Coming Home

I couldn't get home soon enough today. I was destined for a nap. I was upset, overwhelmed, stressed, angry, and tired. Two days full of meetings. Today's meeting were just about a lot of change. . . change in documenting teacher absences, change in our grading program, change in curriculum, change in the principal's expectations. If you know me at all, you know i am not good with change when it is just dumped on me, with no time to plan for it and no time to reflect on it before responding. I cried when i got home, especially after talking to the rudest person at our credit union. I just needed to cry. I don't know if it is the hormones or my day or both, but it felt good. I am trying to stay relaxed, but there is so much pressure right now. I have such high expectations for teaching my students, sometimes very unrealistic, but i feel like i am made to feel constantly inadequate, unsupported, and unappreciated at times. Instead of being shown the good things we are doing, we are always shown the negative or the things that need to be changed. Nothing stays the same really. I know it is important to be constantly challenging yourself and constantly becoming better teachers, but this is ridiculous.

When TJ got home, he asked what was wrong and i could tell he genuinely wanted to know. i rambled on and on while crying about all the stupid things, changes, and expectations. He listened and hugged. He didn't try to fix or try to make me see it from another perspective. He just listened and hugged. It was just what i needed. I am still overwhelmed. Maybe because i have all these changes in my head, all of these outside pressures and without having my students in the classroom. . . it seems all for nothing. Maybe i will feel better when i actually get to start my job and teach. TEACH. Not filling out stupid monday morning reports, or documenting my positive parent contacts. Not making sure i am teaching the exact same thing my colleagues are at the exact same time or attending grade level meetings to discuss our ever changing curriculum. Not entering grades in a huge database that i don't find useful, or filling out 9 pieces of paper to attend one conference. When the kids come, i will see each of them for who they are and all this other junk will slip to the back of my mind. I will again see my calling. . . to TEACH. It is not the kids that are burning me out. It is all the other junk.- The negativity, the never satisfied administration, the aiming for a moving target, the jumping on the latest band wagon, the last minute changes and delivery, the miscommunication, the gingerbread molds.

TJ took me out to City Cafe. All i wanted to do was sleep, but i could tell he really wanted to eat out and it did sound good to get out and talk about other things. I just had to wait for my puffy eyes to settle down before we could go. Now i am going to bed. I had a long day yesterday and what seemed an even longer day today. I am low on sleep, energy and patience.

Tomorrow we are hanging out in GR and then we are staying at the amway grand for our last little get away and probably eat at Bistro Belle Vista. We are going to do some shopping, some spending, some relaxing, some connecting, and some laughing. Just what i need. When we get back, reality will set in and we will both get less sleep, worry more, and do the best job we can do at teaching our students.