Wonders, Worries & What-Nots

I tend to surround myself with pictures. I have them all over the refrigerator. . . Jered relaxed with is arms behind his head, jason with his soon to be wife, aunt carol and uncle mike cooking, dad with his hair in a pony tail, granna in red, me and mom in S.F., dad with jered and jason at our wedding, gail and steve smiling at our wedding, tj holding keller in Baltimore, a ton of friends' baby pictures (keller, anna, will and isaac, caitlin, Faith), Julie in Africa, cousin greg, Matt's senior picture, Mary and her old dog, me and tj at prom, mary and brad's wedding picture, dad with jered and jason in front of his pond, george and mom at a high school dance. . . I could go on and on and these are just the ones that i surround myself with.

It becomes kind of a problem when i am having an emotional day. I am in one of those funks and i am sure i will be for some time. Right now the hardest picture to look at is the one hanging on the side of our refrigerator. It is of my granna. She is wearing red and a smile. She has always had a beautiful complexion. . . i always remember wishing i had gotten it, but i didn't. Even with the wrinkles her skin seems smooth. I went to visit her on Sunday and my dad went yesterday (and blogged about it). The sharp decrease in her "with-itness" scares me a bit. I need to be scared. I need to let this set in, this fact that she won't be here with us for much longer, this fact that she really doesn't want to be. I want to either rewind or fast forward. I don't want to be here in the now. . . there is too much hurt, too much uncertainty, too many questions, too much distance between family members. I want to somehow comfort my dad and aunt, but i need comfort myself. This slow death thing is so new to me. My grandpa, other grandma, and mom all died so suddenly. I am not saying one is better than the other, i am just saying it is different. I do know granna really wanted to meet her great -grand baby that has been planned for a few years now, but she won't be able to. That is hard. I also long for my mom during this time. That is hard. Jason is about to experience a wonderful, exciting time in his life next month, but now it is mixed with this difficult time. I hate the uncertainty. . . wondering if i have already seen my granna for the last time, or if there are many more times. If there are many more times, is it going to give me memories that i would rather not have. . . memories of her not knowing who i am am, memories of her in pain, memories of her gasping for breath. That is how i remember my grandpa at times, and i would rather not have those in my mind. How selfish.

I don't want to write anymore about it. We are painting today. Yippee! I should do a before and after picture like my dad did. I have to go take a picture and blow my nose. Thanks for reading, sorry for the downer.