It's been awhile

A catch up of happy moments and not-so-happy moments. . .

Every Thursday, there are 8 tiny, clear plastic cups filled with fluoride delivered to my room. Parents pay a small amount to have their child swish fluoride every week, due to well water lacking in that. After they swish it around for i minute, i say "spit" and the students spit into the cup and wipe their mouth with a napkin and then put the napkin into the cup and put the cup into a clear plastic bag held by me. The sound of 8 students spitting is rather disgusting and sometimes (depending on the flavor) the smell is very fetid like. Anyway, i have one student named Emma (one of my favorites. . . i know i am not supposed to have favorites, but occasionally i do) hates to hear or be by the students when it is time to spit the colorful spitty liquid into the see through cups, so she stays as close to me, the bag-holder, as possible. As soon as i say"spit" she quickly and with great gusto spits into the cup, throws the cup into the bag and runs far away from the other spitters, who, for some reason, take their sweet time spitting and throwing the cup away. There is always great talk about the flavor of the fluoride at this point. Last Thursday, Emma was doing her normal standing close to me, ready to project the grape flavored fluoride into the cup at even the hint of the word "spit." I said "spit" and she forcefully spit and got ready to run. . . only she aimed for her empty hand instead of the cup and sprayed grape spitty fluoride all over my shirt, my pants, the carpet, and of course, her hand. We were laughing so hard i almost started to cry. She was absolutely devastated. The look of horror on her face is something i will never forget.

The happy goat that i like to look at was standing atop a narrow stump the other day. I made sure no one was behind me, stopped the car and laughed till i cried. The stump was as tall as the little black pygmy goat. I want one.

I haven't been on in awhile because i have been busy, but also our hard drive completely went kaput. Luckily we have a back up hard drive that TJ occasionally saves all our stuff too, but it takes awhile to reinstall crap and he has also been busy.

I stayed with my good friend/ sister-in-law this weekend in G.R. It was wonderful to spend time with her, but was under very crappy circumstances. My mind has definitely been else where since then.

Next weekend i am visiting my granna, aunt and uncle, and TJ's family. It is gail's birthday on Friday. I cannot wait to see granna. I miss her. I cannot help but think how many more times i am going to be able to visit her and hear her little giggle. The weekend is going to be very strange, happy, uncomfortable, celebratory, and a little tense. How emotional.

Well, i guess this is enough for now. So much more, but i will ease you in.

Texas Sheet Cake

I shouldn't have gone into work today, but i did. I was sitting there reading out loud thinking "i really shouldn't be here. Why did i come?" And then, i remembered why. I didn't have the energy last night to come in and make lesson plans. I made it though. I feel better tonight than i did last night.

Tomorrow night i am going to be out and about and i need to bring in a dessert and salad for Friday's treat day. So, i made a Texas Sheet (Shit, as my oldest brother calls it) Cake. I don't know if you have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to sink your teeth into a Texas Sheet Cake made by my mom or myself, but if you have then you know what i am talking about. I am salivating just typing about it.

I remember making my first one completely by myself at my aunt carol's house. I had to smuggle the recipe out of my mom's house and take it to my aunt's, after we stopped at the store for the ingredients. I was making my first Texas Sheet Cake for my mom's birthday. I had helped my mom make it many times, but i was never the one in charge. It was at this time that i discovered how easy it is to burn cocoa and butter. You really can't leave it on the stove alone for a second . My mom loved the cake because finally she could enjoy one without having to make it or clean up after making it.

I just want to dive into this one that i made tonight, but my frosting looks perfectly glisteny and delicious. I don't dare try a bite because that will lead to more "bites". Yummmmm

I am home. . .

sick. Sunday night i started getting swollen glands and a bad sore throat and chills. Conferences yesterday were terrible because of how i felt. I went to urgent care during lunch to make sure it wasn't strep and bought sherbet at the store on my way back. I am glad that it didn't hurt to talk to all those parents. It just hurts to swallow and turn my head. Today i stayed home and slept till 11. Then slept again from 12-3. My throat still hurts, and if i don't keep the Tylenol in me i get super bad chills. What a year. I had one parent yesterday ask me how my health was because i had missed so much school. I wasn't about to tell her that i am trying to get pregnant and had some complications with it. Oh well. That is what is up with me. I am going to lay back down because i have to go to school tomorrow. I need to rest up while i can.

Magnificent Muffin

After finishing up taxes, we went to Famous Dave's while we were out and about running errands. I got a Corn Bread muffin to go. I am so excited to devour this magnificent muffin. a tiny bit crispy on the outside and delicious on the inside, with just a dollop of butter. . . real butter. I am saving it for a special time. I am not sure when yet, but i am looking forward to it.


Montague is an awesome small community. TJ and i went to a silent auction and spaghetti dinner where 800 people showed up to raise close to 20,000 dollars for a friend's family. I got emotional as i looked around the huge cafeteria at all the people. TJ and i won some good things at the silent auction. Hip, hip hooray!

Parent conferences are tomorrow. . . all day until 8:40. I am going to die. Besides that, it should be a good day.

The little goat made my day

On my drive home, there is a place near my house that just put up a horse fence last summer. The horses are alright, but what i yearn for every day is to see their goat in a separate, littler pen. You see, the little goat makes my day happy. I can only recall one time when i past the goat that i said to myself "this day is so crappy, that the little goat is not even going to be able to make me smile" He did. He continues to. He is not out there every day (which is good because i don't think i could emotionally handle all the goodness. . . i would be constantly wetting myself with joy) As i drove and saw the fence, i thought "oh, i hope he is out today. That would make a perfect day perfecter." And there he was. His black/gray body with his stubby stout legs. It just cracks me up. God sure created some bizarre looking creatures. Maybe he created that very goat just for me. Selfish thought, but i kind of like it.

Merry Chirstmas

On Saturday, i was busy making loopies and TJ was playing on his laptop. All of a sudden we hear someone shout "Merry Christmas" on our porch and knock on the window. We had someone knock on our window last Saturday, too. I guess we should start turning on some outside lights. Anyway, TJ bolted out there to find a fake Christmas tree and two wrapped presents. He immediately grabbed his boots and keys and was planning on going after the group of teens. I, of course, was panicked and didn't know what he was going to do when he got to them. But, that didn't matter because TJ got stuck in our driveway. He was able to follow all the foot prints in the fresh snow to a house. We know where they live.

We were thinking that next Saturday we would leave a thank you note for the presents and maybe some hot cocoa. The presents were wrapped in Christmas paper and the tag read "to your family from David Moore" I didn't want TJ to open them, for fear that they had wrapped up their own poo or something. The tree was picked up by the garbage people and the presents were too.

At first, i couldn't believe that a group of teens would spend their Saturday night putting together a fake Christmas tree, finding Christmas wrapping paper, and wrapping up two boxes complete with a tag. Then i remembered growing up with my brothers, and it seemed very believable all of a sudden. I could totally see my brothers doing that. It wasn't a harmful prank, just goofy. If i was home alone, though, it may have been harmful. My heart was beating so fast as it was, i might have died if i was alone.

Merry Christmas!

A Wonderfully 'Normal' Weekend

So far, i have had such a wonderful, normal weekend. I have not had to sit with my feet up, had intense cramps, had to play catch up, nor vomited. It has been wonderful. On Friday, i was driving home from school, totally exhausted. I had given it my all this week by staying late and staying on my feet all day and all week. March is Reading month, you know. Schools go crazy, and as a classroom teacher, i am expected to go crazy. I like to get the kids all excited about reading, but i kind of do that all year. Anyway, this year's theme is "catch the reading wave.' So, i have been hanging student made fish from our ceiling , hanging streamers in waves, covering wall and doors with paper and kid made decorations. I was so tired by the time i left, i didn't even notice how tired i was until i sat down in my car. I wanted to cry.

Friday night we went to a birthday celebration for the two greatest Ryans ever. We were celebrating a Ryan that was born three years ago on leap year. And an adult Ryan came to the shindig expecting to only be celebrating little Ryan's birthday. Little did he know it was a celebration of his birthday too. His family was there to greet him. It was so refreshing to see everyone and to all be together again with friends. It was insane how many kids under the age of three were there. I think i counted 8, or was it ten. It was kind of hard when every one was coming in and getting settled and seeing all the babies, but it got easier and i was definitely able to enjoy the company. After most people left and the kids went to bed, we sat and chatted for awhile and before i knew it, it was 11:30. Way past my bedtime for a Friday night. Last Friday, i was sleeping by 7, but last Friday night sucked. I should just forget about it.

Today, it was great because TJ and i ran errands like we used to. We cleaned part of the house first, then went to Olive Garden for soup and salad and then went here and there. I made 6 Loopies by Lindsey today. I was completely out. One of my good friend's mom has cancer again. The community in Montague is having a spaghetti dinner and silent auction for her and her family. She is not only my friend's mom, but a bus driver for our district. She has also had to take custody of her three grandchildren and raise them as her own kids. I have had one as a student. Anyway, my grade level is doing a ducky theme baby basket for the auction, so i made a big Loopie by Lindsey and tomorrow i am making a card (with ducks of course). Hopefully the basket will raise some money.

I am tired and i am going to church tomorrow, so i better get to sleep. Good night.

Taking a month off (bump)

Yesterday was a better day. I felt motivated. I got a lot done. I didn't cry. In fact, i decided that i might as well get hopeful about the next round of shots and doctor's appointments, that maybe this was my month to finally get pregnant. I was alright with trying again and rather hopeful about it. I went into school this morning, thinking i would have sub for the afternoon. Prepared for the sub and made a call to the Doctor. They did indeed want to see me that afternoon. TJ almost couldn't get there, but he drove to G.R. and met me.

During my ultrasound, i had yet again hit a "bump in the road" as TJ called it. It seems that my ovaries are infested with lots of cysts, some big and filled with "yucky" stuff, and others just an annoyance, but not what they wanted to see. The cysts are the result of the OHSS and the amount of follicles i had. I was told that i would have to sit this month out, not by choice but because there was still too much activity happening inside of me. It wouldn't be good to rile my ovaries all up even more with shots and hormones. I was also told to go easy on the exercise (you don't have to tell me that twice) and not to have any wild, crazy "coitus" because my ovaries could twist (ouch) The timing of the next cycle, if i don't ovulate on my own, which i haven't in 10 years, puts us right at Jason's wedding. Not a good time to get OHSS and have to have my feet up for a week. Time will tell. I give up on making plans because they just turn into big bumps. Maybe i will ovulate on my own and i will actually be pregnant in California. That is a wild thought. See, there i go again. . . getting my hopes up, trying to stay positive. I really need to stop being so optimistic about the whole thing and then i won't feel so defeated when bumps come around. Oh, you know i can't do that. . . i will just be an ever-reaching defeated optimist. I bet there will be some relief from not having to read female anatomy related posts. What else is there to blog about? I will either get really quiet, or blog about random events, like i once used to. That doesn't sound so bad.

Unwelcomed Visitors

Last night at 1:00, i got an unwelcome visitor that couldn't have made it more obvious that i am indeed not pregnant. I was so excited to wake up in the morning and cruise down to the lab in Whitehall to pick up a copy of my blood results from Friday. I called friday morning to set up a test for Monday, and nurse said that i could go ahead and get it done this morning and she would call in the afternoon with the results. I ran out of school at lunch, only to be told i missed the pick up and wouldn't get my results in the afternoon, but i could come in Saturday and get a copy of them. Well, i guess i don't need to now. I of course woke TJ up and told him about the visitor. I cried and he held me. At 2:00, i still wasn't asleep and i had a pounding headache. I went out to the couch and put in Beverly Hills, 90210. TJ joined me and tried rubbing my head to make me relax and fall asleep. I think i fell back asleep a little after 3. Thank you for all of your prayers. We really don't want to start this all over, but it was really our first time trying in almost the three years that we have been trying. We really should do another cycle right away, which means back to G.R. on Monday and then twice a week for a while. I cannot imagine getting OHSS again, so we definitely have some questions for the dr. I was really hopeful and dreaded today, knowing my hope could be taken away completely, for this time around at least.

I woke up this morning to an e-mail that also states my granna has visitors, too. But her visitors are planning on staying. She found out she has lung cancer. She had a PET done on her lungs and many areas, including lymph nodes "lit up." She is tired of living and i try to understand that. And i do to some extent, to as much as my 28 year old body and mind will allow. But, it is still so hard to hear. It just bothers me to think that that nasty stuff is in her, and is getting no objection from her. One of the first questions she always asks me is "when are you coming to visit?" That was hard to hear before, but now it is so sharp and echoes in my mind. I just want to go back to bed, like it was yesterday and wake up to a new day. Life just kind of sucks right now. Sorry for the unhappy post. I am going to try to make the most of today, to not eat myself into a stupor, and to try to stay positive about something.

Happiness

Several little things made me smile today. . .if i look, they are all around me. Here are just a few:

• A good morning kiss
• heated seats
• a dimple
• an e-mail from a friend
• Friends coming down to my classroom to see me
• dark chocolate
• hearing my granna is helping to pay for part of our California stay
• having the ability to turn off Oprah when i heard Bill O'Reilly's voice
• sunshine
• a hug from a student
• a meow and purring from Abby
• a string of drool hanging from Annie's lips (she just looks hilarious like that)
• soup
• cheese
• photographs
• my jammie pants
• knowing American Idol is on tonight
• my classroom chair with wheels, so i didn't have to get up very much
• eucalyptus spearmint
• hot shower
• conversation hearts

Just a few. . . there are many more smiles yet to come.

Wow. . .

someone sent this to me. It is beautiful and so well done. We have been trying for three years, but i know there are so many couple out there who have tried for longer with more obstacles. Our journey isn't over either.

Home again

Well, i am home, away from my students, for one more day as i keep my feet elevated. My poor sub has to go to pool school today. You would think that i would have finished reading every book on my list or started writing a novel or something constructive. I haven't. I have watched many movies, graded papers, done suduko puzzles and watched TV. Next, i am going to continue watching Beverly Hills 90210 season 1. I am feeling a lot better today, so i need to watch myself because my doctor said to still stay off of my feet when i start to feel better or i can swell right back up. In my opinion this OHSS is not a good indicator of pregnancy. . . there are just too many variables. I am more confused than ever, so i will just have to wait out my full two weeks to know if we are pregnant or not. I am leaning towards no, but i would love to be surprised!

As i sit with my legs up, i look around and see all the chores that need to b done. We still haven't unpacked since we got home from Gail's. TJ has done so much to try to keep up with the house and with his school work, while still trying to do something for himself over his vacation. He did get some play time with Civilization on his computer and some reading time. Other than that, he has been doing school work, taking care of me, or taking care of some chores. He is the best. I know he feels just awful about this, especially a couple of days ago when i was absolutely miserable and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He is the best.

Bittersweet

Finally, my stomach is feeling better and the fluid is starting to drain. I went from peeing only two or three times a day to peeing four times just last night. Hooray. The only thing is ovarian hyper stimulated syndrome (OHSS) goes away quicker if you are not pregnant, otherwise it typically lingers into the first month of pregnancy. Bittersweet. I was so miserable, but so want to be pregnant. I know there is still a chance i am pregnant, but my hopes are not very high. Also, because i got OHSS this time, means it is very likely i will get it next cycle. I was literally on my butt since Thursday at 7:00 and the dr. still says to stay off my feet today. I might have to plan my next cycle to try around spring break and definitely not in early May because my brother is getting married and i am not missing that or being miserable during that happy time. I guess we will have to see.

Today, i have to do a lot of school work. It sucks. I feel like i didn't get anytime off to do anything i wanted to do, but then i think that at least i didn't have to use up more sick days. I was wondering if i would go to school tomorrow, but i think i will be alright. School work here i come. I will keep everyone posted. I have a little over a week of waiting still, but i am guessing it is a big fat no (at least not this time).

Miserable

I have sat in the same position for almost three days and three nights. My abdomen is still swelled, hard, and huge. It is a little better, but i thought it would be a ton better since i have spent all this time off of my feet. Will i get this ovarian hyper stimulation every time we start a new cycle of trying? I am not sure if i can handle it. I am supposed to continue staying off of my feet even after i start to feel normal and i do not feel close to normal yet. When i stand, i feel a ton of pressure and it still hurts when i breathe deeply. Poor TJ. He is waiting on me hand and foot and doing all of the chores. He hasn't slept well in nights because he is worried. We were at gail's this weekend, and i just sat there with my feet up. I think my butt is permanently numb. During the car ride, i sat in the back with my feet up. AAAHHHHH! Sorry this is not a happy post. I wonder if i will be able to go to school on Tuesday?

No wonder i was uncomfortable

So, yesterday, i was moving around on my feet cleaning, making sure to drink lots of water because i felt pretty uncomfortable in my abdomen. By the afternoon my stomach was so huge, round, and hard. None of my pants would even fit. I felt pressure all the time and sever pain if i sneezed, coughed, yawned, or took a deep breath. I decided to call my doctor. We played phone tag. TJ and i went out to CF Prime (wonderful, by the way). I had to wear clothes that were super big. By the time we left i was so uncomfortable i could hardly stand it. My breathing had actually become shallow. I had to recline my seat back in the car. When we got back, the doctor said that i had ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. 1% of the people who get FSH and HCG shots get a severe case of it where their abdomen fills with fluid and builds up to the lungs. Both TJ and i laughed that of course i would get this, since two weeks ago i was throwing up with the flu, last week i had terrible cramps, and this week it looks like i am filled with fluid.

So, i am to stay off of my feet completely with my legs elevated, drink no water, only drink 24- 40 oz of liquid (gatoraid or v-8 juice) a day, and when i start to feel better, i am to still stay off my feet. I am still very uncomfortable, but much better than last night. I had my legs elevated for 11 hours straight, so i better be feeling a bit better. When i stand up though, i feel as though my stomach is going to burst. Yikes. I hope this doesn't last long.

I worked two days this week

TJ had to go to school today and i had the day off. I felt bad for him when he got up this morning. I was so out of it. Lately, i have been speaking pure gibberish when he wakes me up or when i go to bed from sleeping on the couch. Last night i got a new friend. . . I just sat and held her and talked with her. She is called "you make my heart melt" And you cannot really tell, but there is melted chocolate on her fingertips. So cute.
Today, i made a list for myself, hoping it would give me some motivation. I am still in quite a bit of discomfort in my abdomen and i am trying to ignore it, but it is not easy. I have already balanced the check book, paid bills, and started laundry. Tonight, TJ and i are going on a date for our Valentine's dinner. I don't know if we are going to Butch's dry dock in Holland or the new place by pints n' quarts. The sardine room sounds good too. Decisions. Well, i am off to conquer more of my list. As of this morning, i am up 10 pounds since December. I want to cry, but i don't want to waste the energy on something that will bring no comfort nor weight loss. After we get back from Gail's this weekend, i need to go to a weight watchers meeting and face the pounds, so that i can get them off. . . AGAIN.

Sorry

I apologize for the previous post. I am better now. It is Valentine's Day and i am married to an amazing and incredible man. I am blessed. He loves me no matter how fat i get (or feel), how much i whine, or how hormonal i get. And the best part is he tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me. . . and even says i am beautiful. What more could a girl ask for? I love you TJ. Thanks for being you.

Morning Post

I should be on my way out the door, instead i sit here and blog. I am on the verge of tears. Everything just seems, well. . . blah. I put on a pair of pants that i used to be able to just pull down without unzipping. . . they fit perfectly. I know that i am a little bloated or swelled at my waist, but i don't think that much. I weighed myself and i am 7 pounds up from my lowest weight, which doesn't sound like a ton, but when it takes forever to take it off, it is a ton. I am so congested i slept with my mouth hanging open all night, and at dinner yesterday i had to eat with my mouth open. My terrible cramps won't go away. They kept waking me up every time i rolled over in bed. I miss my mom. I have the dreadful Valentine's party at school and i feel bad for my kids because obviously i am a party pooper. Thanks for reading. Sorry, to spread the blah. Hopefully, i also spread the love at times. Happy Valentine's Day!

Missing Mom

I looked at my blog from last year at this time, and couldn't believe the amount that i wrote. This year, i just dug up some pictures that remind me of my mom's personality for one reason or another. She is missed.My mom loved to nap. It was the highlight of her day. Everyday after school she would nap and then Saturday after she read the paper she would take a nap. This is a Sunday nap, a break from correcting papers and making lesson plans. It looks like Sammy is napping with her this time.

My mom would later become my best friend. We talked all the time about anything that was on our minds.

My mom had two spots in the house. This is one. She would often sit in her pajamas ans slippers and correct papers using a pink pen and writing the scores in her pink grade book as she sipped coffee and smoked. There was actually a sag in the couch from here sitting there

Her spring garden. The gardens started out small, and quickly took over to create a beautiful backyard. Oh look! She is wearing pink!

She absolutely hated cats, but held one for "Survivor Weekend"

Us in San Fran. I am so thankful we took this trip. In May i am going again, only this time with my dad, Jered, and TJ. I cannot wait.

This is her and Sammy feeding th fish in the pond.

This is my mom's other spot in the house. She actually got so she could pour a refill of coffee from this spot. On the counter, one could find a to-do list for the day/week, and ashtray, a cup of coffee, and her cigarettes. From here she had easy access to the calendar above her and to the phone.

The lilies. . . oh the lilies!

Well, i think i will watch my wedding video to see my mom and to hear her voice. Then i am going to take something for my cramps, put in My So-Called Life and scrapbook for a bit. As you can tell, i am not at school. Just didn't want to break down crying, be sad all day in front of my students, or worse yet. . . have a day where i did not take some time to remember my mom. I should also pay bills, empty the dishwasher and do laundry. We will see.

The Peach Pit

I have been watching season one of Beverly Hills, 90210 non-stop. It brings back such memories of watching the show and chatting with my friends about it at school the next day. The most enjoyable part is looking at their clothes and listening to the slang. It amazes me how good my memory is about things that don't really matter, like knowing that Brenda is going to get in trouble because Tif shoplifted (i wanted to write catapulted for some reason???), yet i cannot remember important things in life, like brushing my teeth. Anyway, right now Brandon is getting a C (gasp) in history as Steve is making an A due to stealing the tests, and Brenda is falling for Dylan. When i was younger, i used to think they were all good actors and i had often wondered what had happened to them. . .why they didn't all get more roles. . .now after watching part of season one again, i see why. I am still enjoying it though. I think i would win some sort of 90210 trivia game, if one ever existed. Then, i would feel so successful in life, like i had done what i was made to do.