Silver

This time of year, i love silver. Actually, i like it all year long, but it just has a special place during the holidays. I love how it shimmers and shines without being pretentious like gold. I love how it can make something that might be otherwise dull, seem magical. Silver can dress something up, make something a little more fancier, and add that little something something that was missing.

So. . . why is it that when i see a shimmering silver hair mixed with my dark brown hair, i twinge with disgust? I hate it. I hate how the light hits a silver hair and illuminates it making it say "look at me! Look at me!" It doesn't make my dull hair seem magical, it just makes me feel old. I hate how the silver hair grows up out of my scalp in a bent and crazy way, drawing even more attention to itself. However, the hair seems to become hidden the moment i come at it with tweezers.

Arg.

Decorating the Tree

I remember decorating the tree when i was younger. I don't have many memories of when i was real little, or many of when my brothers helped decorate it. But since i am the youngest child, most of my memories are from when my older brothers were too old to help or completly moved out, but i was still around and wanted a tree decorated. I do have just a few memories of us all decorating it. My brothers and i would hang all of out homemade ornaments in the very front, knowing full well that my mom preferred them in the back. We each had our ornaments to hang up. My mom had her homemade ones that she had made out of dough. They were so incredibly heavy that they required a few branches to hang on and one to sit on. Over the years, her dough ornaments became moldy. It was so difficult to throw them away. Some of my favorites were the bubble lights. I think the old style was a fire hazard, but they looked so neat on the tree. I also liked my brothers big batman and superman ornaments. And then there were the mice made out of straw. The icicles were a favorite too, which is why i grabbed a similar set when i found them at Target last year. I remember we kept our ornaments wrapped in newspaper in an old xerox paper box. Mom would sit on the couch in her spot and delegate as she told me where to hang them and what spots still seemed bare. Our tree was always real and our tinsel was always hideous. We have had many tree toppers, but i will always remember the star that had fringes and would light up from behind.

There are some many other things we did as a family that i will always remember. It makes me wonder what Camryn and Jaelynne will remember when they are my age. We had the countdown candy cane holders that my mom made. I, of course, had an angel one and Jered was Santa Clause and Jason was a snowman. We were themed then, even for Christmas. The nails sticking out of the top of the pantry closet stayed year round. We had our red stockings with our name written in glitter. Later those would be changed to stockings that matched our theme of angel, snowman, santa and with matching stocking holders. My mom always decorated the chandelier with tinsel and little silver ornaments that would hang over our bright red table cloth, complete with red napkins in a poinsettia napkin ring. We would hang a giant stocking, one that Jered had when he was born (December 11), on the side door to our house. I don't remember our old tree skirt, but i remember the one that replace the old one. It was a big purchase for mom. I was with her and she really, really wanted it. Right now it is under our tree. It is a quilted one of angels with a dark blue starry sky as the backdrop.

I hope i have these memories for a long time. I sometimes wonder how much other stuff am i forgetting, lost forever. I can only hope that Jaely and cami are going to have lots of wonderful memories, too.

I am Done

This morning was a bittersweet morning. I had decided it would be my last morning that i would nurse Camryn. She is over a year. I was still doing it because i didn't want to be uncomfortable over Thanksgiving with all that we had going on and, even though i am glad i am done, it makes me sad. It was uninterrupted time i had to stare into her eyes, to study her tiny fingers, to count her eyelashes. Yes, there were a few times when i would catch myself with my head tilted back, eyes closed and thinking of what i had to get done that day, but most of the time, i took that precious time and took advantage of it. Camryn doesn't get undivided attention from me very often. . . and as soon as she does, if Jaelynne notices, then Jaelynne wants attention. I get it, but it gets tiring.

I also am bothered because i don't know if i will ever get to do that again. I don't know if we are having a third and if we decide to have a third, i don't know if it will be thru pregnancy or adoption. I like to know when i am doing something for the last time, or if there is only one more cookie left in the package. It is just my thing. So not knowing bothers me.

I am proud of myself- for nursing. It isn't the easiest at time, but i did it! I couldn't have done it without my encouraging husband. . . he is the best! I am not proud of myself for all the weight i have put back on. I am disgusted when my clothes aren't fitting and my beautiful winter jackets are too small. And now that i am done nursing, i will probably put even more weight on. I don't want to. I am not in the right frame of mind to do something about it. I am tired and broke. It takes energy and money to eat right, to exercise and i feel like i don't have it in me right now. Blah.

Tomorrow morning, Cami is going to be so angry with me, but she will get over it quickly. She did when i dropped the evening feeding. I will GREATLY miss the snuggles. Maybe we will have to read a book quietly together before facing the world every morning.