Feelings of Failure

For the most part, i think of myself as a good teacher. I actually consider the kids lucky that they have me as a teacher. I am fun. I am creative. I do a good job of teaching the material that needs to be taught. Sometimes, though i am reminded that this is not really reality. It hits me in the face. I haven't felt like a good teacher in awhile. There is a lack of pats on the back from administrators this year. There is a constant flow of things we need to be doing better, things we need to teach better, increasing the number of kids that we can reach. Teaching can be such an unsatisfying job. I realize that there are always things i can do better. There are things i want to try, things i want to improve in. But, i need to hear that i am doing some things right. That i am making a difference. My kids took the released fourth grade MEAP test as their third grade post test. This is after teaching my little heart out every day. . . after staying up late planning and correcting papers every night. . . after spending my Sundays preparing and trying to figure out the best way to teach a concept. . . and i got the results from the test today. My kids did terrible. I am also responsible for teaching reading to another teacher's kids. I am sure her kids will do just as bad. I know that this is the MEAP test. . . and not everything can be measured on this test, but i still feel like a failure. It makes me wonder why i spend so much time. Would they have done any worse, if i just treated my job like any other job? Would they have done any worse if i saved some energy for myself when i got home and for TJ? Would they have done any worse if i didn't use my nights and sundays? There has got to be another way. I can still picture the bar graph that has my name on it and shows how my kids did. I try to remind my self there is inappropriate grade level material on there, but that doesn't help because i am still responsible for it. Third graders are supposed to label their answer to an area question cm2 or square cm. They are supposed to infer, synthesize, and summarize. They are supposed to take a stand after reading a non-fiction and fiction selections and back up examples from both selections. They are supposed to know how many vertexes a hexagonal prism has. They are supposed to know metric and standard measurement for temperature, mass, capacity, and length. They are supposed to know expanded notation of numbers and if a story is in the format of cause and effect, sequential, problem/solution, enumerative, or descriptive. They are supposed to know parallel, perpendicular, rays, and line segments. My head hurts.

My jaw is beyond clinched. I am going on my fifth day of not being in my classroom and leaving everything up to a sub. I am not nearly done with chapter one of my thesis. It is due in a week. I am going out of town this weekend, when i am still trying to catch up on laundry and unpacking from last weekend. I feel in over my head and all i really want to do is pick up the phone and call my mom. That actual thought raced through my head yesterday for a split second, until i realized i couldn't. I have a music program thursday night. Just a little recognition would be good. I never realized i was filled by some kind words and was given the strength to move on by just a few words. I have writing assessments galore to correct and a bunch of work they did with the subs for the last four days.