A Wonderful Dose of TJ

Today was spectacular! We spent a lot of time being a family. We went to church and i have never seen Jaely so excited. As soon as Dave started playing music, she started squealing with delight, waving her hands in the air as she stood on her papa's lap. when she sat down, she kicked her legs to the beat of the music, still giggling and squealing. After the music she fell asleep in her papa's arms. Supercute. I was ready to put her in the nursery today, but TJ really likes his time with his girl at church. She is still quiet during the mesage- not so much during the music (make a joyful noise unto the Lord). I am really enjoying Renovate- Dave's messages challenge us and make us rethink why we believe what we believe. Today's message endorsed saving peanut butter jars (a hobby of TJ's) and Eric Carle (a favorite author of mine)- what could be better than that? I really could tell you what the message was really about, but you should just come see for yourself.

After church we went out to eat with Alecia, Joel, and little Beckett. It was great conversation and tasty food.

Then i fed jaely and we all took a long Sunday afternoon nap. I fed her again, while TJ worked and then all three of us played on the floor for a long time. Jaely got a bath by her papa and me. Then TJ worked on school stuff while he sat on the couch and we watched TV.

I know this might sound blah, blah, blah, blah. But it was so nice doing the blah, blah, blah, blah stuff with my husband. . . it makes it not so blah.

I soaked up all the sun rays i could as i sat and read. My skin feels tight and i feel warm and alive. Now, i think i need a nap!

Nothing in particular- just whining, i guess.

I am not writing this for sympathy, for prayers, nor for an audience. Although i know this is a public blog, i started it for myself- for a place to write. So, i am going to write.

Last night was much needed. My friends stayed until about 11:30. We ate good food, laughed til i cried, and talked. . . a lot. I needed it so bad after being by myself with the bug for two days. TJ got home and spent the rest of Jaely's waking hours playing with her and snuggling her.

Because of last night, i feel worse today. Although i craved the adult interaction, the absence of it on a beautiful Saturday fall morning is overwhelming. I love the fall, but to me i love it because it is spent with people- watching the new TV shows with friends, going to farmers markets for apples, going on walks and drives. I am doing all of these things, but with just Jaely.

This morning after i fed her we headed to the fall fest in Whitehall. TJ and i always go to get apples, mums, and to look at the craft show. Today it was just me and jaely. I wanted to get Jae a little pumpkin, but had no way to carry it. I had to pass on the mums for the same reason. The stroller was already full with apples and tomatoes. I even hung out there longer hoping to run into someone i knew, which i did and spent five minutes talking to her. We walked around whitehall for awhile and then headed to the library to return some books. Then we walked on the bike path. Everyone we passed was talking away to a friend or a spouse. I was walking in silence, hoping Jaely would take her morning nap on the go. She didn't. It was very peaceful, but lonely too. Then i realized that i was having one of those days where i was going about the normal routine and not really talking to Jaely. I felt bad about that too. I feel worse when i do finally say something to her and her whole face lights up. That is all it takes to make this girl happy and i am faiing at it today. The day is young, i can change now that i realize my silence.

TJ is at class in GR. Early this morning (3:00) jaely decided to get up and stay awake half crying half babbling until 4. I got frustrated and had to ask TJ to take over for a bit. I felt bad because he had to get up early for class this morning, with no chance for a nap. I asked anyway, and then the guilt kept me awake anyway. He was gone with her for about 10 minutes, then she slept. I am not sure what he did, but it worked.

I miss just hanging out with my husband, doing nothing in particular. I love when all three of us go somewhere. He is just so busy, and he really is doing the best he can. When he finally does get a Saturday, i know that he has to work on the built-in or mow the grass and soon it will be raking time. It is beautiful days like today where i just feels worse because i know he is at a place where he would rather not be and i am trying to enjoy the weather and the stuff that comes with it, but there just seems to be this absence. I think the next time he goes to Traverse City i am going to go with- i can visit my dad, drive around and look at the fall colors, take a walk, shop and see TJ in the evenings. That might be nice.

Writing makes me feel better. :) I think i am going to forget about laundry and cleaning up from last night's get together, put jaely down for her nap and sit out on the sun and read. That sounds nice.

Look what i Did!

TJ has a lot on his honey do list. I am constantly trying to alleviate some of his stress by doing things that he has been doing, but that i can do- like cook dinner. I won't do the litter box, even though i can. One of the items on his list was to install cabinet hardware for the laundry room cupboards.

I decided that this is something i can do. If i do it when he is not here, i won't ask him a ton of annoying questions (he would rather just do the project himself, then). So, i located his drill, which i have never used, got a level, tape, and a pencil. Looked up how to install cabinet hardware on google (it even told me which drill bit to use). And, i can proudly say, TJ has one less thing on his list. They turned out perfect. I was so scared i was going to mess up our cabinets, but i didn't!

Alone, but not really

Tomorrow TJ goes out of town. I invited five friends over Friday night to have a girls' night out. . . for them, at least. Actually Jaely will be sleeping (fingers crossed) for most of the get together. The white noise in her room will have to be turned up. I am excited about it and glad that i thought of it. I am going to desperately need some adult conversation by then (and a male escort is way too expensive).

I made an appointment for Jaely's six month pictures. For some reason i am super excited about them. I just think she is at the perfect age. . . she smiles all the time, giggles a lot, and can almost sit up (maybe by the appointment she can). TJ is taking a day off of work to get our pictures taken and to work on his grad class stuff. The built-in, to his disappointment, sits untouched. He has class everyother Saturday and plans with people the Saturdays in between. The grass is long. The snowblower is still broken for yet another season. Soon our yard will be covered in colorful leaves. If i could, i would wrap up time in a beautifully wrapped box and give it to him as a total surprise. He is frustrated.

Mac and Cheese

As many of know, i love cheese. Cheese with pasta. . . nothing beats it. I found a recipe for mac and cheese in Wondertime Magazine that i wanted to try. I have been cooking a lot more since TJ started back at work. Yesterday, i shredded all the cheese (20 ounces) and cooked the bacon. Today i had to do the rest. It turned out real yummy. I think i had it in the oven for a little too long, but it was still real good. It also gave me a chance to use our Emile Henry dish that we purchased on a super good deal.

Today, Jaely and i went to the library and walked the bike trail in Montague and Whitehall. She fell asleep on the way back, so i sat on a bench along the trail and read one of my library books. I love walking through the woods and watching the sun pour through the spaces between the leaves and branches, looking at the layers upon the ground of leaves, branches, and moss, and watching the ground dip low as it heads down to the ravine. I also loved looking in the stroller, making eye contact with my daughter and watching her face light up as a huge grin made its way across her face.

Perfect

Today was a beautiful day. Gail and steve came over and we visited TJ's grandma in Grand Haven. His aunt, cousin and their kids also came. I am glad they all got to meet Jaely. Steve and gail came over to our place after and hung out. It was perfect. I forget how much i like having people over, especially family. I like for other people to notice jaely's little mannerisms, tricks, giggles, and smiles. They are too awesome to keep to ourselves. I also don't want family to be strangers to her. I show her pictures of her family all the time in her "who loves baby book." I say all their names and titles and point to each face as i say them. Hopefully some of it will stick.

The four generations- Tj's grandma, his dad, himself, and jaelynne

We decided that we are not going to go to TJ's cousin's wedding on New Year's Eve- just too much to do with a little one. Wedding isn't until 8, reception goes until 12, it is in another state, and i think we would rather spend Christmas at gail's than travel to the wedding (we can't do both). So that means that we will go to gail's probably on Christmas eve and then stay long enough until my brother and his wife come into town (sorry dad, that means we won't be at our house for Christmas for you to visit, but we can be at aunt carol's). Anyway, it is funny to talk about all this now, but it is crazy how far in advance one needs to make plans.
Speaking of plans- for our anniversary weekend, gail offered to watch jaely for as short or as long as we wanted. I am so excited. TJ has class in GR that weekend, but i can drive and meet him on Saturday evening. We are going to go out to a nice restaurant and then stay at the J.W. Marriot again. I am so looking forward to it. I am sure i will miss jaely, but it is nice to not have any worries leaving her with gail. Gail is totally excited about having a sleep over with her granddaughter. I hope Jaely is a good sleeper for her.

Yesterday was Terrible

We didn't sleep hardly at all. The night before last is kind of a blur of shushing jaely, rocking jaely, cleaning out her nose, moving her from swing to car seat to crib and moving the humidifier with us. At one point i was laying in bed gently shushing her thinking/praying "God i know you said you would never give me more than i can handle, but i feel as if You might be close to doing so." Finally at four she fell asleep in her crib.

After she woke up, i spent the day not playing with her. I spent it taking her temperature, which makes her poo, sucking out her nose, listening to her congested breathing, watching to see if her nostrils flare (a sign to take her to the doctors), trying to get her to eat, and mostly- trying to get her to sleep. I could not get her to sleep. She was crying and kept rubbing her eyes. Yawning a ton. She finally fell asleep when i was nursing her, as the makings for cereal were going bad by being ready on the counter. I rocked with her and let her sleep. She slept for just a half hour.

I had to get out of the house. I was going crazy shifting aimlessly between the napping options of car seat, swing, crib, me, car seat, swing, crib, me. Booger sucking. Temperature taking. Shushing. Crying. Wiping the dried snot of her face. I kept jaely in her jammies. Brought her into the bathroom with me as i brushed my teeth and washed my face. I looked like hell. Dark circles under my eyes, chapped nostrils, mouth hanging open so i can breathe, hair clipped back out of my face, a funny bump in the back of hair from sleeping/laying propped up on a pile of pillows. i am sure i smelled. In spite of the way we looked we were going to go somewhere. I didn't know where, but we had to. Maybe the car would finally put the poor bug to sleep.

At 2, i grabbed some wheat thins, filled a travel mug with orange juice, put the booger sucker in the diaper bag and set off. First stop was the gas station. Then, i drove south. Wound up at the mall. Walked around there for a few hours. I am sure it was a sight- me pushing the stroller like a zombie wandering aimlessly about, not talking or looking at anyone but jaely, who refused to sleep in the mall. Way too much to look at for her to sleep.

We got in the car and headed north on the express way. She fell asleep as soon as i hit the highway, so we continued north, past our house and kept going. She slept for 40 minutes in the car.

I cannot beleive the relief i immediatly feel as i hear TJ opening up the garage door. I almost got him up at three in the morning, when i thought i was going to crack from no sleep and feeling like crap myself, but when i looked at the clock and realized he had just two more hours of sleep himself, i couldn't do that to him. He was up a little past midnight writing a test for physics. I could take a nap the next day (little did i know that that wasn't going to be the case) and TJ couldn't.

In spite of not feeling well, Jaelynne is smiling, babbling more than ever, and is almost sitting on her own. She sits by herself, and then wants to recline so that she can kick her feet, so she then falls backwards into my lap. The other day, she was rolling around the living room floor. I got up to make her cereal, heard a huge cry. Turned around to see that she cannot judge spatial distances and smacked her head on the entertainment center as she flipped over. I picked her up and she was fine. She also added some new sounds to her repetroire. Can't really describe them- you will have to hear them for yourself. She mostly does them when she is playing alone. She is also getting a kick out of rocking back and forth while she is sitting- if she was a third grader i would have worries, but as a six month old, it is just cute.

Instead of getting her up at 8 this morning, i just let her sleep, putting an end to any sort of schedule what so ever. She got up at 9:30. The last time she ate was 7 the previous night. She was hungry. Will she ever return to the perfect schedule we had prior to her getting this cold? I can only hope. . . and pray. Today, i think we will be alright. We slept better. Jaely in her car seat for half the night and her crib for the second half. Me in bed, with the ceiling fan going and no squeaky swing. I attempted to go to bed at 9, but couldn't fall asleep until 12- don't know what that was about.

Wow, this is long. Bye.

Nasal Decongestant, anyone?

With no trips to the farmers market in awhile, due to rain, and a nasty cold running rampant at the Ellis household, our produce bowl got taken over by medicine and related accoutrement. We are beginning to feel better, but still sick. Jered was supposed to visit tomorrow, but we are going to reschedule. The bug is kind of cranky. And instead of offering Jered an apple, he would have to settle for advil cold and sinus. I cannot wait to disinfect the whole house and fill this bowl up with honeycrisp apples.

Under the Weather

TJ and i both have a nasty cold. . . i am blaming him for giving it to me. I didn't think i would get sick this year because i am not with 25 germy kids. We skipped church. TJ slept in and i took a long nap. I have been drinking hot chocolate, eating mashed potatoes from a box, and bread. Jaely has been sneezing a lot, but she seems okay. It has been a strange day. . . rainy and cooped up, my head is stuffed to the point where i feel like it is floating. Time is flying by today, probably because of my long nap. Right now Jaelynne is just staring at the cats, wishing they would come over and play. They are too smart for that.Update-
Now Jaely is going to bed. Since fall is upon us, i lit some candles. What a perfect night to snuggle up and read. There is a ton i need to do around the house, but i really don't feel up to it. I love candles. I love fall. I hate being sick. I love snuggling up with a good book.

I hate discussing politics. . .

so this is probably the only post that will even be related to politics. But i feel strongly about certain issues (pro-life, poverty, healthcare) and have never put it into words that make a lot of sense when i say them aloud. Because Daniel says it better than i ever could or ever have. . .


oh, and of course i am voting for Obama.

Great Plans

I had great plans for today. TJ took yesterday off and hibernated in the basement all day and mostly all night with a box of kleenex to work on stuff for his grad class today. He is sick. He wrote a really great paper and had a lot of reading to do. He left early this morning for GR and won't be back until 7ish. Just me and Jaely hanging out- like every other day.

So, to make the day a little different, i had plans of going to the farmers market and picking up some tomatoes (to make my mom's pasta a la caprese) and apples (the first of the season). Then we were going to go for a walk on the bike trail. When i awoke to rain slapping at our windows, i had a feeling my plans were going to change. An outdoor market and a walk just didn't sound like it would work for a 5 1/2 month old. Not like she could jump in the puddles or hold an umbrella.

I decided we are going to hang out in our jammies and read lots of books and take naps. She has a date with the exersaucer, stacking cups, and with the baby in the mirror. We might venture out to meijers. I am sure she will practice her new growling sound and spit sound and also her rocking back and forth while sitting assisted or while being carried. We'll work on her sitting up, too. She can do it with her arms on the floor in front of her for awhile and then tips sideways. She has no interest in trying it without her arms in the front of her. When i try having her sit up straight she leans back as hard as she can. We tried putting her to bed earlier last night and it worked to some extent. She still played with her toes and feet forever and then cried a lot, but she wound up getting more sleep and she was able to sleep past 6:30. When we woke her up last night at 10 to feed her, she was so hard to wake up. We hate it- disturbing her from a sound sleep. Tonight we are going to try to skip that feeding altogether. Yikes! We will see. Things change so quickly, right when you think you figured something out.

This made me laugh on a gloomy day. . .

The fun just keeps going

After seeing Katie's blog and giggling, i notice that my other brother decided to do the yearbook thing in yet a different way. . . the laughs just keep coming. I love it!

How Fun is This?

Thanks Jered!











I think i look like my grandma in one of them. . .

Peaceful

Jaelynne is asleep in her swing, clutching a loopie, head tilted to the side and back. TJ is lightly snoring on the couch, glasses folded on the coffee table and cats curled up next to him. The only light is the glow of the fish tank and the little light from this gloomy day that tries to make its way through our windows. Friends plays softly in the background with the hum of the swing going back and forth.

We are all at peace right now. Things just feel right. I just finished cleaning up after dinner. My dad came to visit his granddaughter today and with him brought our dinner, dessert, a change from the monotany, and Jaely's first Christmas present, wrapped in christmas paper and tagged with her name on it - a U of M cheerleading outfit. He left so Jaely and i could get a little nap. Dinner was awesome. I made the linguini and warmed up the deliciouse spaghetti sauce, stuck a bread loaf in the oven, poured two glasses of milk and away we went. Thanks dad! And for dessert homemade blueberry peach pie with a beautiful lattice crust -worthy of a picture really.

I am becomming more comfortable in the kitchen. I cooked the pasta tonight perfectly, and timed everything just right so it was all done at the same time. Yesterday i made ravioli. TJ is so appreciative of it and he makes sure to show me and let me know. He is able to spend more time with Jaely, even if that means changing a poopy diaper, and he can take a little nap.

I better wake up the Jaebug. We want her to beable to sleep tonight and she needs to eat soon. Dad got to watch her eat her cereal and what a show she put on for him. Smiles, a little giggling, and such sounds. The last time her saw her was just in August, and he said she has changed so much. i am glad it is not passing to quickly before my eyes, that i am able to enjoy it.

It is hard to wake a peaceful baby.

Abby

Abby is very good at seeking attention from TJ. However, she isn't sure if she wants Jaely's attention, yet.Ya, she is sleeping on his leg.

Ping Pong

I seem to back and forth from one extremity to the other within a given week, sometimes within a given day. At times, i feel so good about what i am doing this year. So validated. Like i couldn't imagine it any other way. Like this is what i am supposed to do, without a doubt. Other times, i find myself having to remind myself why i chose to do this again, why i looked at some $40,000 and said "no, i don't really need you this year," why i think i would be that much better than daycare. Most of the time, i just need to look into jaely's eyes, and all those whys are answered. This is what i am supposed to do. Yet, at the same time, i want to be able to buy things for her, to sign her up for swimming lessons, to purchase things that will spur her creativity, to get her that cabbage patch doll. I know those are all material things, but i still want her to have things. Clipping coupons, checking ads, worrying if i should really get that chai that i have been craving. Being reminded that God will provide (although, maybe not chai- that isn't really that essential to life, is it?)

Sometimes, i have the best day. Things go smoothly- or i am able to comfort her, or i hear a giggle, or i see a new facial expression, or she plays her heart out and then takes a much needed nap. I sing to her in my horrible singing voice and her face just lights up. Sometimes, i feel like my world is closing in- like an outing will require me to spend money, or tempt me, on things we don't need. Walks go too fast. Saturdays are the same as Wednesdays. Haven't slept past 8 (if i am lucky) in five months, waking up in the wee hours of the morning to pump. Sometimes i get stuck in that rut, and all i can see are the monotonous things- wake up, change diaper, nurse/feed, play, read, nap time. Repeat. Most of the time, i am able to throw something differnt in- play out on the deck, read a story on the porch, go to meijers to get stuff we NEED, find a different toy, try a new food. Breaks up the monotony.

But i would say for the most part, i feel validated. I see her smile. I watch her hair come in hour by hour. I rejoice as she rolls around on the living room, and giggle as she keeps rolling to the coffee table to lick the table leg. I treasure seeing her face when she takes a bite of plain avocado, her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth partly open trying to figure out what this new taste is. I cherish the snuggle times of reading her stories before every nap and waking her up to see her smile and stretch. I am relieved when i can check her poopy diaper and see there is no blood. I get to witness her seeing something for the first time and just be mesmerized by it, stretching her arms out to try to touch it. I get to watch her clutch her shirt fabric in her hand, get it around her fingers and then attempt to stick it in her mouth at the same time she is nursing. Sometimes she will just settle for rubbing the fabric up and down her cheek while she eats. I get to laugh at her when she grabs her foot and pumps it up and down repeatedly. There are so many good things about this decision we made. Sometimes, i just need to remind myself. . .and i did just that. Thanks for reading!

Good Book

I have been reading Little Earthquakes since i finished the Penderwicks. Last night i found myself conversing with the characters. It was in a dream. The author makes the characters seem so real, i feel like i know them. I can tell the ones that i would really get along with, the ones that i have nothing in common with, but would still appreciate, and the ones that would get on my nerves. Becky and i are so similar. It is about four women who just had babies. It makes me laugh and cry. Anyway, i was in the midst of all these women and their babies and jaely was there, too. It was so weird, but i liked it.

This week as been really good. I felt terrible yesterday (headache, mostly), but managed to take a nap and watch The Notebook during jaely's long nap. That movie made me very thoughtful, nastogic, and wondering for the rest of the day. In fact, after it was over i went in to wake up Jaelynne and i just stared at her and smiled and cried- so thankful that i get to have these moments with her. Then when i was trying to fall alseep, i couldn't. I wasn't anxious or worried. I was just calmly thinking. . . about everything.

Haven't heard about TJ's job, yet. Probably not a good sign, but we don't know when the rest of the interviews were being done. They did tell him they would know sometime this week, and we havn't heard.

Well, time to feed the bug. Yum. . . avocado mixed with oatmeal cereal. Can you picture the color of that? Can you picture the color of it regurgitated? Yum.

I Lost my Touch

I am so blessed to have married a man that truly enjoys cooking. He cooks and i have clean up duty. I have been spoiled these last seven years (even longer, since he cooked for me while we were dating). I used to cook for myself- sure it was a lot of pasta roni and chicken breasts, but i did it. If i messed it up, it didn't really matter because it was just for me. I want to start cooking more, so TJ can take a nap or have more jaely time when he gets home from work. The minute i cook for someone else, i get super nervous that i am going to mess something up.

I went to meijer today to pick up a few things that i can cook- sloppy joes, taco salad, chicken divan, cajun-chicken pasta, and tortillini. I guess it is a start, but we are going to get very sick of these things!

Last night we brought some friends a meal to help out with adjusting to a newborn. TJ made lasagna AND cleaned the dishes. All i did was stick it in the oven. Here is a picture of the little guy. TJ used to work with his mom and dad, but they both moved on to bigger and better things.