Taking a month off (bump)

Yesterday was a better day. I felt motivated. I got a lot done. I didn't cry. In fact, i decided that i might as well get hopeful about the next round of shots and doctor's appointments, that maybe this was my month to finally get pregnant. I was alright with trying again and rather hopeful about it. I went into school this morning, thinking i would have sub for the afternoon. Prepared for the sub and made a call to the Doctor. They did indeed want to see me that afternoon. TJ almost couldn't get there, but he drove to G.R. and met me.

During my ultrasound, i had yet again hit a "bump in the road" as TJ called it. It seems that my ovaries are infested with lots of cysts, some big and filled with "yucky" stuff, and others just an annoyance, but not what they wanted to see. The cysts are the result of the OHSS and the amount of follicles i had. I was told that i would have to sit this month out, not by choice but because there was still too much activity happening inside of me. It wouldn't be good to rile my ovaries all up even more with shots and hormones. I was also told to go easy on the exercise (you don't have to tell me that twice) and not to have any wild, crazy "coitus" because my ovaries could twist (ouch) The timing of the next cycle, if i don't ovulate on my own, which i haven't in 10 years, puts us right at Jason's wedding. Not a good time to get OHSS and have to have my feet up for a week. Time will tell. I give up on making plans because they just turn into big bumps. Maybe i will ovulate on my own and i will actually be pregnant in California. That is a wild thought. See, there i go again. . . getting my hopes up, trying to stay positive. I really need to stop being so optimistic about the whole thing and then i won't feel so defeated when bumps come around. Oh, you know i can't do that. . . i will just be an ever-reaching defeated optimist. I bet there will be some relief from not having to read female anatomy related posts. What else is there to blog about? I will either get really quiet, or blog about random events, like i once used to. That doesn't sound so bad.

Unwelcomed Visitors

Last night at 1:00, i got an unwelcome visitor that couldn't have made it more obvious that i am indeed not pregnant. I was so excited to wake up in the morning and cruise down to the lab in Whitehall to pick up a copy of my blood results from Friday. I called friday morning to set up a test for Monday, and nurse said that i could go ahead and get it done this morning and she would call in the afternoon with the results. I ran out of school at lunch, only to be told i missed the pick up and wouldn't get my results in the afternoon, but i could come in Saturday and get a copy of them. Well, i guess i don't need to now. I of course woke TJ up and told him about the visitor. I cried and he held me. At 2:00, i still wasn't asleep and i had a pounding headache. I went out to the couch and put in Beverly Hills, 90210. TJ joined me and tried rubbing my head to make me relax and fall asleep. I think i fell back asleep a little after 3. Thank you for all of your prayers. We really don't want to start this all over, but it was really our first time trying in almost the three years that we have been trying. We really should do another cycle right away, which means back to G.R. on Monday and then twice a week for a while. I cannot imagine getting OHSS again, so we definitely have some questions for the dr. I was really hopeful and dreaded today, knowing my hope could be taken away completely, for this time around at least.

I woke up this morning to an e-mail that also states my granna has visitors, too. But her visitors are planning on staying. She found out she has lung cancer. She had a PET done on her lungs and many areas, including lymph nodes "lit up." She is tired of living and i try to understand that. And i do to some extent, to as much as my 28 year old body and mind will allow. But, it is still so hard to hear. It just bothers me to think that that nasty stuff is in her, and is getting no objection from her. One of the first questions she always asks me is "when are you coming to visit?" That was hard to hear before, but now it is so sharp and echoes in my mind. I just want to go back to bed, like it was yesterday and wake up to a new day. Life just kind of sucks right now. Sorry for the unhappy post. I am going to try to make the most of today, to not eat myself into a stupor, and to try to stay positive about something.

Happiness

Several little things made me smile today. . .if i look, they are all around me. Here are just a few:

• A good morning kiss
• heated seats
• a dimple
• an e-mail from a friend
• Friends coming down to my classroom to see me
• dark chocolate
• hearing my granna is helping to pay for part of our California stay
• having the ability to turn off Oprah when i heard Bill O'Reilly's voice
• sunshine
• a hug from a student
• a meow and purring from Abby
• a string of drool hanging from Annie's lips (she just looks hilarious like that)
• soup
• cheese
• photographs
• my jammie pants
• knowing American Idol is on tonight
• my classroom chair with wheels, so i didn't have to get up very much
• eucalyptus spearmint
• hot shower
• conversation hearts

Just a few. . . there are many more smiles yet to come.

Wow. . .

someone sent this to me. It is beautiful and so well done. We have been trying for three years, but i know there are so many couple out there who have tried for longer with more obstacles. Our journey isn't over either.

Home again

Well, i am home, away from my students, for one more day as i keep my feet elevated. My poor sub has to go to pool school today. You would think that i would have finished reading every book on my list or started writing a novel or something constructive. I haven't. I have watched many movies, graded papers, done suduko puzzles and watched TV. Next, i am going to continue watching Beverly Hills 90210 season 1. I am feeling a lot better today, so i need to watch myself because my doctor said to still stay off of my feet when i start to feel better or i can swell right back up. In my opinion this OHSS is not a good indicator of pregnancy. . . there are just too many variables. I am more confused than ever, so i will just have to wait out my full two weeks to know if we are pregnant or not. I am leaning towards no, but i would love to be surprised!

As i sit with my legs up, i look around and see all the chores that need to b done. We still haven't unpacked since we got home from Gail's. TJ has done so much to try to keep up with the house and with his school work, while still trying to do something for himself over his vacation. He did get some play time with Civilization on his computer and some reading time. Other than that, he has been doing school work, taking care of me, or taking care of some chores. He is the best. I know he feels just awful about this, especially a couple of days ago when i was absolutely miserable and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He is the best.

Bittersweet

Finally, my stomach is feeling better and the fluid is starting to drain. I went from peeing only two or three times a day to peeing four times just last night. Hooray. The only thing is ovarian hyper stimulated syndrome (OHSS) goes away quicker if you are not pregnant, otherwise it typically lingers into the first month of pregnancy. Bittersweet. I was so miserable, but so want to be pregnant. I know there is still a chance i am pregnant, but my hopes are not very high. Also, because i got OHSS this time, means it is very likely i will get it next cycle. I was literally on my butt since Thursday at 7:00 and the dr. still says to stay off my feet today. I might have to plan my next cycle to try around spring break and definitely not in early May because my brother is getting married and i am not missing that or being miserable during that happy time. I guess we will have to see.

Today, i have to do a lot of school work. It sucks. I feel like i didn't get anytime off to do anything i wanted to do, but then i think that at least i didn't have to use up more sick days. I was wondering if i would go to school tomorrow, but i think i will be alright. School work here i come. I will keep everyone posted. I have a little over a week of waiting still, but i am guessing it is a big fat no (at least not this time).

Miserable

I have sat in the same position for almost three days and three nights. My abdomen is still swelled, hard, and huge. It is a little better, but i thought it would be a ton better since i have spent all this time off of my feet. Will i get this ovarian hyper stimulation every time we start a new cycle of trying? I am not sure if i can handle it. I am supposed to continue staying off of my feet even after i start to feel normal and i do not feel close to normal yet. When i stand, i feel a ton of pressure and it still hurts when i breathe deeply. Poor TJ. He is waiting on me hand and foot and doing all of the chores. He hasn't slept well in nights because he is worried. We were at gail's this weekend, and i just sat there with my feet up. I think my butt is permanently numb. During the car ride, i sat in the back with my feet up. AAAHHHHH! Sorry this is not a happy post. I wonder if i will be able to go to school on Tuesday?

No wonder i was uncomfortable

So, yesterday, i was moving around on my feet cleaning, making sure to drink lots of water because i felt pretty uncomfortable in my abdomen. By the afternoon my stomach was so huge, round, and hard. None of my pants would even fit. I felt pressure all the time and sever pain if i sneezed, coughed, yawned, or took a deep breath. I decided to call my doctor. We played phone tag. TJ and i went out to CF Prime (wonderful, by the way). I had to wear clothes that were super big. By the time we left i was so uncomfortable i could hardly stand it. My breathing had actually become shallow. I had to recline my seat back in the car. When we got back, the doctor said that i had ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. 1% of the people who get FSH and HCG shots get a severe case of it where their abdomen fills with fluid and builds up to the lungs. Both TJ and i laughed that of course i would get this, since two weeks ago i was throwing up with the flu, last week i had terrible cramps, and this week it looks like i am filled with fluid.

So, i am to stay off of my feet completely with my legs elevated, drink no water, only drink 24- 40 oz of liquid (gatoraid or v-8 juice) a day, and when i start to feel better, i am to still stay off my feet. I am still very uncomfortable, but much better than last night. I had my legs elevated for 11 hours straight, so i better be feeling a bit better. When i stand up though, i feel as though my stomach is going to burst. Yikes. I hope this doesn't last long.

I worked two days this week

TJ had to go to school today and i had the day off. I felt bad for him when he got up this morning. I was so out of it. Lately, i have been speaking pure gibberish when he wakes me up or when i go to bed from sleeping on the couch. Last night i got a new friend. . . I just sat and held her and talked with her. She is called "you make my heart melt" And you cannot really tell, but there is melted chocolate on her fingertips. So cute.
Today, i made a list for myself, hoping it would give me some motivation. I am still in quite a bit of discomfort in my abdomen and i am trying to ignore it, but it is not easy. I have already balanced the check book, paid bills, and started laundry. Tonight, TJ and i are going on a date for our Valentine's dinner. I don't know if we are going to Butch's dry dock in Holland or the new place by pints n' quarts. The sardine room sounds good too. Decisions. Well, i am off to conquer more of my list. As of this morning, i am up 10 pounds since December. I want to cry, but i don't want to waste the energy on something that will bring no comfort nor weight loss. After we get back from Gail's this weekend, i need to go to a weight watchers meeting and face the pounds, so that i can get them off. . . AGAIN.

Sorry

I apologize for the previous post. I am better now. It is Valentine's Day and i am married to an amazing and incredible man. I am blessed. He loves me no matter how fat i get (or feel), how much i whine, or how hormonal i get. And the best part is he tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me. . . and even says i am beautiful. What more could a girl ask for? I love you TJ. Thanks for being you.

Morning Post

I should be on my way out the door, instead i sit here and blog. I am on the verge of tears. Everything just seems, well. . . blah. I put on a pair of pants that i used to be able to just pull down without unzipping. . . they fit perfectly. I know that i am a little bloated or swelled at my waist, but i don't think that much. I weighed myself and i am 7 pounds up from my lowest weight, which doesn't sound like a ton, but when it takes forever to take it off, it is a ton. I am so congested i slept with my mouth hanging open all night, and at dinner yesterday i had to eat with my mouth open. My terrible cramps won't go away. They kept waking me up every time i rolled over in bed. I miss my mom. I have the dreadful Valentine's party at school and i feel bad for my kids because obviously i am a party pooper. Thanks for reading. Sorry, to spread the blah. Hopefully, i also spread the love at times. Happy Valentine's Day!

Missing Mom

I looked at my blog from last year at this time, and couldn't believe the amount that i wrote. This year, i just dug up some pictures that remind me of my mom's personality for one reason or another. She is missed.My mom loved to nap. It was the highlight of her day. Everyday after school she would nap and then Saturday after she read the paper she would take a nap. This is a Sunday nap, a break from correcting papers and making lesson plans. It looks like Sammy is napping with her this time.

My mom would later become my best friend. We talked all the time about anything that was on our minds.

My mom had two spots in the house. This is one. She would often sit in her pajamas ans slippers and correct papers using a pink pen and writing the scores in her pink grade book as she sipped coffee and smoked. There was actually a sag in the couch from here sitting there

Her spring garden. The gardens started out small, and quickly took over to create a beautiful backyard. Oh look! She is wearing pink!

She absolutely hated cats, but held one for "Survivor Weekend"

Us in San Fran. I am so thankful we took this trip. In May i am going again, only this time with my dad, Jered, and TJ. I cannot wait.

This is her and Sammy feeding th fish in the pond.

This is my mom's other spot in the house. She actually got so she could pour a refill of coffee from this spot. On the counter, one could find a to-do list for the day/week, and ashtray, a cup of coffee, and her cigarettes. From here she had easy access to the calendar above her and to the phone.

The lilies. . . oh the lilies!

Well, i think i will watch my wedding video to see my mom and to hear her voice. Then i am going to take something for my cramps, put in My So-Called Life and scrapbook for a bit. As you can tell, i am not at school. Just didn't want to break down crying, be sad all day in front of my students, or worse yet. . . have a day where i did not take some time to remember my mom. I should also pay bills, empty the dishwasher and do laundry. We will see.

The Peach Pit

I have been watching season one of Beverly Hills, 90210 non-stop. It brings back such memories of watching the show and chatting with my friends about it at school the next day. The most enjoyable part is looking at their clothes and listening to the slang. It amazes me how good my memory is about things that don't really matter, like knowing that Brenda is going to get in trouble because Tif shoplifted (i wanted to write catapulted for some reason???), yet i cannot remember important things in life, like brushing my teeth. Anyway, right now Brandon is getting a C (gasp) in history as Steve is making an A due to stealing the tests, and Brenda is falling for Dylan. When i was younger, i used to think they were all good actors and i had often wondered what had happened to them. . .why they didn't all get more roles. . .now after watching part of season one again, i see why. I am still enjoying it though. I think i would win some sort of 90210 trivia game, if one ever existed. Then, i would feel so successful in life, like i had done what i was made to do.

Hopeful

Well, the doctor said yesterday that too many of my follicles were getting mature (it is not healthy to have 6 babies!), so he dropped my dose last night and we are going to then "give it a shot" for this cycle. I am overwhelmed with excitement and hope but at the same time being open to not getting pregnant this time around or even at all. We will see. I probably won't blog much more about it, but if you ask me. . . i won't mind talking about it. I don't want to blog because i am sure to over analyze my body and its messages it is sending me for the next two weeks, wondering if i am and i don't want to get anyone's hopes up because i am a freak. Although i say i won't blog about it, who am i kidding? We will see.

I am not sure what i am doing today. I guess i need to clean a bit. I might scrapbook. I had to leave scrapbooking early last night to get my final shot. I was so bummed, but at least i got a good night's sleep. TJ is really fighting the flu. I was praying he would not get it, but it looks like he is.

Mom and Valentine's Day

I was at work late today getting ready for a sub tomorrow. I have my hope-to-be-exciting doctor's appointment and a curriculum meeting. On my way home, i stopped at Plumbs and strolled down the aisles that included Valentine candy, Valentine cookies, and Doritos. I needed some comfort food. I needed to buy some goodies to place in the cute heart shaped candy dishes i have. I totally got this from my mom.

When i was living at my mom's, a huge red heart-shaped candy dish sat on the corner of the harvest gold counter tops. The dish's contents would vary, but most often it would contain Brach's gummy, fruity hearts. (these are almost impossible to find now. I found them two years ago at a plumbs, but have been looking everywhere ever since. Of course, they also happen to be TJ's favorite). In the harvest gold kitchen of my mom's there would also be a stash somewhere of heart-shaped cookies with red sprinkles or mini cupcakes with plastic hearts sticking out of the pink and swirled sprinkled frosting. I loved the little Valentine gifts my mom would get me. I miss them.

I am not sure why my mom loved Valentine's so much, and i am not sure if she always did, but i do know that she did as far back as i can remember. It is not like she had the best "luck" with relationships. I know she loved my dad. I know she loved George. I know that her heart got broken, too. But she still loved loving and being loved. Maybe she loved Valentine's so much because she was obsessed with hearts and with the color pink. Whatever the reason, i always find myself having to go out and buy little goodies to put in my heart shaped candy dishes, and that makes me smile, but it makes me really ache for her too. It certainly doesn't help that four years ago we had her viewing on Valentine's day and the her funeral the day after. Maybe that is why i needed some comfort food today. Or maybe because of all this. . . crap that we are going through as we ache for a baby, and my feelings of excitement, anxiousness, sadness, grief, hopefulness, trying to stay calm, to stay sane. I am constantly self checking my feelings to make sure they are in line and "allowed". . . when really i need to just let myself feel and deal with the consequences of having feelings, of being let down, of crying. I need to let myself get excited and remind myself that it is okay to cry at the same time because i am filled with memories, with longing, with hope, with happiness, with feeling. I need to let myself feel and these days that might mean sobbing because i miss my mom as i am smiling with the hope of pregnancy. My emotions are going to be confused. How could they not? Valentine memories, Valentine's day (i do love my husband very much), shots, ultrasounds, mom, the horrible day of February12, 2003, reliving conversations and memories, hope, progress, friends' prayers, friends pregnant, . . . i could go on. Up and down like a roller coaster. No wonder i feel like a freak!

Well scrapbooking night tomorrow night. I need to relax with some friends, with some laughter, and i might just get some scrapbooking done. I think this post makes the least amount of sense ever. I apologize.

Discouraging turns to encouraging

My emotions and hopes are on a crazy roller coaster ride. First we left at 6 this morning so TJ could prepare for a sub. When we got to his school, we found out that he did indeed have a snow day. . . which was good because it took us an hour and a half to get to the doctors. The roads were treacherous. The nurse took my blood and did an ultrasound. She said that my ultrasound wasn't looking too good. I had follicles, but none looked ready or mature enough to ovulate. She wasn't sure what the doctor would do, it all depended on my blood work. She said that he might start my cycle all over again and try another medication. I would get a call between 1 and 4 telling me what to do next. The call was a good one. My levels in my blood were high, which normally happens before the follicles look ready. I hope, i hope, i hope. Next Friday, after three more nights of high dose shots, i have a doctor's appointment. I hope. I hope. I hope. Now it is nap time.

hooray

Saturday i laid around all day. Sunday i woke up early with the flu. I was puking and had fever and chills. So, TJ took care of me. He also drove me to work to get lesson plans together for a sub on Monday. An hour after we returned from my school, tj and i get a call that neither of us have school. Hooray. So, today, i slept some more, and i didn't have to use a sick day. Tomorrow, i have my appointment in GR, so i already had a sub for the morning, but i was dreading going to school in the afternoon. I just received a call that i have yet another snow day tomorrow. God is good. TJ hasn't gotten a call yet. He decided to take a full day off tomorrow. If he got a call, that would mean he would not have to go into work to prepare for a sub. He has taken care of me so well these last couple days. I hope he gets a call too. Well, this is the most thinking i have done all weekend. I am going back to the couch. :)

Lazy day

I am not sure what i have done with my day. I started out the weekend knowing i was going to take it easy and stay cozy inside, but i didn't realize to what extent. I have stayed in my pajamas all day, minus the quick snowy run up to Hobos for some beach bread and hobos stew. When we returned, i promptly got back into them. I have taken a nap and sat and watched movies all day. Normally i cannot stand to just sit and "waste" time watching movies, but today i could. I have been fighting a cold for about a week now, so if my body is telling me to rest, then i am going to rest. I cannot believe how much snow we have gotten this weekend, and it just keeps coming down. They even closed the malls in G.R. It is absolutely beautiful. TJ and i were planning on going to the mall when we set out today, but as we were driving down Dalson, our plans quickly changed. We decided to eat somewhere close to Walgreen's where i was picking up a prescription. That was a great choice. When the wind blew, we could not see hardly anything. I hate driving in this stuff, but i love to look at it. Well, i think i will return to the couch and feather blanket. Stay warm.

You Talkin' To Me?

I had some fun with this. My dad sent it to me. I, of course, had it say inappropriate things for the wrong sex and such. I felt like i was in junior high all over again.

Resistant Ovaries

I know it might seem shocking that any part of my being might be resistant or stubborn, but it is true. The doctor referred to my ovaries as resistant because he has pumped them full and they still are not giving him the results he wants. He was rather surprised. So, we are upping the dose to 225 in each shot, and instead of checking on me after three days, he is having me do the shots for five days and come back Tuesday morning. A few days ago, i cried while driving to work because i have such wonderful and caring friends. On the upped dose, i might just break into tears over the beautiful and magical snow that is being dumped on us as i type. Yeah, the drive wasn't fun this morning.

To use a half or whole sick day next Tuesday. That is the question. It is pool school day. Can i expose a sub to such madness? I will be cutting it kind of close because we leave early on pool school days and my appointment is an hour later than normal, but i am using so many sick days and my students are getting so many subs because of my appointments and curriculum work. Pool school days are absolutely exhausting and i don't get any planning time and TJ is taking the whole day. I can't, can i? Hummmmmm. . .

I think i will go finish my second reading of The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I was really hopeful with this appointment, but i should have known that things just don't work out simply for me. There could be a line of problems once i finally do ovulate. We just never know, but God does.