Cotton Balls

When i take the polish off of my nails or when i get the eye gunk from Jaely's eyes i reach for a cotton ball.

The package reads "triple sized" cotton balls. TJ recently bought 10 packages of triple sized cotton balls (yes, 10). I have never seen a package that wasn't "triple sized." For what would they be good? When in my life would i need a cotton ball a third of the size? Somewhere down the line the cotton ball has transformed into a larger more plush version of its original puny size. Now the normal is the triple size. . . one simply cannot find double or original size. Did they even make a double, or did they skip right to the triple?

Important stuff to ponder.

Thinking Outside the Box. . .

is not a strength of mine. So, my head hurts trying to. The gears have been going non-stop for two days, and i know i should stop, but i cannot.


In January, TJ and i were going to make a decision about him staying home next year to take care of Jaely. It is not looking good, but it has to work some how. We want it to.

We met for lunch today at City Cafe (i had a coupon, but we still didn't really have money for it). It was nice to meet TJ and see him in the middle of the day and Jaely loved it.

We are trying to brainstorm ways for it to be possible for him to stay home. . .

He thought of staying home next year to watch Jaely and maybe other people's kids. He said that would be ideal. He LOVES kids and would get to stay home with Jaely and we would have some other money coming in. The problem: we don't really know anyone looking for a trusting place to take their child for the day. And we don't really know how all the details work.

We both, independently, thought of buying a cheaper smaller house. But we both dismissed that option. Besides not being a good time to sell, we love our house, feel it is perfect of us, and i feel that it was a miracle we found it when we did and for the price we did.

We both thought of one of us working part time next year. It would be easier if TJ did. I would have to find someone to share the job with me and get it approved. TJ's days are separated by hours. . . students don't know if he is there all day or not. We would still need to find day care for part of the day.

Of course we thought of some cuts we could make in our expenses, but not enough.

I could and most likely will work during the summer or i could start now and work nights and weekends. . . and not see my husband very much.

My biggest problem is in my head. I want Jaely (and our future kids) to have money to go camping, to go out to eat every once in awhile, to maybe go to Chicago for the weekend, to have cute clothes. I need to bleieve that none of that really matters.

People have always been most important in my life. Not things. Why am i having such a problem with it. I want Jaely to understand that too. That things are not important, but family and people are.

Then i think if we both did work, we could do some extra things- like finish our basement, buy the land behind our house, buy things for our kids, save for their college, save for our retirement, etc. Things might not be as stressful.

This whole time looming in the back of my mind is us planning on starting to try for a brother or sister for Jaely when she is around a year. If TJ takes a year off this will have to be put on hold. We both cannot not be working. I don't have enough sick days to get paid maternity leave, so we would have no money coming in.

I know and understand that these decisions are not unique to us, but right now it is what is on our minds.

. . . and during all these thoughts, headaches, decisions, and discussions i look down at Jaely's face and realize that almost 8 months has flashed before my eyes. I want to savor these moments with her. She is growing up so quickly.

Prayers would be appreciated during all of these decisions and problem solving possibilities. :)

November Gloom

November has never been a favorite month for me, in spite of birthdays and thanksgiving. It is gloomy, gray, cold, brown, cloudy, and blah. Yesterday, i all i wanted to do was eat. And as i was thinking of christmas gifts for people, i started to desperately miss my mom. I watch Jaely and wish so badly that she would know my mom and that my mom could have had the opportunity to hold her warm cuddly body, to see her smile light up her whole face, to hear her giggle, and to smother kisses on her granddaughter. Rarely, but it happened yesterday, i thought to myself "it's not fair." I don't think that often, but it crept in and surprised me yesterday. It isn't fair for Jaely and it isn't fair for my mom.

I think of the Thanksgiving festivities and the christmas celebrations. Maybe church did it to me as dave spoke of traditions- that traditions have to be more than just an event, but they need to embody a person's character to be passed on to generations. I would hope that i embody some of my mom's traditions that Jaely will get to experience, but i am sad that she won't get to experience the shallower traditions as well. Sauteed mushrooms with lots of butter at Thanksgiving. Mistletoe hanging by the hallway. Decorated chandelier. Cookies- lots and lots of cookies. A designated christmas symbol ( i am the angel and when TJ and i got married, we were doused with the snowflake theme). Gold chocolate coins in my stocking. Surf and turf on the eve of christmas. Celebrating Thanksgiving on Friday after a morning of shopping.

I think of how jaely would have fit in to those traditions- bringing her to my mom's on thanksgiving and Christmas. My mom would be so excited to see her, she would be waiting by the door with her jammies on, coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. At the moment she saw us, both would be forgotten about, so she could grab jaelynne out of our arms. I never saw my mom with many babies, so i have a difficult time knowing how she would act, but i do know that she wanted us to have kids badly, almost to the point of nagging us. The 'when' questions appeared almost as soon as we were married (maybe before?).

I think this holiday season is going to be more difficult than i thought. I am excited about celebrating with a Jaely this year, but it makes the pain of not having my mom worse. I ricochet from being so excited to get jaely a stocking to being so sad that my mom won't be a part of these memories. It hurts and although i try to stay positive, sometimes (like on a dreary day of november) it just doesn't work.

At least the sun is out today.

I feel bad because i kind of ignored jaely this morning while i was taking care of some christmas gifts. She played by herself, which i know is good, but she was making noise trying to get my attention and i let her just keep playing by herself. Now she is napping.

Dinner

Tonight i made sloppy joes for dinner. I am not talking about the manwich kind that you buy in the can (although, there is nothing wrong with that kind). I am talking about bbq sauce, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, garlic and onion. Yum.

Today, Jaely actually fell asleep while we were at target. I could not beleive it. I was looking at little christmas outfits today and i got so sad thinking about my mom and how she would have surely started a theme for jaely this Christmas. It was real hard. I was choking back tears as i was going up and down every aisle. I did buy her a little classic pooh Christmas dress that came with matching tights. I just couldn't resist it. So cute.

Today is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday daddy-o! He is quitting smoking completley today. He is gradually gone down in the amount he smokes, but today was going to be the day he gave them up all together. Hooray!

This weekend was crazy busy, but a lot of fun. I took Jaely out and about all day in Grand Rapids. I kind of just wanted to see if i could handle her all on my own. Just little things like when you order at Panera Bread and you have a little one- do you leave her to go get your tray of food or do you try to juggle everything? Where will i nurse her? (which isn't a huge deal now that she also eats solids.) Will she take a nap eventually or will i have a very grumpy baby on my hands?

As it turned out, TJ got out of class super early. So we were able to hang out as a family. Jaely and i left the house around 10 and we all didn't get home until 7. It was nice to have such a change in the every day routine.

This weekend, we ran into people we know all over the place. I spotted our neighbors sitting across the room from us at church yesterday, so we chatted with them. We saw the Corbins getting out of their car as we were parking to eat at Olive Garden, so we ate with them. . . and their parents. And Ryan's parents paid for our meal. . . that wasn't supposed to happen. Then we ran into Al, Carrie, and four week old baby Cade at the mall and talked to them for awhile while standing in Hallmark about the new parenthood thing.

I went to a wonderful Discovery Toys party- might have one myself. They are great toys and they are guarenteed for life. I got Jaely just a few toys and was able to pay cash because i sold so many loopies on Friday at school.

My dad called and asked if Jaely could come out and play. We are anticipating his visit today. :)

I finally get my hair cut and colored tomorrow.

TJ is done with his grad class. The teacher asked if she could use his research paper (the one he stayed up all night to write) as an example of what a good research paper is.

I lost three pounds this week.

Life is good.

Granna

I miss my grandma. It would have been her birthday today.
The red.
The giggles.
The white curly hair.
The phone calls.
The elephants.
The sweet tooth i inherited.
The snorts.
The Jerusalem necklace.
The thoughtfulness.
The shrimp salad.
The smile.
The twinkle in her eye.
The small appetite (except for sweets)
The prayers.
The rosy palms.
The stories.
The dentures.
The perfect complexion.
The "BM" talk.
The "they say".
The tigers baseball.
The hugs & kisses.
The always wanting a hug from TJ.

Powerful

"Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could walk. Martin Luther King walked so Barack Obama could run. Barack Obama ran so our children could fly.”

- sorry, i don't know the source. That kills the English major in me.

Wow- Red Mesa Duffle. . . on clearnace.

i was on looking at verabradley.com for a description of a piece i want that i need to add to my christmas list. . . people are asking for my list, so i need to work on it a bit. Anyway, i stumbled across this beautiful thing. . . i was tempted to get it being that it is normally 80 dollars but on sale for 48. I love this print, but they are retiring it. I resisted the urge and didn't get it, but isn't lovely. It is a large duffel bag, and a beautiful one. . .
It is going on my christmas list. I am such a vera junkie.

Home

It feels good to be home.

This weekend was wonderful. Watching gail carry the jealy monkey to five houses in her neighborhood as we trick and treated was wonderful. She is such a proud grandma. We also got to see matt and Angie a couple of times and spend some time with lori and trevor. Today, we walked through their house that is being built. It is big and beautiful. . . it is neat to think of all the memories that will be made in that house. . . all the events, conversations, and people that will be imprinted upon that house.

Gail, Jaely and i went to Costco. It was nice to be out shopping with the girls and, of course, jaely did so well- even without a nap. Christmas is already in the air.

Lately, when i have been visiting the east side of the state, i deeply miss my mom. I think of how excited she would get knowing we were visiting with her granddaugher. How we too would go shopping together. . . we could have all even gone shopping together- me, Jaely, gail, and mom. She would have been so very excited to have Jaely come to her house.

i know i have said this before, but i am just so thankful for gail- for having a "mom" still in my life. I just got off the phone with her. I was calling to just tell her that TJ and i forgot to take the garbage out of the room that Jaely was sleeping in. That garbage had a couple of poopy, smelly diapers and we didn't want her to smell a funk a little later. Anyway, we talked for a long time about Jaely, and houses, family, and kids. I am so blessed to still have someone that i can be at ease with and talk about anything.

I am glad to be home. The familiearness of it. How perfect it is for us. The memories that we have created here. The warmth. Dreams of the future. Reminders of our blessings. Jaely rolled around on the lving room floor glad to stretch out- glad to be with her papa. He is making so much time for her, putting school to the side and spending time with his family.

Tonight Jaely was sitting for awhile on the floor on her blanket, her tummy so full and round, her smile so big and wet, and her eyes so bright and expressive. TJ and i just teared up. She is ours. She is in our house melting our hearts, making us laugh, wonder, and worry. This little girl changes before our eyes. Her face lights up when she hears my voice or sees her dad enter the room. There really is nothing that feels better. I am glad we got to share her incredibleness with others this weekend. It just isn't right to keep her to ourselves.