Cloudy Day

I am in a funk. There seems to be many reasons. I kind of feel like Eeyore, but i realize i will be back to my normal un-eeyore self sometime soon Today i blame my funk on the clouds, and the approaching mother's day holiday. I will be in California on Mother's day, but i am hearing the advertisements and seeing the greeting cards now. . . where it is cloudy and sometimes lonely. TJ and i are really struggling to be content right now. We so desperately want a child to love and to hold. It seems pregnant people and little kids are stalking us, every where we turn there is one, and it makes it seem so obvious that we are without. I know we are just ultra sensitive to those around us, like when you know you need a pair of sandals, so you find yourself looking at everyone's shoes. It makes us want to eat, cry, hug. I feel like i am writing the same old thing on this blog. . . i long for a baby. Someday, i hope. . . i pray. . . i beg that i will be sharing good news. Will that time ever come? I do have doubts. If i can make it. If the time will come. If i can stay away from being a bitter, joyless person. I am so tired of this. I had at one time a group of nine friends who were pregnant. . . some of them are pregnant again, or probably will be soon. Seeing the babies and kids are almost worse. My yearning for being pregnant is still there, but my desire to be a mother is more intense.

I am going to eat, i think. Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Thanks for caring. My friends and family are the best!

I am so excited, and i just can't hide it

I am so excited that Jason, my brother, is getting married soon. Not only do i get a wonderful trip to California because of it, but i get to celebrate with him and his soon-to-be wife, hang out with family, eat yummy food, be free from 24 students, and maybe. . . relax! I cannot wait, i am sure jason is a little more anxious than me, but i am still so excited. It will be so nice to hang with my dad and my oldest brother, jered. I am bummed that no one from my mom's side is coming. Jason said he was bummed too, but what can you do? My mom left behind two sisters and a brother. . .and a husband and a step-son and step-daughter. None of them are coming. I understand that it is quite a trek out there, but it still stinks. On my dad's side, my aunt and uncle are coming, but there is no way my grandma can even make it to the outside door of her apartment complex, let alone California. We promised to show her all our pictures. Anyway, i am going to try to relax tonight. I have been going to bed so late, getting up early, and moving non-stop. tomorrow night i have class, but it is the last class that i have to take to get my masters. :)

Good night.

Wet nails

You will have to excuse this post. I am very tired, almost half asleep. I cannot really lay down on the couch, for fear that i will smudge the fresh polish on my toe nails. I sacrificed sleep for acceptable sandal-wearing toe nails. It is all i can do to not have annie flop right on top of my feet and drool with pleasure of being 'petted'. Abby just wants to rub up against the nail polish bottle, the nail polish remover, and my steady hand trying to apply the hot pink color.

I am relaxed. I will be able to go to bed in seconds (as soon as i try, of course.) TJ. . . well that is a completely different story. Have you ever wanted to help someone, to alleviate some pain so bad that it made your heart ache? I know that TJ is blessed and there are people that are suffering in worse situations, but i just want to help him, to have peace wrap around him. He feels like he is doing so much and he is not doing a good job at any of them. I, of course, point to the hyacinths and lilies that he bought just for me and said that i have never doubted his love, so he must be doing a good job at being a husband. He thinks so much. . . about every thing, about things i don't even know or understand. School is high on the list. I cannot wait for the year to be over for him. Will next year be any better, though? Is it wrong to lower your expectations? Will he always struggle with the balance of work and life? I am sure he is worried about his sister, my health, students, getting pregnant, being pregnant, being parents, etc. I am sure he is not going to like all of this about him written on my blog. . . but it is my blog and these are my thoughts that consume me lately. I guess, i don't know what he needs. I could ask. I know i will pray.

We went out to eat with friends last night. We haven't seen them in ages. Actually, it is our old pastor from GVSU, John and his wife Sherry. He married us and he looks like Captain Kangaroo. It was wonderful to laugh and share stories and memories. It amazes me how some people can ask significant questions and can get the small talk to vanish. It was refreshing. If you ever hear Tj or i use the phrases "it's a non-issue" or "100%/ 100%" Those came from John. . . as for where he got them, who knows. 100%/100% is used in terms of relationships, especially marriage. Where you both give 100% and then there is overlapping. If someone's 100% isn't enough, there is always the other person's. If i know TJ has had a rough day, i make dinner and clean up. If i am stressed, TJ may empty the dishwasher or clean the bathrooms. We both give 100%. It works for us. Sure, we have our 'chores,' but they often get switched or taken care of by the other person. It just depends. All, i know is i never feel like he takes me for granted or any resentment or any bitterness. It is freeing. "non-issue" is pretty self explanatory. That one is my favorite.

My toe nails are dry to the touch, which means i can definitely lay on the couch, as long as i stick my feet out from under the blanket. But then i run the risk of Abby rubbing her face on my toes. She loves to rub her face on anything sticking out. TJ is downstairs exercising, which is the last thing i want to do when i am stressed beyond belief, but it works for him and Ultimate Fighter is on, so he can watch TV and get some exercise. Tomorrow is Friday. Oh Happy Day!

No period.

Well, i never got my period That really messes things up If we wait to do the hormones, (i will demand he gives us the ones that i know work), it doesn't work well with our trip to California If i wait a little longer, it puts us in the middle of a teacher's most stressful, crazy time I have so many field trips and learning and assessments and report cards to cram in to 34 days of school Let's see we have our pen pal meeting in the park, our music program, our day at Camp Pendalouon, planting flowers and a tour, maybe a museum, Memorial day, post tests, field day, third grade picnic, assemblies, ect all packed into very little time Plus i am already doubling up on math to try to fit it all in I guess because my period didn't come, i am kind of in a dilemma After watching House on Tuesday, i am reminded about how much your mind can effect your health and outcomes I don't want to be stressed during this next round I want to be relaxed and not have to make sub plans and not have to drive to GR twice a week (sometimes three) i need to be able to keep pushing forward with the curriculum, not leaving "easy" things that subs can do with the kids I think what i am saying is i need to wait until summer So, i am definitely going to call my doc on Monday and tell him that it didn't work (and we are not surprised that it didn't work) and tell him that i want what does work, but i want to start it later We are going to plan/time it to have doctor appointments the first week out of school in June That is of course if my cysts went away Until then, i will concentrate on losing my weight and keeping a smile on my face

Today at lunch a teacher told another teacher that the 'mom forward' she had e-mailed to her made her cry She said it was so good and touching The teacher that initially sent the e-mail said she would send it to all of us I turned to her with a smile on my face and politely said, please don't send it to me She replied, "Oh no, you will like it it is nice" I said, "No, you don't understand - i miss my mom and can't see her and i strongly desire to be a mom and i am not, so please don't send it" I guess it came out harsher than i meant it to, but no one seemed to react badly, so maybe i was alright- just a little forceful-oops

No period Sunshine Weekend Tons of papers to correct Scrapbooking Cleaning No period

I do love a good laugh.

I wore a rather sophisticated, dressy green sweater today. Before leaving the house for work, i always slip my rings on (so no one tries to hit on me ;) ), put on my necklace and earrings. Today i picked out a dangly green necklace and matching dangly earrings. I went out the door to begin my day. I had an 8:00 meeting with a parent. I taught all morning to 47 kids. Ate lunch with friends in the lounge and got up to use the bathroom. I did my business, washed my hands, and looked in the mirror. I thought i looked pretty good. And then I saw it. On my left earring there was a pewter moose earring hanging on for dear life. This moose earring belonged, of course, to my mom. She loved moose. This moose earing also has a big purple bead on it that goes lovely with the green on my other earring. I left the moose hanging, went back into the lounge and sat down at the table. I wanted to see if anyone noticed for a couple more minutes. All of a sudden i asked, "were you going to tell me i had a moose hanging from my earring, or were you also oblivious to it?" We laughed hard. I love laughing. I think it was perfect that it was a moose. Thanks for the laugh, mom. You always knew how to get me laughing.

Here Come the Migrants

First day back at school after a week of sleeping in late and conversing with adults. My 5:15 alarm shook me from such a deep sleep. What a shame. It was a pretty good day back. I have a new student. . .the migrants are starting to roll in. Asparagus is coming. My new student had to see the principal today for playground behavior. Oh goody. . . no honeymoon period with him. He looks old, too, like he should be in fifth grade or something. His sister is in another third grade class. i have her for reading. When i asked if they were twins, he said no. Hummmmm . . .

No energy to sew, read, or exercise, BUT i did for the first day in a long time stick to my weight watchers points for the whole entire day. Yes, i feel proud of myself. Now, i have tomorrow to achieve the same goal. I was starting out every day good, and then get home and blow it, BUT not today. I even have points for a small bowl of ice cream. I had to write Edy's an e-mail because my mint chocolate chip slow churned ice cream has sour/rotten chips in it. Just to make sure i wasn't going crazy i innocently offered tj a bite of yummy ice cream. He said "This tastes wrong." Maybe we will get some money back. . . at any rate, they should be aware of the nastiness.

I know it is early, but i am going to get ready for bed. Get out of my lounging wear and into my pajamas. Maybe there won't be a G.R. trip this week after all. . . no period yet. I will keep you posted, sorry if it is too much information for some of you, but you are reading at your own risk.

Trying Something New

Today has been weird. Not a typical Easter. . . i miss my family, i miss the sunshine with the hyacinths blooming, i miss church, i miss not having to worry about school and report cards, i miss eating a big tasty meal (although i have totally filled myself with junk today). I feel fat, sad, and nostalgic. I am supposed to start my next cycle of the shots and junk, so the doctor put me on hormones to kick start my period, and, not surprisingly it didn't work. . . yet. It has been a week and nothing. Normally i get it the day after i stop taking it. I don't know why he didn't use what my other doctor found to work with me because i am a little tricky. The "normal" hormones don't work with me. Surprise, surprise. I might get my period and still find out i have cysts and have to wait another month. Maybe that is why i have all these emotions. Or maybe, life is just a little crappy right now. Either way, it is what i feel right now. I cannot gain my weight back. I would be so mad at myself. It wouldn't help anything, and yet that is the path i am on.

Yesterday, i sewed for about four hours. It felt wonderful. Today, i did school work for at least four hours. It felt terrible. Anyway, i decided to try sewing with flannel-backed satin. I love working with it. I have green bumpy micro fleece on one side and yellow satin on the other side and used the satin as the binding too. I was very impressed with how i did the satin binding. The corners even turned out. It looks nice and there was not a whole lot of puckering. I liked making my own satin binding better than using the store stuff. It was a great project. . . i don't know when i will get back to sewing now that school has started. I also made two Loopies By Lindsey blankets.

Easter Memories

Most of my Easters growing up were spent in Florida visiting my grandmas. I remember how excited i got to get on a plane and fly down for about a week to soak up the sun, swim in the pool, dance in the ocean waves, collect sea shells, play card games, put together puzzles, watch grandpa sit so close to the television, sit at the kitchen table and eat graham crackers and milk, visit amusement parks, read, run away from fire ants, chase lizards, eat wonderful food, play on the exercise bike, look through my grandma's jewelry, sit at her vanity table and powder my face, spend my quarters that were given to me in a film canister, play with my grandma's dolls, go for walks along the beach, and turn a deep shade of brown in the sun. One of my favorite days there was Easter (besides going to the amusement parks). We would go to church and have a nice dinner. My grandma would boil eggs and the kids would color them. I mostly remember coloring them with Jason, although i am sure Jered did it too, but he probably stopped due to age during most of my memories. We did all kinds of eggs over the years. . . tye dyed, wax designs and words, glitter ones. Then the adults would put us back in grandma's room and they would hide the baskets (one for each kid) and the eggs. I, of course, got into it and would race around looking for eggs and for my basket. I remember, especially towards the end, Jered and Jason kind of looking while i was racing around excitedly. Then Jason and i would promptly eat the candy. Jered doesn't really have a sugar tooth. . . he ate more of the hardboiled eggs. Yesterday, i sat in the Pie Company getting tears in my eyes thinking of all the good times, thinking of how much money that must have cost my grandma and grandpa to buy plane tickets for 4, sometimes five, amusement park passes, food, and whatever else we wanted. I am so thankful for those times and those memories. I am going to hide an Easter basket for TJ today. He said he would play along and look for it. I, of course, have a strong desire to buy a little Easter outfit for a child of ours, but i know that is not what Easter is about. I just cannot wait to start making memories for a little one. . . cats just don't cut it. Have a very Happy Easter Everyone. If family is reading. . . thank you for all the memories. . . Easter and non-Easter!

What a difference a little paint can make

When we first moved into our house, we painted most of the bedrooms and bathrooms, but we were unsure of what to paint the living room/kitchen/dinning room area. We left it white. We finally decided on a color that would go with our couch and our cobalt blue kitchen stuff. We took a bunch of paint chips to panera bread and matched their paint. Since it is snowing, outdoor projects get set aside and we decided to stay indoors and paint two walls.




Before. . . the sterile white walls












The tinted primer. . . pretty ghastly, but necessary










After. . . warm and cheery. . . the picture didn't take true to color, but it is close

Since the tv was pulled out, TJ decided to complete the surround sound installation by installing the three speakers behind the couch. I cannot wait to watch a movie, but we have a lot of cleaning up to do first. I need to rehang pictures and such. I want to buy a new clock to hang on the wall. We had an old clock that i bought when mary and i lived together in college. Time for a new, nicer looking one. I would really like a new table, chairs and rug. . . it is the domino thing i guess.

I tend to surround myself with pictures. I have them all over the refrigerator. . . Jered relaxed with is arms behind his head, jason with his soon to be wife, aunt carol and uncle mike cooking, dad with his hair in a pony tail, granna in red, me and mom in S.F., dad with jered and jason at our wedding, gail and steve smiling at our wedding, tj holding keller in Baltimore, a ton of friends' baby pictures (keller, anna, will and isaac, caitlin, Faith), Julie in Africa, cousin greg, Matt's senior picture, Mary and her old dog, me and tj at prom, mary and brad's wedding picture, dad with jered and jason in front of his pond, george and mom at a high school dance. . . I could go on and on and these are just the ones that i surround myself with.

It becomes kind of a problem when i am having an emotional day. I am in one of those funks and i am sure i will be for some time. Right now the hardest picture to look at is the one hanging on the side of our refrigerator. It is of my granna. She is wearing red and a smile. She has always had a beautiful complexion. . . i always remember wishing i had gotten it, but i didn't. Even with the wrinkles her skin seems smooth. I went to visit her on Sunday and my dad went yesterday (and blogged about it). The sharp decrease in her "with-itness" scares me a bit. I need to be scared. I need to let this set in, this fact that she won't be here with us for much longer, this fact that she really doesn't want to be. I want to either rewind or fast forward. I don't want to be here in the now. . . there is too much hurt, too much uncertainty, too many questions, too much distance between family members. I want to somehow comfort my dad and aunt, but i need comfort myself. This slow death thing is so new to me. My grandpa, other grandma, and mom all died so suddenly. I am not saying one is better than the other, i am just saying it is different. I do know granna really wanted to meet her great -grand baby that has been planned for a few years now, but she won't be able to. That is hard. I also long for my mom during this time. That is hard. Jason is about to experience a wonderful, exciting time in his life next month, but now it is mixed with this difficult time. I hate the uncertainty. . . wondering if i have already seen my granna for the last time, or if there are many more times. If there are many more times, is it going to give me memories that i would rather not have. . . memories of her not knowing who i am am, memories of her in pain, memories of her gasping for breath. That is how i remember my grandpa at times, and i would rather not have those in my mind. How selfish.

I don't want to write anymore about it. We are painting today. Yippee! I should do a before and after picture like my dad did. I have to go take a picture and blow my nose. Thanks for reading, sorry for the downer.

giggles and frowns

Frowns. . .

• it didn't snow this much on winter break and it is spring break. At least i have plenty that i want to get done inside my house.
• It is already Wednesday and i still have a huge list of things to get done

Giggles. . .

• I am not with 24 third graders right now and last night i could actually enjoy House and American Idol and not have to correct a pile of papers during it
• My friend Marilee is coming over today
• My new light switch cover in our laundry room. Doing laundry has never been this much fun!
• 

A break from cleaning

I woke up really late today. The sound of the storm, the peaceful look on my husband's face, and a purring content kitty kept me in bed awake, but relaxed. It was wonderful. I cleaned all day and took a much needed break by going to Ludington to meet dad for chinese. Yum. It was great to hear a few stories, laugh and to catch up while enjoying tasty food.

Yesterday we left gail's at about 9:30. We shopped and shopped and shopped. On of the places we stopped was my hometown mall. . . twelve oaks. Boy has it changed. I was walking around in it and not recognizing it at all. It was kind of hard because it was during a weekday there was an extreme amount of babies. Towards evening there seemed to be many mother daughter pairs shopping. I didn't get a dress or a skirt or anything really. I was so disappointed at the end, but far from disappointed with my husband. His patience is more than i could ever have imagined. He got a beautiful khaki linen jacket.

Spring break started with scrapping with some friends. Then we headed to gail's where tj made his mom a birthday dinner. Yum. I got to see lori for like five minutes. We played shoot the moon, read, and talked. I also visited my granna. She was pretty good, just real weak and she kept trying to give away everything that was in her line of vision. She loves elephants and has quite a collection of them. She was trying to give them to me. I told her that she is still enjoying them and i reassured her that family will get them when she goes. I looked at old pictures and hoped that the granna in the pictures is the granna that i will remember.

I saw some spring bulbs today at meijers. This is another hard time for me. It reminds me so much of my mom. I wonder if the tulips, hyacinths, and daffodils that she planted are still coming up. I hope they are. . . they probably shine in their pathetic surroundings.

Well, i am going to clean more. There is so much to do this week.