Unwelcomed Visitors

Last night at 1:00, i got an unwelcome visitor that couldn't have made it more obvious that i am indeed not pregnant. I was so excited to wake up in the morning and cruise down to the lab in Whitehall to pick up a copy of my blood results from Friday. I called friday morning to set up a test for Monday, and nurse said that i could go ahead and get it done this morning and she would call in the afternoon with the results. I ran out of school at lunch, only to be told i missed the pick up and wouldn't get my results in the afternoon, but i could come in Saturday and get a copy of them. Well, i guess i don't need to now. I of course woke TJ up and told him about the visitor. I cried and he held me. At 2:00, i still wasn't asleep and i had a pounding headache. I went out to the couch and put in Beverly Hills, 90210. TJ joined me and tried rubbing my head to make me relax and fall asleep. I think i fell back asleep a little after 3. Thank you for all of your prayers. We really don't want to start this all over, but it was really our first time trying in almost the three years that we have been trying. We really should do another cycle right away, which means back to G.R. on Monday and then twice a week for a while. I cannot imagine getting OHSS again, so we definitely have some questions for the dr. I was really hopeful and dreaded today, knowing my hope could be taken away completely, for this time around at least.

I woke up this morning to an e-mail that also states my granna has visitors, too. But her visitors are planning on staying. She found out she has lung cancer. She had a PET done on her lungs and many areas, including lymph nodes "lit up." She is tired of living and i try to understand that. And i do to some extent, to as much as my 28 year old body and mind will allow. But, it is still so hard to hear. It just bothers me to think that that nasty stuff is in her, and is getting no objection from her. One of the first questions she always asks me is "when are you coming to visit?" That was hard to hear before, but now it is so sharp and echoes in my mind. I just want to go back to bed, like it was yesterday and wake up to a new day. Life just kind of sucks right now. Sorry for the unhappy post. I am going to try to make the most of today, to not eat myself into a stupor, and to try to stay positive about something.