I was at work late today getting ready for a sub tomorrow. I have my hope-to-be-exciting doctor's appointment and a curriculum meeting. On my way home, i stopped at Plumbs and strolled down the aisles that included Valentine candy, Valentine cookies, and Doritos. I needed some comfort food. I needed to buy some goodies to place in the cute heart shaped candy dishes i have. I totally got this from my mom.
When i was living at my mom's, a huge red heart-shaped candy dish sat on the corner of the harvest gold counter tops. The dish's contents would vary, but most often it would contain Brach's gummy, fruity hearts. (these are almost impossible to find now. I found them two years ago at a plumbs, but have been looking everywhere ever since. Of course, they also happen to be TJ's favorite). In the harvest gold kitchen of my mom's there would also be a stash somewhere of heart-shaped cookies with red sprinkles or mini cupcakes with plastic hearts sticking out of the pink and swirled sprinkled frosting. I loved the little Valentine gifts my mom would get me. I miss them.
I am not sure why my mom loved Valentine's so much, and i am not sure if she always did, but i do know that she did as far back as i can remember. It is not like she had the best "luck" with relationships. I know she loved my dad. I know she loved George. I know that her heart got broken, too. But she still loved loving and being loved. Maybe she loved Valentine's so much because she was obsessed with hearts and with the color pink. Whatever the reason, i always find myself having to go out and buy little goodies to put in my heart shaped candy dishes, and that makes me smile, but it makes me really ache for her too. It certainly doesn't help that four years ago we had her viewing on Valentine's day and the her funeral the day after. Maybe that is why i needed some comfort food today. Or maybe because of all this. . . crap that we are going through as we ache for a baby, and my feelings of excitement, anxiousness, sadness, grief, hopefulness, trying to stay calm, to stay sane. I am constantly self checking my feelings to make sure they are in line and "allowed". . . when really i need to just let myself feel and deal with the consequences of having feelings, of being let down, of crying. I need to let myself get excited and remind myself that it is okay to cry at the same time because i am filled with memories, with longing, with hope, with happiness, with feeling. I need to let myself feel and these days that might mean sobbing because i miss my mom as i am smiling with the hope of pregnancy. My emotions are going to be confused. How could they not? Valentine memories, Valentine's day (i do love my husband very much), shots, ultrasounds, mom, the horrible day of February12, 2003, reliving conversations and memories, hope, progress, friends' prayers, friends pregnant, . . . i could go on. Up and down like a roller coaster. No wonder i feel like a freak!
Well scrapbooking night tomorrow night. I need to relax with some friends, with some laughter, and i might just get some scrapbooking done. I think this post makes the least amount of sense ever. I apologize.