Another Major Roadblock

I literally clapped when the nurse told me i had just a few cysts and could start my next round of shots right away. This is the first time that i was not instructed to take a whole month off and let my body "rest". I could get going right away!

I called TJ on my way home from GR. I had the three papers in my hand of dates, and appointments, of plans, and instructions. I rattled them off at him. . .and then he said it. He reminded me. He is going to Huston for four days. For four days that just happen to be when i probably need him close to me. . . very close to me, if you get what i mean. But we are never sure of the dates until we get to it. You can't really plan, but it just seems like it is very likely.

Argh. I cried and hung up the phone. What now? I already started my shots last night. The nurse instructed me to go ahead and then if i did have cysts, i would stop. I don't know what to do. . .

Things just aren't working out right now.

Life Comes to a Standstill

Every time i find out that we are not pregnant after a month of shots, moodiness, doctor appointments and subplans, my day kind of stops. I can have the greatest intentions of getting a lot of things done, be in the best of moods and then all of a sudden just want to crawl into bed and cry. My motivation gets sucked out of me. My smile and laughter fades. I have a hard time finding a dry spot on my pillow to rest my head. I know it isn't the end of the world. I know people are suffering far more than we are. I know we are blessed to already have Jaelynne. But it still sucks. It is such a tiring process and it starts all over again so quickly. I probably need to go to the doctor Monday to see if i have cysts or if we can start all over. Maybe after three rounds they need to further investigate things. Who knows?

Right now, all i know is that i feel like crap. My hopefulness quickly changed to hopelessness. I am crampy and crabby. I am uncharacteristically negative, and i don't know how to handle it. It is an unfamiliar quality that my heart doesn't know what to do with.

I don't want to go to church tomorrow and take care of other people's babies. I want to stay in bed for as long as possible (probably until 9:30, for me) and then mope around and play with Jaely.

I know i will snap out of it, it is just the waiting until then that gets old. My appointment will probably do it. I will have a plan then. Guess i need to make sub plans, but i am not sure for what day or for half a day or all day.

Little Mern

I used to love visiting my mom's classroom. I would help her every year in the late summer preparing her classroom for teenagers. i started going when i was real young and i was only good for cleaning desks. By the end i was climbing on chairs to hang posters and alphabetizing and organizing a number of things. I would go in to her school a few times during the school year too. When i was young, i was kind of shy, but towards the end i was quite the show-off and remember putting great thought into what i was going to wear. Her students called me "Little Mern." My mom's nickname was Mern. Almost every student called her that instead of Ms. Michael or Mrs. Dungan. I liked when students called me that because i so wanted to be like my mom.

On Thursday, TJ brought Jaelynne to my classroom to our Valentine's party. I don't think he realizes how much that meant to me. You know what my students said when they saw jaely? "Oh look! It is a little Mrs. Ellis!" "It is a mini you, Mrs. Ellis." They had know idea what it felt like to hear those words. They were excited to finally meet this little girl that they hear so much about. She walked around their tables and pointed to the kids. She even attempted to hand out valentines like the kids did. And. of course, she wore her pink tutu with her heart shirt.