I am not writing this for sympathy, for prayers, nor for an audience. Although i know this is a public blog, i started it for myself- for a place to write. So, i am going to write.
Last night was much needed. My friends stayed until about 11:30. We ate good food, laughed til i cried, and talked. . . a lot. I needed it so bad after being by myself with the bug for two days. TJ got home and spent the rest of Jaely's waking hours playing with her and snuggling her.
Because of last night, i feel worse today. Although i craved the adult interaction, the absence of it on a beautiful Saturday fall morning is overwhelming. I love the fall, but to me i love it because it is spent with people- watching the new TV shows with friends, going to farmers markets for apples, going on walks and drives. I am doing all of these things, but with just Jaely.
This morning after i fed her we headed to the fall fest in Whitehall. TJ and i always go to get apples, mums, and to look at the craft show. Today it was just me and jaely. I wanted to get Jae a little pumpkin, but had no way to carry it. I had to pass on the mums for the same reason. The stroller was already full with apples and tomatoes. I even hung out there longer hoping to run into someone i knew, which i did and spent five minutes talking to her. We walked around whitehall for awhile and then headed to the library to return some books. Then we walked on the bike path. Everyone we passed was talking away to a friend or a spouse. I was walking in silence, hoping Jaely would take her morning nap on the go. She didn't. It was very peaceful, but lonely too. Then i realized that i was having one of those days where i was going about the normal routine and not really talking to Jaely. I felt bad about that too. I feel worse when i do finally say something to her and her whole face lights up. That is all it takes to make this girl happy and i am faiing at it today. The day is young, i can change now that i realize my silence.
TJ is at class in GR. Early this morning (3:00) jaely decided to get up and stay awake half crying half babbling until 4. I got frustrated and had to ask TJ to take over for a bit. I felt bad because he had to get up early for class this morning, with no chance for a nap. I asked anyway, and then the guilt kept me awake anyway. He was gone with her for about 10 minutes, then she slept. I am not sure what he did, but it worked.
I miss just hanging out with my husband, doing nothing in particular. I love when all three of us go somewhere. He is just so busy, and he really is doing the best he can. When he finally does get a Saturday, i know that he has to work on the built-in or mow the grass and soon it will be raking time. It is beautiful days like today where i just feels worse because i know he is at a place where he would rather not be and i am trying to enjoy the weather and the stuff that comes with it, but there just seems to be this absence. I think the next time he goes to Traverse City i am going to go with- i can visit my dad, drive around and look at the fall colors, take a walk, shop and see TJ in the evenings. That might be nice.
Writing makes me feel better. :) I think i am going to forget about laundry and cleaning up from last night's get together, put jaely down for her nap and sit out on the sun and read. That sounds nice.