Next Year

I don't know how i feel about next year. Emotions come and go, high and low, in and out, a swirling mix and sometimes isolated- stuck on one moment or one fear or one detail. I look at jaely and my eyes well up with tears. I think of how much of jaely i will miss next year and how much i have had to witness this year. All the little moments. The quick phases. The tiniest change. The wheels turning and the learning constantly occurring. Will i notice as much next year when i am swamped with papers to be corrected, buried with curriculum to be taught, overwhelmed with lesson planning, stretched in so many directions as i learn how to teach and what to teach? Trying to be the wife, mom, teacher, friend, and Lindsey that i want to be.

Other parts of me are getting more and more excited to return to society, to laugh with my friends in the lounge, to be challenged, to learn, and to impact students. I will return as a different teacher, i am sure. I think i will view each individual child a little differently. They are someone's daughter or son. Their parent(s) are trusting me with their child. I will spend more waking hours with their children than they do. That is both amazing and scary. Maybe i will hug longer, listen more, and try harder.

I feel kind of guilty for looking forward to going back to work. . . and i don't even completely want to go back. Some moments all i want to do is stay home another year so i don't miss a moment with jaelynne. I dread returning to school. But other moments, i catch myself excitedly daydreaming about what my classroom will look like and what i will be teaching.

Next year is going to be so different. This year was so good. No wonder i am having problems falling asleep. Thoughts race through my head of doing lunch count next year, or running centers, or teaching counting, or zipping up pants. If i was in third again, i would definitely be getting more sleep!

I know i might really like first grade, but the amount of time and money that this change takes is going to be crazy. I feel like i won't even see jaely next year, if i want to be a descent teacher for these kids. Too much change all at once. Back to work. Different grade level expectations. Different aged kids. TJ down to part time. Different classroom. Different teachers to work with.

Now that TJ is part-time, it isn't like we could just switch roles. He can't do all the housework i currently do and work part-time. Something has to give! Our house is about to get a little dustier! Will you still love us??!!

It helps to get some of these mixed-up swirling thoughts, emotions, and fears out. :)

I do love blogging. . .and eating.
Maybe a piece of Texas Sheet Cake would help. . .

Man, i miss my mom

I spent a little time outside today during Jaelynne's nap. I watered the hanging baskets, the shade garden, and the back garden (except for the lower, soggy part). I filled both bird feeders with seed and suet. I was dying to weed, but knew i didn't have time. I looked at the four bright peony blooms, the pure white sweet woodruff blooms, the two huge bleeding hearts with blooms dangling from many branches, and the pink impatience. I thought of my mom.

When my mom was still living, we didn't haven't gardens yet. TJ and i were still renters of an apartment. We didn't have blogs yet either. The only one who i knew that had a blog was my brother jason. My mom loved it. She could listen to recordings of him singing on it and read about his life in San Fransisco.

If she was still living, we would have had so much fun exchanging pictures of our blooming flowers, dividing and sharing our plants, and helping each other decide where a new garden and new plants would best be planned.

And, of course, there is Jaely. Oh, Jaely. My mom would have loved spending her summers off visiting and watching her grandbaby. We went to the park yesterday. . . and i thought of my mom then. When we go to the beach, to the farmers market, on walks. . . she will be missed. But when i am out in the garden. . . it hurts the worst. I want to point out that my Hens & Chicks are huge compared to hers. I want to know what her tip is for mums and how to make them look so full in the fall, instead of lanky, like mine. I want to know what suggestions she has for the lower garden. I want her to crawl down our hallway chasing jaely and to scoop her up from her crib when she is waking up from a nap. . .my mom appreciated naps like no other. I want to the three of us to hang out on the deck together. . . play in the grass. . . go shopping.

I want to have a deadheading party with her. . . where we visit each other's gardens and talk and deadhead the blue chips, the petunias, and whatever else we see. . . and then maybe go shopping for one new plant to add to our gardens this year.

Man, i miss my mom.

And Let the Deadheading Begin!

Okay- so today in the beautiful sunshine i walked around a took random pictures of things blooming and happenings in our yard. I neglected to take a picture of the sprung mole trap because i was so excited that tj finally got a mole. . . i later found out that while TJ was doing his nightly rounds (checking the pumps and tubing for leaks and cloggage) he tripped it. Ha! oops.

We got our hanging baskets last weekend. We normally get other plants to fill about 8 big pots, but we had other things to spend money on. . . like pump rentals, and a sump pump, and a new dehumidifier, a new shop vac (our old one broke), etc. Anyway. . . i am digging the flowers- they are so nice when you drive up or when you look out our windows. They make me smile and there will be a lot less upkeep now that we don't have all the pots to take care of too. Deheading, here i come!
When i was at meijer, this cute little baccopa nad geranium arrangement was on clearance. . . 50% off!We got our poop (and maybe even some of yours) pumped out of our septic. . .what a fun thing to spend money on!

Bleeding heart in the shade garden
The day lilies along the garage.
Things are drying out so much that i had to water the top two gardens! But notice all the tubing pumping water from Lake Ellis.
The flowing phlox falls over the edge of the fabulous field stone
oh, what a wee little gnome have we. . .
Chicks & Hens or is it Hens & Chicks. . . .they might be my all time favorite plant. I remember them in my mom's garden- planted in a stump from a tree that we got chopped down. . .
Last year with birthday money from TJ's grandma, i got a clematis vine. This year i got a new trellis for it. I cannot wait until it blooms. :)
The peony bud. Another favorite that i enjoyed in my mom's garden when i was younger. I remember watching the ants crawl all over the buds. . . i guess that is what they do. My friend at work got this peony for me when she was an aid for a student in my room.
My cool glass ball that i got from my hubby. This is not its permanant home, but i needed to get it out of the basement for obvious reasons.
Creeping jenny- you can step on her and she doesn't mind. She is making her way around our homemade stepping stone that says "Sit & Relax"
Our "life is good" stepping stones. . . because life is good.

Just when i thought it couldn't get any worse. . .

We woke up this morning after a night of bad storms to find 8 inches of water in our basement. . . again. And then i found out i am teaching first grade next year. I have absolutely no experience with the little ones that need their shoes tied, actual reading instruction, and are cranky because it is the first time they are at school for a full day.

Our backyard is like a lake. . . i had to take these from our deck because i was keeping my eye on jaely. . . just to put it in perspective, tj was up to his knees in water when he was on our patio. The deck shoots out and overlooks the lake on every three sides.

Thanks Jaelynne!

Look what Jaely got me- a purple punch Vera Bradley hipster!! Now i can have my hands free when we are out and about. Thanks sweetie!I LOVE being your mom.

Happy Mother's Day!!

To celebrate this day, i am posting some pictures from one of my favorite websites, Cake Wrecks. Enjoy!

Not the Best

Today was not a great day as a mom or as a homeowner. I struggled with both today. . . maybe because i was trying to juggle both or maybe because i am in a reflective mood about how i am as a mother. I definitely don't need words that say how great a mom i am or how lucky jaely is to have me or blah, blah, blah. I don't need those because i know those. Those seem so shallow right now to me.

I struggled today because my personality is to take care of something quickly. For example, i don't see the need to put dishes by the sink or in the sink when they are dirty. . . just put them right into the dishwasher. When the leaves fall, rake. When the trash is full, take it out. When the dust forms on top of the wood, dust it. So, when your garage is full of wet, nasty valuables, clothes, decorations, books, etc. . . take care of them. Clean it up. Clean it out. Dry things out. Gets some air to things.

I can't do that with a one year old. I just can't. I can hardly get to the things that need to be done daily, let alone a minor disaster, like a flood. In the end, jaely gets the raw end of the deal- a mom who is too tired to talk or play and who is trying to get things done while jaely talks and plays by herself. Then, because i am tired, i don't have a lot of patience for things like opening cupboards and touching cords, etc. So i think she is being a little stink bug, when in reality it is my patience that stinks.

But that isn't even it. What is bothering me even more is the realization that i am who she spends most of her day with. This is going to be a hard one to explain. I think it is best explained by first giving an example. A few months ago, i had been trying to get jaely to clap. I would hold each of her hands and clap her hands together. it really wasn't working and i was fine that she wasn't clapping yet. I brought jaely to school one day and a dear teacher who has older kids of her own and a grandchild sat down with jaely and had jaely grab each of her hands and then she clapped her hands together, thus having jaely clap her hands too. I made the remark that i have never thought to teach jaely like that. She said it comes with experience. Another example might be when gail whispered in Jaely's ear for the first time when she was so young. Jaely loves it. I have never thought of doing that. My neighbor's kid is learning to trace his hand, not with any help of his mom, but because of his daycare person. My neighbor never thought to have him try that. My dad was the first one to try to stand jaely up on her legs on his table. I didn't think to do that. Instead of having high expectations for her to do things, i think i sell her short and then don't do things with her that i am supposed to.

I guess what i am saying is that i don't have expereince. Sometimes i feel bad that all jaely gets is me. That's it. . . me. Sometimes i think i would welcome an *excellent* daycare person for jaely. I definitely welcome grandparents to live closer. I love to see TJ spend time with jaely in the evenings because he does things differently with her. I watch to see what he does because a lot of times i have never thought of doing that.

I am not sure how jaely and i spend our days! Recently i have been so excited about the fine motor skills she has been getting- putting things in things, trying to put things together. I know that she definitely isn't in bad shape for having me with her for the majority of the day, but i am not sure if she is truly benifiting from it. I don't know what i am doing! I am new at this.

Today was a struggle. Poor TJ has spent his days pumping water, getting gas for the pump, moving the pump, vacuuming up water in the basement. . . which means i am stuck inside with jaely, just like any other day. . . possibly worse because he is working later than normal taking care of all this stuff. I needed a break desperatly. I am having a hard time being honest, for fear that i may sound like a bad mom, but i needed a break. I just needed someone else to think about what jaely is going to eat, or what we can play with next, etc. I needed a break from my routine. I needed it to feel like a saturday.

I still feel like i can't explain things adequetly. . . but i tried my best and i do feel better writing about it.

I am blessed.
I am loved.
I am a mother (something i have wanted for a long time)
We are healthy.
Things are good. . . they really are. :)