Reclaiming My Confidence

It's crazy to me how carrying around a lot of excess weight, weighs you down in more ways than one.  When I gain weight, my confidence gets swallowed up and cowers in the midst of me.  I know it's there somewhere, but the anxiety, fear, doubt, and negative wonders overpower it.  I notice my cowering confidence in social settings, like when I meet new people.  Or, when i am in a restaurant wondering if i can squeeze between tables to get to our table or if I can fit comfortably in a booth.  I notice it with colleagues, wondering if I am hiding my rolls even a little bit and losing confidence in speaking up.  I notice it with my family, wondering if Jaely realizes yet that she has a "fat" mom and wondering if she is at the age yet where she will be embarrassed to have me meet her new friends.  I notice my cowering confidence when TJ wraps his arms around me for a kiss.  I especially notice it in front of my students as they stare at me all day long, wondering what they may say about me on the playground or if they will use me as an example of an adverb again and say "Mrs. Ellis walked fatly across the classroom." I know it sounds like I think people watch me and talk about me all the time.  I'm really not self-centered, at  least I don' think! I know that is not the case.  I know it is a mental issue, but whatever it is, it is real

The thing is I know that with the weight gain, my confidence suffers.  I know that i feel so much better when i eat better, but sometimes it just takes the right something to flip a switch in your mind and to do something about it.  I am so glad that happened. . . again, but this time, I am hoping to change and mold my mind and habits differently.

I cannot begin to explain the happiness and confidence i feel with 40 pounds gone.  I smile more.  I have more energy.  I have confidence, not cowering, but proud.  And, it's not the kind of confidence that thinks I am all that, it is the kind of confidence of being happy with who I am and knowing that what I say is important and matters.  It is a wonderful feeling to be able to slip pants on that you haven't worn in a long time, to go out to a store and try things on just because you want to see what new size you are, and to spring out of bed anxious to step on the scale or take measurements and start drinking water.

I Cried

I cried this morning, rather expectantly.  It just sneaked up on me and caught me off guard while I was busily getting ready for the party today.  It hit me that 5 years ago today, I was carrying around 14 pounds of baby and anxiously awaiting their arrival.  We always said we were 'prepared not to be prepared."  How can you be?  Babies are miraculous, complicated, and emotion making responsibilities.  You can't be prepared for that.

And now, already 5 years later, here they are.  No more toddlers toddling around.  No more bottles, squishy diaper butts, high chairs, crawling, drooling, up in the middle of the nights.  It's all gone.  While in the midst of all that, the sleep deprived days were so very long, yet the years were/are so very short.  My babies have grown up.  No more babies. It makes me sad, but at the same time, so proud of their independence.  Five. years. old. 

Wow.

So, I cried.  I cried in remembering their squishy diaper butts and the smell of their sweet hair.  I cried thinking about all the milestones they have already reached- walking, talking, riding a bike, writing, and dreaming of the ones they will hit in the future.  I cried because my mom should have been at this party celebrating her grandsons.  I cried because there are two of them and wanting to make it special for each boy.  I cried with an overwhelming feeling of being so incredibly blessed- a husband who is a true partner and teammate and doesn't roll his eyes at an idea like a monster truck watermelon, two daughters who are so unbelievable, and two boys who make me a better person and a better mom.  I cried out of guilt, knowing that I was a little harsh on the little monsters that were making messes faster than I could clean up.  I made it a goal for the next get together to be more aware of that and a little less uptight about it.  I cried out of joy, out of letting go, and out of blessings.

Seeking Balance

The definition of balance is "a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions."

As school begins tomorrow, I am striving to keep balance in my life.  There are so many "different elements" I have in my life and keeping them in the right proportions is a tremendous feat.  School tends to disproportionately take my time and my energy, leaving little left for my family and my health.  Recently, about seven weeks ago, I made health a priority.  Before, it wasn't even considered.  So, although I am thankful that my health is getting great attention, it means there are even more "elements" to keep in check and keep balanced.  Thankfully, the program I am on is easy.  There have been many back to school seasons where I am on a diet or a program, and as soon as the stress of school presents itself, I struggle.  When I struggle, I make mistakes.  When I make mistakes, I give up.  When I give up, I gain 50 pounds.  Not this time.  I am learning that it's not about perfection, but about the process.  This year, some things at school are just going to have to be okay.  And, I hate that.  I hate not giving it my all, but my all is never enough anyway.  My kids, my husband, my health deserve attention as well.  I am trying to accept that there are deadlines I may not make.  There are best practices I might not be able to do.  There is feedback that might not be as timely as I would like.  I am going to do the best I can with the time and energy that I can give to school.  I am going to be mindful of balance.  I am going to take care of myself and my family.  I refuse to get sucked into the stress.  If you see me, ask how I am doing with my goal of balance.  Better yet, ask my kids how they think I am doing with it.  That will be a truthful perception.