Realization while Running

I am going to try to capture my emotions and thoughts into words, knowing that I will fail miserably, but knowing that I need to at least try.  I owe it to myself to get this in writing, to make it more imprinted on my brain so when I need it again, it will be there.

I was almost done with my jog.  This was the first time I have run with music, and I have to say it makes such a huge difference.  It pushes me and takes my mind off of it at the same time.  Anyway, I was heading into my cool down walk, when the music changed.  It is picking at random from my playlist.  The song that came on right as I was beginning to walk, was one of the songs that we played over and over and over again eight years ago when we were in the hospital giving birth to our first born child.  We played this album while my contractions were getting closer and closer together and more intense.  We played this album as I was pushing and getting ready to meet my Jaelybug.  We played it in the days following her birth in the hospital as we adjusted to this parenting thing and learned how to take care of a newborn.  I remember this song playing as I held my first child and studied her eyelashes, her fingernails, and her perfect mouth and nose.

As I was walking, with the sun setting and lighting up the sky with pinks and oranges, I began to cry.  The day I had Jaely was the day that I felt the most accomplished I had ever felt.  I had succeeded.  I had done it when I didn't think I could.  I had shown myself my strength, and I was far stronger than I ever knew.  I felt like I could do anything.

So, this is my realization- If I can grow people, and push them out (all 9 pounds 4 ounces of Camryn). . . if I can grow two people at once, and push one out breech while holding on to the other boy I just birthed, then I am strong enough for this journey.  These kids are my why.  They are my inspiration.  They are my motivation.  They are my why.  If I was strong enough to bring them into this world, then I can do this.  I can get healthy for them . . . for me.  I am strong enough to run.  I am strong enough to say no to seconds.  I am strong enough to have control over my portions.  I am strong enough to take care of me.  I am strong enough.  I had forgotten just how strong I am until that song played and it all came flooding back.  I am a person who deserves health.  I am strong, and somehow, I had lost sight of this.

Tonight at dinner, the kids got really into hearing stories about when they were babies.  TJ and I enjoyed reminiscing over what each baby was like- they were all so different.  We joked how our rule follower was the most difficult as a baby.  And, I thought how fun it would be if my mom were able to tell my kids about how I was as a baby.  These kids are my why.  I will be around to tell their kids about what their parents were like as a baby.  I will be because I am strong enough for this journey.  It is mine, and I got this.  Just look what I've done so far!

Jaelynne gail

Camryn Elizabeth

Tobin and Bryson

Before Weight Watchers

After joining Weight watchers- October 2015

During and before Weight Watchers

Today I Fasted

Today I didn't eat a thing.  I found it almost easier than eating and staying in points.  I am such an all or nothing girl.  I have been off of the plan for a little over a month.  It all started when I got exhausted and sick and stopped exercising and I just couldn't get back on.  I ate horribly and everything in sight.  All or nothing.  I guess I didn't go back to all of my old habits, like a 20 oz of Dew a day, but I went back to plenty of them. 

I fasted today to remind myself that food doesn't control me.  I control it.  I fasted today as a reminder that I don't need food to celebrate, to help with stress, or to watch a movie with my husband.  I have given it too much power lately.  I can enjoy a movie with TJ without eating.  I am not saying that I will never eat for those reasons again, but today, I chose not to at all.  It was a great reminder.  I put leftovers away without taking bites (and it was my favorite rice).  I threw the food away on the boys' plates instead of picking at it.  I made lunch for the family and didn't eat.  Take that food!  You don't control me!

Tomorrow, I will eat, but I am going to eat veggies, fruits, and lean meat and stay away from the other stuff for a bit longer.  I am not strong enough for any trigger foods yet (crackers, honey nut cheerios, tortilla chips).
I can eat anything on the plan, but I need to be strong enough to limit portions and to limit points, and I am not there yet.   I am tracking and exercising and hoping to turn this 13 pound gain around.  I am not giving up.  I am not stewing in my failure.  I am looking ahead and getting excited for warmer weather and a healthier me.  I feel so much better when I take care of myself, so I just got to get there. 

When I look at this picture, I am reminded of how far I have come.  I can do this!  I will not go back to this lacking confidence, unhealthy, uncomfortable mama.

I have my eye on my goal- losing 50 pounds by June 13th.  It's a hefty one, but I know I can do it! 

Fragile

Thirteen years ago today, life was going about its normal ways.  I was a long term sub in a third grade classroom for a teacher who had passed away unexpectedly.  TJ was teaching at Muskegon.  I was hoping for a snow day the next day.  I am sure we ate "TJ's chicken" for dinner, had my almost daily phone conversation with my mom, and graded papers until bed time.  No kids. No house, just a tiny apartment in Whitehall, where the kitchen was so small it wouldn't fit our microwave.  Such a normal day where I took everything for granted. . . especially my conversation with my mom.

The next day, my first call of the day was to tell me I had a snow day.  I was so excited!  I did my snow day dance, and tried to gain a little composer in front of TJ who still had school.  Muskegon never closed back then.  I went back to bed.  My second call of the day will be forever etched in my mind.  It was a call that changed everything.  I remember everything about it, from where I was standing to what I was wearing to what words were said.  It was George, my step dad, in a frantic, scared voice telling me that something happened to my mom and they were going in an ambulance.  He had to let me go because they were leaving.  He hung up.  I paced.  I worried.  I made some calls to family to have them pray.  Then, I called the hospital searching for some information about my mom.  They put me in touch with George and I remember him saying, "She didn't make it."  I had to have him repeat himself.  I was in complete disbelief.  How can such a normal, average day turn out to be so horrible?

I remember all the details that followed, from trying to get a hold of TJ at work to throwing up, but I don't need to go into all that.

Today, I am reminded of how fragile life is, how it can change in a blink of an eye, with one phone call.  I will forever have a sort of emptiness in my heart, a spot that can never really be filled.  I still reach for the phone to call my mom- I did when I got offered a permanent teaching position, when we closed on our first house, when my thesis was published, when I found out I was pregnant all three times, and losing 44 pounds
.  Thankfully, the tears have been less and now I smile at memories, instead of cry.  I have so many good memories of her.
I hope I dream of my mom tonight.  I so do miss her.  I miss our phone conversations and dancing in the kitchen.  I miss her sauteed mushrooms and the sound of her laugh.  I miss her lingering hugs and shopping with her.  I miss her fuzzy slippers and everything pink.  I miss her.