Huh.

I finally finished My Sister's Keeper today. I read while i was waiting for Jaely to fall asleep. I waited a long time. The book was a good read. There was one point where the mom is thinking about her daughter who has leukemia "I have only known her for two years. But if you took every memory, every moment, if you stretched them end to end- they'd reach forever." As a mother, i totally get that.

I felt like a terrible mother today. Terrible. I know i will have days like this, so i take it for that. Jaely was awake from 5-7. Very odd for her. She often wakes up, moves around at 5, but always goes back to sleep. Not this morning. I changed her diaper, rocked her, shushed her. Finally after letting her cry, she fell back asleep, only an hour before she normally gets up. She then slept to 9, throwing our normal schedule off. I fed her, played with her and then put her down for a nap. She promptly rolled over, and got in her sleeping position, so i left the room, turned on the monitor and started chopping broccoli for tonight's dinner. Not a peep came over the monitor. 30 minutes later, i go peek in on her and she is wide awake, playing with her feet. She never went to sleep, then did for 10 minutes, then woke back up. What a crazy day.

The part that makes me feel like a terrible mom is when she is rubbing her eyes because she is so tired. I know she wants to sleep. I know she needs to sleep. I just don't know how to make it happen. I don't know how to give her what she needs. Grrrr.

Tomorrow, instead of staying put and getting her naps in order, i am meeting a friend for lunch. Her planning and lunch are connected so we get to meet and chat over cheese soup at Pekedils. She needs me and i want to be available to that. . . and let's face it, i need her too.

Another bummer to my day was the fact that my plans for next week don't look like they are going to work. TJ is going to traverse city monday and tuesday and i thought Jaely and i would have fun if we joined him. We have been invited before, but this time we decided to do it. The fall color would be beautiful, plus my dad has mondays off, so i could visit him. TJ was asked if we also wanted to stay sunday night, so that we wouldn't have to leave long before the crack of dawn on Monday. We said sure. Now it seems plans have changed. TJ is no longer the only male going so the school wants to put him up with the other man. The thing is that the other man is the new principal who got the job that TJ was going for and this new principal is not well liked by many people yet. So not only is there not a good chance of me going with TJ and allowing him to hang out with Jaelynne at night, he has to stay with someone that he really isn't too fond of. I am so bummed. I was planning on going shopping, driving around looking at the trees and the lake, and taking Jaely on walks, hanging out with my dad, while still seeing TJ in the evening. He is going to talk to someone about tomorrow, but i bet i am staying home.