Next Year

I don't know how i feel about next year. Emotions come and go, high and low, in and out, a swirling mix and sometimes isolated- stuck on one moment or one fear or one detail. I look at jaely and my eyes well up with tears. I think of how much of jaely i will miss next year and how much i have had to witness this year. All the little moments. The quick phases. The tiniest change. The wheels turning and the learning constantly occurring. Will i notice as much next year when i am swamped with papers to be corrected, buried with curriculum to be taught, overwhelmed with lesson planning, stretched in so many directions as i learn how to teach and what to teach? Trying to be the wife, mom, teacher, friend, and Lindsey that i want to be.

Other parts of me are getting more and more excited to return to society, to laugh with my friends in the lounge, to be challenged, to learn, and to impact students. I will return as a different teacher, i am sure. I think i will view each individual child a little differently. They are someone's daughter or son. Their parent(s) are trusting me with their child. I will spend more waking hours with their children than they do. That is both amazing and scary. Maybe i will hug longer, listen more, and try harder.

I feel kind of guilty for looking forward to going back to work. . . and i don't even completely want to go back. Some moments all i want to do is stay home another year so i don't miss a moment with jaelynne. I dread returning to school. But other moments, i catch myself excitedly daydreaming about what my classroom will look like and what i will be teaching.

Next year is going to be so different. This year was so good. No wonder i am having problems falling asleep. Thoughts race through my head of doing lunch count next year, or running centers, or teaching counting, or zipping up pants. If i was in third again, i would definitely be getting more sleep!

I know i might really like first grade, but the amount of time and money that this change takes is going to be crazy. I feel like i won't even see jaely next year, if i want to be a descent teacher for these kids. Too much change all at once. Back to work. Different grade level expectations. Different aged kids. TJ down to part time. Different classroom. Different teachers to work with.

Now that TJ is part-time, it isn't like we could just switch roles. He can't do all the housework i currently do and work part-time. Something has to give! Our house is about to get a little dustier! Will you still love us??!!

It helps to get some of these mixed-up swirling thoughts, emotions, and fears out. :)

I do love blogging. . .and eating.
Maybe a piece of Texas Sheet Cake would help. . .