Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I really should go to bed, but. . .

I feel like if i don't sit down and write, i will never sleep. Today has been a day where i drift in and out of gloom, happiness, joy, and memories. It is probably a good thing that TJ and i hung out in Grand Rapids for the day. Early this morning i learned of a teacher who worked at montague had passed away, leaving behind a husband and kids. I knew the woman, not super well, but knew her. I taught her son, who i keep thinking about all day. He was gone on a camping trip and returned home to learn that his mom died suddenly of a clot in her lungs. I think of my neighbor, also a teacher at montague who was with her all day at a conference. . . went out to the parking lot to find her in distress- tried to help, called 911, but couldn't save her. What an awful thing to experience. I mostly think of her family. How TJ and i can be out enjoying a day, a very normal day and how her family is experiencing a far from normal day- trying to wade through thoughts, emotions, events, what-ifs, and whys. I have been there. I think of how quickly ones life can change. How it might seem like we are in control, but so far from it. How life is so fragile. I think of my mom and how suddenly my life changed when she passed away and i think of the hole i still have because of it- and i was not a young kid like the teacher's. I still occasionally reach for the phone to call my mom. I so often think of how much joy my mom would get being a grandma to Jealy- all the things jaely will miss out on and what my mom was not given the opportunity to experience. I think of how perfect it would have been to go out shopping- just the three of us. And to try on really fancy dresses like we used to and laugh at ourselves in the mirrors of the fitting rooms. I think of my mom being able to see me be a mom- her daughter grown up and having a kid of her own. I think of the love my mom would have had for Whitney and how truly happy she would have been for my brother. I think of the family having to pick something for their mom/wife to wear as she is being buried. I remember, when i had this responsibility for my mom, asking if she was supposed to wear shoes and undergarments. I remember moving each hanger to the left of her closet as i went through her outfits. . . then moved on to her jewelry and shoes. Far from a normal day.

What a normal day i have had. We all know that someday we will lose our mom- that someday will not be normal for us. And i am sure that all the moms prefer it that way, rather than lose their children first, but it is just so hard when the timing doesn't seem "right" to us. When it seems that person has so much more to experience, so much more to give. It has been a normal day where i have been drifting to memories, reflecting on moments, and enjoying what i have. For i have so very very much. Life is fragile.

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