Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Next Year

I don't know how i feel about next year. Emotions come and go, high and low, in and out, a swirling mix and sometimes isolated- stuck on one moment or one fear or one detail. I look at jaely and my eyes well up with tears. I think of how much of jaely i will miss next year and how much i have had to witness this year. All the little moments. The quick phases. The tiniest change. The wheels turning and the learning constantly occurring. Will i notice as much next year when i am swamped with papers to be corrected, buried with curriculum to be taught, overwhelmed with lesson planning, stretched in so many directions as i learn how to teach and what to teach? Trying to be the wife, mom, teacher, friend, and Lindsey that i want to be.

Other parts of me are getting more and more excited to return to society, to laugh with my friends in the lounge, to be challenged, to learn, and to impact students. I will return as a different teacher, i am sure. I think i will view each individual child a little differently. They are someone's daughter or son. Their parent(s) are trusting me with their child. I will spend more waking hours with their children than they do. That is both amazing and scary. Maybe i will hug longer, listen more, and try harder.

I feel kind of guilty for looking forward to going back to work. . . and i don't even completely want to go back. Some moments all i want to do is stay home another year so i don't miss a moment with jaelynne. I dread returning to school. But other moments, i catch myself excitedly daydreaming about what my classroom will look like and what i will be teaching.

Next year is going to be so different. This year was so good. No wonder i am having problems falling asleep. Thoughts race through my head of doing lunch count next year, or running centers, or teaching counting, or zipping up pants. If i was in third again, i would definitely be getting more sleep!

I know i might really like first grade, but the amount of time and money that this change takes is going to be crazy. I feel like i won't even see jaely next year, if i want to be a descent teacher for these kids. Too much change all at once. Back to work. Different grade level expectations. Different aged kids. TJ down to part time. Different classroom. Different teachers to work with.

Now that TJ is part-time, it isn't like we could just switch roles. He can't do all the housework i currently do and work part-time. Something has to give! Our house is about to get a little dustier! Will you still love us??!!

It helps to get some of these mixed-up swirling thoughts, emotions, and fears out. :)

I do love blogging. . .and eating.
Maybe a piece of Texas Sheet Cake would help. . .

2 comments:

Sarah Starr said...

You KNOW Texas Sheet Cake can help anything. ;) btw, that pic will haunt my dreams!

Of course you are excited about going back to school next year. Teaching is one of your passions. You are a mother, and a wife, and a teacher. Those are all things you've wanted to be all your life. This year you got to focus on two of them...next year you will have all three to focus on.

Try not to feel guilty about your bits of excitement. It certainly doesn't mean you love Jaely any less, it just means you love Lindsey too... all the different parts of Lindsey. And THAT makes a good mom, and a fantastic example to your little girl. :)

Ang said...

yes. all of what you said...and all of what *sarah* said.

:)

You will find a balance... sortof :)

and...unless you are superhuman (which i do suspect is a possibility) you will probably let more things go...in many of your roles (wife, mom, teacher...) People tell me all the time, but I still need to hear it more...

"your house will not be perfect right now, or even clean sometimes, you might not invest as much as you hope at school (though you will be an Amazing teacher)...but that's okay."

For me, it's really hard to let it all be 'okay'...instead of feeling guilty for all the unfinished, not-quite-perfect things I am attempting..

I think it will be a really difficult adjustment in someways, but I think you might also feel more like you. Because teaching is so much a part of you. And Jaely will benefit from that more than anyone.

Losing sleep won't help though :)
Hopefully you are sleeping right now...I should be! (sigh) oh the internet...I hate how it steals my sleep!!