My Granna

Today my Grandma turned 85. I call her granna because she hates the sound of granny and grandmother sounded too snobby to her. . .so Granna was invented. When i called, my aunt picked up the phone, which is not abnormal because she lives there most of the week. What was abnormal is that when my aunt held the phone up to my granna's ear so that i could wish her a happy birthday there was moaning and groaning coming from the other end. I can still hear that horrible repeated groan. My aunt was just told by the hospice nurse that my granna has about 48 hours left in her life. She cried when telling me, and i cry when writing about it.

I don't really know what to do. I want to visit and say goodbye, but i don't want to visit a dying, groaning granna and say goodbye for the last time. The last time i left her, which was a couple of weeks ago, she was with it. We hugged and kissed and i told her i loved her. She returned the sentiment and then i waved and said i will see her soon. That is a better way to say goodbye i think. Or am i just in denial? I don't have any terrible visions of my mom dying. . . it was so sudden. I know George does and he probably replays them over and over in his head, like i play over and over in my head the phone conversation when he told me my mom was gone. I have terrible memories of my grandpa trying to breathe before he passed away. The rasping sound of him trying to get air will stay with me forever. Now, i have the sound of my granna's groans. Will i have any regrets if i don't go say goodbye? She knows i love her. Would she be happier if i came and said goodbye? Would she be with it enough to know? Right now, i have a vision of the last time i saw her in my head. . .of her propped up in her bedroom surrounded by family photos, hooked up to oxygen, smiling and laughing and being so excited to meet baby ellis. I think that is how i want to remember her. Is that being selfish?