Family Picnic

I don't get to see my mom's side of the family very often, so when i got an invitation to a family BBQ, i planned on going. It was great to see aunts, uncles and cousins. I haven't seen them in awhile. . . there were people i hadn't seen in over 10 years. The weather didn't start out the best, but the sun came up towards the end. We had to leave a little early because Jaely needed to get some sleep. As it was, she still didn't get to sleep before 9:30- two hours after her bed time. I am so glad we went though. Oh, and did i mention the cheesy potatoes, pasta a la caprese, texas sheet cake, ribs. . . .yum!
Jaelynne putting her beloved stick in Jered's pocket
Evelyn. . . my cousin's daughter who is about 6 months younger than Jaely.
Jaely stuck her beloved stick in the cone
Evelyn showing jaely her camera and jaely showing evelyn her stick

My mom's sisters and brother

They are hilarious!

Victor & Johnny

The girl cousins

The girl cousins and kids

Jaely loves being an airplane!

The whole group!

27 Weeks!

Pasta A La Caprese

I made this last week. I followed my mom's recipe that my brother framed for me after she passed away. So special. The recipe. The memories. The thought. My mom used to have me remove the seeds of the tomatoes under cold water. She said it hurt her hands too much. Now that i am 32, i understand what she meant. Although i wouldn't go so far as to say my hands hurt, they definitely weren't comfortable.
One of my favorite things about this dish is the leftovers. They might even be better than when you first make it. I also like that following the recipe doesn't give you my mom's pasta a la caprese. You had to make it with her to know that she used dry basil and jarred sweet peppers, instead of fresh. I used a little fresh basil this time and a little dried. I remember her trying to figure out how to keep the mozzarella from clumping together.
I would have loved to have her sitting across the table from me, TJ, and jaely and eat with us. I would have loved to chop the tomatoes for her while she minced the garlic. I would have loved for her to watch her granddaughter put her finger in the hole of the mostaccholli before eating it and giggling at this discovery.
The leftovers are gone. . . i think i need to make more.

24 Weeks

I love being pregnant. I love the kicking, the wonderment, the miracle of it all. This pregnancy has been quite different. In fact, if it were still during the time when they could not tell the sex of the baby, i would think it was a boy because of all these differences. I am so so tired. I know that this pregnancy is different because i am running after Jaely, but i am still so tired. I still cannot stand the thought of food in the evening. I make myself eat dinner because i know i should eat, but i rarely enjoy it and never feel good after it. There are still certain things that are not allowed to be made in my presence. TJ plans on making them the moment he hears i won't be home for dinner- pizza, spaghetti, tacos, lasagna. I also have consumed more Tums than i did when i was pregnant with jaely. One normally does the trick, but it is one after almost any time i eat, including a snack. I feel better in the morning, than in the evening. My skin is also different with the pregnancy. When pregnant with Jaelynne, what acne i had immediately cleared up and stayed clear. Not the case with this one. I have at least one major zit on me at all times. Yuck.

I am feeling really good. Time seems to be going so quickly. Not being able to decide on a name is driving me crazy. We have our favorites, but our favorites change daily from a list of four. Thankfully, TJ and i agree on the list of four. I am almost to the point of telling other people so they can help us decide, but then again, that could certainly add to the indecisiveness if everyone likes a different one.

My ankles haven't been swelling up like they did at the end of school. The heat, and packing up my room and standing a lot did not do well for my ankles. Lazy summers in air conditioning and drinking lots of water have helped immensely.

Jaely gives her sister lots of kisses and every name we use, she points to the baby. I would like to start getting the nursery more ready for Ollietta, but nap times are kind of crazy for jaely. I would like to move Jaely's clothes into her dresser in her room and get the 0-3 month clothes from downstairs. The only problem- jaely empties her dresser during naps and tries to dress herself and all of her friends 9stuffed animals) in various clothing. Moving more of her clothes in there would make things worse. Right now, there are only a few pairs of pants, a couple shirts and pjs.

I need to feel ready before school starts because once school starts, i am going to be way more tired and busy. And i thought i didn't have any energy now. . .

A Family of Four

Ollietta is due in exactly four months!! We are so so excited and filled with anticipation. We are excited to see what she is going to look like. Will she be born with thick hair? Will she have big feet and long fingers?

I am so excited to see Jaely be a big sister. The other day while working the nursery at church, a baby came in. I put him down in his car seat. Jaely came right over and put the binky in his mouth and said "rocka, rocka" as she rocked him gently in his car seat. It was absolutely adorable to watch her be such a nurturer. I know that won't always be the case, but i think it will be like that many times. When i think of how many times i sat down to nurse jaely and didn't have the boppy or needed a diaper or a burp rag. . . now jaely will be able to fetch those things, and probably be really excited to do it. She is such a helper when she wants to be. Hopefully the jealousy thing won't last too long.

All the Chapple girl cousins didn't have sisters and our mothers were so close. I am so glad Jaelynne will have a sister. I don't know how we will handle two kids, but people do it all the time, so i know we will be okay.

As i write this, i can feel Ollietta move around. It is the best feeling ever! Four more months. . .

Race in May

I know it was back in May, but i just had to share some of these pictures that i recently got through e-mail. It was a frigid day in May. . .we had to find our winter jackets again. My brother was running in the river run in GR and my dad, my aunt & uncle and the Ellis family went to support him. I admire my big brother so much for his determination and hard work. I could NEVER do what he did. Jaely wasn't quite herself all day. . . i think it was the cold, the crowds, and the unfamiliar place, but by the end she warmed up a bit to family.

This picture cracks me up. . . what an expression on each of their faces.

The Runner

Father and Son

we went out to eat afterward, and Jaely was definitely her entertaining self.

Fulfilling a Teaching Requirement

I am leaving tomorrow night for Lansing. . . I will be gone for a week. In order to get my teaching certificate renewed i need to take classes. I just have three credits left to get before next June and after next week, i will have satisfied that requirement. I wanted to get it done before having our second child. . . i am imagining a pretty crazy life at that point. I am going to miss home, miss TJ, and miss Jaely so incredibly much. I am staying at a hotel with a friend, so that should help keep my mind off of things for a bit, but not enough.

I am going to miss TJ's kisses and Jaely's giggles. Hopefully Jae will talk to me on the phone. . . sometimes she is just not in the mood for such silliness.

Vivid Dreams

I had forgotten what amazing dreams i have when i am pregnant. They are so vivid- so real. One time i woke up and thought "i could make that into a movie" because it was so suspenseful. Not scary, just exciting.

Last night, i dreamed i was gardening with my mom. It was absolutely am amazing. I could swear i smelled the dirt i was digging in and the smoke from her cigarette. At first, it was just George and i awaiting my mom's return home. Sometimes she comes back in my dreams, but most of the time she doesn't. Most of the time she is away on vacation or she has moved or she is lost. . . but last night she did return.

We were planting perinnials by the stumps in the big garden. The hens & chicks were there and the bee balm. We were adding blue chips and coneflowers. What i loved about my dream is that my mom wasn't just the good qualities that i remember (i often ignore the things that drove me nuts about her) it was Lynne- the complete package. She was awesome and laughed a lot, but she also kept nagging me to plant the flowers closer together. I got just a little snotty back at her. I remember thinking that she had hardly done any planting between standing up and directing me and smoking her cigarette. It was such a typical time. . . i miss those times.

I wasn't pregnant in my dreams. . . i wish i was. I want to have a conversation with my mom about it at least once (even if it is just in my dreams). And since she was such herself, it would have been an exciting conversation full of pink items, smiles, questions and of course nagging to visit her more. :)

I have 5 more months of vivid dreams and i hope i see my mom again real soon.

My Husband

I am so incredibly exhausted, but i just had to come on and write some thoughts. I had an amazing birthday today. TJ thought of the whole menu, sent invites to family, cooked, made my favorite cake, set out the dishes, and even cleaned up. He is amazing. And because he did all of those things, i was able to enjoy family time and watch Jaely enjoy family time.

He amazes me. Thank you, TJ for making such a special day for me and for working so hard to make it a tasty and fun day. I love you.

School is out. . . really?

I am waiting for it to sink in. The end of the year sneaked up on me. I don't know why. Maybe because the weather stayed cool for the most part. Or maybe because i was rushing around until the very end folding report cards, writing notes to each student in their third grade memory book, writing a note in their summer reading book, meeting next year's class, and refolding report cards. Maybe it sneaked up on me because this year just flew by. . . it seems to go a lot faster when you have a two year old at home.

I am just so relieved, ready to relax and spend time with Jaely. I must admit, i am a little nervous spending so much time with her. . . it has been awhile. Will i keep her busy enough? Will i be too easy? Will i break with every pout and whimper? Will i lose my patience?

And then i think of the zoo, the beach, the parks, camping, condo, visiting family, farmers markets, libraries, art fairs and i realize it will be a good summer as a family!

Amazing. . .

I just read that Baby Ellis will be born with 300 bones in its body. As he/she grows some bones will fuse together to produce a total of 206 bones by adulthood.

Unbelievable. Amazing. Our bodies are crazy and God is creative!

I Felt the Baby Move!

I felt the baby move for the first time last night. There is nothing like it. I just stayed still on the couch and waited and thought. It is amazing how much we love this baby already. It is an awesome love. . .one that is not based on choices or decisions that this child will make. It is not based on personality or preferences. We love him/her just because she/he is a gift from God. Nothing can make us love it more or less. What an amazing love. Now i understand how my parents loved me, regardless of mistakes i made, choices i made, goals i've accomplished, and my faults.

Gardening

I know i have said it before, but i just love gardening. I love all the memories that come with it and the enjoyment that comes with it. It is overwhelming at times, like today when i went and looked at the gardens and saw more weeds everywhere. But for the most part it is so enjoyable.


My clematis vine has at least a dozen blooms on it at a time. It looks fabulous!

Birkenstocks, Greenhouses, and Pregnancy

Lately my mom has just flooded my thoughts, and although that is not a bad thing by any means, it is an emotional and fragile thing.

Friday is casual day and i had on my jeans and my blue Montague Wildcat shirt. After i got dressed and was deciding what shoes to wear, it occured to me that i could wear my blue birkenstocks. I was not always the owner of these shoes. These shoes had formed to another person's foot, but they were still comfortable to me. These blue birkenstocks belonged to my mom. She LOVED them. When she passed away it was one of the many things i gathered. We had the same shoe size and she had good taste in shoes. I would put them on with a smile on my face as i remembered her and i always made sure my toe nails were polished. On Friday when i went to put them on, they didn't fit. My feet have grown a full size since i was pregnant with Jaelynne. I was so incredibly bummed. For a couple days they sat by the bench at the foot of our bed. I wasn't sure what to do with them. Right now, they sit in the trash in our bedroom. Sad.

We visited one of our favorite greenhouses in Allendale this morning. I am never prepared for this experience. I always get tears in my eyes as i remember going many times a season with my mom. I would help her pick out flowers, go fetch the alysum or the lobelia or the pink impatience, and help her load everything into the car. When we got home, we had a big planting celebration. Perinnials were the most exciting to buy. These were big decisions that required my opinion because they would be around for a long time. Today, i still find myself looking for the same flowers and wanting the same ones my mom had. TJ is always drawn to other ones as well, and i am just never sure of them. Thankfully, my mom had a pretty broad range of flowers. I missed her so much as i went up and down those aisles looking for a good combination to plant in a huge ceramic blue pot. She would love our gardens and the ability to exchange plants.

And then there is the 16 weeks pregnant thing. What pregnant girl doesn't want her mom around? What girl doesn't want her children to know her mom. I look at jaely often and think how much my mom would have loved her and i can just picture how excited my mom would be at being a grandma again.

Gardening

Today, for Mother's Day, i spent close to four hours in the garden soaking up the sunshine while i weeded. It was the most perfect day. It started with Jaelynne in the morning. We made a quick trip to target and then spent the rest of the morning outside playing. I came in and gave her lunch. Then played with her inside until her nap. As soon as TJ got home, i raced outside to begin weeding. It was perfect. No bugs, not too hot, and very sunny! I worked as my ipod jammed my favorite tunes. After working out in the yard, i am so incredibly sore. TJ made grilled steak and grilled veggies for dinner. . . my favorite.

I should correct essays, but i just can't. I need to go to bed soon!
The bleeding hearts are getting HUGE! This picture is a little past its prime. the blooms are faded, but it still shows how large they are getting.
I weeded the lilies today. I like how little maintenance they take, their foliage, and how they cover the area.The top layer of the garden needs help. . . after all the rain last spring, there is a sink hole near the edge of it. My hens & chicks are growing in the hole fairly well, though.

My clematis is growing like crazy. This is only its second year. . . i am so excited to see all the blooms open.
The bottom garden got hit hard with the flood last spring. Many of my flowers didn't make it, but for the first time in two years, i weeded it. I found some survivors, but mourned the lost.
I think TJ put the kids' play set in the most perfect spot

Thank you Jaely and TJ for my Mother's day present. I already enjoyed swinging in it and look forward to many more moments with it.

John DeBoer

Before even pulling into GVSU this morning i was emotional, having to wipe tears from my eyes much sooner than i had anticipated. John DeBoer was speaking his final sermon to over 800 people today- alumni, current students, family, staff, and professors. While making the drive to GVSU, i thought about how much of an impact John has had in my life. Going to Grand Valley was my second choice. I wanted to go to Hope, but my mom said it was far too expensive. I wanted the comfort of going to a Christian College, but God had other (much better) plans for me. At Grand Valley, i had to make a conscious choice to follow God. As a freshman, away at school trying to figure out who i wanted to be, i started attending Campus Ministry events and church. John remembered my name after the first time we met. His sense of humor is awesome, his teaching from the Bible amazing, and his care for students unbelievable. I remembered while pulling onto campus that John had traveled across the state on Valentine's day to attend my mom's funeral and offer support. . . that was long after i graduated from GVSU. An act like that means so much. Nine years ago, John married us. His John-isms like "100%/100%" and "it's a non-issue" are still heard in our house. His marriage to Sherry is incredible. He always said that couples need to be two independent trees that grow with each other, support and shade each other. I loved that Sherry did her own things, went on her own trips, but supports John 100%. A Friday a month, they would open their home to sometimes 100 college students for a mini retreat. They would grill food and feed us. We would sing songs and do a Bible study with John. Friendships were made, God was praised, and we learned more about having a relationship with God. John has an amazing way of making the Bible make sense and applicable to my life. I have never felt closer to God than i did at college. With his titanium hips and Captain Kangaroo looking face, he loved, taught, and listened to his students at GVSU. He has such a deep understanding of grace and mercy, and such an incredible way of sharing his knowledge and understanding. He was the first one to have me think of things differently. . . to sort them out for myself. Topics like abortion and capital punishment were pondered and i was able to draw the conclusion that we are not the ones to judge. God teaches us to love, not to judge or hate. He doesn't need us to judge. . . He can handle that on his own. John is the eternal optimist, the cheapest first generation Hollander i know, the guy that always wears blue dress slacks & a short sleeve button down shirts with his tennis shoes that he covered the white with permanent marker . His favorite verse, "His mercies are new every morning" has been etched in my mind, especially during rough days.
He lives in Muskegon, so we are able to get together with him now and again. As i saw over 800 people gather to celebrate John today, i was overwhelmed with how many lives John has touched. He started ministry work in 1962 and hasn't done anything but that. He has made an impact on the world as i think about how far people have settled from Grand Rapids and all the kids and babies that were there. He has affected generations. . . even Jaely will be affected by John through her parents.

Thanks, John. I don't think you will ever be fully aware of how you impacted me, TJ, and our marriage.

A little over 10 weeks

ya, not attractive. I kind of look like a large man with breasts, but oh well.

Today, i didn't do up my pants all the way and just depended on a belt to hold my pants up and my long shirt to cover the undone button. I can't believe how fast a baby bump is appearing this time around. I refuse to wear maternity clothes this early. . . i just can't imagine wearing it until November. It is best to put it off for as long as possible. I am glad that i have the scale to let me know that it isn't just me getting fatter, but that it is indeed a baby bump. All of my maternity clothes are for winter. . . guess i should go shopping soon.

The Best Not Feeling Well Ever

I feel like crap. My stomach is never really happy. . . whether it has food or not. This morning i actually felt like i was going to pass out and i had to sit down. I decided after awhile that i probably needed to eat. I remember waking up between 1 and 2 in the morning and my stomach was hungry. I should have gotten something to eat right then and there, but i didn't. When i get really hungry, i get nauseated and then NOTHING sounds good. That is what happened this morning. I tried to eat some crackers and yogurt, but i don't think that was enough. I have yet to throw up, but i am in almost a constant state of nausea.

The good thing is. . . it is because i have a baby growing in me! It is so worth it. . . i just have to remind myself that this will pass and it is for a very very very very very good cause.

My week of being able to take daily naps and relax when i want to is coming to an end, but i think soon i will get my energy back anyway. I am 10 weeks now and it seems to me that with Jaely i woke up one morning with my energy back right around 12 weeks. . . so i keep waiting for that feeling.

Soon, i am going to bed. It is one way to feel better (i can't feel like crap when i am sleeping) and i am bringing crackers to bed with me- just in case i wake up hungry again. I want to avoid a day like today. It was not good.

Baby Bump

I really shouldn't be showing yet. It seems a little early to me. My pants were all getting tight and i blamed it on gaining weight and getting fatter, but when i jumped on the scale this morning and it told me i lost 5 pounds, i knew that it was indeed a baby bump that is making my pants tighter! Whoo hoo! I love being pregnant. It is the coolest thing!

I guess when ice cream and cookies don't sound good and nothing sounds good after dinner, i lose weight. I have not eaten anything past 6:30 in about a month. . . my stomach just can't handle it. Well, i guess i have had some tums after 6:30.

Wow- a Heartbeat!

I still can't stop thinking about it. . . how this tiny 6 millimeter life in me has a heart that beats. At first we saw the baby and the heart flash on the screen, and then seconds later the doctor turned the speakers on and there it was . . .a heartbeat- oddly strong for its tiny state. With each steady beat it was saying "I'm here. I'm strong. . . I'm here. I'm strong. . I'm here. I'm strong." It was the sweetest sound to my ears and i am so thankful TJ was there to hear it too. I smiled when i saw the fuzzy picture of the little being, and i teared up when i heard its tiny heart beat so strongly. Not even five weeks ago did this exist. . . and now it has a heart beat!

With Jaely, i was considered a normal pregnancy after the heartbeat was heard and was shipped off to my OB doctor as soon as we heard the heart beat. Not this time. They want to keep me for awhile and for that i am glad. I have quite a large cyst that seems to be growing just a little instead of shrinking and it is causing me some pain, but not all the time. My other cysts on my other side is shrinking. The doctor also said that because of the "circumstances around my pregnancy" (having a regular period) he would like to continue seeing me. He calls it "circumstances," i call it a miracle. At first my bleeding was referred to as implantation bleeding, which happens to some, but mine was not that. I know it wasn't. The second time it was referred to as a period. His cautiousness makes me cautious. . . but i am still very excited.

Sometimes i think the word 'miracle' has lost some of its power or has been taken for granted. Growing a human being is truly a miracle. Reading about all the science behind it proves to me what a miracle it is. Cells dividing and already being designated as a lung cell or a mouth cell at such an early time is a miracle. I am so blessed that i get to be apart of this miracle.

I am PREGNANT!

So, i am pregnant. It still feels so weird writing that. I am six weeks along, but have only known for a week. It is actually harder for me to grasp than it was with jaely because with jaely i was expecting a yes or a no, but with this one, i already had my answer. And it was no. I had a period. The doctor called it implantation bleeding, but i am still calling it a period. It, without going into much gross detail, was a heavy flowing, yucky five days of a period

Either way, God's timing is amazing. And because of the circumstances, His greatness is seen even more. Looking back His fingerprints are all over my decisions and the events that took place. I cancelled an HSG test because i was tired and didn't want to be away from my students for three out of five days. The nurse later told me it was good i didn't get that test done- wouldn't have been good for the pregnancy. I had some friends over two weeks ago for scrap booking. We had mexican food and i was so bummed when i discovered that the Margarita mix had expired. So, i settled on a mountain dew. I did take some cold medicine, but there is nothing i can do about that now. We made this baby on the very date that my mom passed away. One life ends and another begins. Our due date is/was my granna's birthday.

It was a little odd to find out when TJ was out of town. I am glad gail was here so i could celebrate with someone close. TJ was with no one he knew.

I am ecstatic (and exhausted) about this .23 cm little baby growing in me. I cannot wait to hear the heartbeat and know that it is indeed a healthy pregnancy. I will hopefully hear it Wednesday.

What a wonderful gift that i am able to experience. Now, i must go to bed. . . i am growing a human after all!

Another Major Roadblock

I literally clapped when the nurse told me i had just a few cysts and could start my next round of shots right away. This is the first time that i was not instructed to take a whole month off and let my body "rest". I could get going right away!

I called TJ on my way home from GR. I had the three papers in my hand of dates, and appointments, of plans, and instructions. I rattled them off at him. . .and then he said it. He reminded me. He is going to Huston for four days. For four days that just happen to be when i probably need him close to me. . . very close to me, if you get what i mean. But we are never sure of the dates until we get to it. You can't really plan, but it just seems like it is very likely.

Argh. I cried and hung up the phone. What now? I already started my shots last night. The nurse instructed me to go ahead and then if i did have cysts, i would stop. I don't know what to do. . .

Things just aren't working out right now.

Life Comes to a Standstill

Every time i find out that we are not pregnant after a month of shots, moodiness, doctor appointments and subplans, my day kind of stops. I can have the greatest intentions of getting a lot of things done, be in the best of moods and then all of a sudden just want to crawl into bed and cry. My motivation gets sucked out of me. My smile and laughter fades. I have a hard time finding a dry spot on my pillow to rest my head. I know it isn't the end of the world. I know people are suffering far more than we are. I know we are blessed to already have Jaelynne. But it still sucks. It is such a tiring process and it starts all over again so quickly. I probably need to go to the doctor Monday to see if i have cysts or if we can start all over. Maybe after three rounds they need to further investigate things. Who knows?

Right now, all i know is that i feel like crap. My hopefulness quickly changed to hopelessness. I am crampy and crabby. I am uncharacteristically negative, and i don't know how to handle it. It is an unfamiliar quality that my heart doesn't know what to do with.

I don't want to go to church tomorrow and take care of other people's babies. I want to stay in bed for as long as possible (probably until 9:30, for me) and then mope around and play with Jaely.

I know i will snap out of it, it is just the waiting until then that gets old. My appointment will probably do it. I will have a plan then. Guess i need to make sub plans, but i am not sure for what day or for half a day or all day.

Little Mern

I used to love visiting my mom's classroom. I would help her every year in the late summer preparing her classroom for teenagers. i started going when i was real young and i was only good for cleaning desks. By the end i was climbing on chairs to hang posters and alphabetizing and organizing a number of things. I would go in to her school a few times during the school year too. When i was young, i was kind of shy, but towards the end i was quite the show-off and remember putting great thought into what i was going to wear. Her students called me "Little Mern." My mom's nickname was Mern. Almost every student called her that instead of Ms. Michael or Mrs. Dungan. I liked when students called me that because i so wanted to be like my mom.

On Thursday, TJ brought Jaelynne to my classroom to our Valentine's party. I don't think he realizes how much that meant to me. You know what my students said when they saw jaely? "Oh look! It is a little Mrs. Ellis!" "It is a mini you, Mrs. Ellis." They had know idea what it felt like to hear those words. They were excited to finally meet this little girl that they hear so much about. She walked around their tables and pointed to the kids. She even attempted to hand out valentines like the kids did. And. of course, she wore her pink tutu with her heart shirt.

My Mom Dreams

Last night i dreamed that i was dancing with my mom. It wasn't that unusual for my mom to take me and dance with me in the kitchen. . . even when i was older. I remember coming home from college or visiting home with TJ after we were married, and my mom would still hug me and then not let me go as she danced me around the kitchen. Often times i picture her doing that in her blue terry cloth robe with a cigarette in her hand. The kitchen usually smelled of something cooking or baking. She always had quite a spread when i (later we) came to visit.

Dreams are the closest i can get to my mom. If i close my eyes, i can still kind of hear her laugh, but when i dream of her it is crystal clear. I dream of the details of her fingers and nails, her clothing, and her voice. She is always happy to see me and i am, of course, ecstatic to see her. Years ago, when i dreamed of her, i was a little angry that she left me. . .i am always angry with George in my dreams. I tattle on him to my mom when we get a chance alone. Yikes.

I hope tonight we meet again in my dreams. I miss her so very much. Being a mama to Jaelynne, makes the pain worse, at times. My mom would have loved being a grandma. I have yet to dream of Jaelynne and my mom seeing each other. It is always me coming home or my mom and i meeting somewhere. Maybe i don't dream of her at our house because she never saw it.

Good night. Sweet dreams.

Focused

I had the first of a new kind of shot for round three tonight. With that shot, not only did liquid rush into my body, but so did emotions of hope and strength. I can do this for another round. . . it could work this time. The baby would be born sometime in November. See, how my mind travels. . . from being a little hopeful to almost seeing it as reality. Scary what optimism can do.

I have things to focus on. I am trying really hard to lose weight before i get pregnant. . . that may be next month or it may be months from now. Either way, i am going to work my butt off until then. Okay, now i feel a little guilty as i write that. I ate little debbie snacks and went over in weight watcher points, and i am not exercising tonight. I suppose i could still change the last one, but i don't think so. . .

Tomorrow is a new day!

"Hope is the Thing with Feathers. . . "

-Emily Dickinson
It is hard for me to remain unbiased. I sure feel pregnant, but the feelings have more to do with all my shots than with the actual hormones that being pregnant releases. I even look pregnant. . . my ovaries are over stimulated by all the shots and grew huge follicles that are pushing my tummy way out. The pressure and bloattiness is even giving me heart burn. I actually feel like i am waddling and none of my clothes are fitting and i am uncomfortable. Bending down has become an obstacle. But again, i have to remind myself that that is the result of a month of shots. If i am pregnant, i won't feel it for quite some time. I won't know for awhile either.

Of course i am hopeful. . . over hopeful? Perhaps. Since this was the second round and Jaely was created on the second round, i am hopeful. Since i had four follicles that were ready to drop an egg and i had three waiting in the shadows that were so close to being mature that the nurse wanted to give me my trigger shot right there in the office, i am hopeful. Scared to death of multiples (and a wee bit excited), but hopeful.

If my optimism guides me down a path that turns out to be incorrect, i will be devastated. . . just be warned. I want this time to work. I want to have a baby before Jaelynne gets too old. . . before i get too old. I don't want to face all the shots and appointments again- for awhile anyways. We are ready (ready as can be, anyways). Honestly, it does scare us to add a human to the mix of our chaos, financial situation, and exhaustion, but at the same time, it just seems right.

I won't know for awhile, which means you won't know for even longer. But, please pray. . . if you are the praying type. And if my optimism is leading me incorrectly, pray for my response and reaction. I will need it.

Our Home

There is just something about it. I know it isn't the largest square feet, or filled with the nicest granite, or has space for a buffet in the dining room, but there is just something about our home that i just love. I love how warm it feels, especially during this season. I love how filled with love it is. . . how full of laughter and giggling it can be and then how silent and peaceful it can be. I love the hand smudges on the beveled glass of the front door, the old wooden rocker sitting by the tree, our dinning room table, the height marks on the white wall from Jaely when she was one year and a year and a half, the beautiful appliances that make our lives easier, the tile in the laundry room that has tiny pink boots drying on them, the pictures hanging on the walls that are proof that my memories are true, the lighted swoops on our wonderful front porch, our peaceful & uncluttered bedroom with our soft, cozy bed, and the ever changing rooms in our house that transform themselves based on our needs (white room with my old furniture from childhood, red office, red guest room, nursery equipped with newborn things, and Jaely's big girl room).

I love our home. I enjoy being in it. I am able to relax in it. I love pulling into the driveway and kissing my husband and hearing my daughter squeal with delight. I love watching TJ cook in the kitchen, jaely eat bubbles in the bathtub, Abby sleep on the back of our overstuffed chair, the Christmas tree aglow, and the village seemingly bustling with activity.

I am so thankful for the love and the warmth that fills our home.
Jaelynne's first Christmas ornament from my dad.
I love hanging these two red sleds together. . . check out the dates on them.
Jaelynne's first moose ornament from last year.
Our first Christmas together. . . this is our engagement picture

This year's solution for a lack of fireplace. . . someday we will have one in our basement. My village that brings me so much joy and peace. . . it just makes me feel cozy.

A Santa i can remember for as long as i can remember Christmases. My mom made it. I admit it is a little frightening and a little yellowed (he was a smoker at one point in his life), but i love him just the same.

My Swedish Angel that belonged to my grannaJaelynne's Room- a little sparse, but we are getting there.

When Jaelynne found this owl up above her door, she giggled and pointed and talked to him.
Her tree that i slapped up way too fast. . .
I found this at Hobby Lobby. . . i am in great need of tacks. . . i know i have some somewhere.
Every night when i pick jaely up off of her changing table, she points to the letters of her name on the wall. The first time it wasn't there she was so confused. They now hang above her bed (you can hardly see them in this picture).

Nothing Beats It

When i got home from school today, i was greeted by my beautiful daughter. She came out of the house and onto the porch with her new green purse swung over her shoulder as it overflowed with Fisher Price little people. She had her smile. . . the one that her cheeks push up in her eyes, turning them into crescent moons. She opened and closed her palm up in the air and said "i, i, i " (hi, hi, hi). I love all the little squeals that escape her lips. Once inside, i got settled into my jammy pants and grabbed my string cheese to nibble on while i played with Jaely.

Jaely climbed up onto the overstuffed chair and patted for me to sit next to her. She smiled her sweet smile. I sat down, knowing full well what she wanted. Our cheese sharing has become quite the daily event. I sat down, squeezing between her and the arm of the chair. She immediately signed "please" meaning "can i please have a piece of the scrumptious string cheese?". She giggled as i tore the first piece and handed it to her. Before she was done chewing it, she signed "please" again. This continued until the whole string cheese was gone.

What a perfect moment. . . sharing my cheese with my daughter as we cuddled in the chair. It really doesn't get much better than that.