A year Ago

About a year ago today, TJ was in Houston for school. Gail was in town to help me with Jaely. I had an early morning appointment in Grand Rapids with the fertility specialists. We were trying yet another round of hormones. . . more shots, more appointments, more moodiness. I had an appointment because i had already started my next round of shots. My previous round had ended with me getting my period, which means we weren't pregnant. That round didn't take. When i am on my shots, they monitor my follicles closely for growth. I was going in to the doctors like i had so many times before. It normally is a quick appointment and i can get to school to finish the afternoon. When i went in about a year ago, the nurse did my ultrasound to see how my follicles were looking. She got really quiet and stopped to double check my chart. I saw her reread it. She then asked me how my last round of shots ended. I told her that i had gotten my period. She asked if it was a normal one. She finally said that on my ultrasound she had seen something that looked like a pregnancy. She didn't want me to get my hopes up, but she was sending me to the hospital to get blood drawn stat. She said the "something" wasn't there at my last visit, but there was a chance it was something else.

I got in the car. I really didn't care too much about getting back to school. I called TJ. He downplayed it (his typical response). Then i called gail, who promptly pulled her car over with Jaely in the backseat and they prayed. I got my blood drawn and then went to school. I tried to act normal, but i just had to tell some of my friends that something was spotted in my uterus. I taught and then while my kids were in computers. . . i got the call. My blood work came back positive. POSITIVE! I tried calling TJ, but no answer. I interrupted my friends' classes to sneak in and whisper the good news. I was already 6 weeks pregnant! I knew with Jaely when i was only two weeks. I immediately thought back to what i had drank, taken, and done. All was good! I was worried about all the shots that i had already started, but they told me they won't harm the baby and, in fact could even help me keep the baby.

Camryn had somehow hung on. My period was probably a miscarriage (i had many follicles ready to drop an egg when i got my final shot, which could result in multiples).

I will never forget that day. Never forget when i learned we were going to have our second child. I was so cautious. Because it was such a strange circumstance, i kept waiting for something to go wrong in my pregnancy. . .but it didn't. She remained healthy and strong.

A year ago i learned that God had begun to knit another tiny human being in me. I learned i could be done with those awful hormone shots that make me turn into a witch. I learned Jaely would be a big sister. A year ago, i witnessed a miracle.

Camryn is "talking" very loudly next to me as i type this. Tears flood my eyes. What a miracle. What a blessing. What an unexpected answer to prayer

I Found My Groove

I finally found my groove. Life has a predictable rhythm once again. It is a fast paced rhythm that leaves little time for errors, extras, and me, but i am just so glad i found it. I wake up in the morning at 5 (sometimes earlier if Cami wakes up earlier) hop in the shower with the monitor sitting on the counter, do my make-up and hair and then pack my lunch, get all the parts to my pump packed, and even measure out the milk and chai mix for my daily chai. I do everything i can to get ready for school, except get dressed. At 6, i wake up my little snuggle bug and feed her. Then i put her back in her crib after a few snuggles and get dressed. Put my chai mixture in the microwave while i start my car and load it and then i am off. I correct papers while i walk around the room watching my kids do their independent practice and activities. I pump at lunch and planning, help kids finish their work during recess or quiz them on their multiplication facts for the taco party they could earn, teach my little heart out the rest of the time and then get the kids on the bus. I then have 15 minutes to clean up my desk and room before heading out the door to see my hubbie and girls. I get home and have to pump and then i cuddle Cami a few moments before she goes to sleep. I play with jaely and then we pick up her toys for dinner. Eat dinner then clean up from dinner, nurse Cami, play with cami and get her jammies on for bed. Then once she is asleep at 9;30 ish, i can either do school work, tidy up or go to bed. Normally. . . i veg on the couch and watch a show or facebook while drifting off to sleep.

I am sure this is a typical schedule of anybody with two kids. It took awhile to figure it out, but i did. And thank goodness for weekends for cleaning, family time, and laundry. . . and most of all, thank goodness for TJ. His day is very similar!

Sounds

The sounds of my snoring husband mixed with the heavy breathing and little squeaks coming from my youngest daughter make my heart a happy one. Cami is nestled and sleeping in the crook of TJ's arm, sucking ever so gently and rhythmically on her binky. Soon, her lips will part and the binky will fall out, revealing her perfect pink lips and she will continue to sleep soundly. I just checked on Jaely, the sound of her rain machine coming from her room and her night light shining through under the door. She has surrounded herself with her friends during her first night back in her bed after staying at relatives. She has changed her pajamas after we said good night and dressed Ella in the pajamas that she was wearing. She has each friend set up on a pillow and you can tell that she has read them a book before tucking them all in. She too is breathing heavily. She was one tired bug from all the festivities of her trip. She was asleep in no time.

The house is very quiet, except for the soft sound of the rain machine and the heavy breathing from all of its sleeping occupants. I enjoy quiet. Without Jaely home these last few days it has been too quiet. But when there is such potential for loudness, i love the quiet. . . the peacefulness, the tranquility.

TJ's snoring makes me smile (most of the time) and so does Cami's little sighs. I wish i could hear my mom's laugh one more time. I wish my mom would have been able to experience the quiet moment of holding her sleeping granddaughter and giggling with her oldest granddaughter. Jaely's laughter mixed with my mother's would have been a delightful sound.

I love our home. How quiet and peaceful it can be and how sometimes it feels like it is going to burst with energy and laughter. How every occupant can be crazily dancing in the living room one moment and snuggled under blankets the next. I love family, being so relaxed and loved for who i am. I love being still, being thankful, being quiet. Lately, this is a rarity, but i am thankful for it.

Some Time to Myself

(sigh) i am sitting on the couch sipping a perfect chai, the kind with a little cinnamon sprinkled on top. I didn't have to wake up at 5 today, even though it is a week day. I am on break. Cami slept in until almost 7, so i woke up and fed her and put her back down. I decided to stay up and get some things done while everyone is sleeping, but instead i find that i just want to sit and enjoy some me time. I don't have much left, but i am enjoying every second. Soon, i have to shower, and hang with both girls while TJ runs some errands and then i am off to run some errands- one being a weight watchers meeting, where i know i will not like the numbers on the scale this week.

This mid winter break i have great plans. I want to finish our taxes, renew my teaching certificate, clean the entire house, grade papers, do laundry, and i would love to scrap for just a little bit. We are leaving for the east side of the state tomorrow after a birthday party in Grandville. We are coming back on Sunday without Jaely. I hope to get some things accomplished, but i am trying not to get my hopes up. Taxes take a loooooong time.

yum. What a perfect chai- what a perfect morning.

I am Doing Okay.

I just can't seem to figure life's rhythm out right now. I can't find my groove, and when i think i found it in one area, i am either being mediocre as a teacher, a wife or a mom. Sometimes, i am not even mediocre. I am tired. I have a lot of guilt. I should be grading papers. I should be playing more with Camryn. I should be reading to her every day. I should be getting the house clean. I should be dancing with Jaely. I should be cleaning up from dinner. I should be a better listener to TJ. I should have more patience for my students.

I feel like i am going non-stop. Grading papers with one hand while pumping in my classroom with the other. Folding laundry while kind of playing with Cami as she lays on our bed. Laying out clothes for the next day while carrying Camryn around. Blogging while kind of playing with Camryn next to me. Nursing Camryn while asking Jaely about her day. Listening to TJ tell me about his day as i play with jaely. No one is getting my undivided attention, and it is driving me nuts.

Right now, i am just so tired so nothing is making sense. In a few more minutes i can put camryn down for the night and then i am down for the night. Well, i have to wake in a couple of hours to pump. I just need sleep. I didn't realize how important sleep can be for me. I eat worse when i am exhausted. I have no patience. I get overwhelmed.

I am so glad it is the weekend. At nap time tomorrow, do i clean the house or do i do a tad of scrap booking? Or maybe take a nap. Or grade the mound of papers i have. Or go on a family outing.

TJ

Today is TJ's birthday. He is reading to Jaely her bed time book as i write this. He has made me smile so many times today. He has made dinner and emptied the dishwasher. He has fed Camryn a bottle and fed jaely a messy breakfast. He has tenderly kissed me and sent me pictures of cami today. He has balanced work at school and work at home. He let me park in the garage. This is his everyday. He is amazing. I am so thankful that God brought our paths together. I think of when we first met- When i giggled as i stuffed my nose into his armpit because i liked the smell of his deodorant. When he would drive me home in the Aerostar and kiss me in my driveway. When he would snuggle with me on the couch and rub my head. I loved him then, when we were so young and our worries were homework and what to do Saturday night. Now, our life is so different. We have bigger worries, but such huge joys. I love how he loves me. I love how he loves our girls. I cannot imagine life without him. It would be such a lonely path. I am so blessed and so thankful that God knitted TJ together, knowing that he would be perfect for me and knowing that he would have such an impact on the world around him.

Happy birthday Rescue Ranger.

Thanks Charity!

I stole these pictures from my friend's blog. They are from New Year's Eve.

The kidsThe Guys

The girls

Jaely

Charity nursing Cami (Just kidding!) Cami likes to bury her face in armpits, so it can look a little awkward!

I am so thankful God put these friends in our lives.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho. . .

It's off to work i go.

Blah. It is going to be so hard Monday to leave my 10 week old baby. When i set up my maternity leave, i pictured leaving a tiny fragile newborn. That, however, is not the case. I don't worry about her. . . i just am bummed that i am going to miss her and many of her firsts. I was home with Jaelynne for a year and a half, so i have never had to do this.

What i am worried about is pumping at work. Where will i do it? When will i get work done? Am i going to explode?! Am i going to leak? What am i going to do on days i don't have a break, like my first day back with students. I have fifteen minutes to eat my lunch and that is my only break for that whole day. Yikes!

I am so thankful for Amber. I truly have no worries handing our most precious gifts over to her for half the day and i obviously have no worries about TJ for the other half. I just hope he enjoys his part time job of staying home with both girls.

So, if you are one of the few that read this blog, please say a prayer for me if you think of it. I could use it. Camryn will be fine. . . it is me i am worried about!

New Year's Eve

It felt so good to see friends, laugh and eat. There were 15 kids there, including a 2 day old Liam. It was crazy and loud at times and the kids turned the basement into a disaster zone, but it was so nice to reconnect with people.




Trying to get all the kids together for a picture.
Everyone needed to get in there spots before Liam and camryn were added onto their pillows.
Nobody really knows where to look!





Maya with her umbrella- they were a big hit.





And this is just the beginning of the mess that was created!
Noah liked this seat more than Keegan did!
Daniel giving Camryn her bottle. She ate at 11 and then didn't eat again until 6:40. Whoo Hoo!
Thanks Ang and Ryan for having all of us over. We really do need to get together more.

Intervention

For the last five weeks, i have spent a lot of time on the couch. That is just what you do with a newborn, whether i am nursing her 7 times around the clock or trying to calm her down so she can go to sleep or snuggle with her or playing with her. It all seems to be done in the living room.

The nice thing is that we have a DVR, so i can watch anything i want at anytime i want. I caught up on Grey's Anatomy by watching it at 3 in the morning while feeding Cami. I can pause it while we go change her diaper or stop it only to resume later when we both are ready to go back to bed. When she is this little, we watch TV. As soon as she becomes aware of it, it goes off until she is about 2. . . or when Jae is watching it. Yikes!

My latest show that i am watching is Intervention. Such sad stories. . . unbelievable at times. The person's past is often talked about as being normal, yet presently they are so out of control. I have cried during this show, i have had my jaw drop, and i have wondered. One reason i am so enthralled with the show is that i have never done drugs myself. I cannot believe what the drugs do to the people and to their families. I can't imagine losing custody of Jaely and Cami because i chose drugs over my children. I am not judging. It could happen to anyone. It could happen to Jaely. It could happen to Camryn. I pray daily it doesn't.

Like i said previously, i am watching this while taking care of Camryn. I cannot tell you how emotional it is to watch people go through such horrors while staring at your 5 week old daughter, while caressing her cheek, or feeling her fuzzy head. I have found myself praying continuously for our girls as i watch this show. Praying that they may have a deep relationship with God, praying for their decisions in life, knowing that ultimately it is their decisions. . .not mine or TJ's. Praying for their hearts. I have to trust that as we bring them up, we are instilling enough good in them so that eventually we can set them free and they make the right decisions for them.

It is so difficult to look at a five week old or a two year old and think about them one day being picked on, hurt, disappointed, or lied to, but i know they both will be (they will probably even do it to each other occasionally). I hope and pray that in the end they have the confidence, the role models and the relationships to guide them.

Spending time in the living room also makes me reminisce over past Christmases as our Christmas tree shines brightly. I think a lot about my mom. I now have a better grasp of her love for me and my brothers. I wish i could talk to her about it. Ask her how it felt when she knew we were getting picked on, or when we didn't make the team, or when we made bad choices. Ask her what she thought as she held her tiny babies. We could talk about that deep love that exists between a mother and child. I could ask her when i stopped believing in Santa, what she told us when we asked how santa got in our house without a fireplace, and when did she get a chance to Christmas shopping without her three kids. This Christmas is a celebration, of course. A celebration of Jesus. A celebration of family. . . with a new addition this year. :) Yet at the same time, it is a time to remember GG. . . it will be our first Christmas without her. It already feels weird. And i know how gail must be feeling. I have been there. I am not sure if it gets easier around this time of year. We will remember Grandma Shirley & Grandpa Bud opening packages so slowly you wanted to go up to him and tear the paper right off his presents. We will remember Grandpa Howell. . . he would have loved to meet his great grandchildren. I will remember my mom especially. . . how truly excited she would become as her kids gathered around her at Christmas, coming home to visit. She would greet us with a kiss a hug and a dance around the kitchen as she wore a long velour robe. I remember helping make Christmas cookies and wrapping presents. I remember decorating the christmas tree all by myself and having to hang the homemade ornaments in the back of tree. I remember untying a candy cane a day off of the homemade things that hung from the cupboard. I remember setting up the tiny nativity scene in my bedroom and putting the candles in all the windows and hanging the stocking from the bookcase on our angel, snowman, or santa clause stocking hangers. I remember after opening presents we would have Chrisrmas brunch. . . my mom would plan such a menu. I remember my mom having to make coffee before the opening of presents could begin. I remember her themes, her laugh, her excitement, her cooking and her nagging.

We will remember the past and celebrate the present as we pray for the future. May God protect the hearts of our Camryn and Jaelynne.

Nine Amazing Years

This weekend, Gail came to watch Jaelynne while TJ and i got a little anniversary getaway. We left Friday for Grand Rapids. I wanted to stay close because i am 37 weeks pregnant. We ate a most delicious meal at Twisted Rooster. TJ drank good beer, we both enjoyed a steak- mine came with unbelievable garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus. Then we both enjoyed a brownie stuffed with ice cream. I just a tiny bit. Once at the beautiful JW marriot, i went into the soaking tub. I couldn't wait! I fell asleep in there and luckily did not drown.

Sleeping in was the best. We BOTH got to sleep in. . . even though we were both awake at 7:30 (that is what parenthood does to you) we could lounge around. It was wonderful.

Who would think that the little bit of cream that was in my mashed potatoes would make the next day quite miserable for me? I was not happy. We had a day of shopping ahead of us. . . i don't know how many crackers i ate and how many restrooms i visited. . . all because of some mashed potatoes. I was pissed.

Meanwhile, back at home, Jaely and nammy were having fun with the train at the bookstore, making and baking cookies, going to McDonald's playland, and getting a bath. TJ and i had to come home on Saturday night because he had previous commitments at church. When we came home, Jaely still wanted Nammy to do everything with her. It was adorable "no. stop. Nammy."

Gail hung out today, and i got a lot done while the bug and her played outside. They went for a walk, played on the play set, pulled the wagon, and rode her tricycle.

I am so in love with the man i married. He had me laughing the whole weekend. It was great to relax together, to think of how our near future is about to change drastically, to talk without having to also entertain a 2 year old, to eat out and shop with just each other as we wandered around in no rush.

TJ never ceases to amaze me. He has been wonderful during this pregnancy (well, the whole marriage, really!). He takes such good care of his girls, makes me laugh, loves me no matter what i look like, lets me love him back, respects me, encourages me, has such an amazing heart, and listens.

I love you babe!

34 Weeks!

I should have stood more to the side for a true side profile. . . this picture doesn't do my belly justice.

Wow- 34 weeks already! I feel just as big as the night i had Jaelynne. My heartburn is constant and my arms keep falling asleep at night. My belly button might betray me this pregnancy. The edges are slowly starting to protrude. I am exhausted.

BUT. . . i am just so excited to meet this little one. I love when she gets hiccups. I love when she moves and flips and kicks and elbows me. I love to think about what she is going to look like. How much hair is she going to have? What color will it be? Will her fingers look really long? Will she be chunky?

Jaely wants to name the baby "baby." She knows where her sister is and she knows she is going to have to share, but i know she is in for a HUGE surprise. . . and i know we are too!

I have a lot to do at work yet to get ready for my leave. Paperwork, sub plans, letter to the board and superintendent, notes about how my classroom works. . .

I have a lot to do at home. Clean the binkies, breast pump, and bottles. We need a new monitor and diaper pail.

TJ has been unbelievably helpful. I don't know what i would do without such a loving husband you takes initiative and does things he knows needs doing.

Kind of a Crappy Week

It was a busy week back to school. It started with me having the stomach flu. . . throwing up while almost 7 months pregnant is not fun. And throwing up while trying to be mom to a two year old makes it even worse. But i survived, with the help of my husband. I don't feel ready for the school year, but it will be okay. My group this year seems like a good one. . . we will see. Ask me in a month and i can give you an honest opinion! Sometime this weekend i need to go into school to plan for the week.

TJ's grandma is not doing well this week either. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i carry with me everywhere. I want her to be comfortable and i think of gail, Scott and Deb often. I pray and wonder and pray some more. I love that woman.

We went to Grand Rapids today. At our first stop, Jaely fell and chipped her tooth big time. She split her lip and blood gushed from her mouth. Her lip is very swollen and she won't let either of us get close enough to look closely. We called her doctor and he did put us at ease. Basically, we have to watch and give it some time. A pediatric dentist ($$$$) might be in our near future.

Dreading Night Time

I used to be such a good sleeper. I could sleep for 12 hours non-stop with no problem. Lately, i have been dreading night time. Right now it is 3:30. I have been up since 2:00. My mind is ready to sleep. . . it is turned off, just waiting to be completely asleep. It is my body that won't let me. I am so sick of sleeping with four pillows (two under my head, one between my knees and one under my belly). I am sick of only having two sleeping positions- on my left side or on my right side. I am sick of turning over in bed and having to fling the covers off of me to get the pillows situated after i turn to my other side. I am sick of it taking so much energy to just flip over in bed.

But what i am REALLY tired of is the itching. I think i have four different rashes/skin conditions going on right now. I go to the doctors Tuesday and i was hoping i could make it till then. Ever since camping, i have heat rash under my arms and in my inner thigh. That is the easiest to find relief for. . . cortizone. On the top of my hands i have the itchiest little bumps. . . that have since moved from the tops of my hands to my wrists to my palms and then to the sides of my fingers. I cannot stand itchy palms. Caladryl (sp?) lotion works for a bit, but an ice pack works the best.

I won't go in to the different itching i have on my stomach, my boobs, or my elbows. The bathroom is filled with lotions that bring some relief for some, but don't touch the others.

A couple nights ago i took a Benedryl. I am allowed to during pregnancy, but i try to limit medication i put in my body. That night, i slept so well. I didn't wake up during the night with such intense itchiness. I wasn't conscious of rolling over repeatedly and having to adjust my pillows. The ice packs stayed in the freezer and the couch didn't get my usual middle of the night visit. It was wonderful. But i also didn't hear TJ get up or Jaelynne. I was OUT! I should have taken another one last night. . . it is too late now. I would ruin my whole Saturday by being in a sleepy trance. Although, it looks like i may be anyway. . . going on two hours now.

I should chop all my nails off, then maybe the itching won't be so satisfying as i am doing it but so horrible once i stop.

I don't know when the next night time will be when i sleep soundly. After pregnancy there won't be any relief, but i look forward to a year from now when i don't dread night time, but rather look forward to it.

Bye Summer!

Sunshine. Waves. Beaches. Sunscreen. Bug Spray. Leland. Leelanau Peninsula. Family. Sailing. Lake Michigan. Duck Lake. Pools. Sun Sets. Camping. Outhouse. Campfires. Fresh Air. Zoos. Polar Bears. Goats. Petting Farm. Penguins. Lions. Late Nights. Ice Cream. Pontoon Boat. Speed Boat. Crystal Lake. Orange Drink. Glucose Tests. Third Trimester. It's A Girl! Family Reunion. Play set. Parks. Slides. Swings. Shopping. Our Camper. Heat Rash. Heart burn. Afternoon Naps. Eating outside. Watering Plants. Food Poisoning. Green Toenails. Rocks. Purple Toenails. "Dampa." Pictures. Sand/water Table. Bubbles. Sprinklers. Buckets. Petosky Stone. Lake Charlevoix. Ball Tent. Trampoline. Sun-streaked Hair. Suntan. Balls. Ummi Zoomi. Walks in parks. Walks on the beach. Walks in the breeze. Wheelbarrow. Reading. Scrapbooking. Parade. Firetrucks. Pekidills. Picnics. Summer Rain. Sidewalk Chalk. Tank Tops. Air Conditioning. Stars. Swollen Ankles. Chrysalis. Spider Webs. Sunglasses. Airplanes. Jet. Sand Dunes. Frogs. Yellow Floaty. Smiles. Giggles. Excitement. Pure Joy. Friends. Car Naps. Driving. Miles. Black Flies. Horse Flies. Variety Pack Cereal. Nap Diapers. Potty Sticker. Skipping. Sandy Raisins. Wheels on the Bus. The Mixed-Up Chameleon. Hush. Petting Annie. Molars. Missed Naps. Birthday Gathering. Yummy Food. Missing Family. Sandals. Bathing Suits. Petunias. Baccopa. Potato Vines. Cherry Icee Drink. Apple Juice. Sleeping past 5:15. Michigan Rocking Chair. Pond. Talking to Frogs. Izzy. Ricky. Wagon Rides. Play Kitchen. Grilled Veggies.

Family Picnic

I don't get to see my mom's side of the family very often, so when i got an invitation to a family BBQ, i planned on going. It was great to see aunts, uncles and cousins. I haven't seen them in awhile. . . there were people i hadn't seen in over 10 years. The weather didn't start out the best, but the sun came up towards the end. We had to leave a little early because Jaely needed to get some sleep. As it was, she still didn't get to sleep before 9:30- two hours after her bed time. I am so glad we went though. Oh, and did i mention the cheesy potatoes, pasta a la caprese, texas sheet cake, ribs. . . .yum!
Jaelynne putting her beloved stick in Jered's pocket
Evelyn. . . my cousin's daughter who is about 6 months younger than Jaely.
Jaely stuck her beloved stick in the cone
Evelyn showing jaely her camera and jaely showing evelyn her stick

My mom's sisters and brother

They are hilarious!

Victor & Johnny

The girl cousins

The girl cousins and kids

Jaely loves being an airplane!

The whole group!