Birkenstocks, Greenhouses, and Pregnancy

Lately my mom has just flooded my thoughts, and although that is not a bad thing by any means, it is an emotional and fragile thing.

Friday is casual day and i had on my jeans and my blue Montague Wildcat shirt. After i got dressed and was deciding what shoes to wear, it occured to me that i could wear my blue birkenstocks. I was not always the owner of these shoes. These shoes had formed to another person's foot, but they were still comfortable to me. These blue birkenstocks belonged to my mom. She LOVED them. When she passed away it was one of the many things i gathered. We had the same shoe size and she had good taste in shoes. I would put them on with a smile on my face as i remembered her and i always made sure my toe nails were polished. On Friday when i went to put them on, they didn't fit. My feet have grown a full size since i was pregnant with Jaelynne. I was so incredibly bummed. For a couple days they sat by the bench at the foot of our bed. I wasn't sure what to do with them. Right now, they sit in the trash in our bedroom. Sad.

We visited one of our favorite greenhouses in Allendale this morning. I am never prepared for this experience. I always get tears in my eyes as i remember going many times a season with my mom. I would help her pick out flowers, go fetch the alysum or the lobelia or the pink impatience, and help her load everything into the car. When we got home, we had a big planting celebration. Perinnials were the most exciting to buy. These were big decisions that required my opinion because they would be around for a long time. Today, i still find myself looking for the same flowers and wanting the same ones my mom had. TJ is always drawn to other ones as well, and i am just never sure of them. Thankfully, my mom had a pretty broad range of flowers. I missed her so much as i went up and down those aisles looking for a good combination to plant in a huge ceramic blue pot. She would love our gardens and the ability to exchange plants.

And then there is the 16 weeks pregnant thing. What pregnant girl doesn't want her mom around? What girl doesn't want her children to know her mom. I look at jaely often and think how much my mom would have loved her and i can just picture how excited my mom would be at being a grandma again.