It is always me coming home or my mom and i meeting somewhere. Maybe i don't dream of her at our house because she never saw it.

Good night. Sweet dreams.

Focused

I had the first of a new kind of shot for round three tonight. With that shot, not only did liquid rush into my body, but so did emotions of hope and strength. I can do this for another round. . . it could work this time. The baby would be born sometime in November. See, how my mind travels. . . from being a little hopeful to almost seeing it as reality. Scary what optimism can do.

I have things to focus on. I am trying really hard to lose weight before i get pregnant. . . that may be next month or it may be months from now. Either way, i am going to work my butt off until then. Okay, now i feel a little guilty as i write that. I ate little debbie snacks and went over in weight watcher points, and i am not exercising tonight. I suppose i could still change the last one, but i don't think so. . .

Tomorrow is a new day!