Wonders, Worries & What-Nots

I walked out of the southwestern decorated guest room, with such excitement. I walked through the hallway carpeted in beige berber and into the avacodo green and harvest gold kitchen. My mom was preparing a pot roast. With a giant smile on my face, i showed my mom the fertility monitor that finally indicated i was ovulating. She wrapped her arms around me and said "i just had a feeling about this, Lindsey." We held each other for awhile, and broke apart when she said, "i guess you and TJ will be having some fun tonight." We laughed.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. With exciement over flowing in my heart, i promptly did my ovulation test. It was negative. It was a hard day. The dream seemed so real. But it was just that. . . a dream.

This time of year sucks anyway. I miss my mom more than i can put into words. It is intensified when i am trying to get pregnant. . . when i know she would cry with me, laugh with me, encourage me, and challenge me. I want her hug. I want her excitement when i finally do ovulate. I want her pot roast. I want her arms wrapped around me. I even want her nagging. I want to be pregnant.

What little patience i had to begin with is wearing thin. I feel like i am going to explode with anger, with frustration, with sadness, with all of this love and longing. I am trying to be content. Trying to lean on God. I know in the grand scheme of things a year and a half is not long, but when you are in the middle of it. . . it seems looooong. When you are in the middle of it without your best friend, without your mom, it seems like an eternity. When i am in the middle of it with no answers, no reasons why, and full of hormones, it seems unbearable at times.

I feel better just writing about it. I am confident things will work out. I just hope i can make it until then. I feel like i am losing parts of myself. It will all work out.