Saturday, September 06, 2008

Ping Pong

I seem to back and forth from one extremity to the other within a given week, sometimes within a given day. At times, i feel so good about what i am doing this year. So validated. Like i couldn't imagine it any other way. Like this is what i am supposed to do, without a doubt. Other times, i find myself having to remind myself why i chose to do this again, why i looked at some $40,000 and said "no, i don't really need you this year," why i think i would be that much better than daycare. Most of the time, i just need to look into jaely's eyes, and all those whys are answered. This is what i am supposed to do. Yet, at the same time, i want to be able to buy things for her, to sign her up for swimming lessons, to purchase things that will spur her creativity, to get her that cabbage patch doll. I know those are all material things, but i still want her to have things. Clipping coupons, checking ads, worrying if i should really get that chai that i have been craving. Being reminded that God will provide (although, maybe not chai- that isn't really that essential to life, is it?)

Sometimes, i have the best day. Things go smoothly- or i am able to comfort her, or i hear a giggle, or i see a new facial expression, or she plays her heart out and then takes a much needed nap. I sing to her in my horrible singing voice and her face just lights up. Sometimes, i feel like my world is closing in- like an outing will require me to spend money, or tempt me, on things we don't need. Walks go too fast. Saturdays are the same as Wednesdays. Haven't slept past 8 (if i am lucky) in five months, waking up in the wee hours of the morning to pump. Sometimes i get stuck in that rut, and all i can see are the monotonous things- wake up, change diaper, nurse/feed, play, read, nap time. Repeat. Most of the time, i am able to throw something differnt in- play out on the deck, read a story on the porch, go to meijers to get stuff we NEED, find a different toy, try a new food. Breaks up the monotony.

But i would say for the most part, i feel validated. I see her smile. I watch her hair come in hour by hour. I rejoice as she rolls around on the living room, and giggle as she keeps rolling to the coffee table to lick the table leg. I treasure seeing her face when she takes a bite of plain avocado, her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth partly open trying to figure out what this new taste is. I cherish the snuggle times of reading her stories before every nap and waking her up to see her smile and stretch. I am relieved when i can check her poopy diaper and see there is no blood. I get to witness her seeing something for the first time and just be mesmerized by it, stretching her arms out to try to touch it. I get to watch her clutch her shirt fabric in her hand, get it around her fingers and then attempt to stick it in her mouth at the same time she is nursing. Sometimes she will just settle for rubbing the fabric up and down her cheek while she eats. I get to laugh at her when she grabs her foot and pumps it up and down repeatedly. There are so many good things about this decision we made. Sometimes, i just need to remind myself. . .and i did just that. Thanks for reading!


Ang said...

While we're IN it... It seems really hard sometimes...slow, monotonous, draining, confining even, predictable in many ways, and I'm constantly wondering too if I should be doing things differently, prioritizing differently. I guiltily wonder if when I'm with the I really ALL there? Am I giving them everything they need? If I'm gonna be the one that's with them (that GETS to be with them), am I doing it right?

But a million times a day, I look at them...Maya especially...and are you so huge? so old? so funny and smart? When did this happen? And it's all gone....all those feelings of impatience (which still reoccur daily for me), second-guessing, and longing for a more 'adult' life.

I think we're normal.

I also KNOW that you are a really good mom. Thoughtful. Wise. Selfless. Fun. Intelligent. Discerning. Creative.

And I also KNOW that I don't see you enough!! Miss you.

Lindsey said...

Thanks Ang- i needed to read that. And to think we're normal made me smile! It is nice to have someone relate.

And you are right, it has been too long since i have seen you. I cannot believe that picture of Sophie on your blog standing by the chair. That is crazy!