Fading Hope

As day 18 comes to a close, my hope of my ovary dropping an egg is vanishing. "Maybe next month" i keep telling myself, but deep inside i know it won't happen. Maybe God will surprise me. I kept hoping He would over Thanksgiving Break. It would have been a little inconvenient at the in-laws, but still hoped for. Would it still be a surorise if i hoped for it? According to many sources on the internet, i need to give Femera at least three months before i can say i tried it. . . or was it six months? Either one seems long. If it doesn't work, then i am going to go to a doctor in Grand Rapids to discuss our options. I never thought this would consume my mind. School seems a lot less important right now, as i try to keep my life less stressed.

I made $112.00 today in "Loopies by Lindsey" blanket sales. I am glad i made some yesterday. I sold 6 regular blankets today and one special order one that was a regular crib size blanket with satin ribbon loops all the way around. I came home today, and promptly made two more boy loopies. I still need to make one boy/girl blanket, but had to start correcting papers instead. Not bad money for something i enjoy doing.

Well, i better go back and correct papers. I have class tomorrow night and don't want to get too behind. I cannot wait until Christmas.

Thankfulness

A stream of thankful thoughts in no particular order :
sunsets, my health, my families' health, Jesus Christ, TJ, my dad, my mom, jered, jason, granna, grandma, grandpa & grandpa, ant carol, uncle mike, gail, steve, lori, matt, sarah, sara, mary, kathleen, eeliram, tiffany, karen, david, ang, ryan, kim, rob, andrea, daniel, charity, james, dr. davidson, dr. david, my kitties, our home, our jobs, our cars, the ability to laugh, the Holy Spirit, warm jackets, cheese, chocolate, cheesy potatoes, freedom, money, garbage service, indoor plumbing, crunchy fall leaves, sweet violets, books, TV, movies, popcorn, taste buds, weight loss, computers, photographs, my hairy pancreas, Terry Walker, Matt Klein, John DeBoer, Campus Ministry, my education, mums, fresh snow, snow days, telephones, washer & dryer, quiet nights, saturdays, music, smiles, red, wisdom passed on to me, "my so called life," max lucado, eric carle, donald miller, toe nail polish, mountain dew, chai, chocolate chip cookies, my dad's shrimp salad, gail's taco salad, mom's pot roast, tj's apple pie, red lobster cheddar bay biscuits, peckidills, daisies, lillies, the lake, memories, dreams, long hugs, kisses, furniture, cozy bed, down blankets, electricity, yarn, paper, sewing machine, love, friendship, inhimness, togetherness, solitude, tranquility, giggles that hurt your stomach, echo dr., puzzles, peonies, christmas eve, emotions, creativity, stillness, sleeping in, writing, texas sheet cake, weddings, dancing, photo albums, . . .

I walked out of the southwestern decorated guest room, with such excitement. I walked through the hallway carpeted in beige berber and into the avacodo green and harvest gold kitchen. My mom was preparing a pot roast. With a giant smile on my face, i showed my mom the fertility monitor that finally indicated i was ovulating. She wrapped her arms around me and said "i just had a feeling about this, Lindsey." We held each other for awhile, and broke apart when she said, "i guess you and TJ will be having some fun tonight." We laughed.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. With exciement over flowing in my heart, i promptly did my ovulation test. It was negative. It was a hard day. The dream seemed so real. But it was just that. . . a dream.

This time of year sucks anyway. I miss my mom more than i can put into words. It is intensified when i am trying to get pregnant. . . when i know she would cry with me, laugh with me, encourage me, and challenge me. I want her hug. I want her excitement when i finally do ovulate. I want her pot roast. I want her arms wrapped around me. I even want her nagging. I want to be pregnant.

What little patience i had to begin with is wearing thin. I feel like i am going to explode with anger, with frustration, with sadness, with all of this love and longing. I am trying to be content. Trying to lean on God. I know in the grand scheme of things a year and a half is not long, but when you are in the middle of it. . . it seems looooong. When you are in the middle of it without your best friend, without your mom, it seems like an eternity. When i am in the middle of it with no answers, no reasons why, and full of hormones, it seems unbearable at times.

I feel better just writing about it. I am confident things will work out. I just hope i can make it until then. I feel like i am losing parts of myself. It will all work out.

It just felt right.

This morning, i put up my winter village. IT always seems that if i wait until after Thanksgiving, i get really busy and keep putting it off. So as TJ was being tortured at class, i put up my village. There are two additions from last year. Bare trees that i bought in Chicago and the school that i got for Christmas last year. They look pretty lame on the camera. . . you should come over and see for yourself how cute they look.

Last night . . .

I used my bonus points (and then some).

I scrapbooked with friends until 11:00.

I got 4 pages done.

My ovaries decided NOT to release an egg (day 9).

I made tacos.

I was sore and bruised from falling/playing at school.

I wore sweat pants among friends.

I chatted with friends until about 11:30.

I porduced a large amount of bright yellow snot.

I slept 10 hours!

I ate a brownie with peanut butter chunks.

I saw my husband for 5 minutes before he went to bed.

I found out he got a B- on a project. He is not happy.

I drempt about my mom. She was making me dinner.

I had an enjoyable evening.

Only two and a half days next week, and on Monday i have a sub so that i can work on curriculum crap. The only problem: i don't have planning at all next week, which means i cannot plan for the following week, like i normally do. Hummmmm.

Friday

It is Friday, which explains why i am still at home blogging. It is 7:00, normally i am at school by now woorking away. On Fridays i normally sleep in, but not this morning. This morning i got up at my normal 5:15 time and cleaned. I have friends coming right after school and didn't get home from weight watchers and grocery shopping until 7:30 last night. I baked and made some dips and then tidied up a little then promptly fell asleep.

At weight watchers i was down 4 3/4! I was so excited. I missed last week due to conferences, so that is two weeks worth, but still, i was happy! I am quickly using my bonus points for treat day today at school and then food at my house. Thanksgiving falls into next week, so i don't have to worry about that quite yet.

I don't want to go to school. TJ and i are really struggling. We just (for the first time) don't like our jobs this year. There are days that i just don't feel like going in. I hope this changes. So, this is what it feels like to not be happy with your job. I feel like i am not a good teacher, a good friend or a good wife lately. I am stretched too thin to do anything up to my satisfaction. I have to remind myself that i set very high expectations for myself.

Well, my floor should be dry by now. Time to go make 2 cups (4 points) of chai for my sore throat to take with me to school. Poor TJ has class this weekend. . . he is really unhappy.

Birthdays

It was my dad's birthday yesterday and my grandma's birthday last week. As i thought a lot about them on their birthdays, i realized that i have this shallow, self-centered view of them at times. I Have a hard time picturing them little, anxious to celebrate a birthday with their mom and dad. I can't picture them waking up the morning of their birthday with happy thoughts about what their day will bring. I can't imagine them little. Have i heard enough stories about their childhoods? Have i seen enough pictures? Have i taken the time to listen to their memories before they forget themselves? I know bits and pieces, but not enough. I love them both. I hope they had happy birthdays.

Realxing with Chai

I had a lot of points left over today, so i sipped chai, browsed through a catalog and relaxed. Tomorrow at this time i will still be doing parent/teacher conferences. 8:00 am to 9:00 pm. It is going to be one loooong day, but i will survive. I am glad i took time to relax tonight. TJ is sick. He might be taking tomorrow off. I hope he does, or he will never get better.

My hopes are really getting high for the next try at ovulation. They weren't before when i found out the next step 20 days ago, but now i feel pretty confident. If it doesn't work this first time, i am not giving up on it. I will try it for a few months before moving on to the next step. I am not even sure what the next step is. . . i just know it is scarey. I haven't been so hopeful in a long time. That is a frightening place to be. . . you can be let down so easily. Today, TJ asked me if i was almost done taking my hormones. . .i think i am hard to deal with when i am pumped full of all these hormones. If you are the prayerful type, please pray for my ovaries (if that seems awkward, you can just pray for us!) I have been so honest with God during this. I have begged and pleaded and asked for patience and found patience and asked for patience and found it and begged and asked and praised Him and even sank so low as to bargain with him (which i am sure He found somewhat amusing) Thanks for your prayers. I know there are a lot of people thinking of us, and that makes it so much easier. We are loved.

I am selling blankets. I can't keep up with them again. I have no boy ones at school and i got an order for a normal sized, pink blanket with only satin ribbon. I haven't figured out how much to charge yet, but it is going to be quite a bit. She said to charge her whatever, but it will be hard to figure out a fair amount.

I got observed today. I am such an idiot. . . i told the art teacher a couple of weeks ago that i could change my art time on Wednesday, November 8th. She asked and i never have anything going on at noon. Well, of course, i did have something going on. My principal was coming to watch me teach, not to watch me take my kids to art. So, because i wasn't at school yesterday, i did not get her reminder. To make a long story short, i am an idiot. My flexible principal came at 1:00 instead. Great start to an observation, huh?

Well, now that i rambled i feel very relaxed and ready to lay down on the couch to watch TV as i fall asleep. I hope i survive tomorrow. I have some tricky conferences with some crazy parents. Good night.

Accomplishment Breeds Happiness

I successfully (if i do say so myself) created a huge power point about empirical research on students performance of writing argumentative responses to multiple sources as opposed to narratives using a textbook for a source. BORING, i know, but finished.

I finished my paper on the same article for the same class. It is not due until 11/14, but i have a HUGE project due 12/6 for that class that i need to get busy on

Montague won in football

Muskegon won in football

Laundry is almost done

My reading and written response is done for my class on Tuesday

I made weight watchers potato soup. i love it and it is easy.

i blogged. . .

I hope tomorrow i feel just as accomplished. I need to clean and work on report cards. Tonight i am going to see a play at Muskegon high. It starts at 7:00. . . you are welcome to come with.

Weight watchers

I cannot get back in the swing of things with my weight. I was doing so well, and then chicago and then a bunch of other excuses. It is all or nothing for me. I sit here at work, eating skittles that a student got for me. I need to leave for weight watchers in 5 minutes and i don't want to. I know i am up. . . a lot for the week and i was up a pound last week. I didn't bring my "light" shoes, instead i am wearing boots with a 4 inch heel. I could go and weigh a lot and then go next week having lost a lot. OR i could stay in denial. Huh? Writing this has made up my mind. Bye.

Good night

I am getting ready for bed and needed to sit down and unwind a little by writing some random thoughts. I just got off the phone with my dad. It was so wonderful to hear his chuckle (even though it was accompanied by a cough). When i said that he doesn't sound well, he said he sounds fine, until he laughs. I enjoy the fact that there is no awkwardness with him. It makes my heart happy when we are both laughing at the same time and then stop at the same time to start the conversation back up. I love my family. I love the whole idea of family. . . that a group of people so different are all connected deeply. I would do anything for my family. I am trying not to have "should'ves" or "i wishes" pop into my head, but they are there. I wish we lived closer. I should call them more. . . etc. My dad made my heart smile because after telling him i needed to get ready for bed and i would see him soon, i hung up the phone. It rang a minute later. He just wanted to make sure that he told me he loved me because he was interrupted by a cough earlier. To be told that you are loved has to be one of the best feelings. . . especially by a man that wasn't told that by his dad growing up. I am loved. I am loved by so many. It feels so good.

Another random thought, perhaps not as deep. I have never had to "style" my hair before. I am liking my new haircut becuase i just blow dry it. . . however, then i want it to stay "poofy" so i need to hairspray it. I need your help. I need it in a big way. What do you do to prevent the nasty, scratchy, sticky film of crusty residue all over the counter and floor? I don't know what is worse, long hair scattered every where or crusty spray making itself at home on my counter. Any suggestions?

Good night. Thanks for loving me :)