I am Done

This morning was a bittersweet morning. I had decided it would be my last morning that i would nurse Camryn. She is over a year. I was still doing it because i didn't want to be uncomfortable over Thanksgiving with all that we had going on and, even though i am glad i am done, it makes me sad. It was uninterrupted time i had to stare into her eyes, to study her tiny fingers, to count her eyelashes. Yes, there were a few times when i would catch myself with my head tilted back, eyes closed and thinking of what i had to get done that day, but most of the time, i took that precious time and took advantage of it. Camryn doesn't get undivided attention from me very often. . . and as soon as she does, if Jaelynne notices, then Jaelynne wants attention. I get it, but it gets tiring.

I also am bothered because i don't know if i will ever get to do that again. I don't know if we are having a third and if we decide to have a third, i don't know if it will be thru pregnancy or adoption. I like to know when i am doing something for the last time, or if there is only one more cookie left in the package. It is just my thing. So not knowing bothers me.

I am proud of myself- for nursing. It isn't the easiest at time, but i did it! I couldn't have done it without my encouraging husband. . . he is the best! I am not proud of myself for all the weight i have put back on. I am disgusted when my clothes aren't fitting and my beautiful winter jackets are too small. And now that i am done nursing, i will probably put even more weight on. I don't want to. I am not in the right frame of mind to do something about it. I am tired and broke. It takes energy and money to eat right, to exercise and i feel like i don't have it in me right now. Blah.

Tomorrow morning, Cami is going to be so angry with me, but she will get over it quickly. She did when i dropped the evening feeding. I will GREATLY miss the snuggles. Maybe we will have to read a book quietly together before facing the world every morning.