Not the Best

Today was not a great day as a mom or as a homeowner. I struggled with both today. . . maybe because i was trying to juggle both or maybe because i am in a reflective mood about how i am as a mother. I definitely don't need words that say how great a mom i am or how lucky jaely is to have me or blah, blah, blah. I don't need those because i know those. Those seem so shallow right now to me.

I struggled today because my personality is to take care of something quickly. For example, i don't see the need to put dishes by the sink or in the sink when they are dirty. . . just put them right into the dishwasher. When the leaves fall, rake. When the trash is full, take it out. When the dust forms on top of the wood, dust it. So, when your garage is full of wet, nasty valuables, clothes, decorations, books, etc. . . take care of them. Clean it up. Clean it out. Dry things out. Gets some air to things.

I can't do that with a one year old. I just can't. I can hardly get to the things that need to be done daily, let alone a minor disaster, like a flood. In the end, jaely gets the raw end of the deal- a mom who is too tired to talk or play and who is trying to get things done while jaely talks and plays by herself. Then, because i am tired, i don't have a lot of patience for things like opening cupboards and touching cords, etc. So i think she is being a little stink bug, when in reality it is my patience that stinks.

But that isn't even it. What is bothering me even more is the realization that i am who she spends most of her day with. This is going to be a hard one to explain. I think it is best explained by first giving an example. A few months ago, i had been trying to get jaely to clap. I would hold each of her hands and clap her hands together. it really wasn't working and i was fine that she wasn't clapping yet. I brought jaely to school one day and a dear teacher who has older kids of her own and a grandchild sat down with jaely and had jaely grab each of her hands and then she clapped her hands together, thus having jaely clap her hands too. I made the remark that i have never thought to teach jaely like that. She said it comes with experience. Another example might be when gail whispered in Jaely's ear for the first time when she was so young. Jaely loves it. I have never thought of doing that. My neighbor's kid is learning to trace his hand, not with any help of his mom, but because of his daycare person. My neighbor never thought to have him try that. My dad was the first one to try to stand jaely up on her legs on his table. I didn't think to do that. Instead of having high expectations for her to do things, i think i sell her short and then don't do things with her that i am supposed to.

I guess what i am saying is that i don't have expereince. Sometimes i feel bad that all jaely gets is me. That's it. . . me. Sometimes i think i would welcome an *excellent* daycare person for jaely. I definitely welcome grandparents to live closer. I love to see TJ spend time with jaely in the evenings because he does things differently with her. I watch to see what he does because a lot of times i have never thought of doing that.

I am not sure how jaely and i spend our days! Recently i have been so excited about the fine motor skills she has been getting- putting things in things, trying to put things together. I know that she definitely isn't in bad shape for having me with her for the majority of the day, but i am not sure if she is truly benifiting from it. I don't know what i am doing! I am new at this.

Today was a struggle. Poor TJ has spent his days pumping water, getting gas for the pump, moving the pump, vacuuming up water in the basement. . . which means i am stuck inside with jaely, just like any other day. . . possibly worse because he is working later than normal taking care of all this stuff. I needed a break desperatly. I am having a hard time being honest, for fear that i may sound like a bad mom, but i needed a break. I just needed someone else to think about what jaely is going to eat, or what we can play with next, etc. I needed a break from my routine. I needed it to feel like a saturday.

I still feel like i can't explain things adequetly. . . but i tried my best and i do feel better writing about it.

I am blessed.
I am loved.
I am a mother (something i have wanted for a long time)
We are healthy.
Things are good. . . they really are. :)