Dirt

I smell like dirt. I have it under my nails, down my shirt and in my bra. But I am happy. I hate bugs and worms, but when I see them when I am gardening, it doesn't bother me. I am in their territory. They do such good for my plant friends. I didn't have much time to spend outside. The weather is just not cooperating with my schedule. I could spend hours out their dividing and weeding and cutting back, but instead I get small snippets of time out there. I weed in random spots as I listen to the baby monitor, waiting for my baby girl to wake up. Today, I rushed around as I listened to the thunder roll in. I got the rest of the annuals planted and cut the creeping jenny way back. It is growing like crazy, getting ready to invade my peony. Doesn't it know I treasure that Peony and will kill it if it comes within a foot of my peony. Obviously not. Pictures will come soon enough. If I could just stop the weeds and baby maple trees. . .

Ugh.

Camryn has a little cold. I rarely have to snuggle her to sleep, but tonight she needed a little help getting to sleep because she was congested. I stared at her and sang her "You are My Sunshine" and i thought that my friend, Kathleen, had once a long time ago did this to her then 6 month Greta. I am sure she looked into her baby's face and wondered what the future would hold and dreamed of everything her daughter would grow up to be. Greta was healthy at one point. I am sure she never imagined while looking into the eyes of her 6 month old that her daughter would get so sick with Leukemia at such a young age and for such a long time.

I just keep tearing up today, especially when i am carrying Cami and we were cheek to cheek. My heart is so heavy as my friend's daughter fights for her life as a second grader. I don't know many details. Those will come later. I do know that my friend is close to tears at school, that she longs to be with her daughter, but instead she is at work. I know that the docs have to run more tests. I know that Greta got her wish a couple weeks ago- to go to Disney with her family.

I don't know how much longer Greta can fight. She's been fighting for three years. There does not seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. Chemo has destroyed the three tiny bones in her ear. She is deaf in one ear. Chemo kills brain cells every time. Some of the side effects of treatments is other forms of cancer. The snippets i get of Greta holding onto her mom for dear life as the doctors have to rip her out of her mom's arms, of how no one will insure Greta when she is older, of the constant trips to GR and still trying to keep life as "normal" as possible for Grace, their oldest.

I don't know a lot of details. Kathleen doesn't like to sit and chat about it. I understand. I get it. But i see it on her face. When she needs something to eat, but doesn't have anything, i give her a snack. When she needs a pepsi, i scrounge around for change and get her one. I send her cookies and cards, hugs and prayers. I set yellow daffodils in her room. I feel so helpless. I know she is hurting so much today. She clammed up, held back tears and changed subjects. I don't know many details. I know i will later. She always tells me later, when things have settled down a bit, but i never get the full story. How can i? There would be so much pain in it, so much anger and sadness. So much doubt and guilt. In just one moment, so much can change. Greta was tired. . .. really, really tired so they took her to the doctors. Cancer. A three year struggle and for how much longer?

I am not making much sense, but if you are reading this please pray for a little girl named Greta who had red curly hair and likes to laugh. Pray her for parents, Kathleen and Rich and for their marriage. Pray for her bigger sister, Grace. Please pray.

More gardening

I took this at night time as i was finishing up planting some flowers. It almost glowed.My peony is about to burst open. My mom would have loved to share and compare flowers. This peony was given to my by a friend. It isn't the kind that my mom once had (i wonder what it looks like now) but i do love it. And it seems really happy.
These little gnomes live in my garden. Whenever Jaelynne spots one she calls it santa claus. I move them around on her every now and then. They hide and aren't obnoxious (like some gnomes can be).

The new kid on the block- my solar powered glow in the dark lantern carrying fairy that i got from my dad. She is beautiful and the perfect size for her new home. Jaely hasn't met her yet. Darkness is just coming and you can tell her lantern has a little glow to it.

This is such a steep hill and it holds our air conditioner. I love what the sweet woodriff has done to it. There is some snow on the mountain at the bottom, too
The bottom garden is starting to look like a garden again after the flood two years ago. Things are planted. The shasta daisies and black-eye susan survived, although the black-eyed susan comes up all black and shriveled. I bought a healthy one to try to encourage the rest. :) There are also two coneflowers, dianthus, and two different kinds of bellflower (blue clips & another one). We also planted blanket flower for the first time ever because it was on super clearance, so i thought we should give it a try.

One of these things in this picture might be a weed. I don't remember so i am watching it carefully. It is huge and green and healthy. . . so it is probably a weed because it is in the lower garden.
I planted four columbine last night. They are flowers that definitely remind me of my mom. These ones are purple and white. They just always look so happy.

A new plant for the rock garden. A form of bellflower. I love the color.

Gardening

Things have changed a bit since i i took these pictures, but they were uploaded and just waiting for words. So, here they are. The shade garden is looking awesome with our two huge bleeding hearts, wild ginger, Solomon's seal, jacob's ladder, sweet woodriff, hostas and ferns.




The back garden is getting there. I am really hoping the mulch helps me with the weeds. I have a lot of planting to do. I spent my gift card from Weesies. . . with great joy, i might add.


Just waiting to me planted. . .

So in love & so thankful

So thankful for a husband who cooked dinner, cleaned up, ran the dishwasher, put Jaely to bed and put a load of laundry in the washer. Now he is snoring quietly on the chair as he takes a "nap" at 8:30 at night. Poor guy. He has the late night and now the early morning shift. I am so grateful that he truly is a partner in this journey with me.

Mother's Day

Being a mother is incredible, so incredible that i really can't explain it. I had no idea motherhood would be this amazing, challenging, rewarding, incredible, and exhausting.

Sometimes TJ and i just for fun think back to life before we had kids. It seemed so busy then. We were tired then and stressed. Now we just kind of laugh at ourselves because we had no idea what busy and tired really was.

I was treated like a queen bee today. I fed Cami at 7, but then TJ woke up so that i could go back to sleep. I slept for an hour more before i woke up and enjoyed scrambled eggs and buttered toast. TJ and Jaelynne made me a texas sheet cake. The sun was shining and i was itching to get out of the house. After Camryn woke back up, we all headed out for some perennial plant shopping, only to find that the place was closed. I was SO bummed! Jaely kept saying "it okay mama. It okay."

I worked in the garden a bit, went shopping for clothes for Jaelynne, ate my requested hamburger and cheesy potato dinner, avoided changing a very poopy diaper, and corrected papers on the deck.

I thought a lot about my mom, granna, and GG today. I thought about Dr. Dodd's and how thankful i am for technology and fertility treatments. I played with my girls, laughed and gave an enormous amount of kisses.

I watched my husband be an amazing dad and husband. I watched him think of all these little things he could do for me today as he showed my how much he appreciates me. Right now he just turned the dishwasher on, cleaned the table and is now cleaning the floors and chairs. He would do this if it wasn't mother's day. It is something he does often.

I have said it before, but I am so very blessed. Thank you for these gift you have given me, God.

I Know I signed Up for This. . .

and i am so glad that i did. This being a mom thing is wonderful. . . more than i ever dreamed it would be.

But sometimes, i just want a little "me" time. It is 7:20. Both girls are sleeping (well, one is and one is in bed) and TJ is at class. I actually have a tiny bit of energy left, but i have so many things that i should do, and a few things that i want to do. . .

Should do

• correct all those DRAs i did today (the written portions are going to take forever!)
• Balance the check book- two months worth
• pay bills
• wrap a present
• laundry
• dust (has been on my list for awhile now. . . )
• clean the kitchen
• write two thank you notes
• weed through the 700 pictures on my camera card
  

Want to do

• spread mulch
• scrapbook
• read one of the three books i have started
• read about the flowers in my garden
• catch up on the DVRs of American Idol, Grey's Anatomy, Big Bang Theory and Desperate Housewives
• find a babysitter so i could take advantage of the two Girls' nights out i was invited to this weekend.
• paint my toenails
• play Wii fit
• quick trip to Chicago
  

So, what to do, what to do. Tomorrow, TJ is at class all day again. I won't get much done, but i will get a lot of quality time with my girls. That just means that my list, either one, will not get any smaller. In fact, one or the other or both might even grow.

Love

I am just overflowing with love for my little girls. Squishy bottoms, personalities, conversations, contagious smiles, squeals of delights, drool, cuddles during a book, rice cereal and Kix cereal experiences, kisses & giggles and hugs of the grandest kinds.

What a deep, deep love.
Now i understand.
I get it.

Purple Hyacinths

We worked in the garden today as much as two kids would allow. Actually TJ was the chosen one for getting his hands dirty and doing the labor. I had to keep my hands somewhat clean to swoop in and pick up Cami at an instance of warning. I really can't quite imagine playing outside all day without the play set.

Early this morning, i was inside while Cami was sleeping, so that i could get some laundry done. TJ was out with the bug. All of a sudden as i am folding a pair of jeans, i hear "mama! mama!" and a knock at the door. I opened to find this. . . Jaely holding a bowl full of hyacinths. It made me so incredibly happy. I said yesterday that i should cut some so i could enjoy them inside because i don't make it to the back very often during the week. I loved that she gave them to me with a big smile on her face. They are making our room smell unbelievable!
We are spreading mulch this year on the back gardens to help me with the weeds. I just couldn't keep up last year. It is the perfect time to do it because we got paid three times in the month of April. Hooray! I still have a gift card to Weesies that i am itching to spend. I am going to buy some flowers to replace the ones that got wrecked from the flood. I am so excited!!! The lower garden will have flowers once again!