Every time i find out that we are not pregnant after a month of shots, moodiness, doctor appointments and subplans, my day kind of stops. I can have the greatest intentions of getting a lot of things done, be in the best of moods and then all of a sudden just want to crawl into bed and cry. My motivation gets sucked out of me. My smile and laughter fades. I have a hard time finding a dry spot on my pillow to rest my head. I know it isn't the end of the world. I know people are suffering far more than we are. I know we are blessed to already have Jaelynne. But it still sucks. It is such a tiring process and it starts all over again so quickly. I probably need to go to the doctor Monday to see if i have cysts or if we can start all over. Maybe after three rounds they need to further investigate things. Who knows?
Right now, all i know is that i feel like crap. My hopefulness quickly changed to hopelessness. I am crampy and crabby. I am uncharacteristically negative, and i don't know how to handle it. It is an unfamiliar quality that my heart doesn't know what to do with.
I don't want to go to church tomorrow and take care of other people's babies. I want to stay in bed for as long as possible (probably until 9:30, for me) and then mope around and play with Jaely.
I know i will snap out of it, it is just the waiting until then that gets old. My appointment will probably do it. I will have a plan then. Guess i need to make sub plans, but i am not sure for what day or for half a day or all day.
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