Monday, November 17, 2008

November Gloom

November has never been a favorite month for me, in spite of birthdays and thanksgiving. It is gloomy, gray, cold, brown, cloudy, and blah. Yesterday, i all i wanted to do was eat. And as i was thinking of christmas gifts for people, i started to desperately miss my mom. I watch Jaely and wish so badly that she would know my mom and that my mom could have had the opportunity to hold her warm cuddly body, to see her smile light up her whole face, to hear her giggle, and to smother kisses on her granddaughter. Rarely, but it happened yesterday, i thought to myself "it's not fair." I don't think that often, but it crept in and surprised me yesterday. It isn't fair for Jaely and it isn't fair for my mom.

I think of the Thanksgiving festivities and the christmas celebrations. Maybe church did it to me as dave spoke of traditions- that traditions have to be more than just an event, but they need to embody a person's character to be passed on to generations. I would hope that i embody some of my mom's traditions that Jaely will get to experience, but i am sad that she won't get to experience the shallower traditions as well. Sauteed mushrooms with lots of butter at Thanksgiving. Mistletoe hanging by the hallway. Decorated chandelier. Cookies- lots and lots of cookies. A designated christmas symbol ( i am the angel and when TJ and i got married, we were doused with the snowflake theme). Gold chocolate coins in my stocking. Surf and turf on the eve of christmas. Celebrating Thanksgiving on Friday after a morning of shopping.

I think of how jaely would have fit in to those traditions- bringing her to my mom's on thanksgiving and Christmas. My mom would be so excited to see her, she would be waiting by the door with her jammies on, coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. At the moment she saw us, both would be forgotten about, so she could grab jaelynne out of our arms. I never saw my mom with many babies, so i have a difficult time knowing how she would act, but i do know that she wanted us to have kids badly, almost to the point of nagging us. The 'when' questions appeared almost as soon as we were married (maybe before?).

I think this holiday season is going to be more difficult than i thought. I am excited about celebrating with a Jaely this year, but it makes the pain of not having my mom worse. I ricochet from being so excited to get jaely a stocking to being so sad that my mom won't be a part of these memories. It hurts and although i try to stay positive, sometimes (like on a dreary day of november) it just doesn't work.

At least the sun is out today.

I feel bad because i kind of ignored jaely this morning while i was taking care of some christmas gifts. She played by herself, which i know is good, but she was making noise trying to get my attention and i let her just keep playing by herself. Now she is napping.

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