Today: immature

Well, my left follicles were small and immature and she couldn't find any on the right. So, the dose is upped and we go back to Grand Rapids Thursday morning at 7:40. I have a sub in my room today until 11:30, so i am just hanging out. I will probably get some planning done. I really want to take a nap, but i doubt i could sleep. . . i would be so anxious about over sleeping or being groggy and i am getting observed at noon.

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow TJ and i go to Grand Rapids again to see if Femera and three shots have caused my follicles and eggs to be mature enough for me to ovulate. If they are mature enough, then i get another, different shot to make me ovulate. If they are not mature enough, which i am guessing they are not, then i get more shots of the same or more shots of a higher dosage. We will see. I am excited, but of course trying not to get my hopes up. I am in constant conflict between being too excited and being pessimistic. It has only been three shots and i actually have not noticed a change in my mood or anything, but maybe my follicles will surprise me tomorrow. I was out of my classroom on Friday due to curriculum planning and i will be out tomorrow morning for my appointment. I am getting observed when i return in the afternoon. I am sure if my follicles are not mature, then i will get more shots and have to return in a couple of days. More sick days, more sub plans. But, TJ keeps reminding me that we have not had to pay for a thing yet. . .my appointments, my medication, my ultrasounds, my shots. . . .has all been paid for. We are blessed. I am trying to get a lot of rest because i have been fighting a cold and i really don't want one right now, not when all this is going on. So i am hanging low and taking it easy. I think TJ has a little too much enjoyment with poking me with a needle! I am hoping for good news tomorrow, but am prepared for needing more shots.

Today is a happy day!

Twenty-eight years ago, a little baby TJ was born to wonderful parents. I cannot imagine my life if that birth didn't occur. I am so blessed that our paths crossed. . .of all the people to know, of all the places to live, all the churches to attend. . .and yet our paths still crossed. TJ is the best listener, the best friend, the best companion, and the best husband God could have ever made for me. I could go on and on, but i am sure TJ would prefer i stop. . . so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TJ! You are loved by many. Thanks for being the wonderful you.

Mmmm. . . Doritos

We never buy Doritos, never. TJ and i were both craving them, so over the weekend we bought a bag, and they were buy one get one free. We ate a bag over the weekend, and now i am eating the other bag. I wonder how many points i am rapidly consuming as i type this and munch. I just cannot stop. They are a crunchy, cheesy, delicious treat.

Outing

I did have an outing. We put on our long underwear. I wrapped a scarf around my neck and we both put hats on our heads. Then, bundled up in our warm jackets and boots we set out for a walk in this winter wonderland. The silent huge flakes piled on our shoulders and heads as we walked slowly down the road that had no tracks or footprints. It was a wonderful, quiet, peaceful walk that we thought was necessary after being stressed out trying to make plans for the week. It was just what we needed. Now, we need to eat stuff that is bad for us and snuggle in for the night. The snow is still falling outside, collecting on all the tree branches. It is still and silent. I don't think church is in our plans for the night. Sometimes, church causes one not to "be still." I am trying to be still and not be constantly wishing i could fast forward my life through this week. And if the shots don't work this round, i don't want to feel like fast forwarding my life again. I want to take deep breaths and live for today, enjoy today, be still for today. . . knowing God will be. It was nice to actually want to pause my life for a change as i was outside letting enormous, puffy flakes land on my nose while taking a walk with the love of my life. Life is good. Why fast forward through this and miss all the good?

Staying Home

This weekend, i have not had that intense need to venture out of my house. I have been content with staying home, relaxing, reading, playing games, cleaning, doing laundry. It is actually kind of nice. The only outing that i have had was to go to Meijer with TJ to pick up some stuff to make homemade pizza. We hung out with the Starrs last night. Played games, Watched the Office. Ate Pizza. Ate ice cream. Laughed until i cried. TJ and Nate killed Sarah and me in the game Buzzword. But i regained some of my composure when i beat everyone in Apples to Apples. It was great because it required no make-up, jammy pants, and undone hair.

TJ and Nate hold up the their winning score board for Buzzword

Today i am staying in too. I have already enjoyed a warm Chai and read a little bit. TJ made coffee in his crazy contraption of a coffee pot that he purchased while in Kansas. It is a science geek's dream. Being based on pressure from boiling water did create an exciting coffee making presentation. Today TJ and i have to "practice" administering the shot that i will get to partake in in a few days. We have an appointment tomorrow in G.R. and they ask us to demonstrate our ability to give the shot. I hate tests!Abby relaxes while we watch The Office

TJ's crazy coffee pot


TJ tries to play Civilization with Abby in her favorite spot.

Something to Ponder

I finished the fourth travelling pants book, now i am on to Searching For God Knows What.

In the book Donald Miller writes of when he was in high school he told God he doesn't exist- this is from later in Searching For God Knows What, by Donald Miller-
"I remember seeing that made-for-TV miniseries with Shirley MacLaine called Out on a Limb. There's a part in the movie where Shirley MacLaine goes for a walk on a beach and starts twirling around, saying 'I am God, I am God, I am God,' right there in the waves. I heard a lecture by novelist Frank Peretti in which he wondered what that must have sounded like to God. He leaned up to the microphone and squeaked out, in a very little voice, 'I am God, I am God, I am God.' He got a big laugh out of that from the audience. What he was saying was that Shirley MacLaine's voice must have sounded very small to God, on account of she was standing way down on earth on a beach, twirling around."
"I can understand why somebody would think they were God, though. In the first moments after I wake up, especially in the winter when I have left the windows open, I am quite taken aback by my existence; my hands, my eyelids, the feel of my feet rubbing against the blanket. In moments like this, I get the feeling that life is a great deal more complex than I am able to understand. I feel in these moments that I am fairly intricate and amazing; a speaker for a mouth, two cameras for eyes, sticks for legs, a computer for a head, a million sensors in a million places. I could see how somebody would think they were a god; but I could also see how somebody would think that person was a nut too. If you are a god and I am a god, we are all gods and then the whole thing just gets boring."
"I tell you all this only to say I came back to God. All the complexity about life was begging for an explanation; and me actually being god wasn't answering very many questions. And so in a way, i left the old god of easy answers, the god who was always wanting me to be rich or wanting my country to be better than other countries or, for that matter, for me to be better than you. I left that god the preachers talk about on television and politicians mention in their prayers. But I left room open for another God, a God who might explain my existence, explain the complexity of my hands and feet and feelings and the very strange and mysterious fact that even as I type this i am breathing."
"I confess, I feel there is a God who is very big and who understands everything. In the morning, when i get over these little moments of epiphany about how complex my construction is i begin to fear the God that is, because He made all this that is our existence and He understands its physics. Whatever it is that understands the physics of this thing that is happening to us would have to be quite remarkable, with giant oaks for feet, perhaps, and a voice like wind through a forest and a mind that creates creations of which it might ponder in a way of learning what it already knows. I start to think about this and i confess, it stirs a certain fright and it helps me believe the Scripture that teaches His ways are not like our ways."
"I realize it isn't a big deal to fear God these days, but i do. By that i don't mean i have just a deep respect for Hom or a healthy appreciation for Him; I actually get a general sense of terror. It isn't because i think He is a bad guy, because i don't. The sense of terror comes more from the idea that He is so incredibly other, has claimed He has created a kind of afterlife for people, has been born and will never die and doesn't exactly live in space. A God who is that different, that other, can tell you again and again He loves you and you are still going to be quite a bit afraid, just because of what it feels like when you think about His nature."
"I say all this because the other side of what Shirley MacLaine was doing on that beach isn't funny. From God's perspective, looking down at this squeaky voice going off about how she is God is pretty funny, but the other side, the side that knows how very large God is, he He has no end, gives me a start something terrible. And i wounder what it sounded like to God when Jerry Falwell went on television and said the reason the twin towers were hit by those planes was because there were homosexuals in the building. I wonder what kind of annoying squeak that was in God's ear. I don't think a person who makes statements like that fears God. I don't think people like this respect God when He says to love your brother, love your enemy, turn the other cheek, don't judge lest you be judged, be patient, be kind, hold your tongue and give every effort to keep the bonds of peace. Sometimes, honestly, I feel that squeaky-wheeled Christian leadership can be as wrong about God as Shirley MacLaine. I don't think they actually fear Him or think He means what he says."
"I was pleased to discover the God of Scripture is much larger than this. Everybody who met God in the Bible was afraid of Him. People were afraid of even the angels, so the angels always had to calm people down just to have a conversation. I would think that would be very annoying if you were an angel, always having to settle people down just to talk. It makes you wonder if the first thousand years in heaven will have us running around screaming like we would during an earthquake, the whole time God saying to us in an enormous booming voice, Calm down, calm down, will you, it's just Me."
"If you ask me, the way to tell if a person knows God for real, i mean knows the real God, is that they will fear Him. They wouldn't go around making absurd political assertions and drop God's name like an ace card, and they wouldn't be making absurd statements about how God wants you to be rich and how if you send in some money to the ministry God will bless you. And for that matter, they wouldn't be standing on a beach shouting about hew they are God, twirling around in the waves. It seems like, if you really knew the God who understands the physics of our existence, you would operate a little more cautiously, a little more compassionately, a little less like you are the center of the universe."

Guess Where i am. . .

Right now, i typically am teaching reading to squirrelly kids, but instead i am home, still in my pajamas wrapped up in a blanket blogging. Yes, another snow day to make a weekend longer. I am so blessed! I was even supposed to get observed today. Of course, as i am trying to fall back asleep after my phone call and after i have makeup on and and have been up for quite some time, i worry about stupid stuff. We have a field trip to the Muskegon County museum. . . i am not ready for it and my students were not reminded about it today because i am not seeing them. So that means i will have a ton of students who do not bring a lunch, and since we are leaving 15 minutes after they arrive, there is not much time to do anything about it. Also, i did not run off their museum scavenger hunt, yet. So, should i go into school anyway and use this as a catch up day? Nah, i think i will paint my toenails, eat at olive garden, and scrapbook. Life is good. Thank you God.

Hilarious Horse Head

I cried when Charlotte died today. I knew it was coming, and i did it anyway. I hated seeing her getting old, losing her energy and her sparkle. Although i do have to admit it took me awhile not to shiver with creepiness when she moved her eight spindly legs across the thin silky strands of hers, but i did come to love her with her multi-eyed face, her puffed abdomen, and her furry looking mouth thing. After the movie, the lady behind me responded "i have never read the book, but i think it is a classic." I was astounded and embarrassed for her. How could she not have read Charlotte's Web? It was one of the best children's books ever that portrays the qualities of a perfect friend and how two ordinary things can come together at just the right time and create something so incredibly extraordinary. If you have never read the book, please don't tell me, but make a promise to yourself that you will read it. promise? Good.

We went to the Pizza Ranch yesterday with the Starrs. Have i ever mentioned on here how much i love. . . i crave their homemade potato chips? They have the perfect amount of crunch coupled with the perfect amount of zestiness. Their pizza is good too. Anyway, this place is a combination of pizza buffet meets cowboy/southwestern style ranch. Bazaar. On the mustard yellow wall across from our table there was this protruding black horse head crookedly hanging. I had noticed it looking at me all through my potato crunching, cheesy pizza eating experience. It was creeping me out. Doesn't it know it is not polite to stare? When my plate was empty and i had had dessert, this older gentleman strolled across the restaurant ever so slowly as he gazed and tilted his head at the decorative horse head and then stopped right in front of it. He was fascinated. Intrigued. Mesmerized. I watched in pure curiosity and wonderment. Getting his face inches from the horse's eyes, ever so slowly he gingerly picked up the reins of the horse and brought them down past the horse's head. Moving his face back a bit, he looked at this change he had caused and contemplated if it was a good look for the horse. He decided it was not. getting closer once again, he carefully brought the reins back over the horse's head and set them gently on top of the horse's head so that one section of the reins fell in between the horse's ears. He stood looking at this protruding horse head. Turned on his heels and walked back to his table to finish his pizza. My eyes were filling with tears as i laughed as quietly has my heart would let me.

Swirling Feelings

After todays visit to G.R. for my doctor's appointment and shopping i feel. . .

Excited: to take the next step, to have a chance to get pregnant in the next three months, to talk to a doctor who has a personality, but also confirms that what my previous doctor did was good, to read Forever in Blue: The fourth Summer of the Sisterhood, to find a beautiful table at Isreals

Nervous: of how i am going to treat my husband, friends and students while being pumped full of hormones, of having the side affect of excessive weight gain apply to me after i have worked so hard to take it off, of giving myself shots everyday, of looking like an idiot because i already LOST the script the doctor wrote for me, of actually getting pregnant and then we will be responsible for another human being!, of getting pregnant with twins or triplets (this is exciting, too, but also something that creates nervousness in me!)

Worried: about missing so much school and having to write so many sub plans and still have my students learn what they need to learn, about finances, about timing, about actually getting pregnant and having a miscarriage, about doing my thesis in the spring/summer

Relieved: from my appointment being over, from not having to even take off an item of clothing, from meeting in his office rather than a sterile room with stirrups, from not having a plan, from finding the perfect table at Isreals when i thought there was no hope

Excited: see above. . . because this is the prominent feeling i have right now.

Moving on

I am moving on from just my ordinary infertility specialist and going to a real, live reproductive endocrinologist in grand rapids. Excitement and nerves. I hope there will not be a ton of retesting, re-x-raying, re-ultra sounding. I had all of my records sent there and we are coming with the x-rays and "the notebook" that we have documented everything in. Thankfully our appointment is early in the morning (8:00) so we can have fun in G.R. for the rest of the day, when we could have been at school. Subplans, however. . .not so fun to write. And then there is always that nagging feeling like i forgot something on my three page sub note, or that i forgot to leave materials out. Anyway, there is nothing i can do now, but not worry about it.

For those of you that read yesterdays post. . . i went to bed at 7:45! I guess i was tired.

Is it January Already?!

Well, this is the first blog of the year. That is unlike me. Right now i am so exhausted that i can hardly move my fingers. I gave what energy i had to 24 little kids today. I didn't get much sleep last night. I rarely do on Sunday nights. I went to church last night (which is a new thing since i stopped going to OVCC). It was refreshing to go, i guess. After church we got together, like we often do and chatted, joked, ran after kids, held babies, discussed issues, etc. I don't get enough sleep because of it. I think i got home close to 11, and then i need my wind down time and then it is up at 5:15, bright and early. I wouldn't give it up though. It is such a small sacrifice for something i want. . . i need, and something that i can give. It may decrease the amount of sleep i get, but that is nothing compared to messed up feeding schedules, bed times, potty training, diet vanilla cherry dr. pepper, ice cream, pizzas, and stolen quietness that the others are giving up. It is so nice to hang out. . . to hear about life from a different perspective other than mine. And, i just love the great mix of personalities that are smooshed together. It is real entertaining, fulfilling, and refreshing. Well, i am going to bed early tonight. Pool School awaits me tomorrow.